Thursday, October 25, 2012

Judge your wipe, asshole!

Analogy for the war in Iraq: Shit you didn't plan for

Doesn't anyone find it weird that we all casually look at our own shit? You wipe, wipe, and eventually you've got to check your progress. Has your ass been sufficiently de-shitted? There's only one way to know, and that's to look at your own shit.

Now, some of you must be thinking, "Hell no! I don't look at my own shit, you sick freak!" But yes, yes you do. How else do you know when you're done wiping, huh? You have some kind of shit-sense the rest of us don't know about? And lets just say you don't look. Then you likely have hobo-ass by now. That's right, I said "hobo-ass." That means that your ass is equivalent to that of a hobo, who I'm sure also doesn't look either because it is well-known that their ass contains a thick layer of unwipeable perma-shit. I hope you shower, asshole, because if you take a bath, you'll be sitting in a pool of your own shit-juice. You're the sick freak. Fucker.

You, after one of your shit-baths
Anyway, you ultimately have to look at the toilet paper, and sometimes you find out you've got less than .025 inches between your hand and a wet glob of shit. Likely, this shit is seeping through your thin sheet of paper and making contact with your skin. You've all had shit on your hands at some point. Don't think you're better than me. I looked at my shit 5 minutes before I wrote this, and it was beautiful.

That's right, I think shit is beautiful. You might as well. You're going to look at it an average of once a day, you might as well find the beauty in it. The varying textures, the diverse shades of brown (and the occasional green) and the inevitable smell that escapes your airtight ass-on-toilet seal which must be broken in order to judge the wipe. Was is an average wipe? A surprisingly clean wipe? Did you wipe too much and now your anus is bleeding? These are important questions that are all answered by simply examining your used toilet paper. You don't want ass-blood on your hands, do you?

Your ass if you don't judge your wipe!



Monday, October 22, 2012

Figures of Speech inspired by hobos: Part II

See Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos: Part I

Today’s exploration of the “Figures of Speech” will make-up the content of a continuous story involving myself, a colony of hobos and quite possibly extra-terrestrial life. Therefore, read each sentence in sequence, as a story of TRIVIAL SIGNIFICANCE will be revealed!
  • asyndetonOmission of conjunctions between related clauses.
Julio Grumbles discovered a 1,000 year-old tent city which was built by hobos, for hobos, with hobos. That’s right; they used the older, weaker hobos as mortar, as brick, and as accent walls
Little did Julio know that, upon his discovery, he would become such a resident, a resident of a land without homesjust tents. Tents made out of homeless people.
It all began, 1,000 years ago, when Frederique the blind hoboLinda the deaf crack-whore and Upgreyedd the crippled pimp sat around a burning cauldron filled with animal feces.
Though these three street-dwellers had never met, this chance meeting, unbeknownst to them, would change the fate of the Earth, and of Project Julio, forever
Soon men of all classes and faiths came to visit their encampment. They looked with the blind hobo, listened with the deaf hobo, and with the crippled hobo, they danced.
  • climax: The arrangement of words or sentences in order of increasing importance.
Soon, however, unemployment hit all three major cities surrounding the three wise-men, and what was just a humble camp turned into a town, and then into a city, then back into a camp, and finally, and most importantly, it became what it remains to this day: a city of hobos.
  • consonance: The repetition of consonant sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse.
The deranged ordeal started on a dark and desolate dirt-road when my 1987 Dodge-Durango ran out of diesel.
To make matters worse, my cell phone ran out of battery-life, as did my GPS, my HPS (hobo positioning system) and my butt-plug (travel edition ®).
  • enallageThe substitution of forms that are grammatically different, but have the same meaning (e.g. isolated use of incorrect grammar; abrupt change in grammatical person; abrupt change in quantitative pronouns).
I was afraid, but determining, when I, Julio, finally exited the car. Then, out of the darknesses, a crafty hobo appeared to me in a flash of bright light! This hobo then shouts to a nearby broken street-lamp, “BOYS…I’VE DONE GOT US’S ANOTHER ONES!”
  • enjambment: A breaking of a syntactic unit (a phrase, clause, or sentence) by the end of a line or between two (or more) verses.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by hobos, hobos
who began probing me with their warm,  throbbing rods
(that pierced my darkness with an eerie glow). These 
rods, I later learned, would be repeatedly inserted into
a bright, radioactive dust created by Nuclear-bomb
test which had taken place in the area during the War of 1812
reenactment which occurred sometime during the early 1960’s.

