By King's Decree: Amateur Comedian Bloggers UNITE!

Conclusion:

...So, I propose that all you non-cracked.com/video/picture bloggers out there who have something at the very least mildly amusing to say, I hereby extend my hideiously deformed hand (which also was horribly burned in a fire and embedded with glass in a near-fatal car accident) and ask of you your friendship...as well as partnership in an alliance the world has NEVER SEEN!!! I intend to unite comedy bloggers such as yourselves under one flag; to create a democratic nation of bloggers whose sole purpose is to produce quality comedy in the face of mindless photoshopped images of cats and dick jokes. Here are but a few members of this new project, a project I hereby refer to as "HUMOR-BLOG.COM'!!!...darnit, that's already a website I just found out about after I wrote this article. I guess "PROJECT JULIO!" will do for now...:

www.Krapsody.com: web-blog created by a magical African American who goes only by the pseudonym "Static." It is about, well, topics of a politically incorrect nature (such as Russian prostitutes and the illegal trade of Yak's milk) which oddly enough do not involve (as far as we know) magical African Americans such as Shak, Michael Jordan and Bill Clinton.

http://angryclown.blogspot.com/: web-blog created by the spawn of Satan, Damian. Unfortunatley, Satan isn't exactly a one-woman outcast angel of death. Suffice to say, being the "son of Satan" is similar to having "at least one homoerotic experience" or "having unprotected sex with an underaged asian hooker named "Charleen...san." Having his father's temper and his mother's desire to have sex with Satan, Damian makes angry tyrades about important issues such as "cellular phone kiosks that you see in the mall," and "that guy at work who you plan to rob next week after he gets off of work because he's such a total DICKFACE I HOPE HE DIES!!!!!" Like I said, he's a bit angry... 

30 MINUTES AGO...before I came up with this awesome conclusion about creating a coalition of comedy bloggers in order to combat the evil "LoLcats" and "Hey, look at thsi video of some guy getting whacked in the balls!"

My worst enemy...en Espanol.

Introductory paragraph thing where I "introduce" you to a potentially offensive, racist tyrade: 

The internet is a big BIG world, or, as some (e.g. Sen. Ted Stevens; no one else) would say, "a series of tubes!!!," consisting of millions of people who are only a click away. Granted, most of these people are under the age of 18, and half of the other half that is over 18 consists of closet-homosexual internet gamers who live in the basement of their parent's garage (which is also itself a basement) and pretend to be women in order to entrap heterosexual virgins (on sites such as match.com; eharmony.com; heterovirgin.com) who are so desperate for sex that they may be willing to forego their sexuality for one anonymous night with an overweight man who promises to be gentle but never calls even though he said he would and DAMN YOU ROBBY YOU BROKE MY HEART AND STOLE MY ANAL VIRGINITY!!!...but I digress.

Oh, so THAT'S how old people think the internet works. No wonder I have to constantly tell my 

grandfather why a 12 lb. pipe-wrench is NOT required to open internet explorer...

So, being that "the internets" is such a huge place, can someone explain to me why there are SO MANY comedy blogs and websites yet so FEW of these blogs make it to the top of the Digg.com list without involving a video or cartoon of some sort. Is there something about complex sentence structure and figures of speech that are too painful to process mentally and therefore requires a 4-square cartoon or 30 second you-tube video to summarize without using such frontal-lobe related formats? 

Internet humor in the year 2050

If that isn't enough of a pain in the ass for all you Liberal Arts majors with an internets connection, here's another: there seems to be a monopoly stranglehold on written comedy on the web. The only "written comedy" website I can find on Digg is from www.cracked.com . That's it. I went through the past YEAR of Digg articles and guess who's always on top: silly pictures of cats (lolcat), videos which find it necessary to expain that Barack Obama is black (really? I thought he was Asian!) and articles from Cracked.com. 

Oh, I get it now! ROF to the L (shoot me now)!!!

Happily controlling 3rd place as the internet's comedy medium, cracked.com proudly publishes on topics such as "boobs"; "comics, toys and cartoons (that we grew up with which necessarily means that it is funny)"; and of course, penises. Go ahead and type in any of those there words/phrases and you pretty much will find every article on there. You see, when you force your webpage into a "list" format, you pretty much have to make at least one bullet point about either of those three things or else you'll lose your audience. They say explicitly on their forums that "We do not do satire, parody, character pieces or stories," or other complex forms of written expression. Only lists. And only about things that will either kill you, destroy the world and involve sex, violence or a cool picture that doesn't require photoshopping. No, I'm serious. There are entire articles about pictures and how these pictures were not photoshopped. Simply amazing/brilliant/lolcats!!! (that's called sarcasm, btw, a simplified of irony which involves using a que to imply the opposite of what was said. Bastards)!

