BP to Use Experimental "Stick Rod-in-Hole" Technique

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dial "Hobo" for Murder!

A hobo, a chef, and an unlikely story. A murder plot hinges on the moral fortitude of Santa Monica’s homeless. A celebrity chef offers cash and food. Which will prevail: hobo hunger or hobo heroism?

 

 

 

 

Hobos Refuse Money for Murder, Turns in Chef to Police

Hobo heroism, of course. According to CBS news, “Investigators say the celebrity chef, Juan-Carlos Cruz, allegedly scouted Santa Monica, hoping to find a hit man among the homeless. The plan backfired when the homeless men tipped off police.” Bravo hobos, bravo. These “Hobo Samaritans” are the epitome of the hobo-God, Jesus, and his teachings. “Never kill a prostitute,” Jesus once said, “unless you’re a hobo…for he who is without a home may cast the first stone.”

It should be, then, no surprise that hobos came to the rescue. Hobos among us are the wisest and sturdiest of citizens. They live day in and day out without a “home,” i.e., a place which we home-dwellers use to shield us from the elements and shield our wives from our meth-lab in the basement. Yet it is a surprise to most of us. Below I will discuss the reasons why hobo heroism is so unexpected.

Hobo Heroism: When a hobo becomes a hero-bo

“Gossip website TMZ.com is reporting the intended target was Cruz’s wife Jennifer Campbell. Police confirm there are three men who claim they were offered $1,000 cash to slit a woman’s throat.” Murder for $1,000 cash is quite a large sum of money for a hobo with nothing to lose. However, opponents to this view will try to pin the chef’s arrest on his being a cheap-skate. I believe the case is much stronger in support of Hobo Bravery (herein known as “HoBravery”) and Hobo Honesty (herein known as “HoBonesty).

The Hobo-God, Jesus, tell us the story of the Hobo Samaritan

Just imagine, for a second, why this is an unbelievable scenario. What is the most defining quality of a hobo’s suffering? Hunger. What is the most defining quality of a chef’s abilities? Making food. How, then, does it come about that a hungry hobo denies the request of a gourmet chef? The allure of even a single meal might convince a normal man to commit murder if he is on the brink of starvation. But a hobo…no, not just a single hobo, but the entire hobo society of Santa Monica, defied the allure of perhaps years of satisfying meals and stable housing that a celebrity chef could provide.

And what makes this story so unbelievable is precisely what was his downfall. Namely, the false perception that the homeless will do ANYTHING for money (or food, or beer, or a naked lady) no matter how self-abasing or morally corrupt. What gives us the right to judge a man’s character simply by his poverty? If he cuts, does he not scream for hours until he is tazed by police? If he takes a dump on the street, does he not give it a name and carry it around in a paper bag? Hobos are human, believe it or not. They may be mostly crazy, delusional and potentially rabid, but they are still people.

However, no amount of mental illness or troubling economic times will undermine the hobo spirit. I believe that, if all of us are at some point in our lives forced to have unprotected gay sex in a dumpster for bus fare, we would all be as morally sound as the hobos of Santa Monica.

Epilogue

Douchebag who will soon learn how to stuff “prison sausage.”

So, a wealthy, home-dwelling TV show host attempts to kill his wife. This amounts to attempted 1st degree murder, where this is distinguished from 1st degree murder, which carries the death penalty, by the simple fact that hobo heroes intervened and brought his plan to failure.

What, then, will be the penalty of this heinous crime? A MAXIMUM OF “9 years in prison.” 9 years. For attempted 1st degree murder. And the disparity does not end there. The failed  attempt by a wealthy individual to pay for murder gets 9 years; however, the failed attempt by a hobo (or anyone) to go through with that murder carries a maximum life sentence.

This is yet another example of how the divide between the rich and poor is not just economic. It is also deeply ingrained in our justice system. Another example is the racial and economic disparity between crack and cocaine jail sentences, “It takes 100 times more powdered cocaine than crack cocaine to trigger the same harsh mandatory minimum sentences.”

Matthew, seen here, takes crap from public for public crap.

The final, and most damning, example of this disparity is the criminalization of public defecation. Matthew Sodoma, 21, who has a very apt name for this situation, is currently “being held on charges of defecating on a public sidewalk or building and…criminal mischief” simply for defecating on the sidewalk in front of a substance abuse clinic.

