Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Is Barack Obama a Real Person OR an Elaborate Hoax?

The media is once again focused on the legitimacy of Barack Obama's birth records. Several non-partisan organizations have located valid flaws in the birth certificate presented by the Obama campaign last year, however, it is only recently that experts have uncovered the full extent of the liberal-socialist conspiracy.

The truth, however, is much more frightening than any of us could have anticipated. The conspiracy is embedded deep within the very fabric of all news media, including television, newspapers and even radio. But no matter how far the arms of Socialism extend, they can never fully envelop the Internets. It is here that the vast conspiracy will ultimately unfold. Before you read this, you may want to connect to a secure internet connection to prevent yourself from being identified.

Barack Hussein Obama is a fictional character. Barack H. Obama, a.k.a Barack Saddam Hussein Osama bin Laden, a.k.a. Obama bin Larden is not actually a real (legal or otherwise) human being. He was never born, and therefore was never officially elected to the U.S. presidency. The man we know as "Barack Hussein Obama" is actually played by an actor named "Fred G. Sanford." His persona was created and developed by the extreme left in order to usher us into a socialist-facist state. Shh, keep it on the down-low, if you know what I mean. Knowaddimean?
It has been planned for over 12 years since the mid 1990's in response to the growing Conservative movement in this country. The proof of this is undeniable. Doctored photos. Doctored and/or falsified legal documents. Those televised presidential addresses? A robot. Personal appearances at various events. A muppet. The unexpected delivery of your child in the backseat of a taxicab? The mugging on the A-train? The gas station hold up? The night you got raped? Simply some guy (probably some homeless person) who looks like the most elaborate hoax ever created. You name it -- they've done it.

obama conspiracy
Picture of the U.S. Capitol Building

Doctored version of previous photo featuring Fred G. Sanford as "Barack H. Obama"

Falsified Birth Record provided as evidence of Sanford's pseudonym

Same document with errors exemplified

"The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father" were written in order to further develop "Barack Obama" as a politically viable minority candidate. Soon a national "catastrophe" will occur, and will be used as an excuse to void the Constitution and establish a Socialist-Facist state. U.S. soldiers will enter our homes, disarm us of our weapons and adopt us as property of the State. Good god the end is near. Grab all the tea bags in the house. Head for your basements now and kiss your asses goodbye!

[insert visual image of self kissing own ass here]

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos Part I

"Une Hobo," source of my inspiration (as well as my anal warts)!
According to Wikipedia, a "figure of speech" is defined as "a use of a word that diverges from its normal meaning, or a phrase with a specialized meaning not based on the literal meaning of the words in it such as a metaphor, simile, or personification." As you can cleary see in the list below, there are nearly 100 such twists of language, and believe it or not, these are the building blocks of humor as we know it. They are broken up into two categories: Schemes and Tropes. For the sake of entertainment, I will demonstrate each of these with the focus being on hobos.

The overall goal of this project is to increase public awareness that comedy is in fact an art form. Perhaps if they themselves can produce and understand comedic material, comedians such as ourselves won't have to watch cliched sit-coms or listen to the average person's pathetic attempts at conversational improvisation.

§ alliteration: A series of words that begin with the same letter or sound alike
Hidden hobos housed in huts hurriedly hustle to help hydrogenous homosexuals hide their HIV.

§ anacoluthon: A change in the syntax within a sentence
Hobos, though filthy and dumb creatures --- are they not of much amusement to us in their drunken and/or crack-cocaine fueled stupor?

§ anadiplosis: Repetition of a word at the end of a clause at the beginning of another
Homelessness leads to desperation, desperation leads to crime and crime leads back to home. Though that home may be a prison, prisons provide warmth and sustenance whereas sidewalks do not.

§ anaphora: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the beginning of successive clauses
A hobo might smell (badly)
A hobo might light (a cigarette)
A hobo might smell (another hobo)
A hobo might fight (another hobo)
A hobo might sleep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might write (on a cardboard box)
A hobo might weep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might right (the wrongs)
A hobo might, tonight,
sleep upright.

§ anastrophe: Inversion of the usual word order
Yoda: Smells of urine, hobos do.

§ anticlimax: the arrangement of words in order of decreasing importance
Hobos provide city streets with character, personality and, least of all, public displays of nudity, urination and, least of all, bat-shit insanity.

§ antimetabole: Repetition of words in successive clauses, in reverse order
When a hobo bites, and then defecates upon, a man, that is not news; however, when a man bites, and then defecates upon, a hobo, that IS news.

§ antithesis: The juxtaposition of opposing or contrasting ideas
If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aphorismus: statement that calls into question the definition of a word
If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aposiopesis: Breaking off or pausing speech for dramatic or emotional effect
Is he doing what I think he’s…yup. That hobo just peed on the cure to Cancer.

§ apostrophe: Directing the attention away from the audience and to a personified abstraction
Dear hobos! I would, were you not untrustworthy carriers of disease, happily invite you into my home and listen to your eccentric stories of sporadic travel and street dwelling!

§ apposition: The placing of two elements side by side, in which the second defines the first
Hobos, those traveling salesmen of charity, provide a positive boost of self-esteem to all those (of higher status) that they encounter!

§ assonance: The repetition of vowel sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse
Old, ordinary hobos obtain kudos from over-obsessed observers and enthusiasts of the obsolescent pastime of hobo-ing.

*Julio's note: That's all for now, but don't worry --- part II of "Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos" will continue tomorrow! (to view the entire list of Figures of Speech, click here)

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