Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Robotic Para"OMFG"Olympics Chicken Embarrassment Post

an inappropriate gesture And Yet Another Senseless Guest Post by Static As If It Were Possible You Think Out Loud To Yourself

Hey everyone. How the hell are ya?

I wanted to address the list of offenses we (may) have created, especially with our last posts. We..or I should say I (since Julio is insensitive to paraplegics, and everyone on the planet actually, including me).. I would like to offer an apology to anyone who is truly offended by our shock blogging, especially regarding the Para"OMFG"Olympics, and the Robot Chicken posts.

If you are paraplegic or quadraplegic, it is no laughing matter how you ended up as such, and nobody should make fun of that. I also offer my heartfelt sympathies for any Robot Chicken or Dharma and Greg lovers out there.

However, it can be considered pretty funny if you are a Robot Chicken loving paraplegic, who fully understands the risks of being a Robot Chicken lover, and engaging in competitive sports that result in a pile-up of wheelchairs on the race track.

christopher reeves embarrassment
Chris Reeves says: Stop yer whining!

Would Christopher Reeves be offended by any of that? Probably not. He was a go-getter, and a head strong individual with a thick skin...or perhaps he was a weak spined individual with a thick skull, we haven't made that determination yet.

Anyway...Do you think he would be offended by a picture of himself faced with having to enter a non-handicap accessible heaven? I think he would be pissing himself...with laughter (not just because he often pissed himself for lack of bladder control.)

I find that people who are easily offended are:
  • a.) Uptight people who have to find something to bemoan about, or they feel their lives have no purpose otherwise
  • b.) Uptight people who recently experienced that which is being made fun of
  • c.) Uptight people who know someone who is uptight with what is being made fun of
  • d.) Uptight people who are uptight about everything in general
  • e.) All of the above

So to you folks who are classified as anything contained above, you need to loosen up a bit. Here are some tips on how to accomplish this without embarrassment.

fugly fat arse Loosening Up is Done by Letting Go
No, no. Don't let yourself go. Let go! There is only one thing we need to control, and that is our own reactions. And the way to control our reactions is to loosen up by letting go. This is but one subtle way of letting go. So get naked and run down the street, start talking to a stranger at the bus stop; ask them for the time - which will be hilarious, because well, y'know..YOU'RE NAKED! What do YOU need a watch or know the time for? Chances are, if you're naked, you have nowhere to be except prison. After getting naked and asking some random person for the time, then slowly rip a really loud fart in front of a large group of people. Remember, letting go takes love.

kiss a monkeys butt Observing Through Self-Observation is Important
Loosen up pal. Go to the zoo. Hang out and watch the monkeys and apes for awhile. These are your direct relatives. Get in touch with them and get in touch with that side of yourself. Observe the monkeys observing you. They only wish to emulate you because you are pretty smart...for a monkey. While you're at it. Go play with them, maybe the zookeepers will mistake you for one and lock you in with the monkeys removing you from "normal" society.

narcissist Loosening Up and Letting Go is Freedom (as covered above)
It is our own self-observation that is the key to this higher order of awareness. Self-observation allows us to understand. The silent observer that lives within does not think, it sees light of our new understanding. This higher freedom comes in direct proportion to what we are willing to learn about ourselves. The next time you decide to judge someone else's stupidity..think of your own for a moment before you do. After an hour long narcissistic rage, you'll remember that even you are not perfect..your chances at perfection are about 300 Billion:1 (only Julio and myself are that close to perfection). Just keep licking the mirror, you'll eventually get it.

hand job Have the Right Intention
Be a willing participant and look in the right direction. At first it will be humiliating to see and then admit that you only thought you were in the driver seat. The good news is we are never trapped by where we are. The trap is always who we are. To learn how to loosen up by letting go can help you to inwardly grow and the easier your whole life flows. That's why you need to don a turban, and give a hand job to the first middle eastern man you see. As I said previously, letting go takes love. Lots and lots of it. And if and when you think you've given too much, that's when you need to give MOAR!

shit chest Want What Life Wants
It is not what life has brought you that you don't want. It is your reactions that turn the gift of life into the resentment of it. It is your own ideas about life that have failed you. What happens when you want what you want? You become nervous and anxious because life may not cooperate with your plans. We were not made in our own image. When you want what life wants you are never disappointed with what happens. Even if life wants to take a huge dump on your chest, and then it does.

drunken regrets Letting Go of Regret
Do not look back at regret. Regret only ties you to the old life level that doesn't know better and keeps you from the one that does. Let the fighting end. Don't let the current of the past dictate the direction of the present. It is never right to feel wrong, no matter how right you think you are. And even if you're right, you're wrong (unless you are me or Julio.) So don't regret the oh-so-wrong and stupid decision to get drunk one morning and tattoo a checkerboard on your face. Coz that's one rad checkerboard..on yer ugly puss, dumbass!

So ya see, it's really not that hard to let go and loosen up. Especially where shock blogging is concerned. It's just so much easier to not give a shit.

And if it's too hard for you to do that, then you are just going to be disappointed by everything and have quite the uphill battle, moron. So good luck with that, you depraved flea-infested unfortunate occurrence of unprotected intercourse and heart-sickening sub-literate simpletons!

Oops..seems I need another lesson in letting get over it. That's right. I'm a dick, sometimes. Because there are moments where I just don't care give a shit. Until next time pinheads.

You can find more about Letting Go and Static Being a Total Dick goddammit simply by f@#king visiting:

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Julio said...

Touche' my dear contributor. This certainly is a website geared towards letting go...of one's own tightened bowels. The tighter the bowels, the more this website aims to loosen them. Thanks for your ever-so constant reminders of how important it is to develop non-medical ways of ending self-induced egotistical constipation!

~Static~ said...

My pleasure, Julio.
Nothing brings me greater joy then loosening, not only my own bowels, but the bowels of our reader(s)..assuming there is more than one..or zero, excluding you and yours truly. But even if I have loosened only your bowels, then I have taken a step in the right direction.

As it happens, letting go...of one's own tightened bowels is a difficult, and embarrassing proposition. But it is vitally important to our survival as a species.

My goal is to induce selfless diarrhea!

Tricia said...

That is so GROSS!! I was trying to figure out what those two girls were doing. It took about 45 seconds to a minutes, just staring. So disgusting!!! The one was pooing on the other!!! DIRTY!

~Static~ said...

@ Tricia - Brilliant powers of observation. =)

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