Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Jesus (with a little help from our friends, the Dinosaurs) Continues to Bring People Together...literally. He uses glue. That's his secret. Glue.

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"...and a little more here, a tad there aaaand I'm done. Let this be a reminder 
to all of you whom...make and sell t-shirts of my name in vain...without 
first consulting my lawyer. He can be reached at 555-..."

As you should already be aware (I'm looking at YOU people whom I've guilted into visiting my blog. Read past the first blog entry contained in the link, will ya! Don't make me write an article about YOU...ooh, good idea, I had better write that one down...), I have recently posted a blog entitled "Jesus, Dinosaurs and YOU!," in which I parody the literal interpretation of the bible associated with those involved in the creation (no pun intended) of the Creationist Museum (located in Kentucky...surprise!? e.g. Kentucky Law #1:Dogs may not molest cars.) or what I like to call, the most entertaining thing EVER to come out of religion (more on this later). Anyway, the article concerned an aspiring pastor who is holding a fundraiser to put himself through Seminary school (insert_semen_joke_here), and how he offered to backlink anyone who posted a blog "discussing" this. Being the husband of a Christian, I have had much practice in the satire of religion, and it was time compile my ideas which were hidden inside a stack of empty bill envelopes (i.e. I threw the bills out and instead filled the envolopes with useless crap). Much to my surprise, the aspiring pastor (though I am still not sure exactly what a pastor does except for turning dinosaurs into glue) actually read the article and even followed through with the promised backlink! This affirms the following two things:

1. Not all religious people lack a sense of humor and 2. To those that DO lack a sense of humor, I  would not advise reading the rest of the article. In fact, I would not advise reading the ABOVE part of this article...in fact, even reading this very SENTENCE is not recommended, as side effects include: nasal sodomy; ingrown eyeballs; unexplained testicular grown; urge to purchase the entire box set of "House."


Now that I've mentioned his fundraiser, AGAIN, shouldn't I logically be entitled to TWO backlinks? Or maybe one backlink that's like, twice the size of the other ones?! Or four backlinks that are HALF the size of the rest...ah well, I'll leave that decision between you and your maker (i.e. your mom and who you generally assume to be your dad). Anyway, I shall now continue my tirade against fundamentalist Christians who read the bible literally by conducting a further tirade against them as well as a tirade against pretty much every religion ever --- And yes, I'm including every religious belief, from Greek mythology (e.g. Zeus and the mountain where all the gods engage in incestual/homosexual sex and every dude seemed to give birth to extremely hot goddesses...and then have sex with them immediately thereafter) to Christiani--- (oh, we covered that one already...), to Hinduism (yes, fecal fetishes, 1,000 + sexual positions, etc.), and even Egyptian mythology (you know, mummification, burying yourself with not only all your possessions but also your living servants...[p4]). You know, all the "CRAZY" religions...

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Its perfectly logical, you see. Jesus was homeless, so it only makes sense 
for Santa to be homeless too! "Hobo Santa, I want a new bicycl---I mean, 
uhm, some soup. Yea, I'd like some soup...damnit, here's 20 bucks. And 
don't tell your friends the freeloading elves or that thieving reindeer 
with the glowing nose."

If only Santa had four arms...but I digress. You see, there is a reason why SOME sects of Christianity (mostly ones which read it literally) are infinitely bizzare and insane, and therefore hilarious. Here are just a few of them, just in time for the holidays:

I. Christmas
  This day is recognized as the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ (and to show that Christians aren't just a bunch of depressed emo sissies, they celebrate his death too! Any time is a good time for a party, I guess...even BRUTAL TORTURE! Hoooraay for torture!!!). You see, he was born to a virgin mother, and if that sounds contradictory, that's because it is. Opponents might say that she was impregnated by God himself (the literal interpretation) yet, the logical conclusion from that involves God participating in hot, young virgin action with (if I read the book correctly) his own mother, Mary (if Jesus is God...and God is God..and the Holy Spirit is...uhm...Patrick Swayze?). 

Editor's note: It seems that this blog is getting a little long, so instead I shall continue it next time with: Why (some) Christians are completely insane, Part I(1) I/II(and 1/2) and so on and so forth until a complete volume has been amassed, but that surely will not be the end of it. So...until next time!






5 comments:

Julio said...

your next post should also double as a submmission to Cracked.com titled "X religious holidays you can take off work from that are completely and utterly isane" or "X most insane religious holidays that you can take off work from" or

"X most (insert something "everyday/commonplace/that you wouldn't expect to be [insert "shock" word here, e.g. insane, crazy, ludicrous, offensive, scary, amazing, incredible]) here

Thomas said...

Dude, that post was hilarious!!!! Thank you for making me laugh!!!!!

Mokoh said...

I love the Hobo Santa.

pattree said...

I don't think like you think. Anyway it's normal that peoplee disagree on issues.
Best.
Paolo

Julio said...

Note to all Athiests: WHY. SO. SERIOUS!!!??? (Batman/Joker/Heath Ledger was fucking the Olsen Twins how fucking awesome is that reference) I appealed to the Athiest community to help promote my cause of combining religion and humor. Instead they lie in existential limbo while they try to figure out whether it makes logical sense to NOT kill yourself. I would be better off going to ILOVEJESUS.COM and asking them to defend my blog as opposed to Athiests. And Elderly spinsters in 13th century Britain. And Mos Def. Damn that dude sounds like he's really deaf. Or retarded. Or both.

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