Shock! Blog, where evil/gay/disguisting WINS!!!

Introducing new addition to Icanhazcheeseburger.fag

SHOCK! BLOG.FAG!!!

moar funny pictures

Thanks to ~Static~ for posting this Hitler WIN!

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Human Rights FAIL!

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Sex FAIL! (NSFW...or Human beings for that matter)

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Being-alive FAIL! (NSFW)

Cowboy FAIL! (NSFW)

The Guest Post From Hell

What in the hell is hell? I'm not a christian or a religious person. However, IF I could define hell, I'd say that it would be having your car break down in rush hour traffic on the freeway.

There are hundreds of people trapped behind you, cars and cars full of angry eyes, they honk their horns, give fingers and yell out their windows as they go around you.

The predicament makes you so frazzled you stop thinking straight and make a hasty decision to walk to a pay phone because your cell phone is dead. Along the way to look for a pay phone an SUV full of teenagers (who are obviously driving mommy's car) chuck a milkshake on you and proceed to laugh, and speed off, splashing you with a huge puddle of water beside the road.

By the time you call for help and get back to your car, it's been towed by the police because you essentially "abandoned" the vehicle without so much as leaving a note in the window (oops, won't ever do that again.) So then you end up trying to hitch a ride. Someone finally pulls over after you flash your hairy pasty white leg at them.

You get in the car and you enter the world of "Creepy Guy" who proceeds to hit on you in every way imaginable. After protesting his advances he goes psycho on you, and robs you at screwdriver point (that's when someone holds a screwdriver to your jugular and starts making demands - thank the stars he isn't demanding teh buttsecks.)

After being robbed and beaten about the head and neck with a screwdriver handle he dumps your half-conscious body near an underpass where a stray dog humps your leg and pees all over your head. This disgusts you, but nevertheless rouses you from your concussion, and you then begin walking to the nearest pay phone to call the police. But you realize you are in Crackville, have only spare change, and waiting for the cops to arrive in such a neighborhood isn't such a good idea any way. So realizing you have some change, you instead look for the nearest bus stop to get the "hell" out of Dodge.

While waiting for the bus a homeless guy asks you for some spare change. You tell him you don't have any, but he doesn't believe you. He gets angry and belligerent. He tells you that you are not a good christian, screaming that the apocalypse is near. And then he starts to throw feces on you. You run out into the street to escape the mad man and a bus nails you head on sending you airborne.

You land on a speeding car that veers out of control when the driver freaks out, and go crashing through the front window of a 7-11 breaking a gas main. The accident causes an explosion that nearly incinerates everything within 1,000 feet of it's epicenter.

You then wake up in the hospital (since you aren't dead yet) with 3rd degree burns over 95% of your body. In fact most of your flesh is gone and they have plans to do multiple skin grafts from the skin on your ass (the only place untouched by the explosion.) Months and months into the procedure, a nurse one afternoon forgets to keep your life support plugged-in and you slowly slip into a coma.

You wake years later and don't remember anything. Everyone you knew gave up hope that you'd ever "return", and they are no longer a part of your life to help refresh your memory or hold your hand through this difficult time. An inexperienced by-the-book representative from a collections agency shows up upon hearing of your recovery and since the insurance ran out a few years ago, he/she orders that you pay the sum of $12 million dollars for your hospital stay or you're out on the street.







That's hell.

Of course hell could also be allowing a guy like me to guest post on your blog.









Visit Krapsody.com to find out what kind of hell is in store for you!

Static Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA

http://www.krapsody.com

It's All Krap All The Time

funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire

Visit Krapsody.com and request a signature like this!

Rejected Campaign Parafanelia of the Barack Obama '08 Campaign

The reason for this article is to promote Barack Obama '08 Campaign Parafanalia that didn't make the cut. Recently discovered after legions of unemployed ex-volunteers began trying to sell all their Obama crap in order to put food on their families, these failed Obama memorabelia will be cherished for a lifetime...by people who go to failblog.com . The following is the first of several FAILED Obama-Merchandise:

Large:

Yes, I made this. I know it's friggin' awesome. Your WELCOME, internet!!!

