Sunday, December 20, 2009

In Recession, Even Hobo Job Market Suffers

Temporary manual labor, once thought to be the most secure form of employment, has decreased by 11% this year, according to a report released by the Hiring Occupation Business Observer (HOBO). The report goes on to suggest that this 11% decreased in reported unemployment has trickled over into an 11% increase in unreported back-alley sex labor, including but not limited to:
sexual massage; genital stomping; semen ingestion; double-fisted anal penetration; rabbit stuffing (anally); semen ingestion (anally); single-fisted anal penetration; watching the 1st season of “House” on DVD (anally); bringing coupons to a grocery store only to find out that they expired the day before…followed by triple-fisted anal/penile penetration; watching Taylor Swift host SNL (not inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); and sock-puppet theater (inside someone’s ass).

(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick
(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick
Temporary manual labor, however, has consistently been a safety net for the unemployed, divorced, homeless or otherwise socially unbound individual. For instance, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8 1894, it was declared that “Always try to find work, even if it is temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.” However, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8, 2009, it was declared “Does anybody have any spare change? Wait, of course no one does, we’re all hobos…Anyway, as I was saying. Always try to find work, even if it’s temporary, and even if it’s “Things I do in a back-ally to buy alcohol, including but not limited to:
sexual foot-massage; genital mutilation; conducting model trains while not wearing shirts (with mutual touching); quadruple-fisted anal/penile penetration; baby stomping; watching an entire season of “How I Met Your Mother” (which isn’t inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); reading Sarah Palin’s book “Going Rogue” (which is both inherently sexual AND self-degrading); biting the head off of a squirrel; and stamp-collecting (inside someone’s ass).
Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick
Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick
This obvious shift in hobo-attitude over the past century cannot only be blamed on the hobos themselves. Once the pioneers of entrepreneurship and freedom, hobos have become imprisoned by their poverty instead of being empowered by their freedom. According to the HOBO report, this shift in hobo philosophy can be traced back to the Great Depression, where the population of hobos quadrupled, thereby flooding the hobo job market. This led to a dilution of the once proud hobo culture, and ushered in the redefinition of “odd job” from “occasional job” to “occasional job of what I believe to be of a sexual nature but I’m not sure because there is nothing inherently sexual about pooping in a fish-bowl.
Though the Great Depression eventually ended, the deterioration of the hobo culture did not. Still to this day, finding work as a hobo is harder than ever. Misleading and ironic businesses, such as HOBO (Home Owners Bargain Outlet), Hobo Internet, and the Hungry Hobo (restaurant), further mock the plight of the traveling tramp who’s simply down on his luck. Trashcans now come equipped with hobo-proof lids. People no longer throw their trash on the side of the road, and it’s now illegal to throw away plastic bottles. With all these classic hobo jobs now obsolete, where else can a hobo go to make a quick buck, other than a back-alley?
New era of hobo-businessmen
New era of hobo-businessmen

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Is Barack Obama a Real Person OR an Elaborate Hoax?

The media is once again focused on the legitimacy of Barack Obama's birth records. Several non-partisan organizations have located valid flaws in the birth certificate presented by the Obama campaign last year, however, it is only recently that experts have uncovered the full extent of the liberal-socialist conspiracy.

The truth, however, is much more frightening than any of us could have anticipated. The conspiracy is embedded deep within the very fabric of all news media, including television, newspapers and even radio. But no matter how far the arms of Socialism extend, they can never fully envelop the Internets. It is here that the vast conspiracy will ultimately unfold. Before you read this, you may want to connect to a secure internet connection to prevent yourself from being identified.

