Monday, February 28, 2011

Dial "Hobo" for Murder!

A hobo, a chef, and an unlikely story. A murder plot hinges on the moral fortitude of Santa Monica’s homeless. A celebrity chef offers cash and food. Which will prevail: hobo hunger or hobo heroism?





Hobos Refuse Money for Murder, Turns in Chef to Police

Hobo heroism, of course. According to CBS news, “Investigators say the celebrity chef, Juan-Carlos Cruz, allegedly scouted Santa Monica, hoping to find a hit man among the homeless. The plan backfired when the homeless men tipped off police.” Bravo hobos, bravo. These “Hobo Samaritans” are the epitome of the hobo-God, Jesus, and his teachings. “Never kill a prostitute,” Jesus once said, “unless you’re a hobo…for he who is without a home may cast the first stone.”

It should be, then, no surprise that hobos came to the rescue. Hobos among us are the wisest and sturdiest of citizens. They live day in and day out without a “home,” i.e., a place which we home-dwellers use to shield us from the elements and shield our wives from our meth-lab in the basement. Yet it is a surprise to most of us. Below I will discuss the reasons why hobo heroism is so unexpected.

Hobo Heroism: When a hobo becomes a hero-bo

“Gossip website is reporting the intended target was Cruz’s wife Jennifer Campbell. Police confirm there are three men who claim they were offered $1,000 cash to slit a woman’s throat.” Murder for $1,000 cash is quite a large sum of money for a hobo with nothing to lose. However, opponents to this view will try to pin the chef’s arrest on his being a cheap-skate. I believe the case is much stronger in support of Hobo Bravery (herein known as “HoBravery”) and Hobo Honesty (herein known as “HoBonesty).

hobo samaritan
The Hobo-God, Jesus, tell us the story of the Hobo Samaritan
Just imagine, for a second, why this is an unbelievable scenario. What is the most defining quality of a hobo’s suffering? Hunger. What is the most defining quality of a chef’s abilities? Making food. How, then, does it come about that a hungry hobo denies the request of a gourmet chef? The allure of even a single meal might convince a normal man to commit murder if he is on the brink of starvation. But a hobo…no, not just a single hobo, but the entire hobo society of Santa Monica, defied the allure of perhaps years of satisfying meals and stable housing that a celebrity chef could provide.

And what makes this story so unbelievable is precisely what was his downfall. Namely, the false perception that the homeless will do ANYTHING for money (or food, or beer, or a naked lady) no matter how self-abasing or morally corrupt. What gives us the right to judge a man’s character simply by his poverty? If he cuts, does he not scream for hours until he is tazed by police? If he takes a dump on the street, does he not give it a name and carry it around in a paper bag? Hobos are human, believe it or not. They may be mostly crazy, delusional and potentially rabid, but they are still people.

However, no amount of mental illness or troubling economic times will undermine the hobo spirit. I believe that, if all of us are at some point in our lives forced to have unprotected gay sex in a dumpster for bus fare, we would all be as morally sound as the hobos of Santa Monica.


Douchebag who will soon learn how to stuff “prison sausage.”

So, a wealthy, home-dwelling TV show host attempts to kill his wife. This amounts to attempted 1st degree murder, where this is distinguished from 1st degree murder, which carries the death penalty, by the simple fact that hobo heroes intervened and brought his plan to failure.

What, then, will be the penalty of this heinous crime? A MAXIMUM OF “9 years in prison.” 9 years. For attempted 1st degree murder. And the disparity does not end there. The failed  attempt by a wealthy individual to pay for murder gets 9 years; however, the failed attempt by a hobo (or anyone) to go through with that murder carries a maximum life sentence.

This is yet another example of how the divide between the rich and poor is not just economic. It is also deeply ingrained in our justice system. Another example is the racial and economic disparity between crack and cocaine jail sentences, “It takes 100 times more powdered cocaine than crack cocaine to trigger the same harsh mandatory minimum sentences.”

Matthew, seen here, takes crap from public for public crap.
The final, and most damning, example of this disparity is the criminalization of public defecation. Matthew Sodoma, 21, who has a very apt name for this situation, is currently “being held on charges of defecating on a public sidewalk or building and…criminal mischief” simply for defecating on the sidewalk in front of a substance abuse clinic.

We are in solidarity with Matthew Sodomy. But there is still hope. The “Matthew Sodomy Legal Fund” has recently been founded for the acquittal of Matthew Sodomy with the overall goal of decriminalizing public defecation.

Trending stories about hobos and murder: Absolutely none! Well, that's FUCKED.

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