Petite:

Promotional Materials: 

FREE introductions to Obama-themed blog entries! 100% Satisfaction guaranteed*

Sample 1: 

The election is over. The dust has settled. Barack Obama has been finally inaugurated and is now President of the United States. Good-bye Bush; we'll certainly miss the leader of the "free world" simultaneously being the leader of "People who want to strangle the English language, then bludgeon its dead corpse with a rusty chainsaw!." But enough about Bush, this article is about Barack Obama, AKA "Black Jesus", AKA "Best Friend of Terrorists", AKA "Karl ObaMarx"...the list of increasingly ridiculous nicknames is almost endless. At any rate, no matter what you think of the man politically, one has to admit that he did a brilliant job on the campaign trail. And thus we finally discover the topic of this article (insert article here). 

Sample 2:

Becoming the first black President of the United States of America, land of the free (unless you're black and living prior to 1864), home of the brave (i.e. brave slaveholding Americans). Sure, America has come a long way from the times of slavery. We have gone from using violence to force blacks to develop our agriculture; to using violence to force blacks to have their own restaurants and bathrooms; to forgetting that we used violence to force blacks to do various things and instead blame their crime and poverty rates on ignorance and "free will." I would try to explain the complicated research which proves the widely held (by non-idiots) theory of how the intergenerational income gap between whites and blacks leads to increased likelyhood of poor socioeconomic conditions which then lead to problems such as crime, poverty (duh!) and becoming President. However, I realize that you are incapable of abstract thought beyond one or two logical steps; therefore, I will provide you with an adequate substitute:  

1. Black = Slaves. Slaves = no moneys. Therefore, Black = no moneys.

2. White = NOT Slaves. Not slaves = moneys. Therefore, White = moneys.

(insert article here)

*If you are not completely satisfied, please visit THIS WEBSITE to post your complaint.

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Just 24-hours after President Obama's Inauguration, 16 homes were put up for sale

     Washington D.C. --- Whilst President Barack Obama is enjoying his first days in the White House, nearby home prices fell by as much as 50 percent. "There goes the neighborh..." said one resident, who stopped mid-sentence when he realized I was holding a microphone. "My best friend is black," said the elderly white gentleman who failed to identify himself. He then abruptly locked himself in his 3456 Pennsylvania Ave. estate while singing the National Anthem (of Canada, for some reason) and using a "White Power" bracelet to conceal his Swastika tattoo. "It's a temporary tattoo...I found it in a box of Cracker-Jacks," he later admitted after I threatened to call fellow black reporter Todd "BLACK-LIGHTNING" Tolken to the scene. 

   A "Cracker-Jacks" Spokesman known only as "Leeroy" claims that the tattoo did not come from "Cracker-Jacks." Instead, it belongs to its father company "N****r-Jacks," which had first opened during the late 1950's. "It was a different time," said Leeroy, "Being openly racist was the cool thing to do. Then, after that darn Civil Rights movement, we were all forced to be racist in the privacy of our own homes, community centers, discriminatory hiring practices, inflated interest rates, college admittance and, of course, Klan meetings. The nerve. What the heck happened to this country?"

As it turns out, racism is a "bad" thing and should not be tolerated. Nor should it be given access to public media,such as this website, to spread their message of hate. Afterwards, I conducted a 30-minute interview with several racist homebuyers and property-value appraisors that was broadcasted, live, throughout the entire country...I'm fired,aren't I? In that case, I am not obligated to finish this story, though I am obligated to say that I am a registered sex offender and cannot not reside within 600 feet of a school, playground or PTA meeting.

NPH: National Project Julio

NPH, or National Project Julio, is a NPR sponsored/ripped-off website designed to gain media attention by clearly violating copyright laws and, in the process, replacing the tired old "blog" format with something a bit more palatable, i.e., the NPR website. Blog pages display entire articles and do now allow the author to manage content in a very appetizing manner. In a way, websites are the internet's "filet minot," and blogs are the internet's "wet cardboard box filled with the parts of food that people normally do not eat either because they are inedible or considered 'carcinogenic' by the FDA due to high levels of heavy metal (e.g. Metallica; AC/DC) and unprocessed human waste (e.g. Denny's)."


