Politically Incoherent Edition 1: Trump's logic trumps [actual] logic

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Just 24-hours after President Obama's Inauguration, 16 homes were put up for sale

     Washington D.C. --- Whilst President Barack Obama is enjoying his first days in the White House, nearby home prices fell by as much as 50 percent. "There goes the neighborh..." said one resident, who stopped mid-sentence when he realized I was holding a microphone. "My best friend is black," said the elderly white gentleman who failed to identify himself. He then abruptly locked himself in his 3456 Pennsylvania Ave. estate while singing the National Anthem (of Canada, for some reason) and using a "White Power" bracelet to conceal his Swastika tattoo. "It's a temporary tattoo...I found it in a box of Cracker-Jacks," he later admitted after I threatened to call fellow black reporter Todd "BLACK-LIGHTNING" Token to the scene. 

   A "Cracker-Jacks" Spokesman known only as "Leeroy" claims that the tattoo did not come from "Cracker-Jacks." Instead, it belongs to its father company "N*****-Jacks," which had first opened during the late 1950's. "It was a different time," said Leeroy, "Being openly racist was the cool thing to do. Then, after that darn Civil Rights movement, we were all forced to be racist in the privacy of our own homes, community centers, discriminatory hiring practices, inflated interest rates, college admittance and, of course, Klan meetings.The nerve! What has happened to this great country?"

As it turns out, racism is a "bad" thing and should not be tolerated. Nor should it be given access to public media,such as this website, to spread their message of hate. Afterwards, I conducted a 30-minute interview with several racist homebuyers and property-value appraisers that was broadcasted, live, throughout the entire country...I'm fired,aren't I? In that case, I am not obligated to finish this story, though I am obligated to say that I am a registered sex offender and cannot not reside within 600 feet of a school, playground or PTA meeting.

Julio's Note: (this has been a re-post of one of my all-time best satire pieces originally written in 2009. Hope you enjoyed!)

Nothing Smells Quite as Good as Vulva (Courtesy of Krapsody.com)

source: Regretsy






Don't say we've never done anything for you at Project Julio.

~Static

posted from my iPhone at Pussy, 73260 La Léchère, France

Static Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA

http://www.krapsody.com

It's All Krap All The Time

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"Adventure Time" on Cartoon Network is Secretly For Adults

On the outside, this innocent-looking show seems perfect for your average 6-year-old. But a closer look reveals some very disturbing adult-themed material.

However, don't assume this is a bad thing. In fact, such disturbing humor hidden within children's television will actually benefit your child's creativity by exposing them to high-quality humor that they can carry with them into adulthood.

Thank you, Cartoon Network, for helping my son to stop making stupid, awful jokes.

Julio diagnosed with Narcolepsy; Plans include...zzz...

For those of you who don't know (which should be most of you, since I didn't even know this myself), Narcolepsy manifests itself beyond the traditionally-held idea of "falling asleep" in public. "Sleep," in the traditional sense of the word, refers to having one's eyes closed and remaining still. However, during certain stages of sleep, such as "Stage I," a person can actually talk and perform cognitively complex tasks while still being, medically speaking, "asleep." It is just extraordinarily difficult to do said activities. I am such a person/hobo.

Even now as I write this, I am in the mid-way point between wakefulness and sleep. I hear classical music playing, even though there is no radio on. Right now, as I type this sentence, I see a scenario of...of a hobo. He's asking "Lady Gaga" to please stop what she's doing, because she's making all the other hobos look bad. Lady Gaga then says, "Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!," to which the hobo replies, "...Dick Cheney?"

I suppose the best analogy to what it's like to be me would be to watch this movie, "Waking Life." Luckily, I have a strong foundation in reality thanks to Emmanuel Kant's philosophical argument against Metaphysics. But for the character in the film, the line between real life and reality is blurred, and he finds himself not able to discern one from the other. I, on the other hand, are well aware of my dreaming state, though I only now realized that what most people call "Day Dreams" are actually "Actual Dreams" for me. Luckily, because audio information is recorded by the subconscious during these dreaming episodes, I have been able to absorb quite efficiently (possibly more efficiently than a normal person would) what is taught in a classroom settings, even within a dream-state.

The drawback? Narcolepsy occurs as a series of "attacks." So while on the one hand I get to enjoy my own imaginary world during class, on the other hand, it is difficult to stay awake to do the required out-of-class studying required for higher-level courses. The only thing that saved my college education was a last-minute prescription of Adderall and a whole lot of luck.

So, that's all for now. I, Julio, bid thee farewell. I cannot foretell when the next satire will overwhelm my consciousness and dream-write the next blog. But I can foretell that pretty soon my son is coming home and is going to expect me to be awake. I only hope I can oblige him, or at the very least, be the best "Ghost Dad" I can...and considering how fucking terrible "Ghost Dad" is as a feature-length film, I can't do any worse than Bill Cosby. And he's rich, bitch.

Al-Gaddafi Pledges Fight to the Last Woman and Child; Men Poised to Surrender

I don't speak Arabic, but I think the banner says: Dear America, all future military targets will be manned by women and children. Good thing we never taught our women and children to read. Otherwise, they be able to read this banner. Lol.

Aloha, America and the West! It is I, President the honorable TOTALLY COOL "and definitely not Hitler" Muammar al-Gaddaffi! I say "Aloha" because I, too, was born in Hawaii, thereby making me a U.S. Citizen. You wouldn't bomb an American now, would you?

