Ted Kennedy: Dead or Alive?

Hahaha! Everyone thinks I"m dead...lawl!!!

"Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) died Tuesday of brain cancer" is something that a liberal newspaper, website or radio station might have you believe. Popular website "Dead or Alive," which keeps track of famous deaths, has, through no fault of its own, fallen for this liberal rouse and listed Ted Kennedy as deceased. The objective of this post is to convince you, the reader, that Sen. Ted Kennedy is not only alive and well, but also behind the Socialist conspiracy of the Obama administration and government run euthanasia.

Exhibit A: Where is the Original Death Cirtificate?

How do we know that Ted Kennedy is dead if we don't have a Death Cirtificate? What has been released by the Kennedy campaign is a "Cirtificate of Live Death." This is the same thing that his brother, John Kennedy, supplied after his "assassination" 40 years ago, and as we all know, the CIA exiled him to Cuba. What I have found on the internet is Kennedy's REAL Death Cirtificate...his KENYAN Death Cirtificate. Because we now know for a fact that Kennedy died in Kenya, it only follows that Kenney is ineligible for the position of President of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA).

Exhibit B: Ted Kennedy is not a Citizen of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA)

Sources in the afterworld have revealed to me, after hours of intensive mediTation/mediCation, that Ted Kennedy arrived in the Kenyan entrance of Heaven, referred to as the "Pewter Gates" due to a shortage of gold. He later entered the GUSA embasy and was transported via cloud-car to the Continental GUSA. My sources in the socialist GUSA have also informed me that Kennedy has already been appointed to the GUSA Senate and has drafted legislation that includes Government run "life-panels".

Exhibit C: If Ted Kennedy is a member of the GUSA Senate, doesn't that mean he's dead?

Yes. But the definition of intelligence is the ability to hold two contardictory beliefs without discomfort. Being an intelligent fellow, it follows that Ted Kennedy is BOTH dead AND alive. The liberal media, however, would like you to think that contradictions are wrong, but in fact they are a normal part of U.S. politics. Don't believe me? Just see for yourself:

Washington D.C. No, seriously, this is the capital of the USA. I bet you thought

this was Africa. You were WRONG

He sure looks hungry...Yup, go ahead, have ANOTHER BITE...you're starving, aren't you?

HEY FATASS, STOP EATING ALL THOSE FLIES...we own those flies. You work for us, now

Yea...support our troops...unless they come back crazy. Then FUCK 'EM!

Republican Medicare Recipients Don't Support Gov't Health Care

Death Panels...coming to a Town Hall meeting near you.

Study finds surprising results

A new study, released yesterday by the Associated Press, has found out that "old (65 and older), white, Republicans with a High School education or lower" don't support Barack Obama's current push for Government Health Insurance. The study also found that the level of racism involved in this opposition is 100x higher than in the general population, as are feelings of "fear, anger and hostility" and a general disdain for "accurate and factual representations of the issue(s)."

I don't want NO Gov'ment in MY Medicade

Also, people within this same demographic, "old, white, republican with a high school education or lower," were 15x more likely to believe disproven assertions, including "Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen," "The Government will insate Death Panels to kill your grandmother" and "Suddam Hussein hired illegal immigrants to provide abortions for non-abstinent athiest teens and ALSO built WMD (and nuclear weapons) for Al Quaeda Death-Panels during 9/11, ALL while forging Barack Obama's birth cirtificate...and oh, God Bless 'Merica!"

Fear tactics taken to their logical conclusion

ALSO...if Obama's Health Care proposals are passed...THIS will happen:

"Medicare: Good...but Government Health Insurance: Baaad" Wait...WTF!?

Most shocking, however, are the results of a government questionaire, also released yesterday, that shows that 60% of people on Medicare don't know that fact that "Medicare is provided by the government." --- Wait, did I just hear that right? You CAN'T be serious...you CANNOT seriously say to me "I'm on Medicare and I want to keep my Medicare...but 'Government Insurance' will kill me." Do these people SERIOUSLY not realize that Medicare IS GOVERNMENT HEALTH INSURANCE?! Do I SERIOUSLY have to debunk such a ridiculous myth? How is that even a "myth"? That's like debunking the "flat Earth" and the "sky is not blue" and the "dry ocean" myths!

Seriously. Seriously? SERIOUSLY! Are you telling me that the same people who think like this are allowed on our roadways? How do they know that "red" means stop and "green" means go if they don't understand that Medicare is Government Health Insurance? How do they know that "feed a bear by hand" is dangerous and "pet a cute bunny rabbit" is good? That "hot" means don't touch and "cool" means do touch? You use "soap and water" to wash your hands and not "feces and urine"? That "clear water" is to drink and "brown-reddish water" is not to drink? This all begs the question: How are these people still alive? Why hasn't their stupidity killed them yet?

Bill Clinton Secures Release of Entire North Korean Population

Bill Clinton, Kim Jong Il and 18 million North Koreans

Former President Bill Clinton has secured the release of not only the two American journalists, but also the entire population of North Korea. According to sources within the White House, Clinton initially bonded with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il through a series of insults directed at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He then asked Kim Jong Il "please" and then "pretty please" to release the Americans. However, when Clinton added, "pretty please...with a cherry on top," Kim Jong Il removed his 'Elton John' replica sunshades and, with a look of utter awe in his tiny squinting eyes, released the entire oppressed population of his country over to Mr. Clinton.

"I'm very proud of my husband," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "It's absurd, though, to think of Bill's actions as a case of male egoism usurping a female's authority. He trusts me; I mean, sometimes he lets me answer the phone by myself AND go to the bathroom without asking," she added.

"They (the North Korean people) all suffered from a similar plight to those journalists," said former President Bill Clinton, "It would look like favoritism if I only rescued 'Americans' from the iron fist and ostentatious lesbian sunglasses of Kim Jong Il." The former president has already written a memoir of his historic diplomatic mission, including a section devoted entirelly to the insults directed towards Hillary Clinton during the discussions. Among those included in the draft are:

1. You might look like a lesbian, Kim, but my wife...let's just say she gets more pussy than a box of tampons! Oh Right!

2. Bill...your wife, she's rather like a bronze statue of myself during the winter months: freezing cold and, uhm...covered in bronze!

3. Kim, that didn't make any sense...much like my wife's campaign in the Democratic Primary! Heyoooo!!!