This Not Your Airspace, Stupid Head

If China's new Air Defence Identification Zone was an Xbox Live match:

CHINA: MINE MINE MINE!
*China sets up missile turrets*
JAPAN: WTF dude!
USA: Not cool China, not cool.
RUSSIA: LOL
SWEDEN: IDK, NMP
*Sweden has left the game*
FRANCE: Fine you can have them! Just don't shoot!
*North Korea has joined the game*
NORTH KOREA: Yesssss! Suck it USA!
TAIWAN: China hacks!
CHINA: USA hacks more!
*EDWARD SNOWDEN has joined the game*
USA: SHIT! I G2GO!
*USA has left the game*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: LOL j/k this is Canada



"This our airspace too, pal!"


Editor's note: Thanks, @dangerbeau for making this lulz-worthy post possible.
image credit: The Daily Mail

Paula Deen Apologizes for Apologizing Apology

Oh my, gosh. Thank God they said it was a spoof.

I don't know about you, but I think this apology needed more butter.




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One Size Fits All

I’m so postmodern I quote myself in conversations and say things like "Wow, multiculturalism has become so hegemonic!"


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ADOPT MY PUPPIES ... BAD WEATHER HERE

GOOD DAY,

HOW ARE YOU DOING ? HOPE FINE.

MY NAME IS REV.BARRY GLITHER, I, MY WIFE AND 3 KIDS ARE ON A CHRISTIAN MISSION IN AFRICA.

WE HAVE SPENT BARELY ONE WEEK HERE.WE CAME ALONG WITH MY 2 YORKSHIRE TERRIER BABIES. (BOTH ARE FEW WEEKS OLD), AFTER A WHILE WE NOTICED THAT
THE AFRICAN WEATHER IS NOT GOOD FOR THEIR HEALTH AND I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM THE WAY I ALWAYS DO BECAUSE OF MY JOB.

THEY ARE AKC HOME RAISED, HOUSE AND POTTY TRAINED, VACINES & HEALTH GUARANTEE. I NEED SOMEONE TO ADOPT BOTH AND TAKE CARE OF THEM THE WAY I ALWAYS DO.

IF YOU CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM, DO SEND A REPLY AND I WILL EMAIL YOU WITH MORE INFO.

P/S: PROVIDE A CONTACT PHONE NUMBER FOR FURTHER COMMUNICATION.

I HOPE TO READ FROM YOU.

GOD BLESS YOU.

REV. BARRY GLITHER
barryglither@xxxxxx.xxx.xx

___________________________________________________________

Dear Barry,


We would be happy to take dog off hands. We love puppies, they are so tender and tasty at a young age. We promise to play with them and give them a happy life. We send you money now. Please send us your puppies as soon as possible.


Thank you,

Chang Shiu Chuik
#1xx-xxxx-xxxx

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Judge your wipe, asshole!

Analogy for the war in Iraq: Shit you didn't plan for

Doesn't anyone find it weird that we all casually look at our own shit? You wipe, wipe, and eventually you've got to check your progress. Has your ass been sufficiently de-shitted? There's only one way to know, and that's to look at your own shit.

Now, some of you must be thinking, "Hell no! I don't look at my own shit, you sick freak!" But yes, yes you do. How else do you know when you're done wiping, huh? You have some kind of shit-sense the rest of us don't know about? And lets just say you don't look. Then you likely have hobo-ass by now. That's right, I said "hobo-ass." That means that your ass is equivalent to that of a hobo, who I'm sure also doesn't look either because it is well-known that their ass contains a thick layer of unwipeable perma-shit. I hope you shower, asshole, because if you take a bath, you'll be sitting in a pool of your own shit-juice. You're the sick freak. Fucker.

You, after one of your shit-baths

Anyway, you ultimately have to look at the toilet paper, and sometimes you find out you've got less than .025 inches between your hand and a wet glob of shit. Likely, this shit is seeping through your thin sheet of paper and making contact with your skin. You've all had shit on your hands at some point. Don't think you're better than me. I looked at my shit 5 minutes before I wrote this, and it was beautiful.

That's right, I think shit is beautiful. You might as well. You're going to look at it an average of once a day, you might as well find the beauty in it. The varying textures, the diverse shades of brown (and the occasional green) and the inevitable smell that escapes your airtight ass-on-toilet seal which must be broken in order to judge the wipe. Was is an average wipe? A surprisingly clean wipe? Did you wipe too much and now your anus is bleeding? These are important questions that are all answered by simply examining your used toilet paper. You don't want ass-blood on your hands, do you?

Your ass if you don't judge your wipe!

Chick-fil-A Reconsiders Stance on Gay-Marriage

Despite a single record-setting day in sales on 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day', Chick-fil-A has recently announced it's decision to reconsider gay marriage. As a way to celebrate it's acceptance of sexual orientation diversity the fast food restaurant chain is promoting their newest incarnation the "Gay Chicken Sandwich" for a limited time.

Chick-fil-A spokesperson, Dick "Butch" Buttkiss (not related to the former NFL player and all around celebrity), stated that the sandwiches are made from 100% gay chickens. "As a sign of solidarity with the gay and lesbian community, Chick-fil-A is offering this new product in the hopes of showing how sorry we are for offending those individuals. Chick-fil-A has also agreed to stop funding antigay groups. We are also proud to say that Chick-fil-A is for any union that makes people happy, even if it means the joining of man and chicken."

"Honestly, we here at Chick-fil-A hope that gays and lesbians will reconsider their boycott on Chick-fil-A and become our customers once again. Frankly, our sales have plummeted since 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day' so we created a new campaign, 'Gay Chicken Appreciation Day'."

When questioned about the authenticity of the Gay Chicken Sandwich being made from gay chickens, Buttkiss had this to say, "We have ensured through a two-step process that the chickens harvested for this new sandwich ARE indeed gay. The first step is watching HOW the chicken (or rooster) interacts with other members of it's own species -- do they have a natural attraction to same-sex members and so forth. Secondly, we lock them in a cage together with a same-sex member of it's own species for an extended period of time and then they are forced to fornicate with one another during their traditional mating season. This is how we know these chickens have gone gay."

When told that this was absolutely ridiculous reasoning, Buttkiss responded, "Look, as part of this promotion we are also including a limited time offering of same-sex sexual intercourse with ANY one of our employees at any Chick-fil-A restaurant location. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has even offered to give blowjobs and/or rimjobs to the first 1,000 customers. If that doesn't show Chick-fil-A's support of the gay and lesbian community then I don't know what does."

Buttkiss continued, "Hey, I bet you didn't know Elvis called us from the moon and said that HE'S gay and he loves our Gay Chicken Sandwich. He claims it's how he keeps his girlish figure."

Celebrity Endorsement Alert!

"The Colonel's secret recipe doesn't even taste this good." - Elvis

"Hurry down! This offer ends when the aliens come to destroy our planet on December 21st this year," Buttkiss added.



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