5 Diseases that might not kill you but will make you wish it had

1. Dysentery

Dysentery is an infection of the digestive system that results in severe diarrhea containing mucus and blood in the feces. It can be caused by a number of infectious agents, such as bacteria, viruses and parasites. The most common way to contract the disease is by drinking water contaminated with such a pathogen. What results is pretty much like the scene from "Alien" when the creature bursts out of that guy's chest, except with Dysentery, the "alien" is more like your intestines, and replace "bursts out of your chest" with "give birth from your bowels." Oh, and did I mention that it's contagious?

Now Imagine this happening, only in your ass.

Will it kill you?

Probably not. The likelihood of dying after contracting Dysentery is around 15% worldwide (http://www.diarrhoea.org/dd/su55.htm), and almost zero in the United States.

Why you'll wish it had

As we already discussed, excreting blood and mucus from your ass isn't exactly the most pleasant way to pass the time, and the painful stomach cramps one would assume are associated with anal hemorrhaging. If left untreated, a patient is likely to experience "Dysenteric Fevers", which often leads to "Plumbum" (no pun intended), a form of Dysentery which can only be described as "the most violent kind, the patient discharging nothing but blood." I'll take a pistol with a single bullet any day before I drink the water in Mexico.

2. Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever

What is it?

What could be worse than dysentery, you ask? Imagine perfuse bleeding from the eyes, nose and mouth. Imagine painful vomiting whose sole purpose is to expell blood from the body (that's right, vomiting blood and blood alone. It's like what happens after you eat at Taco Bell, which I will not discuss further because we already covered dysentery). Now, just calm down. Stop crying. I'm not finished yet. If you had Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever (caused by the Ebola Virus), your tears would consist entirelly of blood. Also, in case it isn't already obvious, "hemorrhagic" basically involves internal bleeding, as in, tiny holes inside of your internal organs which eventually leads to internal organ failure and a death which has already taken too long to come. If this is too much for you, then I would not advise viewing the following material: guy with face ripped open; dude with bag stuck in head; why not to eat your own hair; kid with bleeding eye-sockets. To sum it up, it's basically just like that scene from "Alien" when the alien bursts out of that guy's chest, except instead it sings 1920's show tunes, like in the movie "Spaceballs."

Unfortunately, the Ebola virus doesn't dance and sing to 1920's showtunes...or maybe

we're the only ones who can't hear it...

Will it kill you?

Well, being that there is no known cure or vaccine for the Ebola virus, and that the death rate after contracting this virus is 90%, and that the only place you can really contract Ebola is in the middle of fucking nowhere down in Africa (far, far away from your friend John Stamos at E.R.), the answer is probably YES. But, on the off chance that you survive severe bleeding out of every single orifice on your body, I think you'll probably know the answer to the next question?

Actual photo of a Japanese boy suffering from Ebola

Will you wish it had?

In every movie ever made, what is the most definite sign of death? Blood coming out of your mouth or eyes. Remember when, in Kill Bill, after Uma Thurman killed the Japanese school girl, blood leaked down from her eyes? Or in every-movie-ever-made, when a guy gets shot, he says "some terribly written last-words," and it is not until he coughs up blood that you know for sure this is his last scene in the movie. Basically what I am getting at is that if you bleed from your eyes, mouth, nose and anus AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, and you don't die, you sure as fuck deserve to or at the very least, you'll wish you had.

On an unrelated note, I would not advise the following material to anyone: Any film involving in any way, shape or form, Carrot Top (e.g. "Chairman of the Board"); any film containing a zombie apocolypse (this takes care, of like, 400 movies); this (Yes, that's right. There is really a "Creationist Museum." And yes, they do believe that Jesus probably played with dinosaurs. Is there anything more awesome than that?)

Editor's note: As with most of my top "More than one thing," I am currently unable to finish this article as of now. Tune in next time and you may be in for a surprise...a good joke for once.