Above: the blogosphere OR the "Denny's" in Burmingham, Alabama.

Cannibalism part II: Why Cannibalistic Serial-Murderers Are Waaay Better Than Non-Cannibalistic Serial-Murderers...

I know the title might be a bit much, but I am kind-of distracted. You see, my young son is currently asking me about why the "airplane" I gave him for Christmas looks an awful-lot like a cardboard box with the word "airplane" written on it. If I were the Jeffrey Dahmer type, I would probably eat him for interrupting my blog entry. However, being a law-abiding American citizen, I have decided instead to simply ignore him so that when he becomes an adult, he can use the trauma of his neglect to become a prominent lawyer...and then defend me in court for 7 felony counts of cannibalism. At least that's what I read in some parenting book some homeless guy sold me for 3 bucks.

He 'said' he was a doctor, but I still have my doubts

Anyway, we all know that Serial-Murderers are the most frightening of murderers because those of us without much money (like, say, 98% of the U.S. population) are often the targets of their brutal assaults, midnight blood orgies and, of course, delicious cullinary masterpieces. If we were rich, like, say...the remaining 300,000 or so assholes who keep their immense riches only for themselves and therefore actually DESERVE to be eaten, then you're more likely to be kidnapped by Arab terrorists and beheaded because your family doesn't "negotiate" with terrorists (nor do they give 3-shits about you, jackass) than eaten. You see, serial-killers are the poor-man's Arab terrorists who hold you hostage for a ransom, which, like most things reserved for the poor, sucks WAAAY MORE than what rich people get.

I should have known Chicken McNuggets didn't come "Pre-Chewed"!!!

So we've covered Serial-Murderers...what about Cannibalistic Serial-Murderers? You might think that Jeffrey Dahmer is the most evil of serial-killers because he also ate his victims. No so. Although he did eat his victims, he is the most evil of serial-killers because he sexually abused and tortured young boys. Eating them was actually the most sane thing he did. I find it difficult to defend cannibalisitic serial-murderers, not because they are cannibalistic, but mostly the whole "murder" part. Assuming that all of Dahmer's victims had in fact died of natural causes, would we still consider him a monster because he just so happened to eat 15 people? Just think about it (if you dare). Why waste a perfectly good 150 or so pounds of meat just because it happens to be part of the human body? For more of an intellectual discussion on the morals of cannibalism, here's a clip from the 1993 movie "Alive".

Skip to about 8:00 for awesome cannibalistic action!

The reason cannibalistic serial-murderers are better than regular, non-cannibalistic serial-murderers has nothing to do with the "serial-murder" part of it but rather with the "cannibalistic" part of it. Here's a "Logical Argument" to help you understand: 

1. If cannibalism is good and murder is bad then Jeffrey Dahmer is a good thing and a bad thing. 

2. Cannibalism is good and murder is bad

___________________________________

3. Jeffrey Dahmer is a good thing and a bad thing

The assumption here, however, is that cannibalism is a "good thing." My job is not only to entertain you with sex jokes and cuss-words, but also to convince you of the positives of cannibalism. If, however, logical analysis is too complicated for you to understand (i.e. you're a dumbass), here's proof you can understand.

It is simply a matter of resources. The average dead body weighs roughly 150 lbs. That's bone, muscle and fat mostly, half of which are edible (mmm, bone marrow). Aside from the obvious benefits of eating the corpse (which were described in my previous article), there are also serveral uses for the inedible portions of the human body, very much like those of our animal counterparts. For instance, they can be used for music. Weaponary. Art. They are even "collected" and used for either scientific purposes or for weirding everyone the fuck out in your neighborhood. According to "the Bone Room," "...it is perfectly legal to posses and sell human bones in the United States." Science has infinite uses for human remains, from curing cancer to making your penis bigger. Either way, woudln't you rather your corpse be used to make a scientific breakthrough than to be eaten by worms, fungi and bacteria? I didn't think so...

You can't spell "FUNERAL" without "FUN"!!!