Just then, as Julio realized that he was about to be anally raped by a group of alien hobos wielding removable, glowing penises, something happened…a tiny glowing man, no more than 3 feet tall, walked up to Julio, took his hand, and in it he placed $3.50 in quarters.E.T. Phone Home,” he said.
  • enthymeme: Informal method of presenting a syllogism.
What luck!,” I thought,  as I contemplated my fate. If a hobo, alien or not, gives someone else money, they MUST want something in return…so instead of being RAPED anally by alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises, I’m instead going to be PAID to have consensual anal sex with alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises. Fan-fucking-tabulous!
  • epanalepsis: Repetition of the initial word or words of a clause or sentence at the end of the clause or sentence.
I should intervene and let my readers know that I’m okay and unharmed. My anus, luckily for me, and luckily for my anus, was spared that day. The name of the game was not “shove glowing rods into this guy’s anus.” The integrity of my anus, and all that my anal virginity represents to the integrity of my anus, remained intact.
  • epistrophe: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the end of successive clauses. The counterpart of anaphora (also known as antistrophe).
Regardless, this was truly an “Encounter of the Third Kind,” where “the third kind” is defined as “anal rape” and “encounter” is defined as “being surrounded by hobo aliens” and “truly” is defined as “letters I wrote to my attorney in order strengthen my ‘psychological instability’ defense during my first murder trial.”

*Julio’s Note* To be continued…but don’t be homo(cidal)!!! In the next segment, the story continues as we discover what exactly the glowing midget meant when he said “E.T. Phone Home” and why exactly aliens would (or wouldn’t) live in an ancient, 2,000 year old hobo village!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Chick-fil-A Reconsiders Stance on Gay-Marriage

Despite a single record-setting day in sales on 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day', Chick-fil-A has recently announced it's decision to reconsider gay marriage. As a way to celebrate it's acceptance of sexual orientation diversity the fast food restaurant chain is promoting their newest incarnation the "Gay Chicken Sandwich" for a limited time.

Chick-fil-A spokesperson, Dick "Butch" Buttkiss (not related to the former NFL player and all around celebrity), stated that the sandwiches are made from 100% gay chickens. "As a sign of solidarity with the gay and lesbian community, Chick-fil-A is offering this new product in the hopes of showing how sorry we are for offending those individuals. Chick-fil-A has also agreed to stop funding antigay groups. We are also proud to say that Chick-fil-A is for any union that makes people happy, even if it means the joining of man and chicken."

"Honestly, we here at Chick-fil-A hope that gays and lesbians will reconsider their boycott on Chick-fil-A and become our customers once again. Frankly, our sales have plummeted since 'Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day' so we created a new campaign, 'Gay Chicken Appreciation Day'."


When questioned about the authenticity of the Gay Chicken Sandwich being made from gay chickens, Buttkiss had this to say, "We have ensured through a two-step process that the chickens harvested for this new sandwich ARE indeed gay. The first step is watching HOW the chicken (or rooster) interacts with other members of it's own species -- do they have a natural attraction to same-sex members and so forth. Secondly, we lock them in a cage together with a same-sex member of it's own species for an extended period of time and then they are forced to fornicate with one another during their traditional mating season. This is how we know these chickens have gone gay."

When told that this was absolutely ridiculous reasoning, Buttkiss responded, "Look, as part of this promotion we are also including a limited time offering of same-sex sexual intercourse with ANY one of our employees at any Chick-fil-A restaurant location. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has even offered to give blowjobs and/or rimjobs to the first 1,000 customers. If that doesn't show Chick-fil-A's support of the gay and lesbian community then I don't know what does."

