Monday, February 28, 2011

Joe Biden: An Automatic Biography

“Alright, who let him out of his cage?”

Barack Obama on Joe Biden

“Finally, someone finally is taking office that will actually bail us out!”
Amtrak on Joe Biden

Joe —”insert foot-in-mouth“—Biden is best known for being the Vice Presidential pick of President Barack “Pronounces Words Correctly” Obama. Obama, aside from being the first openly black president of the United States who has no “Negro dialect,” is the only reason anyone will ever remember the name: Biden. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.

Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Joe “who—the plumber?” Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly[1] born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would “Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya…Oh shit, you’re a God-damned cripple, aren’t you?!.”
Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry “Kill Them Japs” Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, being a frickin’ child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of lack of age, experience and potty training would not play a factor.

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Queen Latifah. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this “Joe Biden” until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually (after three hard-fought hours) lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

To add insult to irony, the eventual (after 12 years of campaigning) victor of the 2008 election turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew Obama’s name, and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as an “Baracka-brations” In addition, during the general election, John McCain (R-OLD), a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated. This victory officially made Obama the first Muslim/Mortal Kombat Character to be elected president.

According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no-one interviewed for this story even knows who or what a “Joe Biden” is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new “Starbuck’s coffee-drink,” while the minority (mostly Bob Barr supporters) believed Joe Biden to be a “common sexual endeavor involving muskrats, anal beads and shaving cream.” On a recent episode of Family Feud, however, the survey found “anal beads” to be the #1 answer to the question, “Name something Barack Obama recently revealed at the Democratic National Convention.”

Personal Life


Mmm…tastes like my foot!

Biden was the father of three children and proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, still angry at Satan for creating “happiness”, decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children, as a sort of celestial Social Worker. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden’s wife too, allowing him to became a single father of two children…two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered “Clark Kent” type of person. Then God murdered his family, turning him into a real-life, God-hating and all around bad mother— SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Need proof? Here’s an actual quote recorded in his memoir shortly after the incident: “I liked to walk around seedy
neighborhoods at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight
God had played a horrible trick on me…I’m gonna KILL that son-of-a-bitch (God)! SATAN, IMBUE ME WITH YOUR DEMONIC AURA! I…AM…INVINCIBLE!!” Seriously, that’s what he fucking said. Mostly.


Biden’s first memoir reached the top of the Best-Sellers list. His latest memoir, entitled “Joe Biden: I’m infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I’m resigning!“, however, was the worst selling book of any kind ever produced in history. Ever. It even beat out such terrible literature such as “Hitler: He’s the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with…then kill nine million people” and “Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren’t spears!” After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-for-tv movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the World of Literature and has been, according to extremely unreliable and nerdy sources, active in the World of Warcraft.

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