You see, they really didn't REMOVE THE BABY'S HEAD...they are just taking the photo

at an angle...HAHA/ROFLCOPTER/NIEL DIAMOND!!!

Conclusion: (wait...didn't I do this part already in a sort-of "here is the ending now let us see the process of how we got here, ooooooh I get it now?" How about a video of Ted Stevens yelling "NO!" at our democratic political system?!)

Heath Ledger dies...but not before he banged the Olsen Twins while snorting cocaine. Awesome.

Luckily for Mr. Ledger, most children aren't smart enough to make "ledger" jokes.
Luckily for me, I have dictionary.com

Heath Ledger (who was born with a name which involves the ill-conceived combination of a chocolate toffee bar and a book used to record transactions) is dead. I hereby express my sympathy to all you hugely gay-men who got hugely gay-boners while watching him makeout with Jake Gyllenhaal in "Brokeback Mountain" while sitting next to your, at the time, EXTREMELY uncomfortable straight friend (whom you obviously have a crush on) who decided to see it with you as a joke, and began to immediately regret that decision during the intense and painfully passionate scenes of anal gay-sex during which, by the way, you were obviously sporting both a huge boner AS WELL AS a facial expression which expressed intrigue, suspense and extremely homoerotic fantasies involving your straight friend who has been in the bathroom for, like, 30 minutes, probably because of that period of 15 minutes (immediately after the first sex scene) where you stared at him while breathing heavily and rubbing his very tight-fisted and reluctant hand against your crotch...

Wow. Not only was that the longest structurally valid sentence in recorded history, but also probably the gayest (even moreso than "OMG, I want gay sex...NOW IN 3-D!!!"). But I digress.

For some unknown reason, all of the 3-D glasses in the movie 

theater are stuck together...

What you really came here for was the news that HEATH LEDGER FUCKED THE OLSEN TWINS (yes, really, we're not making this up) WHILE SNORTING COCAINE. While all of you may be a bit ambivalent about having sex with twin sisters whom you've basically known since childhood (making them both ALMOST family,) as well as the vivid memory you hold of them as 11-year-olds, you also know that, deep within your loins, you not only want to bang them to kingdom cum (pun intended), but if you had thought of it, you would do so while snorting an 8-ball, because, hey, why the fuck not (you're already banging the Olsen twins, so what've you got to lose?!)

Sure, they may not be considered as "attractive" as most of the Hollywood elite (Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie), but god damnit, they sure are YOUNGER (Ms. Berry is the ripe age of 42, and Jolie is 33), and though the Olsens are in their early 20's by now, they sure as fuck don't look it. Admit it guys...you still have a thing for all those 16-year-old girls that you didn't date in high school because they only dated college guys (and also b/c they were waaaay to hot for you, and you were a total loser who brought his Star Wars collectable action figures to school in a special, gold-embroidered glass-case). You poor nerd.

The Prom date I ACTUALLY wanted...but was too nerdy for. *fap fap fap! sobs

Above: My actual prom date. *sobs farts sobs

I'll be the first to say this: 16-year-old girls are fucking hot. In the 1800's, a girl as early as 12 could get married. To her FIRST cousin (I'm looking at YOU, Edgar Allen Poe...and you too Jerry Lee Lewis!)

Here is my point: I am NOT advising anyone to marry their 12 or 13-year-old first cousin. Nor am I suggesting you should stalk 16-year old girls. It's disgusting, not to mention ILLEGAL. But I AM saying that the acceptable age of consent, and therefore beauty, has changed over the course of human existence. It is completely natural to be attracted to a 16-year-old who has a fully developed body and who is already sexually active (citation needed/awesome). At 16, their bodies are at peak child-bearing age, which means that they pretty much have perfect bodies without even having to try...though there is much less scientific evidence (i.e. NONE ) to justify pre/post-marital sex with the following:

This was "HOT" by 1842 standards. In the year 282 B.C., a 
fertilized egg was the subject of many an erotic cave painting.

Editor's note: I am starting to sound like (and currently AM) a total pervert with no formal education in history, and will therefore rethink how to focus this article AWAY from 16-year-old girls (and history), though I am not sure if I know how...speaking of which...

Google.com: enter search: 16-year-old girls: 1,000,000 + infinity results found (20 minutes later) "Look officer, her website SAID she was 18..." <--- Not directly related to personal experience...it was for a friend who was...doing...research on the subject.

Oh Pedro, didn't Napoleon teach you better than that? Your

political career is ruined...

Want MORE hilarious pedophile traps? "To Catch a Predator" has to be the most HILARIOUS thing ever invented other than the Mad TV spoof. Plus, the decoy is friggin' hot...at least that's what I said during my closing statement at the trial. I also proposed marriage to Chris Hansen.

