Bill Clinton, Kim Jong Il and 18 million North Koreans
Former President Bill Clinton has secured the release of not only the two American journalists, but also the entire population of North Korea. According to sources within the White House, Clinton initially bonded with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il through a series of insults directed at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He then asked Kim Jong Il "please" and then "pretty please" to release the Americans. However, when Clinton added, "pretty please...with a cherry on top," Kim Jong Il removed his 'Elton John' replica sunshades and, with a look of utter awe in his tiny squinting eyes, released the entire oppressed population of his country over to Mr. Clinton.
"I'm very proud of my husband," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "It's absurd, though, to think of Bill's actions as a case of male egoism usurping a female's authority. He trusts me; I mean, sometimes he lets me answer the phone by myself AND go to the bathroom without asking," she added.
"They (the North Korean people) all suffered from a similar plight to those journalists," said former President Bill Clinton, "It would look like favoritism if I only rescued 'Americans' from the iron fist and ostentatious lesbian sunglasses of Kim Jong Il." The former president has already written a memoir of his historic diplomatic mission, including a section devoted entirelly to the insults directed towards Hillary Clinton during the discussions. Among those included in the draft are:
1. You might look like a lesbian, Kim, but my wife...let's just say she gets more pussy than a box of tampons! Oh Right!
2. Bill...your wife, she's rather like a bronze statue of myself during the winter months: freezing cold and, uhm...covered in bronze!
3. Kim, that didn't make any sense...much like my wife's campaign in the Democratic Primary! Heyoooo!!!