Friday, February 27, 2009

MP3 Players Kill Teens, Prove Natural Selection

According to NPR, a teen was recently run-over by a train. This normally would be hilarious to me; since the incident occurred because the teen was too busy listening to his I-Pod, however, it can (and should) now be hilarious to anyone. The story, entitled, "With MP3 Player On, Teen Didn't Hear Train," fails to envoke the sympathy one would expect from NPR. Their second attempt, "Caution: Walking And Cell Phones Don't Mix," in fact, envokes even further suspicion as to the intelligence level of the anticipated audience, which surely cannot be anyone who reads NPR, let alone knows what it is. This is why, if I could travel in time to that day with just enough time to save him of his impending death...I don't think that I would do it. Darwin and I both agree that nature is perfectly capable of handling this case all by itself.

Darwin will learn you Pictures, Images and Photos
Darwin, the first and only heterosexual bird-watcher

Thus, we arrive at the topic of this article. Think about the turtles hatching on the beach and head towards the ocean. Though we hope for their safe arrival, it is not humanity's place to interfere with natural selection by unloading a 12-guage semi-automatic shotgun into the hawks and other carnivorous animals that try to eat them. In the same way, human evolution also incorporates natural selection, which for you idiots out there means that only those "fit" to survive until procreation are allowed to pass their genes onto future generations.  
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Thanks to a twist of fate and/or God's twisted sense of irony, teen Joshua White was never 
allowed to pass on his curse/genes onto future generations...why ironic? He was an avid 
listening to Christian music, and was probably listening to it at the time of his death...where 
was "GOD" then? Hopefully, he was busy saying the following:
"Our God is an awesome god he reigns..FUCK, JOSHUA, LOOKOUT FOR THAT...ah, 
fuck it, you're a dumbass anyway."

Now let us return to the teen who was hit by a train because his MP3 player was "too loud." He was deliberately walking on the train tracks. Even if we assume that the teen never saw the movie "Stand by Me," we can assume that he knows that train tracks exist for the sole purpose of moving trains. Similarly, roads exist for the sole purpose of moving vehicles. As a result, there is not a single person out there who feels a need to inform the public of the dangers of "crossing the road without looking both ways." Yet, for some reason, the "San Francisco Transport Agency" feels the need to inform the public of the dangers of "walking in front of a moving train...while listening to music!" Seriously...THERE'S A PUBLIC AWARENESS CAMPAIGN on the "DANGERS of WALKING in FRONT of TRAINS"...Idiocracy was right, this country is going to SHIT if our future leaders can't walk from point A to B without getting hit by the LARGEST VEHICLES in the world (i.e. trains, moron)!

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Beethoven? Are people who listen to Beethoven really that stupid (why not Jay-Z)? Or instead is the ad demonstrating that even deaf people manage to avoid being killed by trains, thereby multiplying the stupidity required for such an event to occur...

I apologize if I seem insensitive, but if you are 16 years old and do NOT understand the concept of "a 100 ton train moving at 60 mph will CRUSH you instantly," perhaps this world is not for you. Would you want such a mentally deficient teen driving on the same roads as your teen whom you raised to live in the same reality as everyone else? There should be a similar ad campaign entitled, "Hey there, idiot...please stand on the X below this sign. Now walk three steps to your right. If you're still reading this, you probably weren't just hit by a train... CONGRATULATIONS!!!" This would reduce the cost of entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, Welfare, etc. by weeding people out of our society who are too smart to be considered "retarded" yet too stupid to be considered "not retarded." I'm looking at you, guy who asks "do you serve hot coffee..." at a coffee shop. I'm sorry, we only serve COLD JUICE HERE. DUMBASS!!! Anyway, it would be a good campaign is all I'm saying.

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