Monday, October 24, 2011

Hero Love? is probably the most incredible gift to comedy since Isaac Newton invented eating turds. "Bollywood," the "Hollywood" of India, has turned out ingeniously perverse versions of Western film and culture, most notably "Superman and Spidergirl." In India, the "man of steel" can't reverse the rotation of the Earth and thereby turn back time...however, he CAN "sky-dance."

This time India has topped itself, and in doing so, topped the entire concept of perverse and offensive cinema worldwide. "Springtime for Hitler," a satirically offensive song in Mel Brooks' "The Producers," was comedic in that it was meant to be an example of the worst-possible musical ever made. Obviously, he was wrong. I'm afraid my wit is incapable of enhancing the humor of what is clearly the most absurd film ever made.

*The following Synopsis of the film is verbatim and not altered in any way. Seriously.*

"Hero Hitler in love" revolves around Hitler (Babbu Maan) who lives in his village Ishqpura. Hitler is a man with unique and different thoughts who loves his fellow villagers and helps them unite with their soul mates [Cupid-Hitler?]. Hitler falls in love with Sahiban (Mouni Roy) who lives in Pakistan and decides to bring her to his village. Hitler believes in solving the problems by talking about them, but when something crosses the line he decides to become "real Adolf Hitler" [wtf?]. Hitler loves car racing [WTF?] but when he is set up to fail in the Asian car racing competition [???] he decides to take revenge. The story shapes how Hitler takes his revenge and fights to win his girl and reunite both nations...[WTF?!?!?!?!]


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Nyan Cat Makes Everything Better

So...Nyan Cat did do it?! We have proof now!!

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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Just 24-hours after President Obama's Inauguration, 16 homes were put up for sale

     Washington D.C. --- Whilst President Barack Obama is enjoying his first days in the White House, nearby home prices fell by as much as 50 percent. "There goes the neighborh..." said one resident, who stopped mid-sentence when he realized I was holding a microphone. "My best friend is black," said the elderly white gentleman who failed to identify himself. He then abruptly locked himself in his 3456 Pennsylvania Ave. estate while singing the National Anthem (of Canada, for some reason) and using a "White Power" bracelet to conceal his Swastika tattoo. "It's a temporary tattoo...I found it in a box of Cracker-Jacks," he later admitted after I threatened to call fellow black reporter Todd "BLACK-LIGHTNING" Token to the scene. 

   A "Cracker-Jacks" Spokesman known only as "Leeroy" claims that the tattoo did not come from "Cracker-Jacks." Instead, it belongs to its father company "N*****-Jacks," which had first opened during the late 1950's. "It was a different time," said Leeroy, "Being openly racist was the cool thing to do. Then, after that darn Civil Rights movement, we were all forced to be racist in the privacy of our own homes, community centers, discriminatory hiring practices, inflated interest rates, college admittance and, of course, Klan meetings.The nerve! What has happened to this great country?"

As it turns out, racism is a "bad" thing and should not be tolerated. Nor should it be given access to public media,such as this website, to spread their message of hate. Afterwards, I conducted a 30-minute interview with several racist homebuyers and property-value appraisers that was broadcasted, live, throughout the entire country...I'm fired,aren't I? In that case, I am not obligated to finish this story, though I am obligated to say that I am a registered sex offender and cannot not reside within 600 feet of a school, playground or PTA meeting.

Julio's Note: (this has been a re-post of one of my all-time best satire pieces originally written in 2009. Hope you enjoyed!)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Nothing Smells Quite as Good as Vulva (Courtesy of

source: Regretsy

Don't say we've never done anything for you at Project Julio.


posted from my iPhone at Pussy, 73260 La Léchère, France

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

"Adventure Time" on Cartoon Network is Secretly For Adults

On the outside, this innocent-looking show seems perfect for your average 6-year-old. But a closer look reveals some very disturbing adult-themed material.

However, don't assume this is a bad thing. In fact, such disturbing humor hidden within children's television will actually benefit your child's creativity by exposing them to high-quality humor that they can carry with them into adulthood.

Thank you, Cartoon Network, for helping my son to stop making stupid, awful jokes.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Julio diagnosed with Narcolepsy; Plans include...zzz...

