Friday, September 4, 2015

"Lincoln on Ice" to be the most expensive "On Ice" Production in Disney's History

"Lincoln on Ice" is currently the most expensive "on ice" production in Disney history.
It's also the worst idea since "bread in a can"

Disney has finally jumped the shark. I get how they have "iced" every single Disney movie ever made, and how they even make Disney films based on the ease of "iceification." Come on, did you really think that "Frozen on Ice" wasn't planned out from the very beginning? That's like saying "Transformers" never planned on being a TV show or that "Power Rangers" didn't plan on making our children gay. Come on, each ranger is a different color of the rainbow, in skin tight suits? We all know "morph" is gay slang for the human centipede! Did you really think we wouldn't catch on Bandai?




Lincoln on ice presumably will find a tough time booking shows in the South, where there is a large segment of the population who actually resent their bitter defeat during the Civil War. Far from regretting the fact that their war was one designed to protect slavery, they outright deny it! "Southern Pide" is their motto, a motto almost identical to, and one could argue synonymous with, "White Pride." Racism aside, the shame of Southern defeat looms heavily over anything related to the Civil War, particularly Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln leading the charge at the Battle of the Bulge

Who knows, maybe they'll write two versions of the play. In the North will be the historically accurate version, and in the South, it's actually Lincoln who secedes. The show climaxes when General Lee kicks Lincoln in the balls and "lets" the United States back into the union. He's even generous enough to let them keep the same name. What a nice guy.

General Lee, the first man on the moon in the year 1893.


Either way, I look forward to seeing the hilarious youtube pirated footage from what will likely be the worst thing on ice since those crappy shrimp appetizers every douchebag brings to the party.

Me: WE NEED THE ICE FOR THE BEER, JERRY, SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING SHRIMP?! WHO THE HELL LIKES TO EAT COLD SHRIMP? 

Douchey Jerry: Well, you said to bring food

Me: Yea, "PARTY" FOOD! LIKE CHIPS, AND SALSA, AND PIZZA. NOT FUCKING SHRIMP! YOU MIGHT AS WELL FUCKING BRING OVER SOME SPAGHETTI SAUCE AND MAKE A GODDAMN LASAGNA

Douchey Jerry: I've actually got some spaghetti sauce in the car if you want

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT? I WANT TO GO BACK AND TIME. AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY JERRY?

D.J. (Douchey Jerry): To tell me to bring chips?

Me: No, not to tell you to bring chips. I want to go back in time, FIND YOUR MOM, BANG HER WHILE SHE'S PREGNANT WITH YOU (but doesn't realize it yet), MAKE HER THINK THE CHILD IS MINE, AND THEN JERRY, I'M GOING TO CONVINCE HER TO HAVE AN ABORTION! THAT WAY YOU WERE NEVER BORN, AND THE WORLD IS ONE LESS IDIOT AWAY FROM DESTROYING ITSELF!

*I look around, and realize that everyone's staring at me. I look, and I've now got my hands wrapped firmly around Jerry's neck. Before I realize what's going on, I hear a snap. Jerry's lifeless body collapses to the floor. I've gone too far this time, and there's no turning back*



No comments:

Recent Posts

Popular Posts

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...