100 Ways to Grill a lolCat

 Killing a cat is quite easy, even for a child (I killed my first cat in-utero!). But once task is complete, i.e., once the proverbial cat is killed, what then is left for man to do? Do you roast over an open flame? Obviously you should inject it with barbecue sauce, but should this be done pre- or post-mortem? For all these answers and more, read on!

100 Ways to Grill a Cat

Way 100: Giant Super Cat

The first step to grilling a cat is to choose exactly which cat it is you’re going to grill. My first suggestion is a rather simple recipe. Just breed or bio-engineer a giant super-cat capable of killing a lion in a single bite. Then eat that lion. Then cut off the super-cat’s head and take a photo. Oh, and don’t forget the grillin’ sauce!!!

Way 85: Chinese Cat Market

Get your fresh cat meat here! Freeeesh cat meat

In America, “cruelty to animals” only refers to small, cuddly house-mammals; in China, however, anything that moves (especially baby girls!) is on the menu! The Chinese are a polite peoples, and will happily de-fur, skin, torture and finally kill the cat of your choice. Also, if you buy 5 cats, you get a baby girl FREE!

Way 70: Blowtorch

China's great...you don't even need Photoshop! They really do this shit!

After injecting your cat-of-choice with your sauce-of-choice, don’t forget to cook it with your hand-held blow-torch of choice. A simple butane flame will work fine, but for a quick cook, I would suggest a military-grade flame-thrower.

                                              

Way 50: Cat-Burger

Cute...and delicious!

God only knows what’s inside of a hamburger (Chinese baby girls?). Why  not eat the devil you know instead of the devil you don’t with CAT-BURGERS! You can eat them live (as seen above) or dead, have them minced or grounded, deep fried or boiled in cheese.
That’s it for today folks. For more ways to kill and subsequently eat a lolCat, tune in for the next installment. Or just use your imagination…who am I kidding. I’ll get you more dead cats by Tuesday!

The Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator: Just blame it on the Liberals

Pat Robertson: The Man


As we all know, ever since God accidentally created Pat Robertson from a mutated fragment of Hitler's DNA, Liberals have been a bigger scapegoat for all society's woes than the Jews, 9/11 and violent video-games put together. But this idea is anything but original, as this Conservative axiom of "Just blame it on the Liberals" has gone unchanged throughout human history. Whether it be when the Liberal Jews decided to follow Jesus, thereby forcing the Conservative Jews to kill him in order to "conserve" their corrupt power structure. Or when the Liberal Jews in 1930's Germany decided to own successful businesses, thereby forcing the Conservative White Anglo-Saxon Protestants to "conserve" their awful business philosophies by committing genocide. Or when the Liberals of the USA promoted gay rights, thereby forcing God to arrange 70 virgins for each of the 9/11 hijackers. Or when the Western Liberals of the late 1800's ended the slave trade, thereby creating a pact with the devil, thereby causing the Haitian revolution, thereby forcing Satan to cause the 7.0 magnitude Earthquake that killed over 150,000 Haitian civilians.

You see, in Pat Robertson's world, and the ignorant wackjobs who provide him with a forum to create that world, the Liberals are to blame for all the world's problems. It is the conservatives, rather, who solve those problems by doing nothing. For you see, nothing can really be a problem if you resign yourself to hopelessness and decide that all problems are unsolvable.

Pat Robertson: The Bullshit


Bullshit was invented by "Dr." (Ph.D in Bullshit) Pat Robertson, circa 33 B.C. (or as the ATHEISTS/LIBERALS say, B.C.E.). The height of this achievement, however, did not occur until early 2010, when Pat "horse manure" Robertson stated as fact that Haiti was "cursed" after a "pact with the devil." Unfortunately for Mr. Robertson, this is somewhat based in fact, but not in the way that he thinks. You see, the myth of the Haitian pact with the devil was originally crafted by the Haitians themselves, and used as a weapon against their enslavers. During the Haitian revolution, Haitian general (a black general...IMPOSSIBLE!) Toussaint L'Ouverture used the ignorant superstitions of the Europeans (regarding African black-magic) as a weapon against Haiti's oppressors.

