Monday, August 24, 2015

NAMBLA Membership Skyrockets On Rumors that "Jared from Subway" Lost Weight through Pedophilia

The secret to this famous weight loss success story
is not Subway, but love...illegal, man-boy love

Zionsville, IN - Jared Fogel, previously famous for losing 300 lbs on a diet consisting solely of Subway sandwiches, recently pleaded guilty for possession of child porn and hiring underage prostitutes. However, despite the public relations nightmare currently faced by Subway Inc., NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) is currently experiencing record membership as rumors spreads that Jared's weight loss was directly attributed to his pedophilia.

Sources within the "Jared Foundation" report that Jared's fast paced lifestyle, which centered around traumatizing children, taking advantage of drug addicted teens and hiding evidence from police, resulted in an elevated metabolism that ultimately led to the dramatic weight loss previously attributed to his "Subway diet." Doctors and scientists were quick to reject such claims, but the American public, short on attention span and quick to try any and every new bogus weight loss cure, have already begun kidnapping children at an alarming rate.

As a precaution against this rise in what is now called the "Pedodiet", the FBI has warned that parents of school aged children should not let them walk home from school without armed escort, and also to, ya know, not molest them. They also have noticed a spike in school bus thefts, so make sure that your bus driver is familiar. Even if you recognize your bus driver, to ensure your child's safety, do not let your child on the bus if the driver exhibits any of the following risk factors:

  • is overweight or suffering from an eating disorder
  • still refers to Jared Fogel as a "weightloss pioneer"
  • has lost weight in recent weeks
  • has a "NAMBLA" keychain or paraphernalia
  • is Jared Fogel 

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