Friday, February 26, 2010

100 Ways to Grill a lolCat

 Killing a cat is quite easy, even for a child (I killed my first cat in-utero!). But once task is complete, i.e., once the proverbial cat is killed, what then is left for man to do? Do you roast over an open flame? Obviously you should inject it with barbecue sauce, but should this be done pre- or post-mortem? For all these answers and more, read on!

100 Ways to Grill a Cat

Way 100: Giant Super Cat
The first step to grilling a cat is to choose exactly which cat it is you’re going to grill. My first suggestion is a rather simple recipe. Just breed or bio-engineer a giant super-cat capable of killing a lion in a single bite. Then eat that lion. Then cut off the super-cat’s head and take a photo. Oh, and don’t forget the grillin’ sauce!!!
Way 85: Chinese Cat Market

Get your fresh cat meat here! Freeeesh cat meat
In America, “cruelty to animals” only refers to small, cuddly house-mammals; in China, however, anything that moves (especially baby girls!) is on the menu! The Chinese are a polite peoples, and will happily de-fur, skin, torture and finally kill the cat of your choice. Also, if you buy 5 cats, you get a baby girl FREE!

Way 70: Blowtorch

China's don't even need Photoshop! They really do this shit!
After injecting your cat-of-choice with your sauce-of-choice, don’t forget to cook it with your hand-held blow-torch of choice. A simple butane flame will work fine, but for a quick cook, I would suggest a military-grade flame-thrower.


Way 50: Cat-Burger

Cute...and delicious!

God only knows what’s inside of a hamburger (Chinese baby girls?). Why  not eat the devil you know instead of the devil you don’t with CAT-BURGERS! You can eat them live (as seen above) or dead, have them minced or grounded, deep fried or boiled in cheese.
That’s it for today folks. For more ways to kill and subsequently eat a lolCat, tune in for the next installment. Or just use your imagination…who am I kidding. I’ll get you more dead cats by Tuesday!


Static said...

LOLing @ "if you buy 5 cats, you get a baby girl FREE!"

I'll gladly pay you on Tuesday for a cat-burger today.

Death to lolcats!..and China. I declare Jihad on Red China, communist China, Republic of China, Nationalist China, Free China, "Taiwan", "Nationalist China", "Hong Kong", "Macau", mainland China, People's Republic of China, New China, "Greater China", and china dinnerwares!
China will be eradicated for the torture, mutilation, murder, and consumption of lolcats!

...Jesus, that pic of the blow torched cat is some sick shit.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The world was a better place when humans ate each other instead of cats. The thigh of a Chinawoman was a particular delicacy.

Julio said...

@Static: Why so hating on China? Starving People > Cats, imo. They're moving towards Democracy and capitalism, also. Slowly, but surely...although the democracy aspect consists of rigged local elections, and the capitalism aspect is corrupted with privatized versions of State-Controlled businesses that are run by members of the Communist party anyway. SO I guess China DOES suck. DEATH TO COMMIE BASTARDS!

@Gorilla Bananas: Chinese women might be delicious, but they lack the meatiness of an African woman and the juiciness of a voluptuous Brazilian. I prefer cats and baby girls myself simply due to their lack of intrinsic value along with their large population. It's like the song "It's raining men" except instead of men, it's cat and baby girls, and instead of having sex with them, we're eating them. And having sex with them.

aspot said...

That's awfully barbaric. Remind me never to visit China.

Static said...

@ aspot: What if you were offered a discounted vacation package with FREE airfare?

aspotofsinophobe said...

I probably still wouldn't go because I'm a bit of a Sinophobe. I don't trust China.

Static said...

@OK_Kate (aspotofsinophobe): Aww, but you're gonna miss out on my audition for "Kung Fu Panda BBQ"!!

megaman said...

China doesn't have a problem with cat overpopulation either.

If they'd give away five baby girls for every cat that you buy they'd have no problem with people overpopulation either

Julio said...

I'm glad to find fine like-minds such as yours to offer their like-mindedness to the likes of cat-slaughterers like myself and Dick Cheney. I hear in China, baby girls are not only currency, but are also taken as vitamins, used as aphrodisiacs, and in some cases, used as a weapon to brutally murder a baby boy! I know, I can't believe someone would be sick enough to kill a baby BOY of all things. I"m so upset, the only thing that can calm me down deep fried tear ducts of a Chinese baby girl. Mmmm, I feel better already!

Static said...

But, guys are missing the whole point.

No one could accuse the Chinese of being squeamish about the things they eat - whether it's fried cat, monkeys' brains, owls' eyes, bears' paws and deep fried scorpions..these are all items on the menu.

But most dishes revered as national favorites sound as harmless as boiled rice when compared to the latest menu du jour allegedly gaining favor in Shenzhen - human fetus. Yes, really. Human fetus.

The fetuses allegedly eaten by the Chinese are all provided by China's extensive abortion services, and is a kind of traditional Chinese medicine deeply founded in Chinese folklore.

So grab a fork and a knife we're gonna perform abortions and serve 'em up fresh from the oven!

Julio said...

Mmmmm, tastes like fetus. No, not chicken fetuses (as in "eggs"). Human fetuses. So when I say it tastes like "fetus," I am in fact referring to the flavor of human fetal tissue.

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