Friday, February 26, 2010

100 Ways to Grill a lolCat

 Killing a cat is quite easy, even for a child (I killed my first cat in-utero!). But once task is complete, i.e., once the proverbial cat is killed, what then is left for man to do? Do you roast over an open flame? Obviously you should inject it with barbecue sauce, but should this be done pre- or post-mortem? For all these answers and more, read on!

100 Ways to Grill a Cat

Way 100: Giant Super Cat
The first step to grilling a cat is to choose exactly which cat it is you’re going to grill. My first suggestion is a rather simple recipe. Just breed or bio-engineer a giant super-cat capable of killing a lion in a single bite. Then eat that lion. Then cut off the super-cat’s head and take a photo. Oh, and don’t forget the grillin’ sauce!!!
Way 85: Chinese Cat Market

Get your fresh cat meat here! Freeeesh cat meat
In America, “cruelty to animals” only refers to small, cuddly house-mammals; in China, however, anything that moves (especially baby girls!) is on the menu! The Chinese are a polite peoples, and will happily de-fur, skin, torture and finally kill the cat of your choice. Also, if you buy 5 cats, you get a baby girl FREE!

Way 70: Blowtorch

China's great...you don't even need Photoshop! They really do this shit!
After injecting your cat-of-choice with your sauce-of-choice, don’t forget to cook it with your hand-held blow-torch of choice. A simple butane flame will work fine, but for a quick cook, I would suggest a military-grade flame-thrower.

                                              

Way 50: Cat-Burger

Cute...and delicious!

God only knows what’s inside of a hamburger (Chinese baby girls?). Why  not eat the devil you know instead of the devil you don’t with CAT-BURGERS! You can eat them live (as seen above) or dead, have them minced or grounded, deep fried or boiled in cheese.
That’s it for today folks. For more ways to kill and subsequently eat a lolCat, tune in for the next installment. Or just use your imagination…who am I kidding. I’ll get you more dead cats by Tuesday!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator: Just blame it on the Liberals



Pat Robertson: The Man
pat robertson,hell,evil

As we all know, ever since God accidentally created Pat Robertson from a mutated fragment of Hitler's DNA, Liberals have been a bigger scapegoat for all society's woes than the Jews, 9/11 and violent video-games put together. But this idea is anything but original, as this Conservative axiom of "Just blame it on the Liberals" has gone unchanged throughout human history. Whether it be when the Liberal Jews decided to follow Jesus, thereby forcing the Conservative Jews to kill him in order to "conserve" their corrupt power structure. Or when the Liberal Jews in 1930's Germany decided to own successful businesses, thereby forcing the Conservative White Anglo-Saxon Protestants to "conserve" their awful business philosophies by committing genocide. Or when the Liberals of the USA promoted gay rights, thereby forcing God to arrange 70 virgins for each of the 9/11 hijackers. Or when the Western Liberals of the late 1800's ended the slave trade, thereby creating a pact with the devil, thereby causing the Haitian revolution, thereby forcing Satan to cause the 7.0 magnitude Earthquake that killed over 150,000 Haitian civilians.

You see, in Pat Robertson's world, and the ignorant wackjobs who provide him with a forum to create that world, the Liberals are to blame for all the world's problems. It is the conservatives, rather, who solve those problems by doing nothing. For you see, nothing can really be a problem if you resign yourself to hopelessness and decide that all problems are unsolvable.

Pat Robertson: The Bullshit
pat robertson,constipation,constipated,hell

Bullshit was invented by "Dr." (Ph.D in Bullshit) Pat Robertson, circa 33 B.C. (or as the ATHEISTS/LIBERALS say, B.C.E.). The height of this achievement, however, did not occur until early 2010, when Pat "horse manure" Robertson stated as fact that Haiti was "cursed" after a "pact with the devil." Unfortunately for Mr. Robertson, this is somewhat based in fact, but not in the way that he thinks. You see, the myth of the Haitian pact with the devil was originally crafted by the Haitians themselves, and used as a weapon against their enslavers. During the Haitian revolution, Haitian general (a black general...IMPOSSIBLE!) Toussaint L'Ouverture used the ignorant superstitions of the Europeans (regarding African black-magic) as a weapon against Haiti's oppressors.

You see, Toussaint used an especially painful poison to assassinate enemy generals and afterwards openly claimed to have been using "black magic" to cause those deaths. The fear spread by these superstitions aided in reducing the morale of French troops. This increase in fear led to frequent retreats by French forces during battle, and also reduced French support for the war effort. You see, Mr. Robertson is not CRAZY...no, it is the cunning intellect of 17th century Haitians that serves to prove that Pat Robertson is STUPID. He's an ignorant, superstitious egomaniac, much like the French slave owners in Haiti over 200 years ago. Pat Robertson is just the kind of racist idiot that the "black magic" myth was intended to fool.


Pat Robertson: Just Blame it on the Liberals
Image Source,Photobucket Uploader Firefox Extension

Recently revealed on krapsody.com is a list of persons, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of God." Below, we here at Project Julio will provide a list of person's, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of Liberals." Oh, and if you're looking instead for a "Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator," just follow this simple formula: "Problem X" is/was caused by "Liberal Group Y" because of "Liberal Action Z". Example: 9/11 (x) was caused by Homosexuals (y) because of Double-fisted anal/penile penetration (z)

Project Julio Presents: The Official 2010 Pat Robertson "Acts of Liberals":

*The Making, and epic failure of, Kevin Costner's film "Waterworld"
*Itchy Wool Sweaters
*9/11: see above example for details
*Kevin Costner
*The hole in the Ozone Layer: because liberals starved the Ozone Layer of its precious CFC's.
*Oxycontin: the only drug that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Rush Limbaugh
*Earthquake in Haiti: due to the terrible events known as the "Abolition of Slavery"
Pedophilia: the only affliction that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Republican Congressman Mark Foley
*The Civil Rights act of 1964: "since when did MONKEY'S have the right to vote?!"
*Hurricane Katrina: again, double-fisted anal/penile penetration is responsible
*Reality: for having an "inherently liberal bias" - Stephen Colbert
and finally...
*The View: double-fisted anal/penile penetration...AGAIN

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