Friday, November 14, 2008

Top 5 Causes of the Current Mortgage/Credit Crisis

5. Rich people.

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Alright you latte-drinking, homeless-people killing, bathe more than once a week, rich douchebags. It's time you man up to your share of the problem. You have the one commodity every single person needs: money. When you go door to door with a sack of cash offering low-interest (at the time) loans to people who have never owned a home in their entire life, that's called "Predatory lending." It is similar to loan sharking, except the interest rates are "adjustable," which means that if/when the interest payments reach loan-shark levels, you have already signed the proper paperwork stating that these levels were a known risk associated with a sub-prime loan in an over-valued housing market. 

For those of you who don't speak loan-jargon, there's an explanation that even a child can understand: 

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Far, far away in McDonald land, Mayor McCheese allows the Hamburglar to borrow 20 hamburgers at a rate which adjusts to the rising/lowering cost of hamburgers. Because hamburger prices were rising at the time of this loan, the initial interest was affordable. Because, however, demand for hamburgers plummeted on rumos that McDonald's hamburgers don't taste as good if you're not fucking starving, the price of hamburgers DECREASES, while at the same time the interest rate on the Hamburglar's loan INCREASES

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As if it could be any easier, here is a chart for your infantile brains...

 Being that the Hamburgler cannot afford this new, extremely high interest payment, Mayor McCheese hires "strong-man" Ronald McDonald and "strong-I don't know what the fuck it is" Grimace to break the Hamburglar's legs and remove whichever teeth contain silver fillings. The Mayor, feeling sorry for the now crippled, toothless Hamburglar, announces a 700 Billion-Cheese bailout to aid both himself, Mayor McCheese, who owes for the 20 hamburgers the Hamburglar failed to pay back, and for the Hamburglar, who is currently living with Grimace for a fee consisting of such indecencies that it shan't be discussed...sex. Oh, and the Hamburgler now has AIDS.

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4. Poor people.

Look. Before you label me as a latte-sipping, Ivy League "elitist" who hates poor people, know this: I was not only rejected by Harvard and Yale, but also by the David Schwimmer Community College and TBU (Taco Bell University). As for the lattes, I only sip lattes because I work at a Coffee shop and I can't allow myself to waste that extra shot of espresso just because some douchebag has a problem with me not wearing pants. I'm behind the counter. If you don't like what you see, stand BEHIND the yellow line. That's what it's there for. Can you believe some people?

With that said, know this also: I am a latte-sipping, Online-University "loser" who hates poor people. I work my butt of pulling shots of espresso for Ivy League elitists everyday (except when I forget to set my alarm clock after an all-night Guitar Hero marathon.) *Tangent Alert* I know some poor people might not know what "Guitar Hero" is, so let me briefly summarize it for you: It is this plastic, guitar-shaped object which hooks up to your TV (box with moving pictures inside) and allows you to pretend to play a real guitar for the price of, like, 2 real guitars. No more "analog" manipulation of copper wire to induce harmonic synergy amongst the notes being played. Instead, you can simply push one of about 8 buttons that correspond with the buttons on the TV screen. If done successfully, the song in the background will continue playing. It is like listening to the radio, only more expensive and extremely gay.  *End Tangent*



But back to poor people and how they're destroying America. I have a message to all you Community Coffee-drinking, 1979 Ford Pinto-driving, Public School-attending, foods with high concentrations of saturated fats, Welfare kings/queens: GET A JOB! Now, before you complain about being denied a student loan because your credit was ruined due to identity theft, let me explain. I understand that you already work. I know this. So what I mean when I say "get a job," is that you need to get "ANOTHER" job, and another if necessary. I don't want to hear you wine about there only being "24 hours in a day, 8 of which are required for sleep." Sleep, my friend, is not a right but a luxury available only for us white, middle-class, U.S. born citizens. And, also, I don't want to hear the argument about being born into poverty and how it (poverty) is shown by countless studies to be the major, most important factor in future success. What you need to do is find a wealthy white woman, wait until she falls asleep, and crawl directly into her uterus. In no time at all, you'll be born to a middle class existence at the tender age of 13 (though the number itself  is arbitrary).

Tomorrow we shall discuss the remaining culprits of this financial crisis:

3. The Great Depression
2. Politicians
1. MYSTERY GUEST!!!


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