Barack Hussein Obama is a fictional character. Barack H. Obama, a.k.a Barack Saddam Hussein Osama bin Laden, a.k.a. Obama bin Larden is not actually a real (legal or otherwise) human being. He was never born, and therefore was never officially elected to the U.S. presidency. The man we know as "Barack Hussein Obama" is actually played by an actor named "Fred G. Sanford." His persona was created and developed by the extreme left in order to usher us into a socialist-facist state. Shh, keep it on the down-low, if you know what I mean. Knowaddimean?
It has been planned for over 12 years since the mid 1990's in response to the growing Conservative movement in this country. The proof of this is undeniable. Doctored photos. Doctored and/or falsified legal documents. Those televised presidential addresses? A robot. Personal appearances at various events. A muppet. The unexpected delivery of your child in the backseat of a taxicab? The mugging on the A-train? The gas station hold up? The night you got raped? Simply some guy (probably some homeless person) who looks like the most elaborate hoax ever created. You name it -- they've done it.

obama conspiracy
Picture of the U.S. Capitol Building

Doctored version of previous photo featuring Fred G. Sanford as "Barack H. Obama"

Falsified Birth Record provided as evidence of Sanford's pseudonym

Same document with errors exemplified

"The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father" were written in order to further develop "Barack Obama" as a politically viable minority candidate. Soon a national "catastrophe" will occur, and will be used as an excuse to void the Constitution and establish a Socialist-Facist state. U.S. soldiers will enter our homes, disarm us of our weapons and adopt us as property of the State. Good god the end is near. Grab all the tea bags in the house. Head for your basements now and kiss your asses goodbye!

[insert visual image of self kissing own ass here]

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos Part I

"Une Hobo," source of my inspiration (as well as my anal warts)!
According to Wikipedia, a "figure of speech" is defined as "a use of a word that diverges from its normal meaning, or a phrase with a specialized meaning not based on the literal meaning of the words in it such as a metaphor, simile, or personification." As you can cleary see in the list below, there are nearly 100 such twists of language, and believe it or not, these are the building blocks of humor as we know it. They are broken up into two categories: Schemes and Tropes. For the sake of entertainment, I will demonstrate each of these with the focus being on hobos.

The overall goal of this project is to increase public awareness that comedy is in fact an art form. Perhaps if they themselves can produce and understand comedic material, comedians such as ourselves won't have to watch cliched sit-coms or listen to the average person's pathetic attempts at conversational improvisation.

§ alliteration: A series of words that begin with the same letter or sound alike
Hidden hobos housed in huts hurriedly hustle to help hydrogenous homosexuals hide their HIV.

§ anacoluthon: A change in the syntax within a sentence
Hobos, though filthy and dumb creatures --- are they not of much amusement to us in their drunken and/or crack-cocaine fueled stupor?

§ anadiplosis: Repetition of a word at the end of a clause at the beginning of another
Homelessness leads to desperation, desperation leads to crime and crime leads back to home. Though that home may be a prison, prisons provide warmth and sustenance whereas sidewalks do not.

§ anaphora: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the beginning of successive clauses
A hobo might smell (badly)
A hobo might light (a cigarette)
A hobo might smell (another hobo)
A hobo might fight (another hobo)
A hobo might sleep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might write (on a cardboard box)
A hobo might weep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might right (the wrongs)
A hobo might, tonight,
sleep upright.

§ anastrophe: Inversion of the usual word order
Yoda: Smells of urine, hobos do.

§ anticlimax: the arrangement of words in order of decreasing importance
Hobos provide city streets with character, personality and, least of all, public displays of nudity, urination and, least of all, bat-shit insanity.

§ antimetabole: Repetition of words in successive clauses, in reverse order
When a hobo bites, and then defecates upon, a man, that is not news; however, when a man bites, and then defecates upon, a hobo, that IS news.

§ antithesis: The juxtaposition of opposing or contrasting ideas
If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aphorismus: statement that calls into question the definition of a word
If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aposiopesis: Breaking off or pausing speech for dramatic or emotional effect
Is he doing what I think he’s…yup. That hobo just peed on the cure to Cancer.

§ apostrophe: Directing the attention away from the audience and to a personified abstraction
Dear hobos! I would, were you not untrustworthy carriers of disease, happily invite you into my home and listen to your eccentric stories of sporadic travel and street dwelling!

§ apposition: The placing of two elements side by side, in which the second defines the first
Hobos, those traveling salesmen of charity, provide a positive boost of self-esteem to all those (of higher status) that they encounter!

