Friday, June 19, 2009

U.S. Senate Apologizes for Slavery, BET

Project Julio's "Mostly-True News"


Washington, D.C. - The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a non-binding resolution that officially apologized to black people, on behalf of white people, for the injustices of slavery, Jim Crow and BET. Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas also voted for the measure, but only after being ensured that it would not include reparations for slavery. "We don't know whether Jesus Christ did or did not ride a dinosaur" said the Kansasian Senator, "but what we do know, other than the FACT that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, is that if we were to give reparations for black slavery, so would the UK, France, Spain, Portugal, Germany and every other predominately white, European nation between the years 1600 - 1865."

BET was of particular significance in the measure. One Senator from Arkansas opened the vote by delcaring, "...without the creation of BET, we might not have rap music of the type that we know today," a revelation which caused shudders among the mostly white, wealthy politicians. Representatives of the black community who were present spoke out, beginning with one activist who asked of those present "How can you possibly make the claim that BET is worse than slavery...or Jim Crow for that matter?! That's the most racist thing I've ever heard!" The activist was then immediately removed from the Senate chambers and thrown into the street where an ironically familiar crowd of white policemen armed with batons, fire-hoses and dogs awaited him.

Yup...that about sums things up. You can probably stop reading now...

In addition to slavery, Jim Crow and BET, the Senate also apologized for a series of minor physical ailments, including kanker sores, paper cuts and GINGIVITIS. The measure did not pass without controversy, however. One Senator (John McCain) received criticism after he began reading a long list of people whom he had wronged in his lifetime, which included a bizarre list of historical figures such as George Washington, Napolean and Jesus Christ. Democrats apologized for capitalism, which immediately led Republicans to apologize for socialism, which then led Independent Ralph Nader to apologize for himself.

During the proceedings, only around 7 of the 99 sitting and 1 standing-in-court U.S. Senators were present, and the vote was taken orally. The measure was halted momentarily by the deafening sound of crickets; police sirens; and an argument between the married couple who lives upstairs, which could all be heard in the near-empty Senate chambers.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Too Soon? 9/11, dead babies and Nazi's (+ Ann Coulter, Obviously).

A "day in the life" of Ann Coulter...scary.

Ann Coulter. Who or what is Ann Coulter, other than the first thing that comes to mind when you think of 9/11, dead babies and Nazis simultaneously? As a "Conservative" and "columnist", Coulter continues to falsely depict ALL Republicans as angry, insane and illogical beings who use fear mongering, insults and baseless conspiracy theories to support their beliefs instead of providing reliable evidence (of which there is usually none). I understand that this may a lot of information to take in, so in the text below, I have translated this well thought out and properly cited analysis into a baseless, emotionally charged and metaphorical rant for you, my "Thinking Impaired" readers (i.e., average Americans).

No additional joke required; this is an actual book devoted to hating Ann Coulter...Awesome!

Washington D.C., USA - Ann Coulter's vagina. That's about the worst thing anyone could possibly imagine. Logically, then, 9/11, dead babies and Nazi's should be at least somewhat related to Ann Coulter's vagina, but could they be fundamentally linked? To the surprise of many, a recent gyneclolgical study has found that 9/11, dead babies, Nazis not only exist WITHIN Ann Coulter's vagina, but may have in fact been CREATED there!

First Contact: In Ann Coulter's vagina, researches discover the first of many demonic creatres once thought
to be fictional characters of ancient folk-lore

Scientists became interested in the "UnIntelligent Design" theory regarding the creation of 9/11, Nazis and dead babies after Ann Coulter submitted a series of deliberately absurd, offensive and callous contributions to American political debate.

Particularly intriguing was Coulter's attack on widows of those killed in the 9/11 terrorist attacks, "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much," said Coulter, "How do we know their husbands werne't planning to divorce these harpies?"

CNN through the eyes of Ann Coulter

"The truth is, we don't know," said Head Researcher Gilbert Flagram, "but the catch 22 is that the husbands in question are dead, thereby impossible to interview. Though possible, there is not a single shred of evidence nor absolutely any reason whatsoever to believe that their marriages were anything less than healthy." Flagram explained that to create such a random and baseless rumor about widows of the single most deadly terrorist act in U.S. history requires more than huge BALLS (which are themselves rumored to also exist within Coulter's vagina). That's when researches decided to test the theory of whether in fact "evil incarnate" was itself birthed through the wretched vaginal walls of Ann Coulter.

