|Luckily for Mr. Ledger, most children aren't smart enough to make "ledger" jokes.|
Luckily for me, I have dictionary.com
Heath Ledger (who was born with a name which involves the ill-conceived combination of a chocolate toffee bar and a book used to record transactions) is dead. I hereby express my sympathy to all you hugely gay-men who got hugely gay-boners while watching him makeout with Jake Gyllenhaal in "Brokeback Mountain" while sitting next to your, at the time, EXTREMELY uncomfortable straight friend (whom you obviously have a crush on) who decided to see it with you as a joke, and began to immediately regret that decision during the intense and painfully passionate scenes of anal gay-sex during which, by the way, you were obviously sporting both a huge boner AS WELL AS a facial expression which expressed intrigue, suspense and extremely homoerotic fantasies involving your straight friend who has been in the bathroom for, like, 30 minutes, probably because of that period of 15 minutes (immediately after the first sex scene) where you stared at him while breathing heavily and rubbing his very tight-fisted and reluctant hand against your crotch...
Wow. Not only was that the longest structurally valid sentence in recorded history, but also probably the gayest (even moreso than "OMG, I want gay sex...NOW IN 3-D!!!"). But I digress.
For some unknown reason, all of the 3-D glasses in the movietheater are stuck together...
What you really came here for was the news that HEATH LEDGER FUCKED THE OLSEN TWINS (yes, really, we're not making this up) WHILE SNORTING COCAINE. While all of you may be a bit ambivalent about having sex with twin sisters whom you've basically known since childhood (making them both ALMOST family,) as well as the vivid memory you hold of them as 11-year-olds, you also know that, deep within your loins, you not only want to bang them to kingdom cum (pun intended), but if you had thought of it, you would do so while snorting an 8-ball, because, hey, why the fuck not (you're already banging the Olsen twins, so what've you got to lose?!)
Sure, they may not be considered as "attractive" as most of the Hollywood elite (Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie), but god damnit, they sure are YOUNGER (Ms. Berry is the ripe age of 42, and Jolie is 33), and though the Olsens are in their early 20's by now, they sure as fuck don't look it. Admit it guys...you still have a thing for all those 16-year-old girls that you didn't date in high school because they only dated college guys (and also b/c they were waaaay to hot for you, and you were a total loser who brought his Star Wars collectable action figures to school in a special, gold-embroidered glass-case). You poor nerd.
|The Prom date I ACTUALLY wanted...but was too nerdy for. *fap fap fap! sobs|
|Above: My actual prom date. *sobs farts sobs|
I'll be the first to say this: 16-year-old girls are fucking hot. In the 1800's, a girl as early as 12 could get married. To her FIRST cousin (I'm looking at YOU, Edgar Allen Poe...and you too Jerry Lee Lewis!)
Here is my point: I am NOT advising anyone to marry their 12 or 13-year-old first cousin. Nor am I suggesting you should stalk 16-year old girls. It's disgusting, not to mention ILLEGAL. But I AM saying that the acceptable age of consent, and therefore beauty, has changed over the course of human existence. It is completely natural to be attracted to a 16-year-old who has a fully developed body and who is already sexually active (citation needed/awesome). At 16, their bodies are at peak child-bearing age, which means that they pretty much have perfect bodies without even having to try...though there is much less scientific evidence (i.e. NONE ) to justify pre/post-marital sex with the following:
This was "HOT" by 1842 standards. In the year 282 B.C., a
fertilized egg was the subject of many an erotic cave painting.
Editor's note: I am starting to sound like (and currently AM) a total pervert with no formal education in history, and will therefore rethink how to focus this article AWAY from 16-year-old girls (and history), though I am not sure if I know how...speaking of which...
Google.com: enter search: 16-year-old girls: 1,000,000 + infinity results found (20 minutes later) "Look officer, her website SAID she was 18..." <--- Not directly related to personal experience...it was for a friend who was...doing...research on the subject.
Oh Pedro, didn't Napoleon teach you better than that? Your
political career is ruined...Want MORE hilarious pedophile traps? "To Catch a Predator" has to be the most HILARIOUS thing ever invented other than the Mad TV spoof. Plus, the decoy is friggin' hot...at least that's what I said during my closing statement at the trial. I also proposed marriage to Chris Hansen.