(view my original post at www.angryclown.blogspot.com)

Look, before you say anything, I know exactly what you're thinking: "I'm using the internet and am NOT currently looking at porn." I can sympathise with that, although this is completely unrelated to today's entry and will therefore will be replaced with an "intellectual conversation" (defined as one which consists of at least a 6th-grade reading level) about cannibalism. And maybe porn...okay, the entire article is about porn.

Above: summation of this entire article

Okay, I lied. Actually, the article IS about cannibalism, but not in the way you would expect. Murdering someone and eating their remains is about one of the worse things one human being can do to another human being. Fortunately, there is nothing in the definition of "cannibal" that involves "killing someone". That attribute is reserved for murderers. And Dick Cheney.

This is his idea of "self-help"

Cannibalism simply involves the consumption of human flesh. Sorry all you stalkers out there, but eating the hair you found on a comb in Linsey Lohan's dumpster does not make you a cannibal (hair isn't flesh moron), although it does mean that you and I have at least one thing in common (call me!). But seriously you guys, just think about it for a moment. Aren't funerals such a WASTE? A Funeral is the only thing that costs more than $5,000 that NOBODY has a good time during. Not even your alcoholic, gay uncle Frederick and his Asian sex-slave/accountant Fred have a good time, and to him, EVERY-FUCKING-DAY is a party!

In today's financial market, sex-slave is the #1 job-choice for accountants!

As far as the costs are concerned, there's the casket to think about; the mortician to "beautify" the body; the food to feed the guests...does anyone see where I'm going with this? If so, then you're one sick bastard (call me!). You can replace the casket with a silver platter, the mortician with a chef and the food with...you guessed it, the dead guy, because let's be honest, he's been given a free ride for FAAAR too long. It's about time he pulls his own (albiet dead) weight. The body of the deceased, instead of rotting in the ground waiting to be sodomized by crack-addicted necropheliacs, would instead be sodomized by crack-addicted necropheliacs after FIRST being eaten by your grieving yet thankful (for all the money you saved them) family.

Either the Japanese are completely insane, or they do the weirdest shit just to

fuck with us.

Now, before you call your local Congressman to prevent such a trend from spreading, don't you worry. I only operate my business in the U.S. Minor Outlying Islands, which I fucking DARE you to point to on a map. For Christ's sake, you can't even point to your OWN country on a map. Not even a U.S. map that has written, in all capital letters, "THIS IS A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, DUMASS!"

That's it, I'm moving to Great Britain! Now where's my butt-plug...

Still not convinced of American inferiority? How about THIS:

Want more unbelievably useless and possibly psychologically scarring social commentary? Look below for more details (and quite possibly free pornography)!

Project Julio

Conceived in the womb when I was a mere zygote, Project Julio is now the internet's #1 underground comedy blog in Communist China! Taiwan Rules!

http://projectjulio.blogspot.com

satire, social commentary, politics and political incorrect-itude

By King's Decree: Amateur Comedian Bloggers UNITE!

Conclusion:

...So, I propose that all you non-cracked.com/video/picture bloggers out there who have something at the very least mildly amusing to say, I hereby extend my hideiously deformed hand (which also was horribly burned in a fire and embedded with glass in a near-fatal car accident) and ask of you your friendship...as well as partnership in an alliance the world has NEVER SEEN!!! I intend to unite comedy bloggers such as yourselves under one flag; to create a democratic nation of bloggers whose sole purpose is to produce quality comedy in the face of mindless photoshopped images of cats and dick jokes. Here are but a few members of this new project, a project I hereby refer to as "HUMOR-BLOG.COM'!!!...darnit, that's already a website I just found out about after I wrote this article. I guess "PROJECT JULIO!" will do for now...:

www.Krapsody.com: web-blog created by a magical African American who goes only by the pseudonym "Static." It is about, well, topics of a politically incorrect nature (such as Russian prostitutes and the illegal trade of Yak's milk) which oddly enough do not involve (as far as we know) magical African Americans such as Shak, Michael Jordan and Bill Clinton.

http://angryclown.blogspot.com/: web-blog created by the spawn of Satan, Damian. Unfortunatley, Satan isn't exactly a one-woman outcast angel of death. Suffice to say, being the "son of Satan" is similar to having "at least one homoerotic experience" or "having unprotected sex with an underaged asian hooker named "Charleen...san." Having his father's temper and his mother's desire to have sex with Satan, Damian makes angry tyrades about important issues such as "cellular phone kiosks that you see in the mall," and "that guy at work who you plan to rob next week after he gets off of work because he's such a total DICKFACE I HOPE HE DIES!!!!!" Like I said, he's a bit angry... 