For those of you who don't know (which should be most of you, since I didn't even know this myself), Narcolepsy manifests itself beyond the traditionally-held idea of "falling asleep" in public. "Sleep," in the traditional sense of the word, refers to having one's eyes closed and remaining still. However, during certain stages of sleep, such as "Stage I," a person can actually talk and perform cognitively complex tasks while still being, medically speaking, "asleep." It is just extraordinarily difficult to do said activities. I am such a person/hobo.

Even now as I write this, I am in the mid-way point between wakefulness and sleep. I hear classical music playing, even though there is no radio on. Right now, as I type this sentence, I see a scenario of...of a hobo. He's asking "Lady Gaga" to please stop what she's doing, because she's making all the other hobos look bad. Lady Gaga then says, "Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!," to which the hobo replies, "...Dick Cheney?"

I suppose the best analogy to what it's like to be me would be to watch this movie, "Waking Life." Luckily, I have a strong foundation in reality thanks to Emmanuel Kant's philosophical argument against Metaphysics. But for the character in the film, the line between real life and reality is blurred, and he finds himself not able to discern one from the other. I, on the other hand, are well aware of my dreaming state, though I only now realized that what most people call "Day Dreams" are actually "Actual Dreams" for me. Luckily, because audio information is recorded by the subconscious during these dreaming episodes, I have been able to absorb quite efficiently (possibly more efficiently than a normal person would) what is taught in a classroom settings, even within a dream-state.

The drawback? Narcolepsy occurs as a series of "attacks." So while on the one hand I get to enjoy my own imaginary world during class, on the other hand, it is difficult to stay awake to do the required out-of-class studying required for higher-level courses. The only thing that saved my college education was a last-minute prescription of Adderall and a whole lot of luck.

So, that's all for now. I, Julio, bid thee farewell. I cannot foretell when the next satire will overwhelm my consciousness and dream-write the next blog. But I can foretell that pretty soon my son is coming home and is going to expect me to be awake. I only hope I can oblige him, or at the very least, be the best "Ghost Dad" I can...and considering how fucking terrible "Ghost Dad" is as a feature-length film, I can't do any worse than Bill Cosby. And he's rich, bitch.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Al-Gaddafi Pledges Fight to the Last Woman and Child; Men Poised to Surrender

I don't speak Arabic, but I think the banner says: Dear America, all future military targets will be manned by women and children. Good thing we never taught our women and children to read. Otherwise, they be able to read this banner. Lol.

Aloha, America and the West! It is I, President the honorable TOTALLY COOL "and definitely not Hitler" Muammar al-Gaddaffi! I say "Aloha" because I, too, was born in Hawaii, thereby making me a U.S. Citizen. You wouldn't bomb an American now, would you?

Okay, if you don't buy that, then you leave me no choice. I, Muammar al-Gaddaffi, vow to fight to the last woman, child, unborn fetus, futon and/or my priceless porcelain figurine set depicting the profit Muhammad performing goatse in front of the aforementioned demographic.

Fuck you! It could happen.

I'm willing to put blood on the line, just as long as we're clear that the blood we are talking belongs to someone else. Anyone else, actually. Except for men's blood. Because let's face it, ladies, men are just too valuable. Who else is going to suppress the women's literacy movement? Not women, that's for sure! Believe me, we tried that, but all the women did was complain and complain until we tied them to a post and beat them to death with the bodies of their own children. Do we really need to go down this road again?

But I am not a cold, spineless and absolutely cruel human being. In fact, most of you have given up on my humanity a long time ago. In order to prevent more male-oriented bloodshed, I am willing to do anything possible to prevent more male-bloodshed. For instance, instead of having men undertake the dangerous job of manning our tanks, anti-aircraft installations and artillery, we've instead used hemp rope (because we LOVE the environment) to bind women, children and homosexuals to said military installations, thereby saving thousands of (male) lives!

We surrender! Please don't shoot! I made this flag out of my friend's underwear! Why didn't I use my own? Well, after the first round of air-strikes...and well, a "brown flag" doesn't do me any fucking good, now does it?!
But my kindness doesn't stop there. I've also utilized state of the art gluing technology to attach puppies and kittens to the tops of all armored vehicles. Not only does this provide environmentally-friendly insulation, but c'mon, blowing up puppies doesn't win "hearts and minds." But we're not bad people. In an effort to win "hearts and minds" of our own, we've retrofitted a designated number of armored vehicles to serve as ice-cream distribution centers. Call us crazy, but we love our children too much NOT to use them as human shields!