We are in solidarity with Matthew Sodomy. But there is still hope. The “Matthew Sodomy Legal Fund” has recently been founded for the acquittal of Matthew Sodomy with the overall goal of decriminalizing public defecation.




Trending stories about hobos and murder: Absolutely none! Well, that's FUCKED.

Joe Biden: An Automatic Biography

“Alright, who let him out of his cage?”

~ Barack Obama on Joe Biden

“Finally, someone finally is taking office that will actually bail us out!”

~ Amtrak on Joe Biden

Introduction

Joe —”insert foot-in-mouth“—Biden is best known for being the Vice Presidential pick of President Barack “Pronounces Words Correctly” Obama. Obama, aside from being the first openly black president of the United States who has no “Negro dialect,” is the only reason anyone will ever remember the name: Biden. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.

Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Joe “who—the plumber?” Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly[1] born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would “Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya…Oh shit, you’re a God-damned cripple, aren’t you?!.”

Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry “Kill Them Japs” Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, being a frickin’ child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of lack of age, experience and potty training would not play a factor.

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Queen Latifah. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this “Joe Biden” until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually (after three hard-fought hours) lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

To add insult to irony, the eventual (after 12 years of campaigning) victor of the 2008 election turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew Obama’s name, and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as an “Baracka-brations” In addition, during the general election, John McCain (R-OLD), a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated. This victory officially made Obama the first Muslim/Mortal Kombat Character to be elected president.

According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no-one interviewed for this story even knows who or what a “Joe Biden” is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new “Starbuck’s coffee-drink,” while the minority (mostly Bob Barr supporters) believed Joe Biden to be a “common sexual endeavor involving muskrats, anal beads and shaving cream.” On a recent episode of Family Feud, however, the survey found “anal beads” to be the #1 answer to the question, “Name something Barack Obama recently revealed at the Democratic National Convention.”

Personal Life

Family

Mmm…tastes like my foot!

Biden was the father of three children and proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, still angry at Satan for creating “happiness”, decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children, as a sort of celestial Social Worker. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden’s wife too, allowing him to became a single father of two children…two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered “Clark Kent” type of person. Then God murdered his family, turning him into a real-life, God-hating and all around bad mother— SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Need proof? Here’s an actual quote recorded in his memoir shortly after the incident: “I liked to walk around seedy
neighborhoods at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight…God had played a horrible trick on me…I’m gonna KILL that son-of-a-bitch (God)! SATAN, IMBUE ME WITH YOUR DEMONIC AURA! I…AM…INVINCIBLE!!” Seriously, that’s what he fucking said. Mostly.

Memoir

Biden’s first memoir reached the top of the Best-Sellers list. His latest memoir, entitled “Joe Biden: I’m infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I’m resigning!“, however, was the worst selling book of any kind ever produced in history. Ever. It even beat out such terrible literature such as “Hitler: He’s the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with…then kill nine million people” and “Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren’t spears!” After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-for-tv movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the World of Literature and has been, according to extremely unreliable and nerdy sources, active in the World of Warcraft.

100 Ways to Grill a lolCat

 Killing a cat is quite easy, even for a child (I killed my first cat in-utero!). But once task is complete, i.e., once the proverbial cat is killed, what then is left for man to do? Do you roast over an open flame? Obviously you should inject it with barbecue sauce, but should this be done pre- or post-mortem? For all these answers and more, read on!

100 Ways to Grill a Cat

Way 100: Giant Super Cat

The first step to grilling a cat is to choose exactly which cat it is you’re going to grill. My first suggestion is a rather simple recipe. Just breed or bio-engineer a giant super-cat capable of killing a lion in a single bite. Then eat that lion. Then cut off the super-cat’s head and take a photo. Oh, and don’t forget the grillin’ sauce!!!

Way 85: Chinese Cat Market

Get your fresh cat meat here! Freeeesh cat meat

In America, “cruelty to animals” only refers to small, cuddly house-mammals; in China, however, anything that moves (especially baby girls!) is on the menu! The Chinese are a polite peoples, and will happily de-fur, skin, torture and finally kill the cat of your choice. Also, if you buy 5 cats, you get a baby girl FREE!

Way 70: Blowtorch

China's great...you don't even need Photoshop! They really do this shit!

After injecting your cat-of-choice with your sauce-of-choice, don’t forget to cook it with your hand-held blow-torch of choice. A simple butane flame will work fine, but for a quick cook, I would suggest a military-grade flame-thrower.

