Friday, January 30, 2009

The Guest Post From Hell

What in the hell is hell? I'm not a christian or a religious person. However, IF I could define hell, I'd say that it would be having your car break down in rush hour traffic on the freeway.

There are hundreds of people trapped behind you, cars and cars full of angry eyes, they honk their horns, give fingers and yell out their windows as they go around you.

The predicament makes you so frazzled you stop thinking straight and make a hasty decision to walk to a pay phone because your cell phone is dead. Along the way to look for a pay phone an SUV full of teenagers (who are obviously driving mommy's car) chuck a milkshake on you and proceed to laugh, and speed off, splashing you with a huge puddle of water beside the road.

By the time you call for help and get back to your car, it's been towed by the police because you essentially "abandoned" the vehicle without so much as leaving a note in the window (oops, won't ever do that again.) So then you end up trying to hitch a ride. Someone finally pulls over after you flash your hairy pasty white leg at them.

You get in the car and you enter the world of "Creepy Guy" who proceeds to hit on you in every way imaginable. After protesting his advances he goes psycho on you, and robs you at screwdriver point (that's when someone holds a screwdriver to your jugular and starts making demands - thank the stars he isn't demanding teh buttsecks.)

After being robbed and beaten about the head and neck with a screwdriver handle he dumps your half-conscious body near an underpass where a stray dog humps your leg and pees all over your head. This disgusts you, but nevertheless rouses you from your concussion, and you then begin walking to the nearest pay phone to call the police. But you realize you are in Crackville, have only spare change, and waiting for the cops to arrive in such a neighborhood isn't such a good idea any way. So realizing you have some change, you instead look for the nearest bus stop to get the "hell" out of Dodge.

homeless sign While waiting for the bus a homeless guy asks you for some spare change. You tell him you don't have any, but he doesn't believe you. He gets angry and belligerent. He tells you that you are not a good christian, screaming that the apocalypse is near. And then he starts to throw feces on you. You run out into the street to escape the mad man and a bus nails you head on sending you airborne.

You land on a speeding car that veers out of control when the driver freaks out, and go crashing through the front window of a 7-11 breaking a gas main. The accident causes an explosion that nearly incinerates everything within 1,000 feet of it's epicenter.

You then wake up in the hospital (since you aren't dead yet) with 3rd degree burns over 95% of your body. In fact most of your flesh is gone and they have plans to do multiple skin grafts from the skin on your ass (the only place untouched by the explosion.) Months and months into the procedure, a nurse one afternoon forgets to keep your life support plugged-in and you slowly slip into a coma.

You wake years later and don't remember anything. Everyone you knew gave up hope that you'd ever "return", and they are no longer a part of your life to help refresh your memory or hold your hand through this difficult time. An inexperienced by-the-book representative from a collections agency shows up upon hearing of your recovery and since the insurance ran out a few years ago, he/she orders that you pay the sum of $12 million dollars for your hospital stay or you're out on the street.

That's hell.

Of course hell could also be allowing a guy like me to guest post on your blog.

Visit to find out what kind of hell is in store for you!

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Rejected Campaign Parafanelia of the Barack Obama '08 Campaign

The reason for this article is to promote Barack Obama '08 Campaign Parafanalia that didn't make the cut. Recently discovered after legions of unemployed ex-volunteers began trying to sell all their Obama crap in order to put food on their families, these failed Obama memorabelia will be cherished for a people who go to . The following is the first of several FAILED Obama-Merchandise:

Yes, I made this. I know it's friggin' awesome. Your WELCOME, internet!!!


Promotional Materials: 

FREE introductions to Obama-themed blog entries! 100% Satisfaction guaranteed*

Sample 1: 
The election is over. The dust has settled. Barack Obama has been finally inaugurated and is now President of the United States. Good-bye Bush; we'll certainly miss the leader of the "free world" simultaneously being the leader of "People who want to strangle the English language, then bludgeon its dead corpse with a rusty chainsaw!." But enough about Bush, this article is about Barack Obama, AKA "Black Jesus", AKA "Best Friend of Terrorists", AKA "Karl ObaMarx"...the list of increasingly ridiculous nicknames is almost endless. At any rate, no matter what you think of the man politically, one has to admit that he did a brilliant job on the campaign trail. And thus we finally discover the topic of this article (insert article here). 

Sample 2:
Becoming the first black President of the United States of America, land of the free (unless you're black and living prior to 1864), home of the brave (i.e. brave slaveholding Americans). Sure, America has come a long way from the times of slavery. We have gone from using violence to force blacks to develop our agriculture; to using violence to force blacks to have their own restaurants and bathrooms; to forgetting that we used violence to force blacks to do various things and instead blame their crime and poverty rates on ignorance and "free will." I would try to explain the complicated research which proves the widely held (by non-idiots) theory of how the intergenerational income gap between whites and blacks leads to increased likelyhood of poor socioeconomic conditions which then lead to problems such as crime, poverty (duh!) and becoming President. However, I realize that you are incapable of abstract thought beyond one or two logical steps; therefore, I will provide you with an adequate substitute:  

1. Black = Slaves. Slaves = no moneys. Therefore, Black = no moneys.
2. White = NOT Slaves. Not slaves = moneys. Therefore, White = moneys.

