Monday, July 6, 2009

"Hobosapien," or, "Congratulations, Assholes!"

Here is the accepted standard of a "hobosapien" :


What is a hobosapien, you ask? A hobosapien is considered such if and only if the hobo is chronically homeless. Having your wife kick you out because you took nude pictures of her sister does not make you a hobo (although it does require massive balls). But if we analyze the question further, we still have not defined what a "hobo" is. What is a hobo, anyway? Luckily for us, our friends at the National Hobo Museum (NHM) have answered that question for us.

Scientists believe this museum to be the birthplace of the first "hobo" known only as "Garfunkele"

A hobo is not a lazy, good-for-nothing drunken vagrant, nor is he the manifestation of hopelessness and suffering. No, a hobosapien is as such by choice. Who but the wealthiest of individuals have "a way of life where you are not bound by time schedules, home owner bills, job expectations, the wherever you want...and never pay taxes." Homelessness is not suffering, but in fact is a "lifestyle/culture so sweet, so addictive, so seductive, so intoxicating..." and SO amazing that living with a roof over your head is practically torture! Where else can you taste food 2 months past the expiration date? How do you know what a McMuffin tastes-like when marinated in ketchup and soda for 3 days? Only by living the hobo-lifestyle can one truly become a "hobosapien."

Congratulations "Bum-Hunters": You're a FUCKING asshole!

What's the appeal of the hobo life? First of all, being a hobo can also be a lot of fun; in fact, it's a lot like bieng a pirate! Hobos, like pirates, live on the fringes of society. Like pirates, hobos search for treasure, though instead of gold deblumes, hobos usually uncover rotting food scraps or half-empty beer bottles. They usually are missing a leg (or two) and because they don't have 'real' parrots, they repeat everything they say (which is usually to themselves) twice. Hobos even follow their own "hobo code," a strict set of guidlines which explain the art of doing nothing to better oneself in a respectable and polite manner.

See, being homeless can be fun! Who wants to play Lord of the Rings...for the next 60 years?

To speak of hobos, however, without first talking about assholes is exactly like speaking of shit without first talking about food. You see, much like shit, hobos do not start off as hobos. First they are regular people like you are me. Unlike you or me, however, hobos eat out of trashcans and create endless amusement using only black markers and cardboard. But before they ascend to greatness, it is required that the hobos go through the system of assholes which is specifically designed to bring out the "inner hobo" in all of us. We all know where babies come from...but where do hobo-babies (or ho-babies) come from?

Baby hobo, exhibiting a natural ability for civil disobedience

Ho-babies are considered as such if and only if they were addicted to crack from the second they were born because of their mother's drug usage. Crack, by the way, was deliberately distributed to poor black communities by the CIA during the Vietnam War. But I digress. You see, most if not all homeless people suffer from some type of mental illness or physical disability. Drug use by their mother greatly increases the odds of this occurring, in addition to building a life-long desire for mault liquor, shitty weed and, of course, smoking crack. As you can clearly see, we now have all of the key engredients required for creating a hobosapien. Making your own hobo has never been so easy! Just remember that hobos by their very nature are to be feared; why else do we pretend to be hobos on Holloween?!

No, this isn't not "The Sims: Hobo Edition." This is actually how hobos are made. For reals.

It doesn't stop there, you see. The hobo may be entitled to mental health and drug rehabilitation services that could get their life back on track. An educational system that addresses the problem of homelessness for a student as much as preparation for a standardized test could break the cycle of poverty and learned helplessness. Unfortunately, someone doesn't want the cycle to break...someone known only as the one-and-only GIANT fucking asshole, AKA the: prick; giant dick; dick-and-ass fucker; fuck-ass shit sucker; or "ass-hole not otherwise specified (AH-NOS)."

Dick Cheney Pictures, Images and Photos
Above: world's biggest A-hole

You see, the fucking asshole doesn't like hobos. Unlike you or me, the fucking asshole is not entertained by hobos in and of themselves. They treat hobos like garbage for one simple reason: they can. They have a deep desire to perpetuate a lower-class of persons in order to artificially elevate their own status and overstate their own accomplishments. For these people, without hobos, the idea of having 9 homes just wouldn't be as glamorous. When coupled with the fact that many people have NO homes, however, 9 homes is just, well, a fucking incredible example of a successful free-market economy! Not to mention the fact that hobos who actually DO rise above homelessness end up doing menial physical labor at the expense of their physical well-being all for the simple goal of building new condiminiums, sports arenas and other useless yuppie garbage that only makes the world a better place for those who can afford it.

This statium is DEFINATELY worth the cost of getting 700,000 homeless people the help they need! USA: 1 Hobos: 0

But then again, maybe hobos are just LAZY. I mean, the fact that 1/3 of the homeless are severely mentally ill only illuminates the liberal bias of psychology and its over 60 years of intricately analyzed methodology and research. Perhaps then ALL of social science is hogwash. I mean, what is a "random sampling" other than individuals who are randomly selected from the group demographic of the particular study that alltogether represents the demographic as a hole. I mean, other than being the basic foundation of sound law-making in this country, what IS social science anyway? Sounds like liberal fact-finding of the reality-centered Left...yea, that's it...Great Job!

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1 comment:

~Static~ said...

That Hobo-baby pic had me loling!

Without social sciences, we wouldn't have statistical analysis with which to measure hobos and their subcultural status; such as HoBlogging, and creative black marker/cardboard arts!

So don't be hatin' beyotch!

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