You see, Toussaint used an especially painful poison to assassinate enemy generals and afterwards openly claimed to have been using "black magic" to cause those deaths. The fear spread by these superstitions aided in reducing the morale of French troops. This increase in fear led to frequent retreats by French forces during battle, and also reduced French support for the war effort. You see, Mr. Robertson is not CRAZY...no, it is the cunning intellect of 17th century Haitians that serves to prove that Pat Robertson is STUPID. He's an ignorant, superstitious egomaniac, much like the French slave owners in Haiti over 200 years ago. Pat Robertson is just the kind of racist idiot that the "black magic" myth was intended to fool.


Pat Robertson: Just Blame it on the Liberals


Recently revealed on krapsody.com is a list of persons, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of God." Below, we here at Project Julio will provide a list of person's, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of Liberals." Oh, and if you're looking instead for a "Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator," just follow this simple formula: "Problem X" is/was caused by "Liberal Group Y" because of "Liberal Action Z". Example: 9/11 (x) was caused by Homosexuals (y) because of Double-fisted anal/penile penetration (z)

Project Julio Presents: The Official 2010 Pat Robertson "Acts of Liberals":

*The Making, and epic failure of, Kevin Costner's film "Waterworld"
*Itchy Wool Sweaters
*9/11: see above example for details
*Kevin Costner
*The hole in the Ozone Layer: because liberals starved the Ozone Layer of its precious CFC's.
*Oxycontin: the only drug that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Rush Limbaugh
*Earthquake in Haiti: due to the terrible events known as the "Abolition of Slavery"
* Pedophilia: the only affliction that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Republican Congressman Mark Foley
*The Civil Rights act of 1964: "since when did MONKEY'S have the right to vote?!"
*Hurricane Katrina: again, double-fisted anal/penile penetration is responsible
*Reality: for having an "inherently liberal bias" - Stephen Colbert
and finally...
*The View: double-fisted anal/penile penetration...AGAIN

In Recession, Even Hobo Job Market Suffers

Temporary manual labor, once thought to be the most secure form of employment, has decreased by 11% this year, according to a report released by the Hiring Occupation Business Observer (HOBO). The report goes on to suggest that this 11% decreased in reported unemployment has trickled over into an 11% increase in unreported back-alley sex labor, including but not limited to:
sexual massage; genital stomping; semen ingestion; double-fisted anal penetration; rabbit stuffing (anally); semen ingestion (anally); single-fisted anal penetration; watching the 1st season of “House” on DVD (anally); bringing coupons to a grocery store only to find out that they expired the day before…followed by triple-fisted anal/penile penetration; watching Taylor Swift host SNL (not inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); and sock-puppet theater (inside someone’s ass).

(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick

Temporary manual labor, however, has consistently been a safety net for the unemployed, divorced, homeless or otherwise socially unbound individual. For instance, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8 1894, it was declared that “Always try to find work, even if it is temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.” However, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8, 2009, it was declared “Does anybody have any spare change? Wait, of course no one does, we’re all hobos…Anyway, as I was saying. Always try to find work, even if it’s temporary, and even if it’s “Things I do in a back-ally to buy alcohol, including but not limited to:
sexual foot-massage; genital mutilation; conducting model trains while not wearing shirts (with mutual touching); quadruple-fisted anal/penile penetration; baby stomping; watching an entire season of “How I Met Your Mother” (which isn’t inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); reading Sarah Palin’s book “Going Rogue” (which is both inherently sexual AND self-degrading); biting the head off of a squirrel; and stamp-collecting (inside someone’s ass).”

Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick

This obvious shift in hobo-attitude over the past century cannot only be blamed on the hobos themselves. Once the pioneers of entrepreneurship and freedom, hobos have become imprisoned by their poverty instead of being empowered by their freedom. According to the HOBO report, this shift in hobo philosophy can be traced back to the Great Depression, where the population of hobos quadrupled, thereby flooding the hobo job market. This led to a dilution of the once proud hobo culture, and ushered in the redefinition of “odd job” from “occasional job” to “occasional job of what I believe to be of a sexual nature but I’m not sure because there is nothing inherently sexual about pooping in a fish-bowl.”
Though the Great Depression eventually ended, the deterioration of the hobo culture did not. Still to this day, finding work as a hobo is harder than ever. Misleading and ironic businesses, such as HOBO (Home Owners Bargain Outlet), Hobo Internet, and the Hungry Hobo (restaurant), further mock the plight of the traveling tramp who’s simply down on his luck. Trashcans now come equipped with hobo-proof lids. People no longer throw their trash on the side of the road, and it’s now illegal to throw away plastic bottles. With all these classic hobo jobs now obsolete, where else can a hobo go to make a quick buck, other than a back-alley?

