Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Al-Gaddafi Pledges Fight to the Last Woman and Child; Men Poised to Surrender

I don't speak Arabic, but I think the banner says: Dear America, all future military targets will be manned by women and children. Good thing we never taught our women and children to read. Otherwise, they be able to read this banner. Lol.

Aloha, America and the West! It is I, President the honorable TOTALLY COOL "and definitely not Hitler" Muammar al-Gaddaffi! I say "Aloha" because I, too, was born in Hawaii, thereby making me a U.S. Citizen. You wouldn't bomb an American now, would you?

Okay, if you don't buy that, then you leave me no choice. I, Muammar al-Gaddaffi, vow to fight to the last woman, child, unborn fetus, futon and/or my priceless porcelain figurine set depicting the profit Muhammad performing goatse in front of the aforementioned demographic.

Fuck you! It could happen.

I'm willing to put blood on the line, just as long as we're clear that the blood we are talking belongs to someone else. Anyone else, actually. Except for men's blood. Because let's face it, ladies, men are just too valuable. Who else is going to suppress the women's literacy movement? Not women, that's for sure! Believe me, we tried that, but all the women did was complain and complain until we tied them to a post and beat them to death with the bodies of their own children. Do we really need to go down this road again?

But I am not a cold, spineless and absolutely cruel human being. In fact, most of you have given up on my humanity a long time ago. In order to prevent more male-oriented bloodshed, I am willing to do anything possible to prevent more male-bloodshed. For instance, instead of having men undertake the dangerous job of manning our tanks, anti-aircraft installations and artillery, we've instead used hemp rope (because we LOVE the environment) to bind women, children and homosexuals to said military installations, thereby saving thousands of (male) lives!

We surrender! Please don't shoot! I made this flag out of my friend's underwear! Why didn't I use my own? Well, after the first round of air-strikes...and well, a "brown flag" doesn't do me any fucking good, now does it?!
But my kindness doesn't stop there. I've also utilized state of the art gluing technology to attach puppies and kittens to the tops of all armored vehicles. Not only does this provide environmentally-friendly insulation, but c'mon, blowing up puppies doesn't win "hearts and minds." But we're not bad people. In an effort to win "hearts and minds" of our own, we've retrofitted a designated number of armored vehicles to serve as ice-cream distribution centers. Call us crazy, but we love our children too much NOT to use them as human shields!

Prototype ice-cream tank
Prototype balloon-tank, code-named "human shield." That isn't really a code-name, is it? 
It's more like, "hey, we're going to use human shields, just-so-you-know. Yeah."
(a photoshopped image of a tank covered with puppies and kittens is supposed to be here also, but because I'm lazy, and because you're a pervert, I instead substitute it with a link to a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens. Slut!)

In conclusion, do not judge lest ye be judged, and he who is without sin may cast the first stone. Unless we're stoning a woman and/or child, in which case go right on ahead!

In Soviet Libya, stone throws you!
...also, our children make their own death-stones. 


Gorilla Bananas said...

Are you sure the mommy and child are Libyans? I couldn't find a Libyan in your porn gallery either.

Julio said...

I don't know if they are Libyan. I don't think it really matters, though. Unless it does, in which case I'm in for some serious jihad!

Static said...

Since you included the image of a nude and very fat Vanessa Hudgens we are definitely going to bomb your ass for another week or two.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

In former Soviet Russia, illiterate-military-combat-trained women pwn j00!

Julio said...

Rafael, you seem to have misunderstood Mr. al-Gawdawful. Who said anything about "training" them? Unless by "training" you mean strapping them to the tops of tanks. In which case you'd be right. And are.

Julio said...

Look Mr. "Static," our eastern-style of beauty is far superior to your western-style. If woman is beautiful, why is MORE WOMAN not MORE BEAUTIFUL? I don't understand you Americans! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish restocking our tanks with more strawberry-cheesecake frozen yogurt bars.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

IF by strapping and training womens in military warfare YOU mean "a three-day group ramming by the multi-dildoed Oregon chapter of NOW, wearing giant strap-ons; after which the mens will walk with a pronounced limp, never to regain control of his sphincter, and discover themself to be inexplicably pregnant." Then this is what I call training. So does @GayJohnMccain. HIGH FIVE!!

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