If you don't like America...

I am at work today, so today's blog will be short, simple, to the point and entirely ripped-off from a South Park episode. Enjoy:

Jesus (with a little help from our friends, the Dinosaurs) Continues to Bring People Together...literally. He uses glue. That's his secret. Glue.

"...and a little more here, a tad there aaaand I'm done. Let this be a reminder 

to all of you whom...make and sell t-shirts of my name in vain...without 

first consulting my lawyer. He can be reached at 555-..."

As you should already be aware (I'm looking at YOU people whom I've guilted into visiting my blog. Read past the first blog entry contained in the link, will ya! Don't make me write an article about YOU...ooh, good idea, I had better write that one down...), I have recently posted a blog entitled "Jesus, Dinosaurs and YOU!," in which I parody the literal interpretation of the bible associated with those involved in the creation (no pun intended) of the Creationist Museum (located in Kentucky...surprise!? e.g. Kentucky Law #1:Dogs may not molest cars.) or what I like to call, the most entertaining thing EVER to come out of religion (more on this later). Anyway, the article concerned an aspiring pastor who is holding a fundraiser to put himself through Seminary school (insert_semen_joke_here), and how he offered to backlink anyone who posted a blog "discussing" this. Being the husband of a Christian, I have had much practice in the satire of religion, and it was time compile my ideas which were hidden inside a stack of empty bill envelopes (i.e. I threw the bills out and instead filled the envolopes with useless crap). Much to my surprise, the aspiring pastor (though I am still not sure exactly what a pastor does except for turning dinosaurs into glue) actually read the article and even followed through with the promised backlink! This affirms the following two things:

1. Not all religious people lack a sense of humor and 2. To those that DO lack a sense of humor, I  would not advise reading the rest of the article. In fact, I would not advise reading the ABOVE part of this article...in fact, even reading this very SENTENCE is not recommended, as side effects include: nasal sodomy; ingrown eyeballs; unexplained testicular grown; urge to purchase the entire box set of "House."

Now that I've mentioned his fundraiser, AGAIN, shouldn't I logically be entitled to TWO backlinks? Or maybe one backlink that's like, twice the size of the other ones?! Or four backlinks that are HALF the size of the rest...ah well, I'll leave that decision between you and your maker (i.e. your mom and who you generally assume to be your dad). Anyway, I shall now continue my tirade against fundamentalist Christians who read the bible literally by conducting a further tirade against them as well as a tirade against pretty much every religion ever --- And yes, I'm including every religious belief, from Greek mythology (e.g. Zeus and the mountain where all the gods engage in incestual/homosexual sex and every dude seemed to give birth to extremely hot goddesses...and then have sex with them immediately thereafter) to Christiani--- (oh, we covered that one already...), to Hinduism (yes, fecal fetishes, 1,000 + sexual positions, etc.), and even Egyptian mythology (you know, mummification, burying yourself with not only all your possessions but also your living servants...[p4]). You know, all the "CRAZY" religions...

Its perfectly logical, you see. Jesus was homeless, so it only makes sense 

for Santa to be homeless too! "Hobo Santa, I want a new bicycl---I mean, 

uhm, some soup. Yea, I'd like some soup...damnit, here's 20 bucks. And 

don't tell your friends the freeloading elves or that thieving reindeer 

with the glowing nose."

If only Santa had four arms...but I digress. You see, there is a reason why SOME sects of Christianity (mostly ones which read it literally) are infinitely bizzare and insane, and therefore hilarious. Here are just a few of them, just in time for the holidays:

I. Christmas

  This day is recognized as the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ (and to show that Christians aren't just a bunch of depressed emo sissies, they celebrate his death too! Any time is a good time for a party, I guess...even BRUTAL TORTURE! Hoooraay for torture!!!). You see, he was born to a virgin mother, and if that sounds contradictory, that's because it is. Opponents might say that she was impregnated by God himself (the literal interpretation) yet, the logical conclusion from that involves God participating in hot, young virgin action with (if I read the book correctly) his own mother, Mary (if Jesus is God...and God is God..and the Holy Spirit is...uhm...Patrick Swayze?). 

Editor's note: It seems that this blog is getting a little long, so instead I shall continue it next time with: Why (some) Christians are completely insane, Part I(1) I/II(and 1/2) and so on and so forth until a complete volume has been amassed, but that surely will not be the end of it. So...until next time!

Yo "Gabba Gabba," or, Yo "What the flying fuck is this?!?!" or, Yo "100 ways to traumatize your children in 30 minutes or less!"

Did a giant green monster just MURDER those vegetables?!?! I title this clip: "How to make 

even the simplest tasks, such as eating, psychologically scarring for your child...part I" or

"Mommy, I cannot eat those carrots...I refuse to become a murderer like you!!!"