New era of hobo-businessmen

Is Barack Obama a Real Person OR an Elaborate Hoax?

The media is once again focused on the legitimacy of Barack Obama's birth records. Several non-partisan organizations have located valid flaws in the birth certificate presented by the Obama campaign last year, however, it is only recently that experts have uncovered the full extent of the liberal-socialist conspiracy.

The truth, however, is much more frightening than any of us could have anticipated. The conspiracy is embedded deep within the very fabric of all news media, including television, newspapers and even radio. But no matter how far the arms of Socialism extend, they can never fully envelop the Internets. It is here that the vast conspiracy will ultimately unfold. Before you read this, you may want to connect to a secure internet connection to prevent yourself from being identified.

Barack Hussein Obama is a fictional character. Barack H. Obama, a.k.a Barack Saddam Hussein Osama bin Laden, a.k.a. Obama bin Larden is not actually a real (legal or otherwise) human being. He was never born, and therefore was never officially elected to the U.S. presidency. The man we know as "Barack Hussein Obama" is actually played by an actor named "Fred G. Sanford." His persona was created and developed by the extreme left in order to usher us into a socialist-facist state. Shh, keep it on the down-low, if you know what I mean. Knowaddimean?
 

It has been planned for over 12 years since the mid 1990's in response to the growing Conservative movement in this country. The proof of this is undeniable. Doctored photos. Doctored and/or falsified legal documents. Those televised presidential addresses? A robot. Personal appearances at various events. A muppet. The unexpected delivery of your child in the backseat of a taxicab? The mugging on the A-train? The gas station hold up? The night you got raped? Simply some guy (probably some homeless person) who looks like the most elaborate hoax ever created. You name it -- they've done it.

Picture of the U.S. Capitol Building

Doctored version of previous photo featuring Fred G. Sanford as "Barack H. Obama"

Falsified Birth Record provided as evidence of Sanford's pseudonym

Same document with errors exemplified

"The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father" were written in order to further develop "Barack Obama" as a politically viable minority candidate. Soon a national "catastrophe" will occur, and will be used as an excuse to void the Constitution and establish a Socialist-Facist state. U.S. soldiers will enter our homes, disarm us of our weapons and adopt us as property of the State. Good god the end is near. Grab all the tea bags in the house. Head for your basements now and kiss your asses goodbye!

[insert visual image of self kissing own ass here]

PROJECT JULIO HAS MOVED TO WWW.PROJECTJULIO.COM

That's right. It's official. Project Julio is now officially a dot.com, bitch! WWW.PROJECTJULIO.COM

Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos Part I

"Une Hobo," source of my inspiration (as well as my anal warts)!

According to Wikipedia, a "figure of speech" is defined as "a use of a word that diverges from its normal meaning, or a phrase with a specialized meaning not based on the literal meaning of the words in it such as a metaphor, simile, or personification." As you can cleary see in the list below, there are nearly 100 such twists of language, and believe it or not, these are the building blocks of humor as we know it. They are broken up into two categories: Schemes and Tropes. For the sake of entertainment, I will demonstrate each of these with the focus being on hobos.

The overall goal of this project is to increase public awareness that comedy is in fact an art form. Perhaps if they themselves can produce and understand comedic material, comedians such as ourselves won't have to watch cliched sit-coms or listen to the average person's pathetic attempts at conversational improvisation.

Schemes:

§ alliteration: A series of words that begin with the same letter or sound alike

Hidden hobos housed in huts hurriedly hustle to help hydrogenous homosexuals hide their HIV.

§ anacoluthon: A change in the syntax within a sentence

Hobos, though filthy and dumb creatures --- are they not of much amusement to us in their drunken and/or crack-cocaine fueled stupor?