(insert article here)

*If you are not completely satisfied, please visit THIS WEBSITE to post your complaint.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Just 24-hours after President Obama's Inauguration, 16 homes were put up for sale

     Washington D.C. --- Whilst President Barack Obama is enjoying his first days in the White House, nearby home prices fell by as much as 50 percent. "There goes the neighborh..." said one resident, who stopped mid-sentence when he realized I was holding a microphone. "My best friend is black," said the elderly white gentleman who failed to identify himself. He then abruptly locked himself in his 3456 Pennsylvania Ave. estate while singing the National Anthem (of Canada, for some reason) and using a "White Power" bracelet to conceal his Swastika tattoo. "It's a temporary tattoo...I found it in a box of Cracker-Jacks," he later admitted after I threatened to call fellow black reporter Todd "BLACK-LIGHTNING" Tolken to the scene. 

   A "Cracker-Jacks" Spokesman known only as "Leeroy" claims that the tattoo did not come from "Cracker-Jacks." Instead, it belongs to its father company "N****r-Jacks," which had first opened during the late 1950's. "It was a different time," said Leeroy, "Being openly racist was the cool thing to do. Then, after that darn Civil Rights movement, we were all forced to be racist in the privacy of our own homes, community centers, discriminatory hiring practices, inflated interest rates, college admittance and, of course, Klan meetings. The nerve. What the heck happened to this country?"

As it turns out, racism is a "bad" thing and should not be tolerated. Nor should it be given access to public media,such as this website, to spread their message of hate. Afterwards, I conducted a 30-minute interview with several racist homebuyers and property-value appraisors that was broadcasted, live, throughout the entire country...I'm fired,aren't I? In that case, I am not obligated to finish this story, though I am obligated to say that I am a registered sex offender and cannot not reside within 600 feet of a school, playground or PTA meeting.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

NPH: National Project Julio

NPH, or National Project Julio, is a NPR sponsored/ripped-off website designed to gain media attention by clearly violating copyright laws and, in the process, replacing the tired old "blog" format with something a bit more palatable, i.e., the NPR website. Blog pages display entire articles and do now allow the author to manage content in a very appetizing manner. In a way, websites are the internet's "filet minot," and blogs are the internet's "wet cardboard box filled with the parts of food that people normally do not eat either because they are inedible or considered 'carcinogenic' by the FDA due to high levels of heavy metal (e.g. Metallica; AC/DC) and unprocessed human waste (e.g. Denny's)."

Above: the blogosphere OR the "Denny's" in Burmingham, Alabama.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Cannibalism part II: Why Cannibalistic Serial-Murderers Are Waaay Better Than Non-Cannibalistic Serial-Murderers...

I know the title might be a bit much, but I am kind-of distracted. You see, my young son is currently asking me about why the "airplane" I gave him for Christmas looks an awful-lot like a cardboard box with the word "airplane" written on it. If I were the Jeffrey Dahmer type, I would probably eat him for interrupting my blog entry. However, being a law-abiding American citizen, I have decided instead to simply ignore him so that when he becomes an adult, he can use the trauma of his neglect to become a prominent lawyer...and then defend me in court for 7 felony counts of cannibalism. At least that's what I read in some parenting book some homeless guy sold me for 3 bucks.

He 'said' he was a doctor, but I still have my doubts

Anyway, we all know that Serial-Murderers are the most frightening of murderers because those of us without much money (like, say, 98% of the U.S. population) are often the targets of their brutal assaults, midnight blood orgies and, of course, delicious cullinary masterpieces. If we were rich, like, say...the remaining 300,000 or so assholes who keep their immense riches only for themselves and therefore actually DESERVE to be eaten, then you're more likely to be kidnapped by Arab terrorists and beheaded because your family doesn't "negotiate" with terrorists (nor do they give 3-shits about you, jackass) than eaten. You see, serial-killers are the poor-man's Arab terrorists who hold you hostage for a ransom, which, like most things reserved for the poor, sucks WAAAY MORE than what rich people get.

I should have known Chicken McNuggets didn't come "Pre-Chewed"!!!

So we've covered Serial-Murderers...what about Cannibalistic Serial-Murderers? You might think that Jeffrey Dahmer is the most evil of serial-killers because he also ate his victims. No so. Although he did eat his victims, he is the most evil of serial-killers because he sexually abused and tortured young boys. Eating them was actually the most sane thing he did. I find it difficult to defend cannibalisitic serial-murderers, not because they are cannibalistic, but mostly the whole "murder" part. Assuming that all of Dahmer's victims had in fact died of natural causes, would we still consider him a monster because he just so happened to eat 15 people? Just think about it (if you dare). Why waste a perfectly good 150 or so pounds of meat just because it happens to be part of the human body? For more of an intellectual discussion on the morals of cannibalism, here's a clip from the 1993 movie "Alive".