In the above video containing a scene from the new Nick Jr. program entitled "Yo Gabba Gabba." In a mere 2 minutes, the program manages to fuck up your child's brain in the following ways:

1. Educate children as to the gentle, friendly nature of talking plants...and how you murder them everyday during lunch

2. Show sentient creatures being eaten alive and then slowly digested

3. Promote the use of Psychedelics through the reenactment of an hallucinogenic episode

4. Personify vegetables in order to create an army of carnivorous kindergardeners that will destroy the vegan culture, because hey, at least cows don't fucking talk.

If that isn't enough, how about stereotyping black people as being the only source of rhythm, obese, and being capable of only the simplest modes of communication. Either this fat black dude is playing the part of a mentally challenged person, or this mentally challenged person is playing the part of a fat black dude...I will simply provide you with the evidence. It is up to you to make the conclusion:

Or MAYBE it is that he thinks the audience is mentally challenged...or deaf...

or in the hospital.

No, this is NOT a sketch from Mad TV. Further proof in favor of this actor being:

deaf; mentally challenged; token black guy; all of the above

conclusion

Why the words "Fox" and "News" should never be allowed in the same utterance. Also, why everyone in this video is going to hell...

Speed up to 4:50 to hear the most POLITICALLY INCORRECT sentence 

in the history of the English language! Also, 3:26 is kinda AWESOME.

What is that sentence, you ask? In referring to the world's first "Pregnant Man" (who happens to be transgendered, so is biologically a woman with ovaries and cooties), the questionably heterosexual commentator (named Bill Schultz, and as one commentator comments, "Bill has a beard and that doesn't make him straight") )contends that, because this woman has grown facial hair and worked out in a gym, her child, by some unknown reason (probably due to some pact with Satan), will be seriously and irreversibly deformed. I, however, cannot give his statement justice, so here it is if you were too lazy to watch the video: "This little Ewok that she's going to crapout might even have a third eye." 

Now, I know that the transgendered man/woman still has the female sexual organs required to give birth...so I am not really sure why or how he would assume that this birth is somehow going to be delivered anally. I suppose his knowledge of the situation came through text message, so his totaleducation on the situation consisted of, "Pregnant Man. Abomination. Why are gay people trying to be like us...lets ridicule them until they commmit suicide." Speaking of suicide...the female commentator, who apparently decided early on not to be outdone by a gay man in the department of insulting people who are different than you, mentions that, during pregnancy, the first 6 months aren't all that bad...but, rather, "It's months 7, 8 and 9 that you want to KILL YOURSELF...and I HOPE THAT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS."

Yes, these two commentators were hired, as if I had to tell you, by the folks who brought you "Bill O'Rielly decides to "FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE (see below video),"" Fox News! That's right, Fox News: We can say whatever the fuck kind of crazy shit we want and still legally call it "news"

Here he is, the master of the Universe, Bill O'Rielley, having a temper tantrum because

the world does not, as he often assumes, revolve around his arrogant, inflamed asshole.

Also, Fast forward to about 1:00 and you will realize that his mother and father must have

NEVER HUGGED HIM...EVER. Not even once. In fact, they would reach foward to hug him...

and then beat him with Rainbow-colored, Democratic and Athiest magazines (respectively)!!!

Dinosaurs, Jesus and YOU!!!

Oh...so THAT'S what happened. Oh Natural Selection, how foolish do you

feel NOW?!?!

Okay, so here's the scoop:

There's this guy who wants to attend Seminary school to become a "pastor," so he started an online funraiser. Given the context, as well as my lack of knowledge on religious matters, I will henceforth assume that "Seminary school" involves, at some point, the study of male reproductive fluids, and "pastor" referrs to some sort of combination betwen an adhesive paste (hence the root "past") and canivorous dinosaurs ("Volosaraptor" supply the "or") ...PLUS something to do with the Christian religion. Logically, the outcome looks something like this:

Now I understand why Christians called their God an "Awesome God."

Anyone who lives amongst the dinosaurs is NOT to be messed with!

Now, I understand that, thusfar, this blog entry must not only be offensive to the proespective dinosaur-glue producer, but to every single individual who regularly reads his blog. In fact, the chances that he will comply with his promise to "backlink" me on his site are next to none. However, I just googled the "Bible," and a bunch of sites came up talking about "honesty" and "keeping a promise," and "Shellfish is an abomination!" Since this is not pornography, but rather, a satirical spin on the extremes that exist within our society, I have faith that this future pastor will backlink my blog, no matter how painful it may be to read for anyone who accesses my blog from said link. In closing, here are a few important statistics:

-Chances of this guy actually reading this far into the blog: 3%

-Chances of anyone who comes here through the backlink will, after vomiting and experiencing EXTREME diarrhea, recommend the site, let alone re-visit it: 0.05%

-Chances that the wrath of God will fall upon me for my general disdain and lack of understanding of religion: 100% for Catholics, 0% for Athiests and [some percentage between 0 and 100...and stop asking me, will ya? Seriously, leave me alone or I will call the Police] for Agnostics.