                                              

Way 50: Cat-Burger

Cute...and delicious!

God only knows what’s inside of a hamburger (Chinese baby girls?). Why  not eat the devil you know instead of the devil you don’t with CAT-BURGERS! You can eat them live (as seen above) or dead, have them minced or grounded, deep fried or boiled in cheese.
That’s it for today folks. For more ways to kill and subsequently eat a lolCat, tune in for the next installment. Or just use your imagination…who am I kidding. I’ll get you more dead cats by Tuesday!

The Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator: Just blame it on the Liberals

Pat Robertson: The Man


As we all know, ever since God accidentally created Pat Robertson from a mutated fragment of Hitler's DNA, Liberals have been a bigger scapegoat for all society's woes than the Jews, 9/11 and violent video-games put together. But this idea is anything but original, as this Conservative axiom of "Just blame it on the Liberals" has gone unchanged throughout human history. Whether it be when the Liberal Jews decided to follow Jesus, thereby forcing the Conservative Jews to kill him in order to "conserve" their corrupt power structure. Or when the Liberal Jews in 1930's Germany decided to own successful businesses, thereby forcing the Conservative White Anglo-Saxon Protestants to "conserve" their awful business philosophies by committing genocide. Or when the Liberals of the USA promoted gay rights, thereby forcing God to arrange 70 virgins for each of the 9/11 hijackers. Or when the Western Liberals of the late 1800's ended the slave trade, thereby creating a pact with the devil, thereby causing the Haitian revolution, thereby forcing Satan to cause the 7.0 magnitude Earthquake that killed over 150,000 Haitian civilians.

You see, in Pat Robertson's world, and the ignorant wackjobs who provide him with a forum to create that world, the Liberals are to blame for all the world's problems. It is the conservatives, rather, who solve those problems by doing nothing. For you see, nothing can really be a problem if you resign yourself to hopelessness and decide that all problems are unsolvable.

Pat Robertson: The Bullshit


Bullshit was invented by "Dr." (Ph.D in Bullshit) Pat Robertson, circa 33 B.C. (or as the ATHEISTS/LIBERALS say, B.C.E.). The height of this achievement, however, did not occur until early 2010, when Pat "horse manure" Robertson stated as fact that Haiti was "cursed" after a "pact with the devil." Unfortunately for Mr. Robertson, this is somewhat based in fact, but not in the way that he thinks. You see, the myth of the Haitian pact with the devil was originally crafted by the Haitians themselves, and used as a weapon against their enslavers. During the Haitian revolution, Haitian general (a black general...IMPOSSIBLE!) Toussaint L'Ouverture used the ignorant superstitions of the Europeans (regarding African black-magic) as a weapon against Haiti's oppressors.

You see, Toussaint used an especially painful poison to assassinate enemy generals and afterwards openly claimed to have been using "black magic" to cause those deaths. The fear spread by these superstitions aided in reducing the morale of French troops. This increase in fear led to frequent retreats by French forces during battle, and also reduced French support for the war effort. You see, Mr. Robertson is not CRAZY...no, it is the cunning intellect of 17th century Haitians that serves to prove that Pat Robertson is STUPID. He's an ignorant, superstitious egomaniac, much like the French slave owners in Haiti over 200 years ago. Pat Robertson is just the kind of racist idiot that the "black magic" myth was intended to fool.


Pat Robertson: Just Blame it on the Liberals


Recently revealed on krapsody.com is a list of persons, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of God." Below, we here at Project Julio will provide a list of person's, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of Liberals." Oh, and if you're looking instead for a "Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator," just follow this simple formula: "Problem X" is/was caused by "Liberal Group Y" because of "Liberal Action Z". Example: 9/11 (x) was caused by Homosexuals (y) because of Double-fisted anal/penile penetration (z)

Project Julio Presents: The Official 2010 Pat Robertson "Acts of Liberals":

*The Making, and epic failure of, Kevin Costner's film "Waterworld"
*Itchy Wool Sweaters
*9/11: see above example for details
*Kevin Costner
*The hole in the Ozone Layer: because liberals starved the Ozone Layer of its precious CFC's.
*Oxycontin: the only drug that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Rush Limbaugh
*Earthquake in Haiti: due to the terrible events known as the "Abolition of Slavery"
* Pedophilia: the only affliction that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Republican Congressman Mark Foley
*The Civil Rights act of 1964: "since when did MONKEY'S have the right to vote?!"
*Hurricane Katrina: again, double-fisted anal/penile penetration is responsible
*Reality: for having an "inherently liberal bias" - Stephen Colbert
and finally...
*The View: double-fisted anal/penile penetration...AGAIN