Skip to about 8:00 for awesome cannibalistic action!

The reason cannibalistic serial-murderers are better than regular, non-cannibalistic serial-murderers has nothing to do with the "serial-murder" part of it but rather with the "cannibalistic" part of it. Here's a "Logical Argument" to help you understand: 

1. If cannibalism is good and murder is bad then Jeffrey Dahmer is a good thing and a bad thing. 
2. Cannibalism is good and murder is bad
3. Jeffrey Dahmer is a good thing and a bad thing

The assumption here, however, is that cannibalism is a "good thing." My job is not only to entertain you with sex jokes and cuss-words, but also to convince you of the positives of cannibalism. If, however, logical analysis is too complicated for you to understand (i.e. you're a dumbass), here's proof you can understand.

Help from

It is simply a matter of resources. The average dead body weighs roughly 150 lbs. That's bone, muscle and fat mostly, half of which are edible (mmm, bone marrow). Aside from the obvious benefits of eating the corpse (which were described in my previous article), there are also serveral uses for the inedible portions of the human body, very much like those of our animal counterparts. For instance, they can be used for music. Weaponary. Art. They are even "collected" and used for either scientific purposes or for weirding everyone the fuck out in your neighborhood. According to "the Bone Room," " is perfectly legal to posses and sell human bones in the United States." Science has infinite uses for human remains, from curing cancer to making your penis bigger. Either way, woudln't you rather your corpse be used to make a scientific breakthrough than to be eaten by worms, fungi and bacteria? I didn't think so...

You can't spell "FUNERAL" without "FUN"!!!

(view my original post at

Look, before you say anything, I know exactly what you're thinking: "I'm using the internet and am NOT currently looking at porn." I can sympathise with that, although this is completely unrelated to today's entry and will therefore will be replaced with an "intellectual conversation" (defined as one which consists of at least a 6th-grade reading level) about cannibalism. And maybe porn...okay, the entire article is about porn.

Warning - Porn Pictures, Images and Photos
Above: summation of this entire article

Okay, I lied. Actually, the article IS about cannibalism, but not in the way you would expect. Murdering someone and eating their remains is about one of the worse things one human being can do to another human being. Fortunately, there is nothing in the definition of "cannibal" that involves "killing someone". That attribute is reserved for murderers. And Dick Cheney.

This is his idea of "self-help"

Cannibalism simply involves the consumption of human flesh. Sorry all you stalkers out there, but eating the hair you found on a comb in Linsey Lohan's dumpster does not make you a cannibal (hair isn't flesh moron), although it does mean that you and I have at least one thing in common (call me!). But seriously you guys, just think about it for a moment. Aren't funerals such a WASTE? A Funeral is the only thing that costs more than $5,000 that NOBODY has a good time during. Not even your alcoholic, gay uncle Frederick and his Asian sex-slave/accountant Fred have a good time, and to him, EVERY-FUCKING-DAY is a party!

sex slave Pictures, Images and Photos
In today's financial market, sex-slave is the #1 job-choice for accountants!

As far as the costs are concerned, there's the casket to think about; the mortician to "beautify" the body; the food to feed the guests...does anyone see where I'm going with this? If so, then you're one sick bastard (call me!). You can replace the casket with a silver platter, the mortician with a chef and the food guessed it, the dead guy, because let's be honest, he's been given a free ride for FAAAR too long. It's about time he pulls his own (albiet dead) weight. The body of the deceased, instead of rotting in the ground waiting to be sodomized by crack-addicted necropheliacs, would instead be sodomized by crack-addicted necropheliacs after FIRST being eaten by your grieving yet thankful (for all the money you saved them) family.

Either the Japanese are completely insane, or they do the weirdest shit just to
fuck with us.

Now, before you call your local Congressman to prevent such a trend from spreading, don't you worry. I only operate my business in the U.S. Minor Outlying Islands, which I fucking DARE you to point to on a map. For Christ's sake, you can't even point to your OWN country on a map. Not even a U.S. map that has written, in all capital letters, "THIS IS A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, DUMASS!"

That's it, I'm moving to Great Britain! Now where's my butt-plug...

Still not convinced of American inferiority? How about THIS:

Want more unbelievably useless and possibly psychologically scarring social commentary? Look below for more details (and quite possibly free pornography)!

Project Julio
Conceived in the womb when I was a mere zygote, Project Julio is now the internet's #1 underground comedy blog in Communist China! Taiwan Rules!
satire, social commentary, politics and political incorrect-itude

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