Monday, October 22, 2012

Figures of Speech inspired by hobos: Part II

See Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos: Part I

Today’s exploration of the “Figures of Speech” will make-up the content of a continuous story involving myself, a colony of hobos and quite possibly extra-terrestrial life. Therefore, read each sentence in sequence, as a story of TRIVIAL SIGNIFICANCE will be revealed!
  • asyndetonOmission of conjunctions between related clauses.
Julio Grumbles discovered a 1,000 year-old tent city which was built by hobos, for hobos, with hobos. That’s right; they used the older, weaker hobos as mortar, as brick, and as accent walls
Little did Julio know that, upon his discovery, he would become such a resident, a resident of a land without homesjust tents. Tents made out of homeless people.
It all began, 1,000 years ago, when Frederique the blind hoboLinda the deaf crack-whore and Upgreyedd the crippled pimp sat around a burning cauldron filled with animal feces.
Though these three street-dwellers had never met, this chance meeting, unbeknownst to them, would change the fate of the Earth, and of Project Julio, forever
Soon men of all classes and faiths came to visit their encampment. They looked with the blind hobo, listened with the deaf hobo, and with the crippled hobo, they danced.
  • climax: The arrangement of words or sentences in order of increasing importance.
Soon, however, unemployment hit all three major cities surrounding the three wise-men, and what was just a humble camp turned into a town, and then into a city, then back into a camp, and finally, and most importantly, it became what it remains to this day: a city of hobos.
  • consonance: The repetition of consonant sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse.
The deranged ordeal started on a dark and desolate dirt-road when my 1987 Dodge-Durango ran out of diesel.
To make matters worse, my cell phone ran out of battery-life, as did my GPS, my HPS (hobo positioning system) and my butt-plug (travel edition ®).
  • enallageThe substitution of forms that are grammatically different, but have the same meaning (e.g. isolated use of incorrect grammar; abrupt change in grammatical person; abrupt change in quantitative pronouns).
I was afraid, but determining, when I, Julio, finally exited the car. Then, out of the darknesses, a crafty hobo appeared to me in a flash of bright light! This hobo then shouts to a nearby broken street-lamp, “BOYS…I’VE DONE GOT US’S ANOTHER ONES!”
  • enjambment: A breaking of a syntactic unit (a phrase, clause, or sentence) by the end of a line or between two (or more) verses.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by hobos, hobos
who began probing me with their warm,  throbbing rods
(that pierced my darkness with an eerie glow). These 
rods, I later learned, would be repeatedly inserted into
a bright, radioactive dust created by Nuclear-bomb
test which had taken place in the area during the War of 1812
reenactment which occurred sometime during the early 1960’s.

Just then, as Julio realized that he was about to be anally raped by a group of alien hobos wielding removable, glowing penises, something happened…a tiny glowing man, no more than 3 feet tall, walked up to Julio, took his hand, and in it he placed $3.50 in quarters.E.T. Phone Home,” he said.
  • enthymeme: Informal method of presenting a syllogism.
What luck!,” I thought,  as I contemplated my fate. If a hobo, alien or not, gives someone else money, they MUST want something in return…so instead of being RAPED anally by alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises, I’m instead going to be PAID to have consensual anal sex with alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises. Fan-fucking-tabulous!
  • epanalepsis: Repetition of the initial word or words of a clause or sentence at the end of the clause or sentence.
I should intervene and let my readers know that I’m okay and unharmed. My anus, luckily for me, and luckily for my anus, was spared that day. The name of the game was not “shove glowing rods into this guy’s anus.” The integrity of my anus, and all that my anal virginity represents to the integrity of my anus, remained intact.
  • epistrophe: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the end of successive clauses. The counterpart of anaphora (also known as antistrophe).
Regardless, this was truly an “Encounter of the Third Kind,” where “the third kind” is defined as “anal rape” and “encounter” is defined as “being surrounded by hobo aliens” and “truly” is defined as “letters I wrote to my attorney in order strengthen my ‘psychological instability’ defense during my first murder trial.”

*Julio’s Note* To be continued…but don’t be homo(cidal)!!! In the next segment, the story continues as we discover what exactly the glowing midget meant when he said “E.T. Phone Home” and why exactly aliens would (or wouldn’t) live in an ancient, 2,000 year old hobo village!

5 comments:

Static said...

This is a good list, Julio.

Here are some other figures of speech inspired by hobos (indirectly perhaps):

The anticlimax - Change, you got any?

Or the bathos - Hobos are usually very dependable, hardworking, and trustworthy people when they aren't drifting from town to town and worrying about being in trouble with the law.

Julio said...

I like those two additions. There is a huge list of figures of speech, and only God knows (Not the actual God, but rather a homeless guy we just call "God") how long it will take to complete the list.

Also, I think "Change, You got any?" is Mitt Romney's current and very sarcastic campaign slogan.

Julio said...

also, everyone knows that hobos don't take bathos. *drum roll*

Static said...

I know God. He hangs out on Ventura Blvd. and throws himself out in front of moving cars to purposely get hit by them and collect the insurance money. It's a similar strategy that Romney's and Obama's campaigns have both used. Serious business. Very lucrative indeed.

No bathos... nyuck nyuck nyuck.

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