Speaking of Euthanasia...Pope John Paul II --- EUTHANISED?!?!

Here's some extra dough for your troubles...and make it quick, will ya...

Aah, forgedaboudit!!!!

You'd have to see it to believe it. That damned "liberal media" has tried to supress this article from the well-known Conservative magazine "Time" which purports an argument, supported by evidence (how dare they!), that Pope John Paul II did not die of natural causes. Rather, the article claims, Paul II was part of an assisted suicide (or as the Italian medical professor interviewed in the article calls it, "Euthanized") where he is reported to have refused a feeding tube, a request which his doctors dutifully complied. Basically, if Terry Shiavo's brain was more than just a bowl of goop surrounding a brain stem, and she could do basic human activities such as speak, recognize family members and have power of attorney over herself (because she would be mentally capable of self-representation in court)...well, if this new, not-brain-dead Shiavo were in the Vatican during the whole 2005 fiasco, they would have killed her anyway. Don't you love contradictions? I sure do, especially when they pertain to the method of the contradictor's demise, such as when someone like Pope John Paul II condems euthanasia and assisted suicide as being equivalent to genocide...and then, on his death bed, asks his own doctors for euthanasia and assisted suicide.

You liberal bastards! How dare you defane our next President by showing us

his actual facial imperfections! For shame, Time magazine, FOR SHAME!!!!

*shakes fist*

Should Handicapped People Be Euthanised? This old man says "Yes!"

The original idea was to put "NOT Blind" signs on all the normal people, but

this way just seemed more practical...

Perhaps I should give some context to this situation. I take it all back, you know, all that I said before. Old people will not be the death of us all; rather, they will continue to aid us in seeing the lighter side of life. They're forgetful. They're ignorant. Their understanding of medicine (or lack thereof) would certainly approve of blood letting; as for science, they continue to refer to the spherical nature of the Earth as just a "theory." Their religious views involve a daily fear of witches and being inhabited by the ghost of Patrick Swayze. They refer to Barck Obama as a talented, well-spoken "freed black man." But all that aside, by far the most important characteristic of old people is this: They are the most politically incorrect human beings on the face of the Earth. Remember, I am including pirates, criminals, pimps, President Bush and rednecks. Old people, with the exception of the highly educated (and even then you still find remnants of insensitive greatness), across the board, are politically incorrect to the extent that will make you feel part of a Twilight Zone episode involving traveling back in time (i.e. Every episode ever of the Twilight Zone).

Now you are closer to understanding the title of today's blog. You see, my grandfather is old school, and by "old school," I mean the actual the racist "old schools" of the South (you know, the SEGREGATED ones). Anyway, my grandfather has a very open mind and doesn't hate people ONLY because of their color. Physical handicaps, for example, are always open for ridicule. Hence the phrase, "I'd rather kill myself than be blind," suddenly makes a certain amount of sense, although at the same time our perception of the human race becomes slightly more darkened. But don't get me wrong; he didn't just go, "Hi grandson, nice weather today, I'd commit suicide if I had glaucoma." Since glaucoma is a common disease of the elderly, he basically gave us permission to euthanize him as soon as we can legally characterize him as "Mentally Unfit" to make the decision himself. No, instead he began listing the deformities which he could live with, such as being an amputee (not a double amputee, just a single), missing a leg (but not both), and being deaf (though he did not seem particularly committed to living the remainder of his life going "what, say that again...Speak English you dirty Mexican day laborer!!!"). Of course, you can imagine his worst nightmare would be a blind and deaf quadrouple amputee who doesn't speak English.

When kicking a blind man, the first thing to remember is HNH: He's not human!

Soon, it all began to make sense. The idea of relying on other people for survival was the most terrible, disgusting and pathetic thing that he could possibly think of. This "bootstrap" "build your own damned Log Cabin" Republican basically takes social Darwinism to the next logical step: Actual, survival of the physically fittest (sorry, fatass), teenage pregnancy is natural (sorry star quaterback), the football team really is better than you (sorry again, fatass), Darwinism. If you can't survive on you own you're better off dead before your pathetic genes can be passed over. He would even go to the extent of killing himself as soon as he becomes incapable of caring for himself just to prove this point. He'd actually be happy to do it, "It's a service to my country!" he'd probably say before drowning himself in a bathtub that he probably would have urinated in just moments earlier. Anyway, this is getting less funny and more sickeningly morbid, so I had better finish this up with some cleverly Photoshopped images expressing hatred for the disabled. I don't know who's worse, him for saying these things or me for finding them absolutely hilarious...

