Friday, January 30, 2009

Rejected Campaign Parafanelia of the Barack Obama '08 Campaign

The reason for this article is to promote Barack Obama '08 Campaign Parafanalia that didn't make the cut. Recently discovered after legions of unemployed ex-volunteers began trying to sell all their Obama crap in order to put food on their families, these failed Obama memorabelia will be cherished for a people who go to . The following is the first of several FAILED Obama-Merchandise:

Yes, I made this. I know it's friggin' awesome. Your WELCOME, internet!!!


Promotional Materials: 

FREE introductions to Obama-themed blog entries! 100% Satisfaction guaranteed*

Sample 1: 
The election is over. The dust has settled. Barack Obama has been finally inaugurated and is now President of the United States. Good-bye Bush; we'll certainly miss the leader of the "free world" simultaneously being the leader of "People who want to strangle the English language, then bludgeon its dead corpse with a rusty chainsaw!." But enough about Bush, this article is about Barack Obama, AKA "Black Jesus", AKA "Best Friend of Terrorists", AKA "Karl ObaMarx"...the list of increasingly ridiculous nicknames is almost endless. At any rate, no matter what you think of the man politically, one has to admit that he did a brilliant job on the campaign trail. And thus we finally discover the topic of this article (insert article here). 

Sample 2:
Becoming the first black President of the United States of America, land of the free (unless you're black and living prior to 1864), home of the brave (i.e. brave slaveholding Americans). Sure, America has come a long way from the times of slavery. We have gone from using violence to force blacks to develop our agriculture; to using violence to force blacks to have their own restaurants and bathrooms; to forgetting that we used violence to force blacks to do various things and instead blame their crime and poverty rates on ignorance and "free will." I would try to explain the complicated research which proves the widely held (by non-idiots) theory of how the intergenerational income gap between whites and blacks leads to increased likelyhood of poor socioeconomic conditions which then lead to problems such as crime, poverty (duh!) and becoming President. However, I realize that you are incapable of abstract thought beyond one or two logical steps; therefore, I will provide you with an adequate substitute:  

1. Black = Slaves. Slaves = no moneys. Therefore, Black = no moneys.
2. White = NOT Slaves. Not slaves = moneys. Therefore, White = moneys.

(insert article here)

*If you are not completely satisfied, please visit THIS WEBSITE to post your complaint.

1 comment:

~Static~ said...

Nice analogies. Your equations are analogous with similar scenarios such as 1. Women = Whores. Whores = prostitutes. Therefore, Women = no social value. 2. Men = NOT prostitutes. Not prostitutes = psychopathic serial killers. Therefore, Men = Ted Bundy.
(insert gratuitous psychological profile articles here)

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