Project Julio's "Mostly-True News"
Washington, D.C. - The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a non-binding resolution that officially apologized to black people, on behalf of white people, for the injustices of slavery, Jim Crow and BET. Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas also voted for the measure, but only after being ensured that it would not include reparations for slavery. "We don't know whether Jesus Christ did or did not ride a dinosaur" said the Kansasian Senator, "but what we do know, other than the FACT that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, is that if we were to give reparations for black slavery, so would the UK, France, Spain, Portugal, Germany and every other predominately white, European nation between the years 1600 - 1865."
BET was of particular significance in the measure. One Senator from Arkansas opened the vote by delcaring, "...without the creation of BET, we might not have rap music of the type that we know today," a revelation which caused shudders among the mostly white, wealthy politicians. Representatives of the black community who were present spoke out, beginning with one activist who asked of those present "How can you possibly make the claim that BET is worse than slavery...or Jim Crow for that matter?! That's the most racist thing I've ever heard!" The activist was then immediately removed from the Senate chambers and thrown into the street where an ironically familiar crowd of white policemen armed with batons, fire-hoses and dogs awaited him.
Yup...that about sums things up. You can probably stop reading now...
In addition to slavery, Jim Crow and BET, the Senate also apologized for a series of minor physical ailments, including kanker sores, paper cuts and GINGIVITIS. The measure did not pass without controversy, however. One Senator (John McCain) received criticism after he began reading a long list of people whom he had wronged in his lifetime, which included a bizarre list of historical figures such as George Washington, Napolean and Jesus Christ. Democrats apologized for capitalism, which immediately led Republicans to apologize for socialism, which then led Independent Ralph Nader to apologize for himself.
During the proceedings, only around 7 of the 99 sitting and 1 standing-in-court U.S. Senators were present, and the vote was taken orally. The measure was halted momentarily by the deafening sound of crickets; police sirens; and an argument between the married couple who lives upstairs, which could all be heard in the near-empty Senate chambers.