"FUCK YOU blindy McCripple-ton! You're a pathetic excuse of a humanoid

primate that evolved over millions of years into an 'intelligent' tool-wielding

up-right walking mammal!

Top 5 "Medical Conditions" Too Ridiculous to Be Called "Medical Conditions"

Cancer is a medical condition. AIDS is a medical condition. Watching Fox News is a medical condition. But occasionally having to take a shit more than once a day or having a vagina-like opening on your penis...NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION!!! I would rather call it an "inconvenience" more than anything. Even the "handicapped" don't consider what they have to be a medical condition, and they have to drive special cars and look at people as they walk up stairs with a silent grimmace. If you are lacatose-intolerant, the worst thing that can happen is that you have smelly diarrhea and excess gas. If you're glucose-intolerant (Diabetes, or rather, DiabetISSSS), your fucking leg can fall off. The following is a list of diseases, medical conditions, syndromes or what-have-you that are the medical equivalent of an ingrown toenail.

1. Epispadias, (or Vaginal Penis Disorder)

It is inarguable that the manliest thing about a man is exactly that which makes him a man: his penis. Conversely, what makes a woman feminine is her vagina (and the ability to make .75 cents for every dollar penises bring in). Now imagine waking up one day with a vagina-like opening in your penis. But don't be afraid; according to this random website (because hey, who would make up something this irrelevant), the problem is completely aesthetic, citing the only potential problem being a "lack of [bladder] control due to hypospadias can lead to acute social embarrassment," basically referring to the fact that you have to sit down when you pee due to your unique penis/vagina combination, making you the male equivalent of Rosie O'Donald. However, unlike a Hermaphrodite/Rosie O'Donald, you can't fulfill everyone's fantasy of taking their own virginity, so instead you simply have an emasculating condition which may technically make every woman you sleep with a lesbian. Which is sort-of hot, actually.

2. Irritable Bowell Syndrome (or Shit Yourself Syndrome)

For anyone who has literally had the "shit scarred out of them," this disorder is probably the reason why, although it's more likely that you're just a big pussy (see above disorder). Not to be outdone by other, more famous diseases such as AIDS and Cancer, IBS even has its own month, "IBS Awareness Month," which is April, apparently because it's the only month that had not yet been declared as a "month" by some other hilarious disease (see above disorder). It affects women, mostly, so I can only imagine that the disorder was first diagnosed after the sexual experience behind your sister's nickname "Ass-Pussy." Or, if you're Camille Grammer, wife Kelsey Grammer (from Frasier, Cheers and...uhm...that's about it), it could be simply be being married to Kelsey Grammer.

It's basically the equivalent of Celine Dion marrying Al Franken...which would look something like this:

Others include:

3. Lactose Intolerance (it even has its own Website: http://www.lactose.com.au/)

I'll get back to you later b/c apparently I've been on the computer for 36 hours...I wonder if that counts?

4. Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) http://www.themedguru.com/articles/internet_addiction_a_clinical_disorder-86116769.html

Proof of the existence of Dr. Grumbles, the Talking-Fish God

Seen here after receiving his JD in Copyright Law

This blog, believe it or not, is not my first internet "project." I know; this blog is so terribly put together that it is difficult to believe that I have had any prior experience whatsoever. The fact that I have even used a computer before creating "Project Julio" seems like a spectacular idea. But it's true. Here it is: www.geocities.com/drgrumblesphd

I know what you're thinking: "What the hell is this website about?" Unfortunately, this is a question between you and God, because I don't have a fucking clue. As far as I can tell, it's about the "Talking-Fish-God" named "Doctor Grumbles." I created him LIKE A YEAR BEFORE THE FLYING SPATHETTI MONSTER, you know, that son-of-a-bitch who stole my entire idea and now makes thousands of dollars due to his internet fame. Anyway, I was a Freshman in college (still am), and a complete and utter moron (still am), so I had no idea my tomfoolerly involving talking invertebrates actually had a basis in reality. Yes, I said it: TALKING FISH REALLY DO EXIST.

Okay, so the people involved in the story were crazy Jewish fish-cutters. It's not like anyone of high esteem, say, the LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, would agree with such a ridiculous contention as "talking-fish..."

This is actually the least-ridiculous thing he's ever said...

Okay, so maybe Lame-Duck President Bush isn't exactly the most qualified person on this subject, as well as any other subject for that matter, including but not limited to: Pretzels, Foreign Policy, the English Language, public speaking and history (which he acquired a degree in at Yale and immediately thereafter negated his entire education through coke-enduced amnesia).