§ assonance: The repetition of vowel sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse
Old, ordinary hobos obtain kudos from over-obsessed observers and enthusiasts of the obsolescent pastime of hobo-ing.

*Julio's note: That's all for now, but don't worry --- part II of "Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos" will continue tomorrow! (to view the entire list of Figures of Speech, click here)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ted Kennedy: Dead or Alive?

Hahaha! Everyone thinks I"m dead...lawl!!!

"Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) died Tuesday of brain cancer" is something that a liberal newspaper, website or radio station might have you believe. Popular website "Dead or Alive," which keeps track of famous deaths, has, through no fault of its own, fallen for this liberal rouse and listed Ted Kennedy as deceased. The objective of this post is to convince you, the reader, that Sen. Ted Kennedy is not only alive and well, but also behind the Socialist conspiracy of the Obama administration and government run euthanasia.

Exhibit A: Where is the Original Death Cirtificate?

How do we know that Ted Kennedy is dead if we don't have a Death Cirtificate? What has been released by the Kennedy campaign is a "Cirtificate of Live Death." This is the same thing that his brother, John Kennedy, supplied after his "assassination" 40 years ago, and as we all know, the CIA exiled him to Cuba. What I have found on the internet is Kennedy's REAL Death Cirtificate...his KENYAN Death Cirtificate. Because we now know for a fact that Kennedy died in Kenya, it only follows that Kenney is ineligible for the position of President of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA).

Exhibit B: Ted Kennedy is not a Citizen of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA)

Sources in the afterworld have revealed to me, after hours of intensive mediTation/mediCation, that Ted Kennedy arrived in the Kenyan entrance of Heaven, referred to as the "Pewter Gates" due to a shortage of gold. He later entered the GUSA embasy and was transported via cloud-car to the Continental GUSA. My sources in the socialist GUSA have also informed me that Kennedy has already been appointed to the GUSA Senate and has drafted legislation that includes Government run "life-panels".

Exhibit C: If Ted Kennedy is a member of the GUSA Senate, doesn't that mean he's dead?

Yes. But the definition of intelligence is the ability to hold two contardictory beliefs without discomfort. Being an intelligent fellow, it follows that Ted Kennedy is BOTH dead AND alive. The liberal media, however, would like you to think that contradictions are wrong, but in fact they are a normal part of U.S. politics. Don't believe me? Just see for yourself:

Washington D.C. No, seriously, this is the capital of the USA. I bet you thought
this was Africa. You were WRONG

He sure looks hungry...Yup, go ahead, have ANOTHER're starving, aren't you?
HEY FATASS, STOP EATING ALL THOSE FLIES...we own those flies. You work for us, now

Photobucket our troops...unless they come back crazy. Then FUCK 'EM!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Republican Medicare Recipients Don't Support Gov't Health Care

Death Panels...coming to a Town Hall meeting near you.

Study finds surprising results

A new study, released yesterday by the Associated Press, has found out that "old (65 and older), white, Republicans with a High School education or lower" don't support Barack Obama's current push for Government Health Insurance. The study also found that the level of racism involved in this opposition is 100x higher than in the general population, as are feelings of "fear, anger and hostility" and a general disdain for "accurate and factual representations of the issue(s)."

Old Man
I don't want NO Gov'ment in MY Medicade

Also, people within this same demographic, "old, white, republican with a high school education or lower," were 15x more likely to believe disproven assertions, including "Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen," "The Government will insate Death Panels to kill your grandmother" and "Suddam Hussein hired illegal immigrants to provide abortions for non-abstinent athiest teens and ALSO built WMD (and nuclear weapons) for Al Quaeda Death-Panels during 9/11, ALL while forging Barack Obama's birth cirtificate...and oh, God Bless 'Merica!"

Fear tactics taken to their logical conclusion

ALSO...if Obama's Health Care proposals are passed...THIS will happen:

"Medicare: Good...but Government Health Insurance: Baaad" Wait...WTF!?

