Thursday, October 25, 2012

Judge your wipe, asshole!

Analogy for the war in Iraq: Shit you didn't plan for

Doesn't anyone find it weird that we all casually look at our own shit? You wipe, wipe, and eventually you've got to check your progress. Has your ass been sufficiently de-shitted? There's only one way to know, and that's to look at your own shit.

Now, some of you must be thinking, "Hell no! I don't look at my own shit, you sick freak!" But yes, yes you do. How else do you know when you're done wiping, huh? You have some kind of shit-sense the rest of us don't know about? And lets just say you don't look. Then you likely have hobo-ass by now. That's right, I said "hobo-ass." That means that your ass is equivalent to that of a hobo, who I'm sure also doesn't look either because it is well-known that their ass contains a thick layer of unwipeable perma-shit. I hope you shower, asshole, because if you take a bath, you'll be sitting in a pool of your own shit-juice. You're the sick freak. Fucker.

You, after one of your shit-baths
Anyway, you ultimately have to look at the toilet paper, and sometimes you find out you've got less than .025 inches between your hand and a wet glob of shit. Likely, this shit is seeping through your thin sheet of paper and making contact with your skin. You've all had shit on your hands at some point. Don't think you're better than me. I looked at my shit 5 minutes before I wrote this, and it was beautiful.

That's right, I think shit is beautiful. You might as well. You're going to look at it an average of once a day, you might as well find the beauty in it. The varying textures, the diverse shades of brown (and the occasional green) and the inevitable smell that escapes your airtight ass-on-toilet seal which must be broken in order to judge the wipe. Was is an average wipe? A surprisingly clean wipe? Did you wipe too much and now your anus is bleeding? These are important questions that are all answered by simply examining your used toilet paper. You don't want ass-blood on your hands, do you?

Your ass if you don't judge your wipe!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Figures of Speech inspired by hobos: Part II

See Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos: Part I

Today’s exploration of the “Figures of Speech” will make-up the content of a continuous story involving myself, a colony of hobos and quite possibly extra-terrestrial life. Therefore, read each sentence in sequence, as a story of TRIVIAL SIGNIFICANCE will be revealed!
  • asyndetonOmission of conjunctions between related clauses.
Julio Grumbles discovered a 1,000 year-old tent city which was built by hobos, for hobos, with hobos. That’s right; they used the older, weaker hobos as mortar, as brick, and as accent walls
Little did Julio know that, upon his discovery, he would become such a resident, a resident of a land without homesjust tents. Tents made out of homeless people.
It all began, 1,000 years ago, when Frederique the blind hoboLinda the deaf crack-whore and Upgreyedd the crippled pimp sat around a burning cauldron filled with animal feces.
Though these three street-dwellers had never met, this chance meeting, unbeknownst to them, would change the fate of the Earth, and of Project Julio, forever
Soon men of all classes and faiths came to visit their encampment. They looked with the blind hobo, listened with the deaf hobo, and with the crippled hobo, they danced.
  • climax: The arrangement of words or sentences in order of increasing importance.
Soon, however, unemployment hit all three major cities surrounding the three wise-men, and what was just a humble camp turned into a town, and then into a city, then back into a camp, and finally, and most importantly, it became what it remains to this day: a city of hobos.
  • consonance: The repetition of consonant sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse.
The deranged ordeal started on a dark and desolate dirt-road when my 1987 Dodge-Durango ran out of diesel.
To make matters worse, my cell phone ran out of battery-life, as did my GPS, my HPS (hobo positioning system) and my butt-plug (travel edition ®).
  • enallageThe substitution of forms that are grammatically different, but have the same meaning (e.g. isolated use of incorrect grammar; abrupt change in grammatical person; abrupt change in quantitative pronouns).
I was afraid, but determining, when I, Julio, finally exited the car. Then, out of the darknesses, a crafty hobo appeared to me in a flash of bright light! This hobo then shouts to a nearby broken street-lamp, “BOYS…I’VE DONE GOT US’S ANOTHER ONES!”
  • enjambment: A breaking of a syntactic unit (a phrase, clause, or sentence) by the end of a line or between two (or more) verses.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by hobos, hobos
who began probing me with their warm,  throbbing rods
(that pierced my darkness with an eerie glow). These 
rods, I later learned, would be repeatedly inserted into
a bright, radioactive dust created by Nuclear-bomb
test which had taken place in the area during the War of 1812
reenactment which occurred sometime during the early 1960’s.