Sorry, but that's really all the evidence I have been capable to produce. It seems that a talking-fish-God isn't exactly the most common way to manifest a diety...or is it?

Dagon, the fish god, apparently practicing some sort of fish-karate.

Then, there's this article with over 30 citations regarding historic fish-god's and their relationship with Jesus Christ. And by relationship, of course, I mean that Jesus Christ IS a fish-god, or rather a fish-god was used as a skeleton to which a Jesus-like material was placed over it to create a more relatable figure (you know, things like lungs, legs and human genetalia). If you aren't convinced yet, how about the SUBLIMINAL YET UBIQUITOUS USE OF DAGON THE FISH GOD IN OUR CULTURE?!?! Here's the proof:

Video courtesy of the truth and the light. Best clips: 3:00 relates the Jesus fish to a vagina. Also look for Dagon's relationship with Starbucks.

I know all you elite, liberal, "examine the credibility of the evidence provided" naysaysers will try to call "the truth and the light" a group of right-wing, fundamentalist Christian, conspiracy theorists. Although you would be completely correct in that assumption, because I have a weakness for conspiracy theories due to both their simplification of complex social issues and the sheer entertainment value of these crazy conspiracies, ranging form the popular existence of "the New World Order/Illuminati " to the not-so-popular/batshit-crazy "government cameras hidden inside those new digital cable boxes which will replace antennas."

The government is spying on us, apparently because it is

well known that Terrorists usually plan their attacks

while watching re-runs of "The View," or masturbating to "The View."

That's all for now. But soon the entire world will know of...DOCTOR GRUMBLES, the Talking-Fish-God!!!!

5 Diseases that might not kill you but will make you wish it had

1. Dysentery

Dysentery is an infection of the digestive system that results in severe diarrhea containing mucus and blood in the feces. It can be caused by a number of infectious agents, such as bacteria, viruses and parasites. The most common way to contract the disease is by drinking water contaminated with such a pathogen. What results is pretty much like the scene from "Alien" when the creature bursts out of that guy's chest, except with Dysentery, the "alien" is more like your intestines, and replace "bursts out of your chest" with "give birth from your bowels." Oh, and did I mention that it's contagious?

Now Imagine this happening, only in your ass.

Will it kill you?

Probably not. The likelihood of dying after contracting Dysentery is around 15% worldwide (http://www.diarrhoea.org/dd/su55.htm), and almost zero in the United States.

Why you'll wish it had

As we already discussed, excreting blood and mucus from your ass isn't exactly the most pleasant way to pass the time, and the painful stomach cramps one would assume are associated with anal hemorrhaging. If left untreated, a patient is likely to experience "Dysenteric Fevers", which often leads to "Plumbum" (no pun intended), a form of Dysentery which can only be described as "the most violent kind, the patient discharging nothing but blood." I'll take a pistol with a single bullet any day before I drink the water in Mexico.

2. Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever

What is it?

What could be worse than dysentery, you ask? Imagine perfuse bleeding from the eyes, nose and mouth. Imagine painful vomiting whose sole purpose is to expell blood from the body (that's right, vomiting blood and blood alone. It's like what happens after you eat at Taco Bell, which I will not discuss further because we already covered dysentery). Now, just calm down. Stop crying. I'm not finished yet. If you had Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever (caused by the Ebola Virus), your tears would consist entirelly of blood. Also, in case it isn't already obvious, "hemorrhagic" basically involves internal bleeding, as in, tiny holes inside of your internal organs which eventually leads to internal organ failure and a death which has already taken too long to come. If this is too much for you, then I would not advise viewing the following material: guy with face ripped open; dude with bag stuck in head; why not to eat your own hair; kid with bleeding eye-sockets. To sum it up, it's basically just like that scene from "Alien" when the alien bursts out of that guy's chest, except instead it sings 1920's show tunes, like in the movie "Spaceballs."

Unfortunately, the Ebola virus doesn't dance and sing to 1920's showtunes...or maybe

we're the only ones who can't hear it...

Will it kill you?

Well, being that there is no known cure or vaccine for the Ebola virus, and that the death rate after contracting this virus is 90%, and that the only place you can really contract Ebola is in the middle of fucking nowhere down in Africa (far, far away from your friend John Stamos at E.R.), the answer is probably YES. But, on the off chance that you survive severe bleeding out of every single orifice on your body, I think you'll probably know the answer to the next question?

Actual photo of a Japanese boy suffering from Ebola

Will you wish it had?

In every movie ever made, what is the most definite sign of death? Blood coming out of your mouth or eyes. Remember when, in Kill Bill, after Uma Thurman killed the Japanese school girl, blood leaked down from her eyes? Or in every-movie-ever-made, when a guy gets shot, he says "some terribly written last-words," and it is not until he coughs up blood that you know for sure this is his last scene in the movie. Basically what I am getting at is that if you bleed from your eyes, mouth, nose and anus AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, and you don't die, you sure as fuck deserve to or at the very least, you'll wish you had.