Okay, if you don't buy that, then you leave me no choice. I, Muammar al-Gaddaffi, vow to fight to the last woman, child, unborn fetus, futon and/or my priceless porcelain figurine set depicting the profit Muhammad performing goatse in front of the aforementioned demographic.

Fuck you! It could happen.

I'm willing to put blood on the line, just as long as we're clear that the blood we are talking belongs to someone else. Anyone else, actually. Except for men's blood. Because let's face it, ladies, men are just too valuable. Who else is going to suppress the women's literacy movement? Not women, that's for sure! Believe me, we tried that, but all the women did was complain and complain until we tied them to a post and beat them to death with the bodies of their own children. Do we really need to go down this road again?

But I am not a cold, spineless and absolutely cruel human being. In fact, most of you have given up on my humanity a long time ago. In order to prevent more male-oriented bloodshed, I am willing to do anything possible to prevent more male-bloodshed. For instance, instead of having men undertake the dangerous job of manning our tanks, anti-aircraft installations and artillery, we've instead used hemp rope (because we LOVE the environment) to bind women, children and homosexuals to said military installations, thereby saving thousands of (male) lives!

We surrender! Please don't shoot! I made this flag out of my friend's underwear! Why didn't I use my own? Well, after the first round of air-strikes...and well, a "brown flag" doesn't do me any fucking good, now does it?!

But my kindness doesn't stop there. I've also utilized state of the art gluing technology to attach puppies and kittens to the tops of all armored vehicles. Not only does this provide environmentally-friendly insulation, but c'mon, blowing up puppies doesn't win "hearts and minds." But we're not bad people. In an effort to win "hearts and minds" of our own, we've retrofitted a designated number of armored vehicles to serve as ice-cream distribution centers. Call us crazy, but we love our children too much NOT to use them as human shields!

Prototype ice-cream tank

Prototype balloon-tank, code-named "human shield." That isn't really a code-name, is it? 

It's more like, "hey, we're going to use human shields, just-so-you-know. Yeah."

(a photoshopped image of a tank covered with puppies and kittens is supposed to be here also, but because I'm lazy, and because you're a pervert, I instead substitute it with a link to a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens. Slut!)

In conclusion, do not judge lest ye be judged, and he who is without sin may cast the first stone. Unless we're stoning a woman and/or child, in which case go right on ahead!

In Soviet Libya, stone throws you!
...also, our children make their own death-stones. 

al-Gadaffi to Libyan People: The Revolution Was MY IDEA. Your welcome.

Greetings cockroaches people of Libya. Yes, it is I, Muammar al-Gaddafi, democratically elected (by 100% of Muammar al-Gadaffes) dictator President of Libya AND hack author of this here Project Julio internet(s).

I ask you, Libyans, why so glum? We are one of the 10 wealthiest oil-producing countries in the world! With that kind of cash, we can afford extravagant luxury items such as limousine-Hummers for President the honorable Muammar al-Gaddafi; all virgin, all-female bodyguards for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL Muammar al-Gaddafi; as well as golden fountains of highly enriched anal lube for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL (and definately NOT Hitler) Muammar al-Gaddafi!

Don’t you see? We are united as one, the people AND Muammar al-Gaddafi. Therefore, what is good for Muammar al-Gaddafi MUST be good for the people.

For instance, referring to Muammar al-Gaddafi in the third person is good for the people. And since al-Gaddafi and the people are one, when I am referring to the people of Libya in the third person, I am also ipso facto referring to myself. Therefore, when I am referring to a revolution of “the people” I am really referring to a revolution of al-Gaddafi. Therefore, al-Gaddafi is revolting against al-Gaddafi!

BRAIN ANEURYSM!

No, seriously, I think I need a doct—oh mierda, yo ahora hablo español!!!!

Shocking Confession Part I: Project Julio is Written by a 14-year-old Girl who LOVES Justin Bieber!

Me and my friends before a Justin Bieber concert

See how much I love Justin Bieber!? Just about as much as I love talkin’ about hobos.

I started blogging when I was only 11 years old. That was when my best friend, a hobo named Christopher Googlenherst III, died of cardiac arrest after realizing that an 11-year-old girl was his best friend, and that instead of being a successful Wall-Street Banker, he is a hobo whose best friend was an 11-year-old girl.

Pfft, LOSER! Ha!

Do We Live in a World Where...

Do we live in a world where…
wait, do we even know if we live in a “world” at all?
Is this even a real world at all?!
Is THIS real, are YOU real, am I even real?!
What about pickled pigs feet and the less popular pickled
POPE dicks?!
And of the origins of the origins of the “Origins of Species” by the great sir Charles Darwin (Audiobook by Dennis Quaid. Yeah, that guy from “Dragonheart.” Have they no RESPECT?)
And of the recent discovery that I have an extremely large
fireplace in my new apartment.
AND by “in my new apartment” I of course mean my ass-
ortment of new apartment homes made out of discarded
tractor-trailers used for interstate transport.

iHobo

It has recently come to our attention that there has become a new addition to the list of movies about hobos. The Soloist, starring Jamie Foxx as the hobo, and Robert Downey Jr. as someone with a house who inexplicably doesn’t have sex with hobos. I can’t tell you anymore about this film other than that it is filled almost entirely with crazy, and mostly drug-addicted, hobos...with iPhones. I hope they didn't forget to add the iHobo app! Learn what it's like to live like a virtual hobo. You know, because it's not like actually doing it.