Monday, July 20, 2009

"Hobo Chic" and "Accidental Sexiness"

And now

another asinine guest post by Static

needs more shatner "Must... Self administer... Defibrillator... & Buy Fax machine... Or time machine... '07 model... Get me some hot Hobo Chick action..."

- William Shatner, famous hobo

What is "Hobo Chic" and how does it become "Accidental Sexiness"?

Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of "Hobo Chic". Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.

hobo chicks
Is it "Hobo Chic?"

boho chic?
Is it "Boho Chic?"

heroin chic?
Or is it "Heroin Chic?"

When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo...a bag lady.

The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.

I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I've had a stack of newspapers that I'm still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.

The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.

According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It's okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.

But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn't all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.

Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila...a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.

"How do they do that?" they asked, "I have to have the look!"

Similar clothing was often taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.

Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the "Hobo Chic" look.

hobo chic terminator stylee
Hobo chic: Terminator-stylee

Cruising' for hobo chicks
Cruising' for hobo chicks

So how does "Hobo Chic" become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren't)?

Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.

not so hot bag lady

Becomes this:
hot belly dancer

And this:
not so hot hobo grandma

Becomes this:
not so hot exotic dancer

And this:
hot for a hobo chick

Becomes this:
for a hobo it's instant love

For a hobo, it's love at first sight.

Hoboken, NJ As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.

Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.

These women will confess that it's easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!

After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.

They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.

Since nothing short of death seem to repel men's advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.

And this of course is how the HoBlogger is born.


The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too. NSFW.

*Julio's Note* ...and if you haven't figured out by now what "it" ~Static~ is talking about, allow me to clarify:


You can find more about Hobo sluts and Static by squatting at:

Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor
the Land of Arse
It's All Krap All The Time
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit and request a signature like this!


Julio said...

OMFG!! wildly roflicious!!! I rate this: ROFL(rolling on floor laughing) & RBWL (rolling blunt while laughing) & LWI (laughing while intoxicated) & DWL (driving whilst laughing) & LOL + 8 (laughing out loud while watching John and Kate + 8) & LWMTHP (laughing while masturbation g to holocaust porn)!!!!!

~Static~ said...


Julio said...

I did not find this article to, as you preemptively stated, "show a lack of intelligence or thought; stupid or silly" (source: wordweb). Now that I know what asinine means, however, I have to rethink the title of my blog...perhaps "Project Asinine?" At any rate, unlike my usual posts, this one was both entertaining AND educational! Usually mine are neither, NOR do they contain William, heh as "Shat" in his name...I need to stop smoking weed. On weekdays, anyway.

~Static~ said...

Project Asinine might be a better nickname for those people who are so ignorant they actually take this blog seriously.

Anonymous said...

You are the worst fashions critic evar! If you actiually read an article on Hobo chic you would know it is the best fashion in the world. Celebrity fans of the look should be handled with care. They know whats hot and you don't.

~Static~ said...

@ Anonymous - Once again "Anonymouse" you rear your ugly head. Could you kindly place it back up your ass where it belongs, please? kthxbai!

Anonymous said...

You obviously aren't a hobo. If you were, you'd know that we hobos spend countless hours sifting through garbage looking for the perfect fashion. Why do you think we don't have jobs? Laziness? Mental illness? We don't have jobs b/c we arefull-time dUmpster divers! It takes 12 hrs a day to acquire the downtrodden look that ou ignorantly call 'hobo chic.' the technical term among us hobos is 'hobo freedom chic' because we don't speak goddamned French! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bushel of Appel to pee on...

~Static~ said...

@ Anonymous (Julio) - Ha ha lols! ZZomigod! You are so transparent I can see it's you hiding behind that dumpster.

I see you trying to peeing on that bushel of Appel, but getting it all over your leg while you are HoBlogging this on a broken handheld pda you fished out of someone's garbage yesterday.

You aren't a true hobo either. You're simply a homeless poser, like myself..tired of paying rent and being "responsible" (the dreaded 'R' word).

We just wanna party all the time, get drunk, get stoned, have no bills to pay.

A tune in-turn on-drop out philosophical belief system that ends up failing us just as if we had we had tried to make something of ourselves at the ooposite end of the spectrum according to mainstream society's substandard systemic beliefs and values.

Skepticism? Pessimism? Nihilistic? Fatalistic? OR something else? You decide.

anonymous said...

Oh lawdy lawdy lawdy
YOU is SO NASTY! I can't believes they lets peoples likes yous loose in the world!! My eyes feel so violated by your words!!! Sick sick sick Don't resist Sick sick sick Don't resist

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