Buttkiss continued, "Hey, I bet you didn't know Elvis called us from the moon and said that HE'S gay and he loves our Gay Chicken Sandwich. He claims it's how he keeps his girlish figure."

Celebrity Endorsement Alert!
"The Colonel's secret recipe doesn't even taste this good." - Elvis


"Hurry down! This offer ends when the aliens come to destroy our planet on December 21st this year," Buttkiss added.



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Friday, September 21, 2012

Clint Eastwood...the day AFTER the Last Supper



I know what you must be thinking, and yes, Clint Eastwood is over 2,000 years old. I don't know which one of these geezers in the painting is Mr. Eastwood, but my bet is that he's still in the bathroom having a conversation with the hole in the ground everyone shits in.

The day after the supper, however, is what made the 12 apostles revoke his "apostle" status and instead refer to him as simply, "a homeless." Thus began the most painful 30 minutes in lost Biblical history

eastwood-talking-to-chair

You know, Jesus, I...first, I gotta say, what is up with that hair man? You look like a homeless --- I know you're actually homeless, but don't interrupt me. That's just rude. You should know, "Mr. Golden Rule." Can you believe this guy? Anyway, I...what? You want some water? SOMEBODY GIVE JESUS A GODDAMN GLASS OF WATER! HE JUST DIED FOR GOD'S SAKE!

As I was saying...Jesus, what was up with the whole cross fiasco? No lightning, no raining fire down to smite your foes, no nothing! All you did was complain about the state of mankind, and how you had nails in your hand, and how you thought if you could stop one thing from happening in the future, it would be BET. 

What, you're leaving? In the middle of my speech? Can you believe this guy? He asked for water and he didn't even drink it! What's that? Well go fuck yourself too, ya damn dirty ape!

-fin

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Offensive Portrayal of Muhammad! A "Must See" for Angry Muslims!

If you read this blog, you know that I have a deep-seated desire to cause outrage and violence across the Muslim world by portraying the Prophet Muhammad in various inappropriate circumstances. Given the rise in popularity of such acts, I have decided to showcase Project Julio's most memorable, sacrilegious portrayals of the Prophet Muhammad (now in COLOR)!

First off, is a Project Julio classic of the Prophet Muhammad stealing an expensive book by sneakily placing it within his robes:

If a prophet steals a book in the woods...
                                             
And how could we forget this one of the Prophet Muhammad transforming a woman into a horse and then conjuring flaming demons to force alcohol down the throats of hobos!

Is it hot in here, or is it just that we're all engulfed in flames?

And finally, here's the Prophet Muhammad after eating a very spicy chili pepper!

Muhammad Ali6 Muhammad Ali’s Ten Greatest Quotes
This pepper is HOTTER THAN A GIRAFFE IN HEAT! Keyoooow!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Nyan Cat: FBI in Hot Pursuit

Project Julio readers may remember our special report last September about the internet meme and phenom, Nyan Cat, being the mastermind behind 9/11. This abominable act can no longer be blamed upon Obama bin Larden. Nyan Cat must be stopped and brought to justice...and/or shot in the head and dumped into the nearest ocean or large body of water....

I bet he tastes pretty good toasted, with a glass of milk....

All that delicious FROSTING and fruity filling....

Perhaps his remains could cure cancer. But ...we'll figure all of that out later!

After learning of Nyan Cat's involvement in 9/11 authorities have been attempting to capture him. We followed up on an anonymous tip that the police are in hot pursuit at this very moment somewhere outside Las Vegas. Yes. I've just been told that we have a camera crew live at the scene...let's see how this new and startling development unfolds!



Wow, clearly Nyan Cat is gonna get away with this shit. Damn you Nyan Cat! Damn you to Hell!!

Back to you, Wolf Blitzer!





















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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A Cause that is as Sound as a Dollar So Long as You Continue to Bet On the Wrong Horse

anonymous irony

What's that you ask? How is this possible? Well, first of all, the Guy Fawkes mask is licensed to Time Warner which holds rights to the film V for Vendetta, meaning that any merchandise tied to the film makes its way into the pockets of Time Warner: the world's second largest media outlet with major operations in film, television and publishing.