Prototype ice-cream tank
Prototype balloon-tank, code-named "human shield." That isn't really a code-name, is it? 
It's more like, "hey, we're going to use human shields, just-so-you-know. Yeah."
(a photoshopped image of a tank covered with puppies and kittens is supposed to be here also, but because I'm lazy, and because you're a pervert, I instead substitute it with a link to a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens. Slut!)

In conclusion, do not judge lest ye be judged, and he who is without sin may cast the first stone. Unless we're stoning a woman and/or child, in which case go right on ahead!

In Soviet Libya, stone throws you!
...also, our children make their own death-stones. 

Monday, February 28, 2011

al-Gadaffi to Libyan People: The Revolution Was MY IDEA. Your welcome.

gaddafi with the people

Greetings cockroaches people of Libya. Yes, it is I, Muammar al-Gaddafi, democratically elected (by 100% of Muammar al-Gadaffes) dictator President of Libya AND hack author of this here Project Julio internet(s).

I ask you, Libyans, why so glum? We are one of the 10 wealthiest oil-producing countries in the world! With that kind of cash, we can afford extravagant luxury items such as limousine-Hummers for President the honorable Muammar al-Gaddafi; all virgin, all-female bodyguards for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL Muammar al-Gaddafi; as well as golden fountains of highly enriched anal lube for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL (and definately NOT Hitler) Muammar al-Gaddafi!

Don’t you see? We are united as one, the people AND Muammar al-Gaddafi. Therefore, what is good for Muammar al-Gaddafi MUST be good for the people.

For instance, referring to Muammar al-Gaddafi in the third person is good for the people. And since al-Gaddafi and the people are one, when I am referring to the people of Libya in the third person, I am also ipso facto referring to myself. Therefore, when I am referring to a revolution of “the people” I am really referring to a revolution of al-Gaddafi. Therefore, al-Gaddafi is revolting against al-Gaddafi!


No, seriously, I think I need a doct—oh mierda, yo ahora hablo español!!!!

Shocking Confession Part I: Project Julio is Written by a 14-year-old Girl who LOVES Justin Bieber!

Me and my friends before a Justin Bieber concert

See how much I love Justin Bieber!? Just about as much as I love talkin’ about hobos.

I started blogging when I was only 11 years old. That was when my best friend, a hobo named Christopher Googlenherst III, died of cardiac arrest after realizing that an 11-year-old girl was his best friend, and that instead of being a successful Wall-Street Banker, he is a hobo whose best friend was an 11-year-old girl.

Pfft, LOSER! Ha!

Do We Live in a World Where...

Do we live in a world where…
wait, do we even know if we live in a “world” at all?
Is this even a real world at all?!
Is THIS real, are YOU real, am I even real?!
What about pickled pigs feet and the less popular pickled
POPE dicks?!
And of the origins of the origins of the “Origins of Species” by the great sir Charles Darwin (Audiobook by Dennis Quaid. Yeah, that guy from “Dragonheart.” Have they no RESPECT?)
And of the recent discovery that I have an extremely large
fireplace in my new apartment.
AND by “in my new apartment” I of course mean my ass-
ortment of new apartment homes made out of discarded
tractor-trailers used for interstate transport.


It has recently come to our attention that there has become a new addition to the list of movies about hobos. The Soloist, starring Jamie Foxx as the hobo, and Robert Downey Jr. as someone with a house who inexplicably doesn’t have sex with hobos. I can’t tell you anymore about this film other than that it is filled almost entirely with crazy, and mostly drug-addicted, hobos...with iPhones. I hope they didn't forget to add the iHobo app! Learn what it's like to live like a virtual hobo. You know, because it's not like actually doing it.

BP to Use Experimental "Stick Rod-in-Hole" Technique

This is a picture of Rod Stewart.
And yes, they are going to shove him in the hole.
 “We’re essentially going to fuck mother Earth in her glory hole” said British Petroleum (BP) CEO, Tony Hayward.

At his 46th Press Conference, Hayward revealed his “Stick Rod in Hole” technique as the latest solution to the oil spill which had been spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for over 6-weeks.

BP is recovering from several failed attempts at closing the oil spill, the latest of which was “Top Kill,” in which mud, golf balls and Obama’s approval ratings were pumped into the oil well.