In Recession, Even Hobo Job Market Suffers

Temporary manual labor, once thought to be the most secure form of employment, has decreased by 11% this year, according to a report released by the Hiring Occupation Business Observer (HOBO). The report goes on to suggest that this 11% decreased in reported unemployment has trickled over into an 11% increase in unreported back-alley sex labor, including but not limited to:
sexual massage; genital stomping; semen ingestion; double-fisted anal penetration; rabbit stuffing (anally); semen ingestion (anally); single-fisted anal penetration; watching the 1st season of “House” on DVD (anally); bringing coupons to a grocery store only to find out that they expired the day before…followed by triple-fisted anal/penile penetration; watching Taylor Swift host SNL (not inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); and sock-puppet theater (inside someone’s ass).

(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick

Temporary manual labor, however, has consistently been a safety net for the unemployed, divorced, homeless or otherwise socially unbound individual. For instance, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8 1894, it was declared that “Always try to find work, even if it is temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.” However, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8, 2009, it was declared “Does anybody have any spare change? Wait, of course no one does, we’re all hobos…Anyway, as I was saying. Always try to find work, even if it’s temporary, and even if it’s “Things I do in a back-ally to buy alcohol, including but not limited to:
sexual foot-massage; genital mutilation; conducting model trains while not wearing shirts (with mutual touching); quadruple-fisted anal/penile penetration; baby stomping; watching an entire season of “How I Met Your Mother” (which isn’t inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); reading Sarah Palin’s book “Going Rogue” (which is both inherently sexual AND self-degrading); biting the head off of a squirrel; and stamp-collecting (inside someone’s ass).”

Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick

This obvious shift in hobo-attitude over the past century cannot only be blamed on the hobos themselves. Once the pioneers of entrepreneurship and freedom, hobos have become imprisoned by their poverty instead of being empowered by their freedom. According to the HOBO report, this shift in hobo philosophy can be traced back to the Great Depression, where the population of hobos quadrupled, thereby flooding the hobo job market. This led to a dilution of the once proud hobo culture, and ushered in the redefinition of “odd job” from “occasional job” to “occasional job of what I believe to be of a sexual nature but I’m not sure because there is nothing inherently sexual about pooping in a fish-bowl.”
Though the Great Depression eventually ended, the deterioration of the hobo culture did not. Still to this day, finding work as a hobo is harder than ever. Misleading and ironic businesses, such as HOBO (Home Owners Bargain Outlet), Hobo Internet, and the Hungry Hobo (restaurant), further mock the plight of the traveling tramp who’s simply down on his luck. Trashcans now come equipped with hobo-proof lids. People no longer throw their trash on the side of the road, and it’s now illegal to throw away plastic bottles. With all these classic hobo jobs now obsolete, where else can a hobo go to make a quick buck, other than a back-alley?

New era of hobo-businessmen

Is Barack Obama a Real Person OR an Elaborate Hoax?

The media is once again focused on the legitimacy of Barack Obama's birth records. Several non-partisan organizations have located valid flaws in the birth certificate presented by the Obama campaign last year, however, it is only recently that experts have uncovered the full extent of the liberal-socialist conspiracy.

The truth, however, is much more frightening than any of us could have anticipated. The conspiracy is embedded deep within the very fabric of all news media, including television, newspapers and even radio. But no matter how far the arms of Socialism extend, they can never fully envelop the Internets. It is here that the vast conspiracy will ultimately unfold. Before you read this, you may want to connect to a secure internet connection to prevent yourself from being identified.

Barack Hussein Obama is a fictional character. Barack H. Obama, a.k.a Barack Saddam Hussein Osama bin Laden, a.k.a. Obama bin Larden is not actually a real (legal or otherwise) human being. He was never born, and therefore was never officially elected to the U.S. presidency. The man we know as "Barack Hussein Obama" is actually played by an actor named "Fred G. Sanford." His persona was created and developed by the extreme left in order to usher us into a socialist-facist state. Shh, keep it on the down-low, if you know what I mean. Knowaddimean?
 