I can hear the sound of crickets echoing through a vast expanse of empty heads. Shall I explain it more simply for you? You are keeping a wealthy conglomerate in business with your purchase of these masks, thinking that you're supporting a cause when the reality is that you are working against yourselves.

How are you working against yourselves? I guess if I have to spell it out for you that's what I'll do.
Let's look at both your list of epic fail and examine Time Warner and all they stand for...

First, FYI: Time Warner Inc. owns almost every major media source on the planet. Time Warner's CEO and many other high level executives are members of the Council on Foreign Relations (list here).

Well, who the fuck are they? Meetings of the Council of Foreign Relations are held in secret outside the scrutiny of the public. The only way to become a member is through invitation only. Most influential politicians, academics and media personalities are members. They are a U.S. based nonprofit, nonpartisan membership organization and publisher, composed of Wall Street types, international bankers, executives of powerful foundations, members of various think-tanks and other tax exempt foundations. Gee, all of this sounds so very fascinating. Interested to learn more?

There are Ambassadors, past and present Presidents of the United States, and Secretaries of State. Other members include Lobbyists, Media Conglomerate Owners as well as University Presidents and Professors. even Federal and Supreme Court Judges and members of the Military from both NATO and the Pentagon.
The very identity of the establishment is vague, it can be defined by secrecy. Juicy, yeah?

What do they do? Started as the Royal Institute of International Affairs in England during the 1800's, the Council of Foreign Relations opened up shop here in America in 1921. It was almost entirely composed of people from J.P. Morgan interests. In 1927 the Council grew with funding coming from both the Rockefeller and Carnegie Foundations. Additional funding for the Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) came from such financial interests as Bernard Baruch, Jacob Schiff, Otto Kahn, and Paul Warburg -- the same folks that established the Federal Reserve System.

Today the funds to continue the Council of Foreign Relations is received by large corporations like Xerox, General Motors, Bristol-Meyers Squibb, Texaco. There are also other entities that finance the CFR as well as several trusts and funds like the German Marshall Fund, McKnight Foundation, Dillion Fund, Ford Foundation, Andrew W. Mellon Foundation, Rockefeller Brothers Fund, Starr Foundation, and the Pew Charitable Trusts. So it goes without saying that these folks have a long history of power and influence.

If one group is effectively in control of national governments and multinational corporations; promotes world government and influences foreign policies, as well as influencing public opinion through control of media, foundation grants, and education; and controls and guides the issues of the day; then CFR controls most options available. In summary, the CFR, and the financial powers behind it, have certainly done all these things. They can be considered the promotional arm of the ruling elite in the U.S. fisting every last fool willing to bend over and let them violate their widening balloon knot.

How often do you have to get fucked in the ass with no lube by corporate giant prick before you learn your lesson -- unless you like that or something? So just consider that for a moment.

With all that in mind, it should be clear that we are being fed specific news and messages to fit a specific agenda. In other words we're being systematically brainwashed. Since I'm outlining the obvious for you, don’t trust mainstream media sources, they only report what they want you to know. "Buy, consume, make us rich while you bury yourselves in debt, just take it in the pooper and like it."

Addressing the argument that V for Vendetta is a thinly veiled attack on the War on Terror, and it depicts religion and government as overrun by evil people who oppress and torture “innocent” people (not a far cry from the truth in some instances really), the film is also extremely dogmatic and brimming with sophism. It's like replacing one evil for another evil. Does murdering murderers or blowing things up necessarily solve things? That's not much more intelligent or enlightened than those bible-toting, bible-quoting idiots who shoot and blow people up at abortion clinics to protest the murders of  the unborn.

Similarly, you kill one murdering fanatic and another just replaces them. You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet right? Violence begets violence and nothing more. And that's exactly what they want you to do. Those people want everyone to hate you. The war on terrorism will always shift targets so long as you are a willing participant. Shall I go on with this atrocious analogy?