On an unrelated note, I would not advise the following material to anyone: Any film involving in any way, shape or form, Carrot Top (e.g. "Chairman of the Board"); any film containing a zombie apocolypse (this takes care, of like, 400 movies); this (Yes, that's right. There is really a "Creationist Museum." And yes, they do believe that Jesus probably played with dinosaurs. Is there anything more awesome than that?)

Editor's note: As with most of my top "More than one thing," I am currently unable to finish this article as of now. Tune in next time and you may be in for a surprise...a good joke for once.

Continued: Top 2 of Top 3 of Top 5 Causes of Current Financial Crisis

2. Politicians:

This is a continuation of the original article, "Top 5 Causes of Current Financial Crisis."

...AND of this one, "Top 3 of Top 5 Causes of Current Financial Crisis."

...AND, as you can see by the current title of today's blog, the odds of me completing the series today are highly unlikely. If you can't take the suspense, here's the gist of what's to come:

2. Politicians

*picture of Nixon*

Nixon eats babies. No, seriously. Remember the Hindenburg baby? So does Nixon. That's because he ate it in order to satisfy his thirst for new souls.

Other baby-eaters include: Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, Bill Mauer and Bill O'Rielley. This doesn't make any sense anymore, does it? I need to get more sleep. And a life. And...no, that's it.

1. Poltergeist

*picture of Nixon*

Nixon is a poltergeist. No, seriously. Remember the movie, "Poltergeist?" He's the one who sucked the house into a void...and melted this guy's face. Why am I continuing on even though this blog lacks a single coherent thought? I'm supposed to write one everyday or apparently I won't write one at all (which I am sure would make you all happy).

On an unrelated note, here's this article from cracked.com

If you read the "comments" section at the bottom of the screen, you'll find a lot of people "claiming" to have "asperger's syndrome," the disorder which was parodied in the article as being a "bandwagon" disease that nerds and losers use to justify their virginity. Not only does this prove that people do the very thing that the article claims, but it also proves another, lesser-known disorder known asw "Assburger's Syndrome."

"Yes, you guessed it: I have Assburgers syndrome, or whatever it's called. I like to respond to possibly offensive topics by claiming that I have a personal connection to the topic so as to generate some sort of sympathy towards myself and make everyone else look like s**t-eating a*****e fucks. Other symptoms include:

-People who say "My mom's dead" in response to a "Your mom" comment

-People who say "I have cancer" when someone tells a cancer joke

-People who say "My sister was raped" when you make a joke about the time their sister was raped." -Famous Scientist #12

That's all I am physically capable of coming up with. In conclusion, I guess, here's a guy throwing a puppy off of a cliff. Classic.

Soldier Throws Puppy Off Cliff *remix*
Uploaded by robphilandjorge

And, for some reason, and old lady shooting her red-neck son's machine gun:

Continued: Top 3 of top 5 causes of Financial Crisis

3. The Great Depression

Wow, the rest of the world must look like shit!

Okay, "Great Depression." First of all, what makes you so fucking "Great" in the first place? 25% unemployment? 89% drop in stock values? A 17 per 100,000 person suicide rate (whereas today's rate is 17 per 100,000...oh boy, we're fucked)? Aren't we fucking special. Now every time I try to encite pity from people about how I don't have hardwood floors in my apartment or how my wireless internet stopped working about an hour ago, they point to a $7.50/hour minimum wage, a 6% unemployment rate and something called "food" on my table and a "roof" over my head. Then they tell me to shut the fuck up. Well, Mr. Bigshot, tell me what is the point of a "roof" if I can't drink Starbucks while researching the latest "Sofa/Refridgerator/Masturbation-Device" from Ikea? If we have a problem today, we're just pussies because around 75 years ago things were so bad you'd rather kill yourself than struggle for survive. What total bullshit.

Now this is REAL suffering! Take away my weed and coffee and you might as well shoot me.

Mr. Obama says that this is the "Greatest economic crisis since the Great Depresson." I say that this is the "Greatest economic crisis EVER...in the universe!" This is America, and if what we do isn't the best than we're not doing it right. I think our generation can ruin an economy just as well as any other. That's right, Grandpa, I am just as irresponsible as you EVER were. Want proof? You'll wish you hadn't:

Editor's note: The reason you wish you hadn't is because I have a life and therefore cannot finish the segment. You are simply left in dismay and with dissapointment. If it is any consolation, I voted for Obama. YOUR WELCOME!!!

Tomorrow, tune-in for:

2. Politicians.

1. SPECIAL GUEST: Houses!!!