§ anadiplosis: Repetition of a word at the end of a clause at the beginning of another

Homelessness leads to desperation, desperation leads to crime and crime leads back to home. Though that home may be a prison, prisons provide warmth and sustenance whereas sidewalks do not.

§ anaphora: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the beginning of successive clauses

A hobo might smell (badly)
A hobo might light (a cigarette)
A hobo might smell (another hobo)
A hobo might fight (another hobo)
A hobo might sleep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might write (on a cardboard box)
A hobo might weep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might right (the wrongs)

A hobo might, tonight,
sleep upright.

§ anastrophe: Inversion of the usual word order

Yoda: Smells of urine, hobos do.

§ anticlimax: the arrangement of words in order of decreasing importance

Hobos provide city streets with character, personality and, least of all, public displays of nudity, urination and, least of all, bat-shit insanity.

§ antimetabole: Repetition of words in successive clauses, in reverse order

When a hobo bites, and then defecates upon, a man, that is not news; however, when a man bites, and then defecates upon, a hobo, that IS news.

§ antithesis: The juxtaposition of opposing or contrasting ideas

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aphorismus: statement that calls into question the definition of a word

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aposiopesis: Breaking off or pausing speech for dramatic or emotional effect

Is he doing what I think he’s…yup. That hobo just peed on the cure to Cancer.

§ apostrophe: Directing the attention away from the audience and to a personified abstraction

Dear hobos! I would, were you not untrustworthy carriers of disease, happily invite you into my home and listen to your eccentric stories of sporadic travel and street dwelling!

§ apposition: The placing of two elements side by side, in which the second defines the first

Hobos, those traveling salesmen of charity, provide a positive boost of self-esteem to all those (of higher status) that they encounter!

§ assonance: The repetition of vowel sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse

Old, ordinary hobos obtain kudos from over-obsessed observers and enthusiasts of the obsolescent pastime of hobo-ing.

*Julio's note: That's all for now, but don't worry --- part II of "Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos" will continue tomorrow! (to view the entire list of Figures of Speech, click here)

Ted Kennedy: Dead or Alive?

Hahaha! Everyone thinks I"m dead...lawl!!!

"Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) died Tuesday of brain cancer" is something that a liberal newspaper, website or radio station might have you believe. Popular website "Dead or Alive," which keeps track of famous deaths, has, through no fault of its own, fallen for this liberal rouse and listed Ted Kennedy as deceased. The objective of this post is to convince you, the reader, that Sen. Ted Kennedy is not only alive and well, but also behind the Socialist conspiracy of the Obama administration and government run euthanasia.

Exhibit A: Where is the Original Death Cirtificate?

How do we know that Ted Kennedy is dead if we don't have a Death Cirtificate? What has been released by the Kennedy campaign is a "Cirtificate of Live Death." This is the same thing that his brother, John Kennedy, supplied after his "assassination" 40 years ago, and as we all know, the CIA exiled him to Cuba. What I have found on the internet is Kennedy's REAL Death Cirtificate...his KENYAN Death Cirtificate. Because we now know for a fact that Kennedy died in Kenya, it only follows that Kenney is ineligible for the position of President of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA).

Exhibit B: Ted Kennedy is not a Citizen of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA)

Sources in the afterworld have revealed to me, after hours of intensive mediTation/mediCation, that Ted Kennedy arrived in the Kenyan entrance of Heaven, referred to as the "Pewter Gates" due to a shortage of gold. He later entered the GUSA embasy and was transported via cloud-car to the Continental GUSA. My sources in the socialist GUSA have also informed me that Kennedy has already been appointed to the GUSA Senate and has drafted legislation that includes Government run "life-panels".

Exhibit C: If Ted Kennedy is a member of the GUSA Senate, doesn't that mean he's dead?

Yes. But the definition of intelligence is the ability to hold two contardictory beliefs without discomfort. Being an intelligent fellow, it follows that Ted Kennedy is BOTH dead AND alive. The liberal media, however, would like you to think that contradictions are wrong, but in fact they are a normal part of U.S. politics. Don't believe me? Just see for yourself:

Washington D.C. No, seriously, this is the capital of the USA. I bet you thought

this was Africa. You were WRONG

He sure looks hungry...Yup, go ahead, have ANOTHER BITE...you're starving, aren't you?

