Sunday, December 20, 2009

In Recession, Even Hobo Job Market Suffers

recession-2
Temporary manual labor, once thought to be the most secure form of employment, has decreased by 11% this year, according to a report released by the Hiring Occupation Business Observer (HOBO). The report goes on to suggest that this 11% decreased in reported unemployment has trickled over into an 11% increase in unreported back-alley sex labor, including but not limited to:
sexual massage; genital stomping; semen ingestion; double-fisted anal penetration; rabbit stuffing (anally); semen ingestion (anally); single-fisted anal penetration; watching the 1st season of “House” on DVD (anally); bringing coupons to a grocery store only to find out that they expired the day before…followed by triple-fisted anal/penile penetration; watching Taylor Swift host SNL (not inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); and sock-puppet theater (inside someone’s ass).

(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick
(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick
Temporary manual labor, however, has consistently been a safety net for the unemployed, divorced, homeless or otherwise socially unbound individual. For instance, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8 1894, it was declared that “Always try to find work, even if it is temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.” However, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8, 2009, it was declared “Does anybody have any spare change? Wait, of course no one does, we’re all hobos…Anyway, as I was saying. Always try to find work, even if it’s temporary, and even if it’s “Things I do in a back-ally to buy alcohol, including but not limited to:
sexual foot-massage; genital mutilation; conducting model trains while not wearing shirts (with mutual touching); quadruple-fisted anal/penile penetration; baby stomping; watching an entire season of “How I Met Your Mother” (which isn’t inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); reading Sarah Palin’s book “Going Rogue” (which is both inherently sexual AND self-degrading); biting the head off of a squirrel; and stamp-collecting (inside someone’s ass).
Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick
Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick
This obvious shift in hobo-attitude over the past century cannot only be blamed on the hobos themselves. Once the pioneers of entrepreneurship and freedom, hobos have become imprisoned by their poverty instead of being empowered by their freedom. According to the HOBO report, this shift in hobo philosophy can be traced back to the Great Depression, where the population of hobos quadrupled, thereby flooding the hobo job market. This led to a dilution of the once proud hobo culture, and ushered in the redefinition of “odd job” from “occasional job” to “occasional job of what I believe to be of a sexual nature but I’m not sure because there is nothing inherently sexual about pooping in a fish-bowl.
Though the Great Depression eventually ended, the deterioration of the hobo culture did not. Still to this day, finding work as a hobo is harder than ever. Misleading and ironic businesses, such as HOBO (Home Owners Bargain Outlet), Hobo Internet, and the Hungry Hobo (restaurant), further mock the plight of the traveling tramp who’s simply down on his luck. Trashcans now come equipped with hobo-proof lids. People no longer throw their trash on the side of the road, and it’s now illegal to throw away plastic bottles. With all these classic hobo jobs now obsolete, where else can a hobo go to make a quick buck, other than a back-alley?
New era of hobo-businessmen
New era of hobo-businessmen

11 comments:

Static said...

Shocking!!

May the plight of hobos be known from coast-to-coast, near and far, high and low, steep and narrow, deep and wide (with all that fisting going on)...may their prostrate conditions improve and may they no longer experience these perverted exploits! (unless they actually make decent money doing this and/or actually enjoy it. That be the case, then let them reverse goate/quadruple fist all the wealthy!)

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
KateTheHappyEndingMasseuse said...

Hahahaha. I loved this line: 'conducting model trains while not wearing shirts (with mutual touching)' It's more subtle than the various fisting techniques you mentioned, you sick puppy ;)

Julio said...

The best part about that one, Kate, is that it's a true f*cking story! A friend showed it to me on Craigslist. It was this 50 year old shirtless white guy who asked for "mutual touching" but, get this...NO GAY STUFF! So in his world view, Model trains = not gay; Mutual male touching = not gay; anal sex = not gay; Having sex with women = GAAAAY!!!!!!

Static said...

That line about model trains reminds me of an episode from Dexter, where the Trinity Killer has abducted a little boy and manipulates him with a toy train set. Creepy...but doesn't include "mutual touching", which would be REALLY creepy.

Static said...

Btw, don't knock The Hungry Hobo in Iowa City, IA...best darn shoe leather sandwich, hot buttered corn on the cob, fresh carrot cake--this side of the Pecos, GUARANTEED!

Static said...

And I think we've all heard that:
'I have a friend who showed me a 50 yr. old shirtless guy into mutual touching ad on Craigslist.' :P

Static said...

@ Anonymous - How dare you go on and on about how much NPH pwns all things hobocentric..then you drop your vile spam on clubbing poor defenseless penguins in such a variety of revolting ways.

You disgust me. You back alley fuck-knuckle!

May you get clubbed over the head and sock-puppet theater reverse goatsed. You deserve such an uncomforable end via anal carnage. Bastard.

Julio said...

@~Static~(1) I am rather impressed at your knowledge of hobo sexual occupational therapy, AKA quadrouple fisting, AKA watching "the View" with a middle-aged Hispanic housewife/hand model.

@Anonymous(e) I am questioning your authenticity. Anyone who has read my blog knows it keeps getting WORSE and WORSE, as intended by the NPH committee on Veteran Affairs (which studies the infidelity rate of Veterans as pertaining to hobo-sex)!

@Static(2) I just finished season 2 of Dexter on Netflix "Watch Instantly," the best fucking invention since robot sex dolls http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-10432597-1.html

Static(3) If you order the Shoe-Leather sammich, they let you choose WHICH BOOT you want in your sammich! It is also oven roasted over a steel trash can with a bio-hazard symbol on it RIGHT B4 YOUR EYES!!!

Static(4) I'm sorry...I've been neglecting my biggest fan for far too long...PENGUINS! Who the fuck would play anything called "Club Penguin" anyway? Penguins are much better sautee'd over a steel drum that formerly held toxic waste than in a game, anyway!

Static said...

@ Julio - (1) If watching The View w/Selma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, & Eva Longoria, while simultaneously getting fisted is wrong, then I never want to be right again.

(2) To me, sex w/robots ([about:robots] in Fx) falls just below sex w/clubbed penguins, or sex with cripples with club feet, which are second to sliced bread...teh onlys thing greaters than that is SEX WITH SLICED BREAD!!!1

(3) Z0mg! That's even better than sexing up sliced bread!!

(4) Sauteeing penguins stuffed in a old stinky boot over a biohazardous steel drum is tooo much awesome stimuli for my feeble little mind which has just SEXploded out the top of my skull like a massive orgasm because I am a dickhead...my brain is a fine pink mist..and it's all your fault!
http://asset.soup.io/asset/0455/9083_64a6.gif

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