Since then, the hole has been successfully “capped,” but a permanent solution has, until now, yet to be decided on.

Hayward’s reputation, and the reputation of BP, are intimately connected to the success of “Stick Rod in Hole,” codenamed “the Big Bang.”

“We’re going to fuck the Earth before the Earth fucks us,” Hayward added, in his usual way of completely ignoring reporter’s questions and saying whatever the fuck he feels like.

 “I feel America’s pain,” he concluded, as he climbed aboard his signature solid-gold helicopter “Dy-No-Mite” which was filled to capacity by bikini-clad supermodels and piloted by actor/comedian Jimmie Walker who starred in the 70′s sit-com “Good Times.”

The logistics of the plan are as follows:

1. Laser-guided Robotic submarines (from the future!) will position a 30-ton stone phallus about 1 mile underwater into the appropriate position, known as the “missionary” position.

2. The robots will then begin playing Marvin Gaye’s “Lets get it on” using specially-designed underwater speakers.

3. The phallic rod will then be coated with industrial and commercial lubricants and injected into the giant leaking hole using a military-grade explosive charge.

4. Combining this operation with “Top Kill,” a hollow tube within the rod will inject mud, golf balls and Obama’s apathetic and submissive response to the disaster directly into the hole, hopefully sealing the leak for good.

Dial "Hobo" for Murder!

A hobo, a chef, and an unlikely story. A murder plot hinges on the moral fortitude of Santa Monica’s homeless. A celebrity chef offers cash and food. Which will prevail: hobo hunger or hobo heroism?





Hobos Refuse Money for Murder, Turns in Chef to Police

Hobo heroism, of course. According to CBS news, “Investigators say the celebrity chef, Juan-Carlos Cruz, allegedly scouted Santa Monica, hoping to find a hit man among the homeless. The plan backfired when the homeless men tipped off police.” Bravo hobos, bravo. These “Hobo Samaritans” are the epitome of the hobo-God, Jesus, and his teachings. “Never kill a prostitute,” Jesus once said, “unless you’re a hobo…for he who is without a home may cast the first stone.”

It should be, then, no surprise that hobos came to the rescue. Hobos among us are the wisest and sturdiest of citizens. They live day in and day out without a “home,” i.e., a place which we home-dwellers use to shield us from the elements and shield our wives from our meth-lab in the basement. Yet it is a surprise to most of us. Below I will discuss the reasons why hobo heroism is so unexpected.

Hobo Heroism: When a hobo becomes a hero-bo

“Gossip website is reporting the intended target was Cruz’s wife Jennifer Campbell. Police confirm there are three men who claim they were offered $1,000 cash to slit a woman’s throat.” Murder for $1,000 cash is quite a large sum of money for a hobo with nothing to lose. However, opponents to this view will try to pin the chef’s arrest on his being a cheap-skate. I believe the case is much stronger in support of Hobo Bravery (herein known as “HoBravery”) and Hobo Honesty (herein known as “HoBonesty).

hobo samaritan
The Hobo-God, Jesus, tell us the story of the Hobo Samaritan
Just imagine, for a second, why this is an unbelievable scenario. What is the most defining quality of a hobo’s suffering? Hunger. What is the most defining quality of a chef’s abilities? Making food. How, then, does it come about that a hungry hobo denies the request of a gourmet chef? The allure of even a single meal might convince a normal man to commit murder if he is on the brink of starvation. But a hobo…no, not just a single hobo, but the entire hobo society of Santa Monica, defied the allure of perhaps years of satisfying meals and stable housing that a celebrity chef could provide.

And what makes this story so unbelievable is precisely what was his downfall. Namely, the false perception that the homeless will do ANYTHING for money (or food, or beer, or a naked lady) no matter how self-abasing or morally corrupt. What gives us the right to judge a man’s character simply by his poverty? If he cuts, does he not scream for hours until he is tazed by police? If he takes a dump on the street, does he not give it a name and carry it around in a paper bag? Hobos are human, believe it or not. They may be mostly crazy, delusional and potentially rabid, but they are still people.

However, no amount of mental illness or troubling economic times will undermine the hobo spirit. I believe that, if all of us are at some point in our lives forced to have unprotected gay sex in a dumpster for bus fare, we would all be as morally sound as the hobos of Santa Monica.


