Sunday, March 13, 2016

CNN's John King Caught In Bed With Interactive Map of Ohio

NEW YORK --- Early Saturday morning, CNN's Dana Bash arrived at her room at a Cleveland Holiday Inn where she found her husband in bed with an interactive map of Ohio. According to Bash, the two were said to be engaged in "BDSM sex acts" inspired by a "50 Shades of Grey" DVD they acquired from a Redbox located in the hotel lobby.

He yelled "You weren't supposed to arrive until Sunday at 2 p.m. EST, 3 p.m. CST!” blubbered Bash, as she wept uncontrollably. “We were going to go to Fiji this summer! Fiji! Do you know how expensive it will be to change those tickets? Like, at least $200, because we chose Southwest, even though I told him Delta doesn't charge a fee for flight changes. But he didn't listen. HE NEVER LISTENS!”

Initial reports have King arriving at the motel in a Taxi around 11 p.m. Wednesday night, as he escorted the interactive map into the lobby. 

“He couldn't keep his hands off it” recounts Cheryl, the Holiday Inn clerk on duty that evening. “He just kept talking about turnout in Hamilton county and pressing the screen. I think the map was uncomfortable.”

“I don't blame the map” said an unnamed hotel patron. “It clearly had too much to drink, and King was taking advantage. I mean, Donald Trump was clearly leading in urban districts. That doesn't happen with a sober digital representation of public polling.”

We asked the patron if he could remember any of the conversation, and he remembered hearing King saying “I want to see that African-American demographic again. Just one more time baby.”

King has been unavailable for comment.

Written by: Justin Buelle
Edited by: Julio Jorge

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Chinese Toy Company's "Easy-Bake Meth Lab!" Fuels Debate Over the Commercialization of China's New Economy

Nanjing, CHINA - While this may appear to be something right out of "the Onion," the "Easy-Bake Meth Lab" is a stark reality in the Chinese city of Nanjing. Thanks to Chinese-based Toy company "Nan-Tech," adults and even children can walk into any local mall and walk out with all the tools necessary to manufacture Crystal Meth. My source in China, who informed me of this unusual "toy" has provided me with the following translation:

"Hey kids, do you take medicine for your ADHD? Then you're in luck! With "easy bake Meth" you can bake your own Crystal Meth right in your own home using nothing more than regular, household chemicals and 2 AA batteries! *Adderall, Batteries sold seperately

Crystal Meth: China's New Opium

The use of "Crystal Methamphetamine," commonly referred to as just "Crystal Meth" has spiked in recent years ever since China approved the use of generic "Adderall" for the treatment of ADHD for school-aged children. Much to the dismay of government officials, may parents, cash strapped due to the stagnant wages and the rising cost of living, have been selling their children's medication to crystal meth manufacturers.

Processed crystal meth is sold on the street for about 1,000 times more than what Adderall fetches on the black market, which is why many parents have been experimenting with their own small-scale crystal meth manufacturing. Using regular household chemicals and a AA battery, even someone with no formal education can double, even triple their income by manufacturing and then selling crystal meth using their own child's medicine. What's worse is that some parents have been enlisting the children themselves into the very dangerous manufacturing process,

As much as we like to complain about dubious business practices here in the United States, at least corporations aren't enlisting our children into the drug least not yet:

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