30 MINUTES AGO...before I came up with this awesome conclusion about creating a coalition of comedy bloggers in order to combat the evil "LoLcats" and "Hey, look at thsi video of some guy getting whacked in the balls!"

My worst enemy...en Espanol.

Introductory paragraph thing where I "introduce" you to a potentially offensive, racist tyrade: 

The internet is a big BIG world, or, as some (e.g. Sen. Ted Stevens; no one else) would say, "a series of tubes!!!," consisting of millions of people who are only a click away. Granted, most of these people are under the age of 18, and half of the other half that is over 18 consists of closet-homosexual internet gamers who live in the basement of their parent's garage (which is also itself a basement) and pretend to be women in order to entrap heterosexual virgins (on sites such as match.com; eharmony.com; heterovirgin.com) who are so desperate for sex that they may be willing to forego their sexuality for one anonymous night with an overweight man who promises to be gentle but never calls even though he said he would and DAMN YOU ROBBY YOU BROKE MY HEART AND STOLE MY ANAL VIRGINITY!!!...but I digress.

Oh, so THAT'S how old people think the internet works. No wonder I have to constantly tell my 

grandfather why a 12 lb. pipe-wrench is NOT required to open internet explorer...

So, being that "the internets" is such a huge place, can someone explain to me why there are SO MANY comedy blogs and websites yet so FEW of these blogs make it to the top of the Digg.com list without involving a video or cartoon of some sort. Is there something about complex sentence structure and figures of speech that are too painful to process mentally and therefore requires a 4-square cartoon or 30 second you-tube video to summarize without using such frontal-lobe related formats? 

Internet humor in the year 2050

If that isn't enough of a pain in the ass for all you Liberal Arts majors with an internets connection, here's another: there seems to be a monopoly stranglehold on written comedy on the web. The only "written comedy" website I can find on Digg is from www.cracked.com . That's it. I went through the past YEAR of Digg articles and guess who's always on top: silly pictures of cats (lolcat), videos which find it necessary to expain that Barack Obama is black (really? I thought he was Asian!) and articles from Cracked.com. 

Oh, I get it now! ROF to the L (shoot me now)!!!

Happily controlling 3rd place as the internet's comedy medium, cracked.com proudly publishes on topics such as "boobs"; "comics, toys and cartoons (that we grew up with which necessarily means that it is funny)"; and of course, penises. Go ahead and type in any of those there words/phrases and you pretty much will find every article on there. You see, when you force your webpage into a "list" format, you pretty much have to make at least one bullet point about either of those three things or else you'll lose your audience. They say explicitly on their forums that "We do not do satire, parody, character pieces or stories," or other complex forms of written expression. Only lists. And only about things that will either kill you, destroy the world and involve sex, violence or a cool picture that doesn't require photoshopping. No, I'm serious. There are entire articles about pictures and how these pictures were not photoshopped. Simply amazing/brilliant/lolcats!!! (that's called sarcasm, btw, a simplified of irony which involves using a que to imply the opposite of what was said. Bastards)!

You see, they really didn't REMOVE THE BABY'S HEAD...they are just taking the photo

at an angle...HAHA/ROFLCOPTER/NIEL DIAMOND!!!

Conclusion: (wait...didn't I do this part already in a sort-of "here is the ending now let us see the process of how we got here, ooooooh I get it now?" How about a video of Ted Stevens yelling "NO!" at our democratic political system?!)

Heath Ledger dies...but not before he banged the Olsen Twins while snorting cocaine. Awesome.