Douchebag who will soon learn how to stuff “prison sausage.”

So, a wealthy, home-dwelling TV show host attempts to kill his wife. This amounts to attempted 1st degree murder, where this is distinguished from 1st degree murder, which carries the death penalty, by the simple fact that hobo heroes intervened and brought his plan to failure.

What, then, will be the penalty of this heinous crime? A MAXIMUM OF “9 years in prison.” 9 years. For attempted 1st degree murder. And the disparity does not end there. The failed  attempt by a wealthy individual to pay for murder gets 9 years; however, the failed attempt by a hobo (or anyone) to go through with that murder carries a maximum life sentence.

This is yet another example of how the divide between the rich and poor is not just economic. It is also deeply ingrained in our justice system. Another example is the racial and economic disparity between crack and cocaine jail sentences, “It takes 100 times more powdered cocaine than crack cocaine to trigger the same harsh mandatory minimum sentences.”

Matthew, seen here, takes crap from public for public crap.
The final, and most damning, example of this disparity is the criminalization of public defecation. Matthew Sodoma, 21, who has a very apt name for this situation, is currently “being held on charges of defecating on a public sidewalk or building and…criminal mischief” simply for defecating on the sidewalk in front of a substance abuse clinic.

We are in solidarity with Matthew Sodomy. But there is still hope. The “Matthew Sodomy Legal Fund” has recently been founded for the acquittal of Matthew Sodomy with the overall goal of decriminalizing public defecation.

Trending stories about hobos and murder: Absolutely none! Well, that's FUCKED.

Joe Biden: An Automatic Biography

“Alright, who let him out of his cage?”

Barack Obama on Joe Biden

“Finally, someone finally is taking office that will actually bail us out!”
Amtrak on Joe Biden

Joe —”insert foot-in-mouth“—Biden is best known for being the Vice Presidential pick of President Barack “Pronounces Words Correctly” Obama. Obama, aside from being the first openly black president of the United States who has no “Negro dialect,” is the only reason anyone will ever remember the name: Biden. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.

Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Joe “who—the plumber?” Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly[1] born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would “Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya…Oh shit, you’re a God-damned cripple, aren’t you?!.”
Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry “Kill Them Japs” Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, being a frickin’ child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of lack of age, experience and potty training would not play a factor.

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Queen Latifah. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this “Joe Biden” until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually (after three hard-fought hours) lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

To add insult to irony, the eventual (after 12 years of campaigning) victor of the 2008 election turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew Obama’s name, and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as an “Baracka-brations” In addition, during the general election, John McCain (R-OLD), a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated. This victory officially made Obama the first Muslim/Mortal Kombat Character to be elected president.

According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no-one interviewed for this story even knows who or what a “Joe Biden” is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new “Starbuck’s coffee-drink,” while the minority (mostly Bob Barr supporters) believed Joe Biden to be a “common sexual endeavor involving muskrats, anal beads and shaving cream.” On a recent episode of Family Feud, however, the survey found “anal beads” to be the #1 answer to the question, “Name something Barack Obama recently revealed at the Democratic National Convention.”

Personal Life


Mmm…tastes like my foot!

Biden was the father of three children and proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, still angry at Satan for creating “happiness”, decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children, as a sort of celestial Social Worker. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden’s wife too, allowing him to became a single father of two children…two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered “Clark Kent” type of person. Then God murdered his family, turning him into a real-life, God-hating and all around bad mother— SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Need proof? Here’s an actual quote recorded in his memoir shortly after the incident: “I liked to walk around seedy
neighborhoods at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight
God had played a horrible trick on me…I’m gonna KILL that son-of-a-bitch (God)! SATAN, IMBUE ME WITH YOUR DEMONIC AURA! I…AM…INVINCIBLE!!” Seriously, that’s what he fucking said. Mostly.


Biden’s first memoir reached the top of the Best-Sellers list. His latest memoir, entitled “Joe Biden: I’m infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I’m resigning!“, however, was the worst selling book of any kind ever produced in history. Ever. It even beat out such terrible literature such as “Hitler: He’s the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with…then kill nine million people” and “Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren’t spears!” After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-for-tv movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the World of Literature and has been, according to extremely unreliable and nerdy sources, active in the World of Warcraft.

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