Just then, as Julio realized that he was about to be anally raped by a group of alien hobos wielding removable, glowing penises, something happened…a tiny glowing man, no more than 3 feet tall, walked up to Julio, took his hand, and in it he placed $3.50 in quarters.E.T. Phone Home,” he said.
  • enthymeme: Informal method of presenting a syllogism.
What luck!,” I thought,  as I contemplated my fate. If a hobo, alien or not, gives someone else money, they MUST want something in return…so instead of being RAPED anally by alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises, I’m instead going to be PAID to have consensual anal sex with alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises. Fan-fucking-tabulous!
  • epanalepsis: Repetition of the initial word or words of a clause or sentence at the end of the clause or sentence.
I should intervene and let my readers know that I’m okay and unharmed. My anus, luckily for me, and luckily for my anus, was spared that day. The name of the game was not “shove glowing rods into this guy’s anus.” The integrity of my anus, and all that my anal virginity represents to the integrity of my anus, remained intact.
  • epistrophe: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the end of successive clauses. The counterpart of anaphora (also known as antistrophe).
Regardless, this was truly an “Encounter of the Third Kind,” where “the third kind” is defined as “anal rape” and “encounter” is defined as “being surrounded by hobo aliens” and “truly” is defined as “letters I wrote to my attorney in order strengthen my ‘psychological instability’ defense during my first murder trial.”

*Julio’s Note* To be continued…but don’t be homo(cidal)!!! In the next segment, the story continues as we discover what exactly the glowing midget meant when he said “E.T. Phone Home” and why exactly aliens would (or wouldn’t) live in an ancient, 2,000 year old hobo village!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Chick-fil-A Reconsiders Stance on Gay-Marriage

Despite a single record-setting day in sales on 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day', Chick-fil-A has recently announced it's decision to reconsider gay marriage. As a way to celebrate it's acceptance of sexual orientation diversity the fast food restaurant chain is promoting their newest incarnation the "Gay Chicken Sandwich" for a limited time.

Chick-fil-A spokesperson, Dick "Butch" Buttkiss (not related to the former NFL player and all around celebrity), stated that the sandwiches are made from 100% gay chickens. "As a sign of solidarity with the gay and lesbian community, Chick-fil-A is offering this new product in the hopes of showing how sorry we are for offending those individuals. Chick-fil-A has also agreed to stop funding antigay groups. We are also proud to say that Chick-fil-A is for any union that makes people happy, even if it means the joining of man and chicken."

"Honestly, we here at Chick-fil-A hope that gays and lesbians will reconsider their boycott on Chick-fil-A and become our customers once again. Frankly, our sales have plummeted since 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day' so we created a new campaign, 'Gay Chicken Appreciation Day'."

When questioned about the authenticity of the Gay Chicken Sandwich being made from gay chickens, Buttkiss had this to say, "We have ensured through a two-step process that the chickens harvested for this new sandwich ARE indeed gay. The first step is watching HOW the chicken (or rooster) interacts with other members of it's own species -- do they have a natural attraction to same-sex members and so forth. Secondly, we lock them in a cage together with a same-sex member of it's own species for an extended period of time and then they are forced to fornicate with one another during their traditional mating season. This is how we know these chickens have gone gay."

When told that this was absolutely ridiculous reasoning, Buttkiss responded, "Look, as part of this promotion we are also including a limited time offering of same-sex sexual intercourse with ANY one of our employees at any Chick-fil-A restaurant location. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has even offered to give blowjobs and/or rimjobs to the first 1,000 customers. If that doesn't show Chick-fil-A's support of the gay and lesbian community then I don't know what does."

Buttkiss continued, "Hey, I bet you didn't know Elvis called us from the moon and said that HE'S gay and he loves our Gay Chicken Sandwich. He claims it's how he keeps his girlish figure."

Celebrity Endorsement Alert!
"The Colonel's secret recipe doesn't even taste this good." - Elvis

"Hurry down! This offer ends when the aliens come to destroy our planet on December 21st this year," Buttkiss added.

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