How quaint and perfectly dystopian our world would be with more unending war piled atop more unending war. I believe that pointing out these logical fallacies was the original intention of both the graphic novel and the movie. But some of you fucking morons are too stupid to get it.

And even though the film was released by Time Warner, which takes some risks, there was already overwhelming disapproval of the GWB administration when this movie was released so it wasn't like that was all that shocking, V is still loosely based on the graphic novel. For both the movie and the book, the guilt is not laid on government so much as it is the public, for "knowing something is wrong with this country" and sitting on the couch doing nothing.

Also Alan Moore distanced himself from the film, without having seen it. He asked for his name to be removed from all promotional materials, because he had no involvement in writing the script or advising director James McTeigue. The film alters the plot and involves the public, inspiring a revolution whereas Moore's V never goes so far. It, instead, focuses on V's attempts to inspire one person to carry on his legacy, with the implication that if he can inspire one, his ideals can inspire a nation. Even the finale is far distanced from the book.

In other words, the Guy Fawkes that is depicted in both the movie and the book is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER and a FICTIONAL ACCOUNT -- kind of like, oh, I dunno kind of like JESUS? You might as all well be wearing Star Wars costumes and picketing at Star Trek conventions. Some of you are rebels without a clue.

Beyond the political or social ramifications of the film it also does not account for Time Warner's own history of hypocrisy, which is the real point to be made here.

Time Warner Cable has a slew of complaints against it (there's plenty more than that if you just Google it). Do you really want to support a corporation that doesn't value it's customers? Or would you prefer to continue using your script kiddie powers to interrupt web service here and there, and take down small time websites under the false impression that you are "making a difference"? Feel free to try and take ours down if you think that the opinions expressed here don't jive with your ideals, fuckwits.

Additionally, speaking of the web, since Time Warner merged with AOL they also control a vast amount of the internet. Time Warner was one of three of the largest internet providers who proposed shutting down or placing monthly limits on their user's online activity, thereby throwing us all back to the dark ages of telephones and postage stamps.

Limiting the use of the internet is an economic and freedom issue, and if Anonymous stands for anything it stands up for net neutrality, the right of the people to have access to the internet and the sharing of information. Anonymous knows that monopolies, cable and telcos, are not our friends. They are here to make a profit and control what we know. And if you don't know that by now then you're either living in a cave or you haven't quite evolved yet. But I repeat myself, Oh, redundant ones.

So why support Time Warner with every V for Vendetta Guy Fawkes mask purchased? You can try stealing them, but good luck when you get caught and your anonymity is even more compromised when you enter the criminal justice system. I am not against Anonymous, nor do I stand behind everything they do. I just think that their methodology needs tweaking. Any cause needs lobbyists and representatives who can bring about real change. Somewhere out there are a few people with some brains and less fanatical ideologies. Hopefully. But I have my doubts as 90% of the population appears to be mentally ill, or stupid, or both.

To those individuals that are capable, provided with this information and using sound reasoning and logic, here is my thinking -- if you really need or want to wear a disguise (which I entirely relate to), instead of purchasing a Guy Fawkes mask, I suggest you march down to the nearest Mom and Pop shop, show your support for the backbone of America and purchase a nondescript no label ski mask from them. In essence you will be thumbing your nose at giant corporations and your dollars go to a good cause, putting a small business owner ahead with real cash flow.

If ski masks are good enough for bank robbers, muggers, rapists, and the occasional terrorist organization, or the clandestine operations of our own CIA or military, then they are good enough for you.

If you want to be more creative you can always buy one of these on Etsy.

Etsy Mask
Don't ask me for the link to this shit. I can't be bothered taking you by the fucking hand.

Take your pick. There's more than one to choose from. There's even this one which is a little closer to looking like the REAL Guy Fawkes who had a full beard, not that pansy-ass arty hipster Hollyweird moustache and sour patch across the chin like some kind of half-assed stellar achievement of manhood inspired by a drunken Dirty Sanchez attempt. Spare me the goddamned faggotry.