Most shocking, however, are the results of a government questionaire, also released yesterday, that shows that 60% of people on Medicare don't know that fact that "Medicare is provided by the government." --- Wait, did I just hear that right? You CAN'T be CANNOT seriously say to me "I'm on Medicare and I want to keep my Medicare...but 'Government Insurance' will kill me." Do these people SERIOUSLY not realize that Medicare IS GOVERNMENT HEALTH INSURANCE?! Do I SERIOUSLY have to debunk such a ridiculous myth? How is that even a "myth"? That's like debunking the "flat Earth" and the "sky is not blue" and the "dry ocean" myths!


Seriously. Seriously? SERIOUSLY! Are you telling me that the same people who think like this are allowed on our roadways? How do they know that "red" means stop and "green" means go if they don't understand that Medicare is Government Health Insurance? How do they know that "feed a bear by hand" is dangerous and "pet a cute bunny rabbit" is good? That "hot" means don't touch and "cool" means do touch? You use "soap and water" to wash your hands and not "feces and urine"? That "clear water" is to drink and "brown-reddish water" is not to drink? This all begs the question: How are these people still alive? Why hasn't their stupidity killed them yet?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Bill Clinton Secures Release of Entire North Korean Population

Bill Clinton, Kim Jong Il and 18 million North Koreans

Former President Bill Clinton has secured the release of not only the two American journalists, but also the entire population of North Korea. According to sources within the White House, Clinton initially bonded with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il through a series of insults directed at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He then asked Kim Jong Il "please" and then "pretty please" to release the Americans. However, when Clinton added, "pretty please...with a cherry on top," Kim Jong Il removed his 'Elton John' replica sunshades and, with a look of utter awe in his tiny squinting eyes, released the entire oppressed population of his country over to Mr. Clinton.

"I'm very proud of my husband," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "It's absurd, though, to think of Bill's actions as a case of male egoism usurping a female's authority. He trusts me; I mean, sometimes he lets me answer the phone by myself AND go to the bathroom without asking," she added.

"They (the North Korean people) all suffered from a similar plight to those journalists," said former President Bill Clinton, "It would look like favoritism if I only rescued 'Americans' from the iron fist and ostentatious lesbian sunglasses of Kim Jong Il." The former president has already written a memoir of his historic diplomatic mission, including a section devoted entirelly to the insults directed towards Hillary Clinton during the discussions. Among those included in the draft are:

1. You might look like a lesbian, Kim, but my wife...let's just say she gets more pussy than a box of tampons! Oh Right!
2. Bill...your wife, she's rather like a bronze statue of myself during the winter months: freezing cold and, uhm...covered in bronze!
3. Kim, that didn't make any sense...much like my wife's campaign in the Democratic Primary! Heyoooo!!!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

FROST-HITLER: The Secret Interviews FINALLY Released!

Image Hosted at
Movie to be released during WW3

Until now, no one really knows what happened during Hitler's last days on Earth...except, maybe, for the guy who wrote this book. Or the guy who wrote the screenplay for this movie. And maybe even God (i.e. FSM). But I bet you would have never guessed that British journalist, David Frost/Oprah Winfrey, parachuted behind enemy lines during the last days of WWII to conduct an interview of the likes the world had never seen...and interview with the infamous genocidal dictator, Adolf Hitler/Dick Cheney. Below is a transcript of the interview. Unfortunately, the video itself was given to NASA for safekeeping...and they eventually recorded over it with sports bloopers and fart jokes. Fucking NASA.

FROST/HITLER Interview; April 30th, 1945; 12:00 H.S.T. (Hitler Standard Time)...oh, and Hail Hitler!

Frost: Thank you, Hitler, for taking the time to see me. It's an honor, no a priveledge, no a wish come true to be here in your presense today. Let's film that again; I don't want to be interpreted as Pro-Hitler, but rather, Hitler-Sympathetic. *clears throat* I appreciate you taking the time to see me, mein Fuhror...FUCK! How about you start?

FROST/HITLER Interview; April 30th, 1945; 12:05 H.S.T. (Hitler Standard Time)...oh, and Hail Hitler!

Hitler: Thank you, Frost, for wasting the final moments of my life with a paltry attempt of muckraking by making a man whom everyone knows is guilty admit that he's guilty. Great job! Here's my idea for your NEXT interview: O.J. Simpson
Frost: Who's "O.J. Simpson"?
Hitler: Nevermind. Anway, I assume you want to ask me about the "holocaust," my antisemitism, my abusive father and the invasion of Europe and its subsequent anexation by Germany.
Frost: Oh, right, of course. Please, tell me about the "holocaust," your antisemitism, your abusive father and the invastion of Europe with that anexxy-thing you mentioned.

Hitler: Well, obviously due to my antisemitism, I vehemently despise the Jewish race. I simply took that hate to its logical conclusion and killed as many of them as I could. So, I suppose, in that way, I was victorious. However, if it wasn't those darned kids, and the United States of America, and my BRILLIANT strategy of a war on two fronts, we'd be conducting this interview in German and you'd be licking my boots! And speaking of which, PLEASE stop licking my boots!
Frost: Sorry, Mein Fuhror! I mean, I was collecting DNA for cloning purposes.

Hitler: What's "cloning"?
Frost: Nevermind. Anyway, now I'd like to ask you if you are ready to apologize for the murder, by way of execution, torture and/or acts of war, of 20 million people.
Hitler: You've got me there Mr. Frost. I have no choice but to concede this debate over to your side. What I did was wrong. I gave the order for the execution, torture and acts fo war which were responsible for the deaths of 20 million people. I'm...I"m...sorry.
Frost: ...this interview needs to be about 12-hours long in order to get a movie deal, so could you please hold out just a LITTLE longer?

*explosion* *gunshots* *unintelligible Russian voices*

Hitler: I'm afraid I'll have to be going. If the Russians catch me alive they'll yank off my testicles
Frost: But...but where will you go? You CAN'T're my hero!
Hitler: But I MUST go, Mr. Frost. You're a real journalist now! You'll be interviewing megalomaniacs such as myself for many, many years! Now, I must go. The crew of my secret, ahead-of-its-time space station await my presence! And oh, tell them Ava and I killed ourselves. People believe ANYONE who has a British accent!
Frost: *sniffle* Good-bye Hitler...Good-bye!

*rocket-engines ignite*

Goodbye Hitler, goodbye...for now? *dun dun dunnn*

Monday, July 20, 2009

"Hobo Chic" and "Accidental Sexiness"

And now

another asinine guest post by Static

needs more shatner "Must... Self administer... Defibrillator... & Buy Fax machine... Or time machine... '07 model... Get me some hot Hobo Chick action..."

- William Shatner, famous hobo

What is "Hobo Chic" and how does it become "Accidental Sexiness"?

Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of "Hobo Chic". Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.

hobo chicks
Is it "Hobo Chic?"

boho chic?
Is it "Boho Chic?"

heroin chic?
Or is it "Heroin Chic?"

When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo...a bag lady.

The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.

I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I've had a stack of newspapers that I'm still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.

The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.

According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It's okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.

But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn't all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.

Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila...a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.

"How do they do that?" they asked, "I have to have the look!"

Similar clothing was often taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.

Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the "Hobo Chic" look.

hobo chic terminator stylee
Hobo chic: Terminator-stylee

Cruising' for hobo chicks
Cruising' for hobo chicks

So how does "Hobo Chic" become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren't)?

Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.

not so hot bag lady

Becomes this:
hot belly dancer

And this:
not so hot hobo grandma

Becomes this:
not so hot exotic dancer

And this:
hot for a hobo chick

Becomes this:
for a hobo it's instant love

For a hobo, it's love at first sight.

Hoboken, NJ As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.

Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.

These women will confess that it's easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!

After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.

They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.

Since nothing short of death seem to repel men's advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.

And this of course is how the HoBlogger is born.


The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too. NSFW.

*Julio's Note* ...and if you haven't figured out by now what "it" ~Static~ is talking about, allow me to clarify:


You can find more about Hobo sluts and Static by squatting at:

Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor
the Land of Arse
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