Friday, December 26, 2008

By King's Decree: Amateur Comedian Bloggers UNITE!


...So, I propose that all you bloggers out there who have something at the very least mildly amusing to say, I hereby extend my hideiously deformed hand (which also was horribly burned in a fire and embedded with glass in a near-fatal car accident) and ask of you your well as partnership in an alliance the world has NEVER SEEN!!! I intend to unite comedy bloggers such as yourselves under one flag; to create a democratic nation of bloggers whose sole purpose is to produce quality comedy in the face of mindless photoshopped images of cats and dick jokes. Here are but a few members of this new project, a project I hereby refer to as "HUMOR-BLOG.COM'!!!...darnit, that's already a website I just found out about after I wrote this article. I guess "PROJECT JULIO!" will do for now...: web-blog created by a magical African American who goes only by the pseudonym "Static." It is about, well, topics of a politically incorrect nature (such as Russian prostitutes and the illegal trade of Yak's milk) which oddly enough do not involve (as far as we know) magical African Americans such as Shak, Michael Jordan and Bill Clinton. web-blog created by the spawn of Satan, Damian. Unfortunatley, Satan isn't exactly a one-woman outcast angel of death. Suffice to say, being the "son of Satan" is similar to having "at least one homoerotic experience" or "having unprotected sex with an underaged asian hooker named "Charleen...san." Having his father's temper and his mother's desire to have sex with Satan, Damian makes angry tyrades about important issues such as "cellular phone kiosks that you see in the mall," and "that guy at work who you plan to rob next week after he gets off of work because he's such a total DICKFACE I HOPE HE DIES!!!!!" Like I said, he's a bit angry... 

30 MINUTES AGO...before I came up with this awesome conclusion about creating a coalition of comedy bloggers in order to combat the evil "LoLcats" and "Hey, look at thsi video of some guy getting whacked in the balls!"

My worst enemy...en Espanol.

Introductory paragraph thing where I "introduce" you to a potentially offensive, racist tyrade

The internet is a big BIG world, or, as some (e.g. Sen. Ted Stevens; no one else) would say, "a series of tubes!!!," consisting of millions of people who are only a click away. Granted, most of these people are under the age of 18, and half of the other half that is over 18 consists of closet-homosexual internet gamers who live in the basement of their parent's garage (which is also itself a basement) and pretend to be women in order to entrap heterosexual virgins (on sites such as;; who are so desperate for sex that they may be willing to forego their sexuality for one anonymous night with an overweight man who promises to be gentle but never calls even though he said he would and DAMN YOU ROBBY YOU BROKE MY HEART AND STOLE MY ANAL VIRGINITY!!!...but I digress.

Oh, so THAT'S how old people think the internet works. No wonder I have to constantly tell my 
grandfather why a 12 lb. pipe-wrench is NOT required to open internet explorer...

So, being that "the internets" is such a huge place, can someone explain to me why there are SO MANY comedy blogs and websites yet so FEW of these blogs make it to the top of the list without involving a video or cartoon of some sort. Is there something about complex sentence structure and figures of speech that are too painful to process mentally and therefore requires a 4-square cartoon or 30 second you-tube video to summarize without using such frontal-lobe related formats? 

car keys animated Pictures, Images and Photos
Internet humor in the year 2050

If that isn't enough of a pain in the ass for all you Liberal Arts majors with an internets connection, here's another: there seems to be a monopoly stranglehold on written comedy on the web. The only "written comedy" website I can find on Digg is from . That's it. I went through the past YEAR of Digg articles and guess who's always on top: silly pictures of cats (lolcat), videos which find it necessary to expain that Barack Obama is black (really? I thought he was Asian!) and articles from 
Oh, I get it now! ROF to the L (shoot me now)!!!

Happily controlling 3rd place as the internet's comedy medium, proudly publishes on topics such as "boobs"; "comics, toys and cartoons (that we grew up with which necessarily means that it is funny)"; and of course, penises. Go ahead and type in any of those there words/phrases and you pretty much will find every article on there. You see, when you force your webpage into a "list" format, you pretty much have to make at least one bullet point about either of those three things or else you'll lose your audience. They say explicitly on their forums that "We do not do satire, parody, character pieces or stories," or other complex forms of written expression. Only lists. And only about things that will either kill you, destroy the world and involve sex, violence or a cool picture that doesn't require photoshopping. No, I'm serious. There are entire articles about pictures and how these pictures were not photoshopped. Simply amazing/brilliant/lolcats!!! (that's called sarcasm, btw, a simplified of irony which involves using a que to imply the opposite of what was said. Bastards)!

cradeled infant Pictures, Images and Photos
You see, they really didn't REMOVE THE BABY'S HEAD...they are just taking the photo

Conclusion: (wait...didn't I do this part already in a sort-of "here is the ending now let us see the process of how we got here, ooooooh I get it now?" How about a video of Ted Stevens yelling "NO!" at our democratic political system?!)

1 comment:

~Static~ said...

I am neither magical, nor African. I am however American, and that is cursed enough.

Anywho..glad that I finally met someone more insane than I am, and I have to ask "how is this possible?"

Other search terms that will lead one to are:

anal chicken stuffers
tushy police
colon irrigation
whale penis
dead cats
Polish hookers
Bono stole my tent
Uruguay tits

Okay I lied about the first five... those will lead you to my site.

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