25 Reasons Why Being Rich is Totally Awesome!

Post by We Are The One Percent - A Parody Page.

This Not Your Airspace, Stupid Head

If China's new Air Defence Identification Zone was an Xbox Live match:

CHINA: MINE MINE MINE!
*China sets up missile turrets*
JAPAN: WTF dude!
USA: Not cool China, not cool.
RUSSIA: LOL
SWEDEN: IDK, NMP
*Sweden has left the game*
FRANCE: Fine you can have them! Just don't shoot!
*North Korea has joined the game*
NORTH KOREA: Yesssss! Suck it USA!
TAIWAN: China hacks!
CHINA: USA hacks more!
*EDWARD SNOWDEN has joined the game*
USA: SHIT! I G2GO!
*USA has left the game*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: LOL j/k this is Canada



"This our airspace too, pal!"


Editor's note: Thanks, @dangerbeau for making this lulz-worthy post possible.
image credit: The Daily Mail

Paula Deen Apologizes for Apologizing Apology

Oh my, gosh. Thank God they said it was a spoof.

I don't know about you, but I think this apology needed more butter.




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One Size Fits All

I’m so postmodern I quote myself in conversations and say things like "Wow, multiculturalism has become so hegemonic!"


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ADOPT MY PUPPIES ... BAD WEATHER HERE

GOOD DAY,

HOW ARE YOU DOING ? HOPE FINE.

MY NAME IS REV.BARRY GLITHER, I, MY WIFE AND 3 KIDS ARE ON A CHRISTIAN MISSION IN AFRICA.

WE HAVE SPENT BARELY ONE WEEK HERE.WE CAME ALONG WITH MY 2 YORKSHIRE TERRIER BABIES. (BOTH ARE FEW WEEKS OLD), AFTER A WHILE WE NOTICED THAT
THE AFRICAN WEATHER IS NOT GOOD FOR THEIR HEALTH AND I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM THE WAY I ALWAYS DO BECAUSE OF MY JOB.

THEY ARE AKC HOME RAISED, HOUSE AND POTTY TRAINED, VACINES & HEALTH GUARANTEE. I NEED SOMEONE TO ADOPT BOTH AND TAKE CARE OF THEM THE WAY I ALWAYS DO.

IF YOU CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM, DO SEND A REPLY AND I WILL EMAIL YOU WITH MORE INFO.

P/S: PROVIDE A CONTACT PHONE NUMBER FOR FURTHER COMMUNICATION.

I HOPE TO READ FROM YOU.

GOD BLESS YOU.

REV. BARRY GLITHER
barryglither@xxxxxx.xxx.xx

___________________________________________________________

Dear Barry,


We would be happy to take dog off hands. We love puppies, they are so tender and tasty at a young age. We promise to play with them and give them a happy life. We send you money now. Please send us your puppies as soon as possible.


Thank you,

Chang Shiu Chuik
#1xx-xxxx-xxxx

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Figures of Speech inspired by hobos: Part II

See Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos: Part I

Today’s exploration of the “Figures of Speech” will make-up the content of a continuous story involving myself, a colony of hobos and quite possibly extra-terrestrial life. Therefore, read each sentence in sequence, as a story of TRIVIAL SIGNIFICANCE will be revealed!

• asyndeton: Omission of conjunctions between related clauses.

Julio Grumbles discovered a 1,000 year-old tent city which was built by hobos, for hobos, with hobos. That’s right; they used the older, weaker hobos as mortar, as brick, and as accent walls…
Little did Julio know that, upon his discovery, he would become such a resident, a resident of a land without homes…just tents. Tents made out of homeless people.

• classification (literature & grammar): linking a proper noun and a common noun with an article.

It all began, 1,000 years ago, when Frederique the blind hobo, Linda the deaf crack-whore and Upgreyedd the crippled pimp sat around a burning cauldron filled with animal feces.
Though these three street-dwellers had never met, this chance meeting, unbeknownst to them, would change the fate of the Earth, and of Project Julio, forever…

• chiasmus: The word order in one clause is inverted in the other (inverted parallelism).

Soon men of all classes and faiths came to visit their encampment. They looked with the blind hobo, listened with the deaf hobo, and with the crippled hobo, they danced.

• climax: The arrangement of words or sentences in order of increasing importance.

Soon, however, unemployment hit all three major cities surrounding the three wise-men, and what was just a humble camp turned into a town, and then into a city, then back into a camp, and finally, and most importantly, it became what it remains to this day: a city of hobos.

• consonance: The repetition of consonant sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse.

The deranged ordeal started on a dark and desolate dirt-road when my 1987 Dodge-Durango ran out of diesel.

• ellipsis: Omission of words.

To make matters worse, my cell phone ran out of battery-life, as did my GPS, my HPS (hobo positioning system) and my butt-plug (travel edition ®).