HEY FATASS, STOP EATING ALL THOSE FLIES...we own those flies. You work for us, now

Yea...support our troops...unless they come back crazy. Then FUCK 'EM!

Republican Medicare Recipients Don't Support Gov't Health Care

Death Panels...coming to a Town Hall meeting near you.

Study finds surprising results

A new study, released yesterday by the Associated Press, has found out that "old (65 and older), white, Republicans with a High School education or lower" don't support Barack Obama's current push for Government Health Insurance. The study also found that the level of racism involved in this opposition is 100x higher than in the general population, as are feelings of "fear, anger and hostility" and a general disdain for "accurate and factual representations of the issue(s)."

I don't want NO Gov'ment in MY Medicade

Also, people within this same demographic, "old, white, republican with a high school education or lower," were 15x more likely to believe disproven assertions, including "Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen," "The Government will insate Death Panels to kill your grandmother" and "Suddam Hussein hired illegal immigrants to provide abortions for non-abstinent athiest teens and ALSO built WMD (and nuclear weapons) for Al Quaeda Death-Panels during 9/11, ALL while forging Barack Obama's birth cirtificate...and oh, God Bless 'Merica!"

Fear tactics taken to their logical conclusion

ALSO...if Obama's Health Care proposals are passed...THIS will happen:

"Medicare: Good...but Government Health Insurance: Baaad" Wait...WTF!?

Most shocking, however, are the results of a government questionaire, also released yesterday, that shows that 60% of people on Medicare don't know that fact that "Medicare is provided by the government." --- Wait, did I just hear that right? You CAN'T be serious...you CANNOT seriously say to me "I'm on Medicare and I want to keep my Medicare...but 'Government Insurance' will kill me." Do these people SERIOUSLY not realize that Medicare IS GOVERNMENT HEALTH INSURANCE?! Do I SERIOUSLY have to debunk such a ridiculous myth? How is that even a "myth"? That's like debunking the "flat Earth" and the "sky is not blue" and the "dry ocean" myths!

Seriously. Seriously? SERIOUSLY! Are you telling me that the same people who think like this are allowed on our roadways? How do they know that "red" means stop and "green" means go if they don't understand that Medicare is Government Health Insurance? How do they know that "feed a bear by hand" is dangerous and "pet a cute bunny rabbit" is good? That "hot" means don't touch and "cool" means do touch? You use "soap and water" to wash your hands and not "feces and urine"? That "clear water" is to drink and "brown-reddish water" is not to drink? This all begs the question: How are these people still alive? Why hasn't their stupidity killed them yet?

Bill Clinton Secures Release of Entire North Korean Population

Bill Clinton, Kim Jong Il and 18 million North Koreans

Former President Bill Clinton has secured the release of not only the two American journalists, but also the entire population of North Korea. According to sources within the White House, Clinton initially bonded with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il through a series of insults directed at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He then asked Kim Jong Il "please" and then "pretty please" to release the Americans. However, when Clinton added, "pretty please...with a cherry on top," Kim Jong Il removed his 'Elton John' replica sunshades and, with a look of utter awe in his tiny squinting eyes, released the entire oppressed population of his country over to Mr. Clinton.

"I'm very proud of my husband," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "It's absurd, though, to think of Bill's actions as a case of male egoism usurping a female's authority. He trusts me; I mean, sometimes he lets me answer the phone by myself AND go to the bathroom without asking," she added.

"They (the North Korean people) all suffered from a similar plight to those journalists," said former President Bill Clinton, "It would look like favoritism if I only rescued 'Americans' from the iron fist and ostentatious lesbian sunglasses of Kim Jong Il." The former president has already written a memoir of his historic diplomatic mission, including a section devoted entirelly to the insults directed towards Hillary Clinton during the discussions. Among those included in the draft are:

1. You might look like a lesbian, Kim, but my wife...let's just say she gets more pussy than a box of tampons! Oh Right!

2. Bill...your wife, she's rather like a bronze statue of myself during the winter months: freezing cold and, uhm...covered in bronze!

3. Kim, that didn't make any sense...much like my wife's campaign in the Democratic Primary! Heyoooo!!!