Actual "Vortex-of-Pure-Evil" discovered in the Nether-regions of Ann Coulter

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

"HoBlogging" (i.e. Hobo Blogging) and "Twittering Without a Nest"

Say goodbye to Youtube, Facebook and even Google because there is a new phenomenon taking the internet by storm: HoBlogging (i.e. hobo blogging). Yes, this is no typo; hobloggers do exist. Remember the hobo that always sits near a pile of garbage between Taco Bell and McDonalds? He has a blog. The naked Mexican whose best friend is a shopping cart filled with empty boxes of cigarettes? He's got a blog too. It appears that even homeless people, the absolute lowest class in society, cannot abstain from writing about the mundane aspects of everyday life.

Most Recent Post: Interview with the GIANT SHIT I took on 7th ave. near FootLocker

What are they writing about? The best place in the city to grab a hamburger...half-eaten? The loudest nightclub...that you can hear from the alleyway? The nuances of local produce...found in a dumpster as compared to canned produce...found on the ground near the dumpster? Although little is known about the origins of HoBlogging, one can surmise that it began with the mystical union of a hobo, a computer and frequent complaints by library patrons regardeing a pungent odor itself ceated by the mustical union of urine, human fecal matter and used tampons (classic signs of a hobo blogger, or HoBlogger).

Artist's rendering of a hobo-compatable computer. Powered by spare change.

This phenomenon first caught my attention during one of my frequent visits to lifelong rival NPR. The story (click here) told of the online adventures of Eric Sheptock (visit blog here), a part-time janitor and full-time hobo. He started a blog using the hobo-friendly facilities available in the Washington D.C. (i.e., hobo capital of the U.S., i.e. juxtoposition of imaginary U.S. wealth/freedom and real U.S. poverty/class warefare.). His blog focuses on educating the house-living home-ful public about very true and very disturbing facts about homelessness. Since I haven't actually read it, however, I prefer to imagine that it provides helpful tips on topics such as: sign-drafting and design; loitering safety; and how to bathe in a public restroom.

"I don't cleam, I'm not cleaM"

Look, hobos. Since you're capable of blogging I am sure that you're probably reading this (certainly no one with a life would!). I don't hate the homeless. I feel your pain. I, too, know what it is like to wake up every morning in a different place covered with my own bodily fluids (LSD is a crazy drug!). I am forced to ask total strangers for change on a daily basis (though us house'd folk call them "tips"). I even dig through dumpsters and garbage cans for food (no witty remark this time...I just love eating garbage!). You may not like the fact that I am making light of your plight (that rhymes!), and it may be my one-way ticket to eternal damnation (forced to read hoblogs for ALL ETERNITY!), but if you can't find humor in everything, anything can end up making you feel hopeless (deep man...real deep).

Oh, and did I mention they produce their very own hobo "tweets", AKA "Tweets without Nests"? Below is a list of my favorite hobo-authored twitter activity (*note: not all tweets are by the same HoBlogger):

fist time eva using twitter...anybodey have spare change?
6:34 PM April 7th from the web
found a half-full (or half-empty, depending on how you look at it) bottle of Coca Cola. Turns out it was filled with piss...MY piss.
7:14 AM April 7th from the web
got a flat shopping-cart-tire today. Tride to steel new 1 from BestBuy but police sed noes.
11:45 AM March 12th from the new cardboard computer
Banker LFW (Looking for Work). Former employers: Enron, AIG, Lehman Bros. N33d $$$ to keep Yacht.
3:30 PM March 6th from my Yacht
find another half-full bottle of Coca Cola. Also filled with piss...probly same bottle as b4 =(
8:14 AM April 7th from the web
Above: Photo of Eric Sheptock, first of what we hope to be many "HoBloggers." If you or anyone else are in the D.C. area and would like to provide him with assistance and/or use him in a satirical documentary on the financial disparities that exist in the USA, please e-mail him at

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