• enallage: The substitution of forms that are grammatically different, but have the same meaning (e.g. isolated use of incorrect grammar; abrupt change in grammatical person; abrupt change in quantitative pronouns).

I was afraid, but determining, when I, Julio, finally exited the car. Then, out of the darknesses, a crafty hobo appeared to me in a flash of bright light! This hobo then shouts to a nearby broken street-lamp, “BOYS…I’VE DONE GOT US’S ANOTHER ONES!”

• enjambment: A breaking of a syntactic unit (a phrase, clause, or sentence) by the end of a line or between two (or more) verses.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by hobos, hobos
who began probing me with their warm,  throbbing rods
(that pierced my darkness with an eerie glow). These 
rods, I later learned, would be repeatedly inserted into
a bright, radioactive dust created by Nuclear-bomb
test which had taken place in the area during the War of 1812
reenactment which occurred sometime during the early 1960’s.

Just then, as Julio realized that he was about to be anally raped by a group of alien hobos wielding removable, glowing penises, something happened…a tiny glowing man, no more than 3 feet tall, walked up to Julio, took his hand, and in it he placed $3.50 in quarters. “E.T. Phone Home,” he said.

• enthymeme: Informal method of presenting a syllogism.

“What luck!,” I thought,  as I contemplated my fate. If a hobo, alien or not, gives someone else money, they MUST want something in return…so instead of being RAPED anally by alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises, I’m instead going to be PAID to have consensual anal sex with alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises. Fan-fucking-tabulous!

• epanalepsis: Repetition of the initial word or words of a clause or sentence at the end of the clause or sentence.

I should intervene and let my readers know that I’m okay and unharmed. My anus, luckily for me, and luckily for my anus, was spared that day. The name of the game was not “shove glowing rods into this guy’s anus.” The integrity of my anus, and all that my anal virginity represents to the integrity of my anus, remained intact.

• epistrophe: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the end of successive clauses. The counterpart of anaphora (also known as antistrophe).

Regardless, this was truly an “Encounter of the Third Kind,” where “the third kind” is defined as “anal rape” and “encounter” is defined as “being surrounded by hobo aliens” and “truly” is defined as “letters I wrote to my attorney in order strengthen my ‘psychological instability’ defense during my first murder trial.”

*Julio’s Note* To be continued…but don’t be homo(cidal)!!! In the next segment, the story continues as we discover what exactly the glowing midget meant when he said “E.T. Phone Home” and why exactly aliens would (or wouldn’t) live in an ancient, 2,000 year old hobo village!

Chick-fil-A Reconsiders Stance on Gay-Marriage

Despite a single record-setting day in sales on 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day', Chick-fil-A has recently announced it's decision to reconsider gay marriage. As a way to celebrate it's acceptance of sexual orientation diversity the fast food restaurant chain is promoting their newest incarnation the "Gay Chicken Sandwich" for a limited time.

Chick-fil-A spokesperson, Dick "Butch" Buttkiss (not related to the former NFL player and all around celebrity), stated that the sandwiches are made from 100% gay chickens. "As a sign of solidarity with the gay and lesbian community, Chick-fil-A is offering this new product in the hopes of showing how sorry we are for offending those individuals. Chick-fil-A has also agreed to stop funding antigay groups. We are also proud to say that Chick-fil-A is for any union that makes people happy, even if it means the joining of man and chicken."

"Honestly, we here at Chick-fil-A hope that gays and lesbians will reconsider their boycott on Chick-fil-A and become our customers once again. Frankly, our sales have plummeted since 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day' so we created a new campaign, 'Gay Chicken Appreciation Day'."

When questioned about the authenticity of the Gay Chicken Sandwich being made from gay chickens, Buttkiss had this to say, "We have ensured through a two-step process that the chickens harvested for this new sandwich ARE indeed gay. The first step is watching HOW the chicken (or rooster) interacts with other members of it's own species -- do they have a natural attraction to same-sex members and so forth. Secondly, we lock them in a cage together with a same-sex member of it's own species for an extended period of time and then they are forced to fornicate with one another during their traditional mating season. This is how we know these chickens have gone gay."

When told that this was absolutely ridiculous reasoning, Buttkiss responded, "Look, as part of this promotion we are also including a limited time offering of same-sex sexual intercourse with ANY one of our employees at any Chick-fil-A restaurant location. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has even offered to give blowjobs and/or rimjobs to the first 1,000 customers. If that doesn't show Chick-fil-A's support of the gay and lesbian community then I don't know what does."

Buttkiss continued, "Hey, I bet you didn't know Elvis called us from the moon and said that HE'S gay and he loves our Gay Chicken Sandwich. He claims it's how he keeps his girlish figure."

Celebrity Endorsement Alert!

"The Colonel's secret recipe doesn't even taste this good." - Elvis

"Hurry down! This offer ends when the aliens come to destroy our planet on December 21st this year," Buttkiss added.



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