Thursday, October 25, 2012

Judge your wipe, asshole!

Analogy for the war in Iraq: Shit you didn't plan for

Doesn't anyone find it weird that we all casually look at our own shit? You wipe, wipe, and eventually you've got to check your progress. Has your ass been sufficiently de-shitted? There's only one way to know, and that's to look at your own shit.

Now, some of you must be thinking, "Hell no! I don't look at my own shit, you sick freak!" But yes, yes you do. How else do you know when you're done wiping, huh? You have some kind of shit-sense the rest of us don't know about? And lets just say you don't look. Then you likely have hobo-ass by now. That's right, I said "hobo-ass." That means that your ass is equivalent to that of a hobo, who I'm sure also doesn't look either because it is well-known that their ass contains a thick layer of unwipeable perma-shit. I hope you shower, asshole, because if you take a bath, you'll be sitting in a pool of your own shit-juice. You're the sick freak. Fucker.

You, after one of your shit-baths
Anyway, you ultimately have to look at the toilet paper, and sometimes you find out you've got less than .025 inches between your hand and a wet glob of shit. Likely, this shit is seeping through your thin sheet of paper and making contact with your skin. You've all had shit on your hands at some point. Don't think you're better than me. I looked at my shit 5 minutes before I wrote this, and it was beautiful.

That's right, I think shit is beautiful. You might as well. You're going to look at it an average of once a day, you might as well find the beauty in it. The varying textures, the diverse shades of brown (and the occasional green) and the inevitable smell that escapes your airtight ass-on-toilet seal which must be broken in order to judge the wipe. Was is an average wipe? A surprisingly clean wipe? Did you wipe too much and now your anus is bleeding? These are important questions that are all answered by simply examining your used toilet paper. You don't want ass-blood on your hands, do you?

Your ass if you don't judge your wipe!


Kelly said...

It's fun to bathe in your own shit and blood. First, pay a group of people to beat the hell out of you. Then later, drink something that will make you shit, uncontrollably and profusely and do your shitting inside a bathtub. Get inside, all naked and stuff, when ready.

Third, use your arms and hands to wistfully splash in your own bloody shit bath and laugh like you're having the time of your life as your excrement hits the walls, the ceiling and your mirror.

Actually, using toilet paper is a waste of good money. Always use someone's toothbrush to wipe your ass. It may take awhile but it's worth it.

Glad I could help out.

Julio said...

Thanks Kelly. Prior to your advice, I was forced to bathe in other people's shit and blood. It's good to know that I can use my own homemade blood and feces without having to kill any prostitutes or homeless people.

I'd also like to suggest using cinnamon during your next blood-shit bathe. It does wonders for the skin.

Static said...

Well, it's official. You guys have thoroughly ruined both my ass and my appetite in one fell swoop. Congratulations. This gives new meaning to the phrase, "You got your peanut butter on my chocolate!" and "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!"

Don't forget about the nuts.

Julio said...

So which is the shit, the chocolate or the peanut butter. Or both? "You've got shit on my shit...yummm"

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