Why you should be afraid of trees

Trees. Nature's solution to cold, dark and damp caves whose only comfort consists of using bat shit as pillows. But there is something sinister at work here. They have become "self-aware." With their ability to live hundreds of years, these cunning masters of stationary espionage have concocted a way in which to "infect" humans with their tree-DNA. Don't believe me? Then explain this:

THE TREES WANT TO ENSLAVE US ALL!!! For centuries, we humans have been slaughtering their people and using their rotting corpses to build luxury items such as our beach-front condos, our desert-front condos and our toxic-waste-facitily-front condos. We shall soon pay for our transgressions against our wodden ancestors. 

Sweden, apparently taking this threat, which I just made up 5 minutes ago, all too seriously, has issued a law enforcing the ethical treatment of trees. To be fair, this law also applies to any plant, including nicer, more God-fearing plants who often teach children about Christianity and adults about how the Bible, even when every person in it is replaced by a talking vegetable, cannot possibly be any more absurd than it already is.

I doubt, however, that the rest of the Western world will follow Sweden in granting civil rights to lettuce. This disasterous flaw in human reasoning which requires us to "prove" premises and "observe and authenticate" facts will eventually be our undoing. If we allow the trees another 400 years to perfect their deadly art, I guarantee they'll somehow figure out how to infect more sinister creatures with their DNA and create an army of wooden, Hitler-like goliaths!!!