Guy Fawkes
A Portrait of the Real Guy Fawkes
Not Guy Fawkes Beanie Beard
A Portrait of  a Wannabe Guy Fawkes

Plus a ski mask doesn't get crushed, melt, or crack when dropped or sat upon, and it also has no elastic headband that can snap thereby rendering the mask useless. The only thing that can destroy a ski mask is fire, hydrochloric acid, and loss through theft. 

But don't take my word for it, if you really want to be uniform and homogenous I suggest you all pick the same one. To hell with individuality or being unique! After all you are mocking an establishment of drones, right?

Oh, fuck it. I've inflicted enough butthurt for one day.
  
Shh. Just go back to sleep.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

7.017 Billion Monkeys Can't Stop The Bloodshed

What kind of world do we live in where a 25-year-old Liberian refugee in the Marine Corps is killed in action in Afghanistan fighting for an elitist unsustainable American cause?

What kind of world do we live in where BLOOD is an EQUAL exchange for OIL?

What kind of world do we live in where being heroic (being made a man out of - or having a dream) involves killing or being killed?

What kind of world do we live in where life is not honored, and DEATH is glorified over recognition for LIVING A FULL LIFE and giving unto others as opposed to being taken away and never having the chance to do better?

What kind of a world do we live in that allows a man to die for these stupid reasons without saying goodbye to his wife and 18-month-old baby?

What kind of a world do we live in that we can just ignore these facts?

Does that seem like a fair and reasonable trade-off to you?

If so, then there is something REALLY fucking wrong with you.

Source: personal experience and THIS::



"Our real enemies are not those living in a distant land whose names or policies we don't understand; The real enemy is a system that wages war when it's profitable, the CEOs who lay us off our jobs when it's profitable, the Insurance Companies who deny us Health care when it's profitable, the Banks who take away our homes when it's profitable. Our enemies are not several hundred thousand miles away. They are right here in front of us." - Mike Prysner

And THIS:



"Our founding fathers told us, George Carlin and Bill Hicks told us, Presidents have told us, Generals have told us, and we're telling you. Wake Up." -- Occupy Marine Corps

Please Support the Veterans at: http://www.ivaw.org/ Also visit www.antiwar.com

The name of the track used is Boards of Canada -Davyan Cowboy Speech Transcript: http://dotsub.com/view/749fb533-dad3-4105-a56e-565e3f6d0972/viewTranscript/eng

Watch with Spanish sub titles Asombroso discurso de un Veterano SUBTITULADO ESPAƑOL DISCURSO DE MIKE PRYSNER indicando quienes son el enemigo verdadero de su pais. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kWU-JHetMM

Semper Fi, brothers and sisters.

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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

5,000,000,000,000 Monkeys Couldn't Fix Massachusett's Public School Phys Ed Program

Hey, everybody. What do you get when you cross a monkey with a school board official? I don't know, but I bet it smells like a sack of primate shit.

School bake sales are now being banned in Massachusetts, by the same geniuses that proposed physical education cutbacks due to budget crunches. Most districts scaled back or eliminated their phys ed programs amidst a "public health crisis" of obese and overweight children in Mass. public schools. So the logical decision of course is to eliminate food bake sales where those fat kids could really clean up.

Because, you know, it's not like they're partly getting overweight from a lack of physical activity or anything... :|

Oh, I know! Why not CUT the school lunch program too?

And while you're at it, you MAss-holes should take a note from Newt Gingrich's book and make those thickset lazy students do janitorial work at their schools; scrubbing floors with a toothbrush and scraping vomit off the bathroom ceilings. It will help burn off some of the whalelike blubber you morons helped to distribute.

You might as well install a Nike factory in the school too and turn the fucking place into a sweat shop -- you can make the kids work off the district's taxes in "sweat equity" thereby releasing the parents of any obligation to your "budgets," you silly fucks.



Yeah, I know. And we're the ones who are crazy. :)

Julio's Note: Here's a video of a lecture by a brilliant education policy maker who describes this idea in more detail




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