It has been planned for over 12 years since the mid 1990's in response to the growing Conservative movement in this country. The proof of this is undeniable. Doctored photos. Doctored and/or falsified legal documents. Those televised presidential addresses? A robot. Personal appearances at various events. A muppet. The unexpected delivery of your child in the backseat of a taxicab? The mugging on the A-train? The gas station hold up? The night you got raped? Simply some guy (probably some homeless person) who looks like the most elaborate hoax ever created. You name it -- they've done it.

Picture of the U.S. Capitol Building

Doctored version of previous photo featuring Fred G. Sanford as "Barack H. Obama"

Falsified Birth Record provided as evidence of Sanford's pseudonym

Same document with errors exemplified

"The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father" were written in order to further develop "Barack Obama" as a politically viable minority candidate. Soon a national "catastrophe" will occur, and will be used as an excuse to void the Constitution and establish a Socialist-Facist state. U.S. soldiers will enter our homes, disarm us of our weapons and adopt us as property of the State. Good god the end is near. Grab all the tea bags in the house. Head for your basements now and kiss your asses goodbye!

[insert visual image of self kissing own ass here]

PROJECT JULIO HAS MOVED TO WWW.PROJECTJULIO.COM

That's right. It's official. Project Julio is now officially a dot.com, bitch! WWW.PROJECTJULIO.COM

Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos Part I

"Une Hobo," source of my inspiration (as well as my anal warts)!

According to Wikipedia, a "figure of speech" is defined as "a use of a word that diverges from its normal meaning, or a phrase with a specialized meaning not based on the literal meaning of the words in it such as a metaphor, simile, or personification." As you can cleary see in the list below, there are nearly 100 such twists of language, and believe it or not, these are the building blocks of humor as we know it. They are broken up into two categories: Schemes and Tropes. For the sake of entertainment, I will demonstrate each of these with the focus being on hobos.

The overall goal of this project is to increase public awareness that comedy is in fact an art form. Perhaps if they themselves can produce and understand comedic material, comedians such as ourselves won't have to watch cliched sit-coms or listen to the average person's pathetic attempts at conversational improvisation.

Schemes:

§ alliteration: A series of words that begin with the same letter or sound alike

Hidden hobos housed in huts hurriedly hustle to help hydrogenous homosexuals hide their HIV.

§ anacoluthon: A change in the syntax within a sentence

Hobos, though filthy and dumb creatures --- are they not of much amusement to us in their drunken and/or crack-cocaine fueled stupor?

§ anadiplosis: Repetition of a word at the end of a clause at the beginning of another

Homelessness leads to desperation, desperation leads to crime and crime leads back to home. Though that home may be a prison, prisons provide warmth and sustenance whereas sidewalks do not.

§ anaphora: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the beginning of successive clauses

A hobo might smell (badly)
A hobo might light (a cigarette)
A hobo might smell (another hobo)
A hobo might fight (another hobo)
A hobo might sleep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might write (on a cardboard box)
A hobo might weep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might right (the wrongs)

A hobo might, tonight,
sleep upright.

§ anastrophe: Inversion of the usual word order

Yoda: Smells of urine, hobos do.

§ anticlimax: the arrangement of words in order of decreasing importance

Hobos provide city streets with character, personality and, least of all, public displays of nudity, urination and, least of all, bat-shit insanity.

§ antimetabole: Repetition of words in successive clauses, in reverse order

When a hobo bites, and then defecates upon, a man, that is not news; however, when a man bites, and then defecates upon, a hobo, that IS news.

§ antithesis: The juxtaposition of opposing or contrasting ideas

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aphorismus: statement that calls into question the definition of a word

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aposiopesis: Breaking off or pausing speech for dramatic or emotional effect

Is he doing what I think he’s…yup. That hobo just peed on the cure to Cancer.

§ apostrophe: Directing the attention away from the audience and to a personified abstraction

Dear hobos! I would, were you not untrustworthy carriers of disease, happily invite you into my home and listen to your eccentric stories of sporadic travel and street dwelling!

§ apposition: The placing of two elements side by side, in which the second defines the first

Hobos, those traveling salesmen of charity, provide a positive boost of self-esteem to all those (of higher status) that they encounter!

§ assonance: The repetition of vowel sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse

Old, ordinary hobos obtain kudos from over-obsessed observers and enthusiasts of the obsolescent pastime of hobo-ing.

*Julio's note: That's all for now, but don't worry --- part II of "Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos" will continue tomorrow! (to view the entire list of Figures of Speech, click here)