Luckily for Mr. Ledger, most children aren't smart enough to make "ledger" jokes.
Luckily for me, I have dictionary.com

Heath Ledger (who was born with a name which involves the ill-conceived combination of a chocolate toffee bar and a book used to record transactions) is dead. I hereby express my sympathy to all you hugely gay-men who got hugely gay-boners while watching him makeout with Jake Gyllenhaal in "Brokeback Mountain" while sitting next to your, at the time, EXTREMELY uncomfortable straight friend (whom you obviously have a crush on) who decided to see it with you as a joke, and began to immediately regret that decision during the intense and painfully passionate scenes of anal gay-sex during which, by the way, you were obviously sporting both a huge boner AS WELL AS a facial expression which expressed intrigue, suspense and extremely homoerotic fantasies involving your straight friend who has been in the bathroom for, like, 30 minutes, probably because of that period of 15 minutes (immediately after the first sex scene) where you stared at him while breathing heavily and rubbing his very tight-fisted and reluctant hand against your crotch...

Wow. Not only was that the longest structurally valid sentence in recorded history, but also probably the gayest (even moreso than "OMG, I want gay sex...NOW IN 3-D!!!"). But I digress.

For some unknown reason, all of the 3-D glasses in the movie 

theater are stuck together...

What you really came here for was the news that HEATH LEDGER FUCKED THE OLSEN TWINS (yes, really, we're not making this up) WHILE SNORTING COCAINE. While all of you may be a bit ambivalent about having sex with twin sisters whom you've basically known since childhood (making them both ALMOST family,) as well as the vivid memory you hold of them as 11-year-olds, you also know that, deep within your loins, you not only want to bang them to kingdom cum (pun intended), but if you had thought of it, you would do so while snorting an 8-ball, because, hey, why the fuck not (you're already banging the Olsen twins, so what've you got to lose?!)

Sure, they may not be considered as "attractive" as most of the Hollywood elite (Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie), but god damnit, they sure are YOUNGER (Ms. Berry is the ripe age of 42, and Jolie is 33), and though the Olsens are in their early 20's by now, they sure as fuck don't look it. Admit it guys...you still have a thing for all those 16-year-old girls that you didn't date in high school because they only dated college guys (and also b/c they were waaaay to hot for you, and you were a total loser who brought his Star Wars collectable action figures to school in a special, gold-embroidered glass-case). You poor nerd.

The Prom date I ACTUALLY wanted...but was too nerdy for. *fap fap fap! sobs

Above: My actual prom date. *sobs farts sobs

I'll be the first to say this: 16-year-old girls are fucking hot. In the 1800's, a girl as early as 12 could get married. To her FIRST cousin (I'm looking at YOU, Edgar Allen Poe...and you too Jerry Lee Lewis!)

Here is my point: I am NOT advising anyone to marry their 12 or 13-year-old first cousin. Nor am I suggesting you should stalk 16-year old girls. It's disgusting, not to mention ILLEGAL. But I AM saying that the acceptable age of consent, and therefore beauty, has changed over the course of human existence. It is completely natural to be attracted to a 16-year-old who has a fully developed body and who is already sexually active (citation needed/awesome). At 16, their bodies are at peak child-bearing age, which means that they pretty much have perfect bodies without even having to try...though there is much less scientific evidence (i.e. NONE ) to justify pre/post-marital sex with the following:

This was "HOT" by 1842 standards. In the year 282 B.C., a 
fertilized egg was the subject of many an erotic cave painting.

Editor's note: I am starting to sound like (and currently AM) a total pervert with no formal education in history, and will therefore rethink how to focus this article AWAY from 16-year-old girls (and history), though I am not sure if I know how...speaking of which...

Google.com: enter search: 16-year-old girls: 1,000,000 + infinity results found (20 minutes later) "Look officer, her website SAID she was 18..." <--- Not directly related to personal experience...it was for a friend who was...doing...research on the subject.

Oh Pedro, didn't Napoleon teach you better than that? Your

political career is ruined...

Want MORE hilarious pedophile traps? "To Catch a Predator" has to be the most HILARIOUS thing ever invented other than the Mad TV spoof. Plus, the decoy is friggin' hot...at least that's what I said during my closing statement at the trial. I also proposed marriage to Chris Hansen.

If you don't like America...

I am at work today, so today's blog will be short, simple, to the point and entirely ripped-off from a South Park episode. Enjoy: