This Not Your Airspace, Stupid Head

If China's new Air Defence Identification Zone was an Xbox Live match:

CHINA: MINE MINE MINE!
*China sets up missile turrets*
JAPAN: WTF dude!
USA: Not cool China, not cool.
RUSSIA: LOL
SWEDEN: IDK, NMP
*Sweden has left the game*
FRANCE: Fine you can have them! Just don't shoot!
*North Korea has joined the game*
NORTH KOREA: Yesssss! Suck it USA!
TAIWAN: China hacks!
CHINA: USA hacks more!
*EDWARD SNOWDEN has joined the game*
USA: SHIT! I G2GO!
*USA has left the game*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: LOL j/k this is Canada



"This our airspace too, pal!"


Editor's note: Thanks, @dangerbeau for making this lulz-worthy post possible.
image credit: The Daily Mail

Clint Eastwood...the day AFTER the Last Supper

I know what you must be thinking, and yes, Clint Eastwood is over 2,000 years old. I don't know which one of these geezers in the painting is Mr. Eastwood, but my bet is that he's still in the bathroom having a conversation with the hole in the ground everyone shits in.

The day after the supper, however, is what made the 12 apostles revoke his "apostle" status and instead refer to him as simply, "a homeless." Thus began the most painful 30 minutes in lost Biblical history



You know, Jesus, I...first, I gotta say, what is up with that hair man? You look like a homeless --- I know you're actually homeless, but don't interrupt me. That's just rude. You should know, "Mr. Golden Rule." Can you believe this guy? Anyway, I...what? You want some water? SOMEBODY GIVE JESUS A GODDAMN GLASS OF WATER! HE JUST DIED FOR GOD'S SAKE!

As I was saying...Jesus, what was up with the whole cross fiasco? No lightning, no raining fire down to smite your foes, no nothing! All you did was complain about the state of mankind, and how you had nails in your hand, and how you thought if you could stop one thing from happening in the future, it would be BET. 

What, you're leaving? In the middle of my speech? Can you believe this guy? He asked for water and he didn't even drink it! What's that? Well go fuck yourself too, ya damn dirty ape!

-fin

Offensive Portrayal of Muhammad! A "Must See" for Angry Muslims!

If you read this blog, you know that I have a deep-seated desire to cause outrage and violence across the Muslim world by portraying the Prophet Muhammad in various inappropriate circumstances. Given the rise in popularity of such acts, I have decided to showcase Project Julio's most memorable, sacrilegious portrayals of the Prophet Muhammad (now in COLOR)!

First off, is a Project Julio classic of the Prophet Muhammad stealing an expensive book by sneakily placing it within his robes:

If a prophet steals a book in the woods...
                                             

And how could we forget this one of the Prophet Muhammad transforming a woman into a horse and then conjuring flaming demons to force alcohol down the throats of hobos!

Is it hot in here, or is it just that we're all engulfed in flames?

And finally, here's the Prophet Muhammad after eating a very spicy chili pepper!

This pepper is HOTTER THAN A GIRAFFE IN HEAT! Keyoooow!

A Cause that is as Sound as a Dollar So Long as You Continue to Bet On the Wrong Horse

What's that you ask? How is this possible? Well, first of all, the Guy Fawkes mask is licensed to Time Warner which holds rights to the film V for Vendetta, meaning that any merchandise tied to the film makes its way into the pockets of Time Warner: the world's second largest media outlet with major operations in film, television and publishing.

I can hear the sound of crickets echoing through a vast expanse of empty heads. Shall I explain it more simply for you? You are keeping a wealthy conglomerate in business with your purchase of these masks, thinking that you're supporting a cause when the reality is that you are working against yourselves.

How are you working against yourselves? I guess if I have to spell it out for you that's what I'll do.
Let's look at both your list of epic fail and examine Time Warner and all they stand for...

First, FYI: Time Warner Inc. owns almost every major media source on the planet. Time Warner's CEO and many other high level executives are members of the Council on Foreign Relations (list here).

Well, who the fuck are they? Meetings of the Council of Foreign Relations are held in secret outside the scrutiny of the public. The only way to become a member is through invitation only. Most influential politicians, academics and media personalities are members. They are a U.S. based nonprofit, nonpartisan membership organization and publisher, composed of Wall Street types, international bankers, executives of powerful foundations, members of various think-tanks and other tax exempt foundations. Gee, all of this sounds so very fascinating. Interested to learn more?

There are Ambassadors, past and present Presidents of the United States, and Secretaries of State. Other members include Lobbyists, Media Conglomerate Owners as well as University Presidents and Professors. even Federal and Supreme Court Judges and members of the Military from both NATO and the Pentagon.
The very identity of the establishment is vague, it can be defined by secrecy. Juicy, yeah?

What do they do? Started as the Royal Institute of International Affairs in England during the 1800's, the Council of Foreign Relations opened up shop here in America in 1921. It was almost entirely composed of people from J.P. Morgan interests. In 1927 the Council grew with funding coming from both the Rockefeller and Carnegie Foundations. Additional funding for the Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) came from such financial interests as Bernard Baruch, Jacob Schiff, Otto Kahn, and Paul Warburg -- the same folks that established the Federal Reserve System.

Today the funds to continue the Council of Foreign Relations is received by large corporations like Xerox, General Motors, Bristol-Meyers Squibb, Texaco. There are also other entities that finance the CFR as well as several trusts and funds like the German Marshall Fund, McKnight Foundation, Dillion Fund, Ford Foundation, Andrew W. Mellon Foundation, Rockefeller Brothers Fund, Starr Foundation, and the Pew Charitable Trusts. So it goes without saying that these folks have a long history of power and influence.

If one group is effectively in control of national governments and multinational corporations; promotes world government and influences foreign policies, as well as influencing public opinion through control of media, foundation grants, and education; and controls and guides the issues of the day; then CFR controls most options available. In summary, the CFR, and the financial powers behind it, have certainly done all these things. They can be considered the promotional arm of the ruling elite in the U.S. fisting every last fool willing to bend over and let them violate their widening balloon knot.

How often do you have to get fucked in the ass with no lube by corporate giant prick before you learn your lesson -- unless you like that or something? So just consider that for a moment.

With all that in mind, it should be clear that we are being fed specific news and messages to fit a specific agenda. In other words we're being systematically brainwashed. Since I'm outlining the obvious for you, don’t trust mainstream media sources, they only report what they want you to know. "Buy, consume, make us rich while you bury yourselves in debt, just take it in the pooper and like it."

Addressing the argument that V for Vendetta is a thinly veiled attack on the War on Terror, and it depicts religion and government as overrun by evil people who oppress and torture “innocent” people (not a far cry from the truth in some instances really), the film is also extremely dogmatic and brimming with sophism. It's like replacing one evil for another evil. Does murdering murderers or blowing things up necessarily solve things? That's not much more intelligent or enlightened than those bible-toting, bible-quoting idiots who shoot and blow people up at abortion clinics to protest the murders of  the unborn.

Similarly, you kill one murdering fanatic and another just replaces them. You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet right? Violence begets violence and nothing more. And that's exactly what they want you to do. Those people want everyone to hate you. The war on terrorism will always shift targets so long as you are a willing participant. Shall I go on with this atrocious analogy?

How quaint and perfectly dystopian our world would be with more unending war piled atop more unending war. I believe that pointing out these logical fallacies was the original intention of both the graphic novel and the movie. But some of you fucking morons are too stupid to get it.

And even though the film was released by Time Warner, which takes some risks, there was already overwhelming disapproval of the GWB administration when this movie was released so it wasn't like that was all that shocking, V is still loosely based on the graphic novel. For both the movie and the book, the guilt is not laid on government so much as it is the public, for "knowing something is wrong with this country" and sitting on the couch doing nothing.

Also Alan Moore distanced himself from the film, without having seen it. He asked for his name to be removed from all promotional materials, because he had no involvement in writing the script or advising director James McTeigue. The film alters the plot and involves the public, inspiring a revolution whereas Moore's V never goes so far. It, instead, focuses on V's attempts to inspire one person to carry on his legacy, with the implication that if he can inspire one, his ideals can inspire a nation. Even the finale is far distanced from the book.

In other words, the Guy Fawkes that is depicted in both the movie and the book is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER and a FICTIONAL ACCOUNT -- kind of like, oh, I dunno kind of like JESUS? You might as all well be wearing Star Wars costumes and picketing at Star Trek conventions. Some of you are rebels without a clue.

Beyond the political or social ramifications of the film it also does not account for Time Warner's own history of hypocrisy, which is the real point to be made here.

Time Warner Cable has a slew of complaints against it (there's plenty more than that if you just Google it). Do you really want to support a corporation that doesn't value it's customers? Or would you prefer to continue using your script kiddie powers to interrupt web service here and there, and take down small time websites under the false impression that you are "making a difference"? Feel free to try and take ours down if you think that the opinions expressed here don't jive with your ideals, fuckwits.

Additionally, speaking of the web, since Time Warner merged with AOL they also control a vast amount of the internet. Time Warner was one of three of the largest internet providers who proposed shutting down or placing monthly limits on their user's online activity, thereby throwing us all back to the dark ages of telephones and postage stamps.

Limiting the use of the internet is an economic and freedom issue, and if Anonymous stands for anything it stands up for net neutrality, the right of the people to have access to the internet and the sharing of information. Anonymous knows that monopolies, cable and telcos, are not our friends. They are here to make a profit and control what we know. And if you don't know that by now then you're either living in a cave or you haven't quite evolved yet. But I repeat myself, Oh, redundant ones.

So why support Time Warner with every V for Vendetta Guy Fawkes mask purchased? You can try stealing them, but good luck when you get caught and your anonymity is even more compromised when you enter the criminal justice system. I am not against Anonymous, nor do I stand behind everything they do. I just think that their methodology needs tweaking. Any cause needs lobbyists and representatives who can bring about real change. Somewhere out there are a few people with some brains and less fanatical ideologies. Hopefully. But I have my doubts as 90% of the population appears to be mentally ill, or stupid, or both.

To those individuals that are capable, provided with this information and using sound reasoning and logic, here is my thinking -- if you really need or want to wear a disguise (which I entirely relate to), instead of purchasing a Guy Fawkes mask, I suggest you march down to the nearest Mom and Pop shop, show your support for the backbone of America and purchase a nondescript no label ski mask from them. In essence you will be thumbing your nose at giant corporations and your dollars go to a good cause, putting a small business owner ahead with real cash flow.

If ski masks are good enough for bank robbers, muggers, rapists, and the occasional terrorist organization, or the clandestine operations of our own CIA or military, then they are good enough for you.

If you want to be more creative you can always buy one of these on Etsy.

Don't ask me for the link to this shit. I can't be bothered taking you by the fucking hand.

Take your pick. There's more than one to choose from. There's even this one which is a little closer to looking like the REAL Guy Fawkes who had a full beard, not that pansy-ass arty hipster Hollyweird moustache and sour patch across the chin like some kind of half-assed stellar achievement of manhood inspired by a drunken Dirty Sanchez attempt. Spare me the goddamned faggotry.

A Portrait of the Real Guy Fawkes

A Portrait of  a Wannabe Guy Fawkes

Plus a ski mask doesn't get crushed, melt, or crack when dropped or sat upon, and it also has no elastic headband that can snap thereby rendering the mask useless. The only thing that can destroy a ski mask is fire, hydrochloric acid, and loss through theft. 

But don't take my word for it, if you really want to be uniform and homogenous I suggest you all pick the same one. To hell with individuality or being unique! After all you are mocking an establishment of drones, right?

Oh, fuck it. I've inflicted enough butthurt for one day.
  
Shh. Just go back to sleep.

Obama...He Really Really Does

Like our G-Rated Porn Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/G.Rated.Porn

Politically Incoherent Edition 1: Trump's logic trumps [actual] logic

Al-Gaddafi Pledges Fight to the Last Woman and Child; Men Poised to Surrender

I don't speak Arabic, but I think the banner says: Dear America, all future military targets will be manned by women and children. Good thing we never taught our women and children to read. Otherwise, they be able to read this banner. Lol.

Aloha, America and the West! It is I, President the honorable TOTALLY COOL "and definitely not Hitler" Muammar al-Gaddaffi! I say "Aloha" because I, too, was born in Hawaii, thereby making me a U.S. Citizen. You wouldn't bomb an American now, would you?

Okay, if you don't buy that, then you leave me no choice. I, Muammar al-Gaddaffi, vow to fight to the last woman, child, unborn fetus, futon and/or my priceless porcelain figurine set depicting the profit Muhammad performing goatse in front of the aforementioned demographic.

Fuck you! It could happen.

I'm willing to put blood on the line, just as long as we're clear that the blood we are talking belongs to someone else. Anyone else, actually. Except for men's blood. Because let's face it, ladies, men are just too valuable. Who else is going to suppress the women's literacy movement? Not women, that's for sure! Believe me, we tried that, but all the women did was complain and complain until we tied them to a post and beat them to death with the bodies of their own children. Do we really need to go down this road again?

But I am not a cold, spineless and absolutely cruel human being. In fact, most of you have given up on my humanity a long time ago. In order to prevent more male-oriented bloodshed, I am willing to do anything possible to prevent more male-bloodshed. For instance, instead of having men undertake the dangerous job of manning our tanks, anti-aircraft installations and artillery, we've instead used hemp rope (because we LOVE the environment) to bind women, children and homosexuals to said military installations, thereby saving thousands of (male) lives!

We surrender! Please don't shoot! I made this flag out of my friend's underwear! Why didn't I use my own? Well, after the first round of air-strikes...and well, a "brown flag" doesn't do me any fucking good, now does it?!

But my kindness doesn't stop there. I've also utilized state of the art gluing technology to attach puppies and kittens to the tops of all armored vehicles. Not only does this provide environmentally-friendly insulation, but c'mon, blowing up puppies doesn't win "hearts and minds." But we're not bad people. In an effort to win "hearts and minds" of our own, we've retrofitted a designated number of armored vehicles to serve as ice-cream distribution centers. Call us crazy, but we love our children too much NOT to use them as human shields!

Prototype ice-cream tank

Prototype balloon-tank, code-named "human shield." That isn't really a code-name, is it? 

It's more like, "hey, we're going to use human shields, just-so-you-know. Yeah."

(a photoshopped image of a tank covered with puppies and kittens is supposed to be here also, but because I'm lazy, and because you're a pervert, I instead substitute it with a link to a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens. Slut!)

In conclusion, do not judge lest ye be judged, and he who is without sin may cast the first stone. Unless we're stoning a woman and/or child, in which case go right on ahead!

In Soviet Libya, stone throws you!
...also, our children make their own death-stones. 

al-Gadaffi to Libyan People: The Revolution Was MY IDEA. Your welcome.

Greetings cockroaches people of Libya. Yes, it is I, Muammar al-Gaddafi, democratically elected (by 100% of Muammar al-Gadaffes) dictator President of Libya AND hack author of this here Project Julio internet(s).

I ask you, Libyans, why so glum? We are one of the 10 wealthiest oil-producing countries in the world! With that kind of cash, we can afford extravagant luxury items such as limousine-Hummers for President the honorable Muammar al-Gaddafi; all virgin, all-female bodyguards for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL Muammar al-Gaddafi; as well as golden fountains of highly enriched anal lube for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL (and definately NOT Hitler) Muammar al-Gaddafi!

Don’t you see? We are united as one, the people AND Muammar al-Gaddafi. Therefore, what is good for Muammar al-Gaddafi MUST be good for the people.

For instance, referring to Muammar al-Gaddafi in the third person is good for the people. And since al-Gaddafi and the people are one, when I am referring to the people of Libya in the third person, I am also ipso facto referring to myself. Therefore, when I am referring to a revolution of “the people” I am really referring to a revolution of al-Gaddafi. Therefore, al-Gaddafi is revolting against al-Gaddafi!

BRAIN ANEURYSM!

No, seriously, I think I need a doct—oh mierda, yo ahora hablo español!!!!

BP to Use Experimental "Stick Rod-in-Hole" Technique

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Joe Biden: An Automatic Biography

“Alright, who let him out of his cage?”

~ Barack Obama on Joe Biden

“Finally, someone finally is taking office that will actually bail us out!”

~ Amtrak on Joe Biden

Introduction

Joe —”insert foot-in-mouth“—Biden is best known for being the Vice Presidential pick of President Barack “Pronounces Words Correctly” Obama. Obama, aside from being the first openly black president of the United States who has no “Negro dialect,” is the only reason anyone will ever remember the name: Biden. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.

Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Joe “who—the plumber?” Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly[1] born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would “Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya…Oh shit, you’re a God-damned cripple, aren’t you?!.”

Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry “Kill Them Japs” Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, being a frickin’ child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of lack of age, experience and potty training would not play a factor.

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Queen Latifah. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this “Joe Biden” until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually (after three hard-fought hours) lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

To add insult to irony, the eventual (after 12 years of campaigning) victor of the 2008 election turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew Obama’s name, and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as an “Baracka-brations” In addition, during the general election, John McCain (R-OLD), a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated. This victory officially made Obama the first Muslim/Mortal Kombat Character to be elected president.

According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no-one interviewed for this story even knows who or what a “Joe Biden” is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new “Starbuck’s coffee-drink,” while the minority (mostly Bob Barr supporters) believed Joe Biden to be a “common sexual endeavor involving muskrats, anal beads and shaving cream.” On a recent episode of Family Feud, however, the survey found “anal beads” to be the #1 answer to the question, “Name something Barack Obama recently revealed at the Democratic National Convention.”

Personal Life

Family

Mmm…tastes like my foot!

Biden was the father of three children and proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, still angry at Satan for creating “happiness”, decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children, as a sort of celestial Social Worker. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden’s wife too, allowing him to became a single father of two children…two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered “Clark Kent” type of person. Then God murdered his family, turning him into a real-life, God-hating and all around bad mother— SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Need proof? Here’s an actual quote recorded in his memoir shortly after the incident: “I liked to walk around seedy
neighborhoods at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight…God had played a horrible trick on me…I’m gonna KILL that son-of-a-bitch (God)! SATAN, IMBUE ME WITH YOUR DEMONIC AURA! I…AM…INVINCIBLE!!” Seriously, that’s what he fucking said. Mostly.

Memoir

Biden’s first memoir reached the top of the Best-Sellers list. His latest memoir, entitled “Joe Biden: I’m infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I’m resigning!“, however, was the worst selling book of any kind ever produced in history. Ever. It even beat out such terrible literature such as “Hitler: He’s the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with…then kill nine million people” and “Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren’t spears!” After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-for-tv movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the World of Literature and has been, according to extremely unreliable and nerdy sources, active in the World of Warcraft.

Is Barack Obama a Real Person OR an Elaborate Hoax?

The media is once again focused on the legitimacy of Barack Obama's birth records. Several non-partisan organizations have located valid flaws in the birth certificate presented by the Obama campaign last year, however, it is only recently that experts have uncovered the full extent of the liberal-socialist conspiracy.

The truth, however, is much more frightening than any of us could have anticipated. The conspiracy is embedded deep within the very fabric of all news media, including television, newspapers and even radio. But no matter how far the arms of Socialism extend, they can never fully envelop the Internets. It is here that the vast conspiracy will ultimately unfold. Before you read this, you may want to connect to a secure internet connection to prevent yourself from being identified.

Barack Hussein Obama is a fictional character. Barack H. Obama, a.k.a Barack Saddam Hussein Osama bin Laden, a.k.a. Obama bin Larden is not actually a real (legal or otherwise) human being. He was never born, and therefore was never officially elected to the U.S. presidency. The man we know as "Barack Hussein Obama" is actually played by an actor named "Fred G. Sanford." His persona was created and developed by the extreme left in order to usher us into a socialist-facist state. Shh, keep it on the down-low, if you know what I mean. Knowaddimean?
 

It has been planned for over 12 years since the mid 1990's in response to the growing Conservative movement in this country. The proof of this is undeniable. Doctored photos. Doctored and/or falsified legal documents. Those televised presidential addresses? A robot. Personal appearances at various events. A muppet. The unexpected delivery of your child in the backseat of a taxicab? The mugging on the A-train? The gas station hold up? The night you got raped? Simply some guy (probably some homeless person) who looks like the most elaborate hoax ever created. You name it -- they've done it.

Picture of the U.S. Capitol Building

Doctored version of previous photo featuring Fred G. Sanford as "Barack H. Obama"

Falsified Birth Record provided as evidence of Sanford's pseudonym

Same document with errors exemplified

"The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams of my Father" were written in order to further develop "Barack Obama" as a politically viable minority candidate. Soon a national "catastrophe" will occur, and will be used as an excuse to void the Constitution and establish a Socialist-Facist state. U.S. soldiers will enter our homes, disarm us of our weapons and adopt us as property of the State. Good god the end is near. Grab all the tea bags in the house. Head for your basements now and kiss your asses goodbye!

[insert visual image of self kissing own ass here]

Too Soon? 9/11, dead babies and Nazi's (+ Ann Coulter, Obviously).

A "day in the life" of Ann Coulter...scary.


Ann Coulter. Who or what is Ann Coulter, other than the first thing that comes to mind when you think of 9/11, dead babies and Nazis simultaneously? As a "Conservative" and "columnist", Coulter continues to falsely depict ALL Republicans as angry, insane and illogical beings who use fear mongering, insults and baseless conspiracy theories to support their beliefs instead of providing reliable evidence (of which there is usually none). I understand that this may a lot of information to take in, so in the text below, I have translated this well thought out and properly cited analysis into a baseless, emotionally charged and metaphorical rant for you, my "Thinking Impaired" readers (i.e., average Americans).



No additional joke required; this is an actual book devoted to hating Ann Coulter...Awesome!


Washington D.C., USA - Ann Coulter's vagina. That's about the worst thing anyone could possibly imagine. Logically, then, 9/11, dead babies and Nazi's should be at least somewhat related to Ann Coulter's vagina, but could they be fundamentally linked? To the surprise of many, a recent gyneclolgical study has found that 9/11, dead babies, Nazis not only exist WITHIN Ann Coulter's vagina, but may have in fact been CREATED there!

First Contact: In Ann Coulter's vagina, researches discover the first of many demonic creatres once thought

to be fictional characters of ancient folk-lore

Scientists became interested in the "UnIntelligent Design" theory regarding the creation of 9/11, Nazis and dead babies after Ann Coulter submitted a series of deliberately absurd, offensive and callous contributions to American political debate.


Particularly intriguing was Coulter's attack on widows of those killed in the 9/11 terrorist attacks, "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much," said Coulter, "How do we know their husbands werne't planning to divorce these harpies?"



CNN through the eyes of Ann Coulter


"The truth is, we don't know," said Head Researcher Gilbert Flagram, "but the catch 22 is that the husbands in question are dead, thereby impossible to interview. Though possible, there is not a single shred of evidence nor absolutely any reason whatsoever to believe that their marriages were anything less than healthy." Flagram explained that to create such a random and baseless rumor about widows of the single most deadly terrorist act in U.S. history requires more than huge BALLS (which are themselves rumored to also exist within Coulter's vagina). That's when researches decided to test the theory of whether in fact "evil incarnate" was itself birthed through the wretched vaginal walls of Ann Coulter.



Actual "Vortex-of-Pure-Evil" discovered in the Nether-regions of Ann Coulter

"HoBlogging" (i.e. Hobo Blogging) and "Twittering Without a Nest"

Say goodbye to Youtube, Facebook and even Google because there is a new phenomenon taking the internet by storm: HoBlogging (i.e. hobo blogging). Yes, this is no typo; hobloggers do exist. Remember the hobo that always sits near a pile of garbage between Taco Bell and McDonalds? He has a blog. The naked Mexican whose best friend is a shopping cart filled with empty boxes of cigarettes? He's got a blog too. It appears that even homeless people, the absolute lowest class in society, cannot abstain from writing about the mundane aspects of everyday life.

Most Recent Post: Interview with the GIANT SHIT I took on 7th ave. near FootLocker

What are they writing about? The best place in the city to grab a hamburger...half-eaten? The loudest nightclub...that you can hear from the alleyway? The nuances of local produce...found in a dumpster as compared to canned produce...found on the ground near the dumpster? Although little is known about the origins of HoBlogging, one can surmise that it began with the mystical union of a hobo, a computer and frequent complaints by library patrons regardeing a pungent odor...an odor itself ceated by the mustical union of urine, human fecal matter and used tampons (classic signs of a hobo blogger, or HoBlogger).

Artist's rendering of a hobo-compatable computer. Powered by spare change.

This phenomenon first caught my attention during one of my frequent visits to lifelong rival NPR. The story (click here) told of the online adventures of Eric Sheptock (visit blog here), a part-time janitor and full-time hobo. He started a blog using the hobo-friendly facilities available in the Washington D.C. (i.e., hobo capital of the U.S., i.e. juxtoposition of imaginary U.S. wealth/freedom and real U.S. poverty/class warefare.). His blog focuses on educating the house-living home-ful public about very true and very disturbing facts about homelessness. Since I haven't actually read it, however, I prefer to imagine that it provides helpful tips on topics such as: sign-drafting and design; loitering safety; and how to bathe in a public restroom.

"I don't cleam, I'm not cleaM"

Look, hobos. Since you're capable of blogging I am sure that you're probably reading this (certainly no one with a life would!). I don't hate the homeless. I feel your pain. I, too, know what it is like to wake up every morning in a different place covered with my own bodily fluids (LSD is a crazy drug!). I am forced to ask total strangers for change on a daily basis (though us house'd folk call them "tips"). I even dig through dumpsters and garbage cans for food (no witty remark this time...I just love eating garbage!). You may not like the fact that I am making light of your plight (that rhymes!), and it may be my one-way ticket to eternal damnation (forced to read hoblogs for ALL ETERNITY!), but if you can't find humor in everything, anything can end up making you feel hopeless (deep man...real deep).

Oh, and did I mention they produce their very own hobo "tweets", AKA "Tweets without Nests"? Below is a list of my favorite hobo-authored twitter activity (*note: not all tweets are by the same HoBlogger):

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fist time eva using twitter...anybodey have spare change?

6:34 PM April 7th from the web

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found a half-full (or half-empty, depending on how you look at it) bottle of Coca Cola. Turns out it was filled with piss...MY piss.

7:14 AM April 7th from the web

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got a flat shopping-cart-tire today. Tride to steel new 1 from BestBuy but police sed noes.

11:45 AM March 12th from the new cardboard computer

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Banker LFW (Looking for Work). Former employers: Enron, AIG, Lehman Bros. N33d $$$ to keep Yacht.

3:30 PM March 6th from my Yacht

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find another half-full bottle of Coca Cola. Also filled with piss...probly same bottle as b4 =(

8:14 AM April 7th from the web

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Above: Photo of Eric Sheptock, first of what we hope to be many "HoBloggers." If you or anyone else are in the D.C. area and would like to provide him with assistance and/or use him in a satirical documentary on the financial disparities that exist in the USA, please e-mail him at ericsheptock@yahoo.com

MP3 Players Kill Teens, Prove Natural Selection

According to NPR, a teen was recently run-over by a train. This normally would be hilarious to me; since the incident occurred because the teen was too busy listening to his I-Pod, however, it can (and should) now be hilarious to anyone. The story, entitled, "With MP3 Player On, Teen Didn't Hear Train," fails to envoke the sympathy one would expect from NPR. Their second attempt, "Caution: Walking And Cell Phones Don't Mix," in fact, envokes even further suspicion as to the intelligence level of the anticipated audience, which surely cannot be anyone who reads NPR, let alone knows what it is. This is why, if I could travel in time to that day with just enough time to save him of his impending death...I don't think that I would do it. Darwin and I both agree that nature is perfectly capable of handling this case all by itself.

Darwin, the first and only heterosexual bird-watcher

Thus, we arrive at the topic of this article. Think about the turtles hatching on the beach and head towards the ocean. Though we hope for their safe arrival, it is not humanity's place to interfere with natural selection by unloading a 12-guage semi-automatic shotgun into the hawks and other carnivorous animals that try to eat them. In the same way, human evolution also incorporates natural selection, which for you idiots out there means that only those "fit" to survive until procreation are allowed to pass their genes onto future generations.  

Thanks to a twist of fate and/or God's twisted sense of irony, teen Joshua White was never 

allowed to pass on his curse/genes onto future generations...why ironic? He was an avid 

listening to Christian music, and was probably listening to it at the time of his death...where 

was "GOD" then? Hopefully, he was busy saying the following:

"Our God is an awesome god he reigns..FUCK, JOSHUA, LOOKOUT FOR THAT...ah, 

fuck it, you're a dumbass anyway."

Now let us return to the teen who was hit by a train because his MP3 player was "too loud." He was deliberately walking on the train tracks. Even if we assume that the teen never saw the movie "Stand by Me," we can assume that he knows that train tracks exist for the sole purpose of moving trains. Similarly, roads exist for the sole purpose of moving vehicles. As a result, there is not a single person out there who feels a need to inform the public of the dangers of "crossing the road without looking both ways." Yet, for some reason, the "San Francisco Transport Agency" feels the need to inform the public of the dangers of "walking in front of a moving train...while listening to music!" Seriously...THERE'S A PUBLIC AWARENESS CAMPAIGN on the "DANGERS of WALKING in FRONT of TRAINS"...Idiocracy was right, this country is going to SHIT if our future leaders can't walk from point A to B without getting hit by the LARGEST VEHICLES in the world (i.e. trains, moron)!

Beethoven? Are people who listen to Beethoven really that stupid (why not Jay-Z)? Or instead is the ad demonstrating that even deaf people manage to avoid being killed by trains, thereby multiplying the stupidity required for such an event to occur...

I apologize if I seem insensitive, but if you are 16 years old and do NOT understand the concept of "a 100 ton train moving at 60 mph will CRUSH you instantly," perhaps this world is not for you. Would you want such a mentally deficient teen driving on the same roads as your teen whom you raised to live in the same reality as everyone else? There should be a similar ad campaign entitled, "Hey there, idiot...please stand on the X below this sign. Now walk three steps to your right. If you're still reading this, you probably weren't just hit by a train... CONGRATULATIONS!!!" This would reduce the cost of entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, Welfare, etc. by weeding people out of our society who are too smart to be considered "retarded" yet too stupid to be considered "not retarded." I'm looking at you, guy who asks "do you serve hot coffee..." at a coffee shop. I'm sorry, we only serve COLD JUICE HERE. DUMBASS!!! Anyway, it would be a good campaign is all I'm saying.

Rejected Campaign Parafanelia of the Barack Obama '08 Campaign

The reason for this article is to promote Barack Obama '08 Campaign Parafanalia that didn't make the cut. Recently discovered after legions of unemployed ex-volunteers began trying to sell all their Obama crap in order to put food on their families, these failed Obama memorabelia will be cherished for a lifetime...by people who go to failblog.com . The following is the first of several FAILED Obama-Merchandise:

Large:

Yes, I made this. I know it's friggin' awesome. Your WELCOME, internet!!!

Petite:

Promotional Materials: 

FREE introductions to Obama-themed blog entries! 100% Satisfaction guaranteed*

Sample 1: 

The election is over. The dust has settled. Barack Obama has been finally inaugurated and is now President of the United States. Good-bye Bush; we'll certainly miss the leader of the "free world" simultaneously being the leader of "People who want to strangle the English language, then bludgeon its dead corpse with a rusty chainsaw!." But enough about Bush, this article is about Barack Obama, AKA "Black Jesus", AKA "Best Friend of Terrorists", AKA "Karl ObaMarx"...the list of increasingly ridiculous nicknames is almost endless. At any rate, no matter what you think of the man politically, one has to admit that he did a brilliant job on the campaign trail. And thus we finally discover the topic of this article (insert article here). 

Sample 2:

Becoming the first black President of the United States of America, land of the free (unless you're black and living prior to 1864), home of the brave (i.e. brave slaveholding Americans). Sure, America has come a long way from the times of slavery. We have gone from using violence to force blacks to develop our agriculture; to using violence to force blacks to have their own restaurants and bathrooms; to forgetting that we used violence to force blacks to do various things and instead blame their crime and poverty rates on ignorance and "free will." I would try to explain the complicated research which proves the widely held (by non-idiots) theory of how the intergenerational income gap between whites and blacks leads to increased likelyhood of poor socioeconomic conditions which then lead to problems such as crime, poverty (duh!) and becoming President. However, I realize that you are incapable of abstract thought beyond one or two logical steps; therefore, I will provide you with an adequate substitute:  

1. Black = Slaves. Slaves = no moneys. Therefore, Black = no moneys.

2. White = NOT Slaves. Not slaves = moneys. Therefore, White = moneys.

(insert article here)

*If you are not completely satisfied, please visit THIS WEBSITE to post your complaint.

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Just 24-hours after President Obama's Inauguration, 16 homes were put up for sale

     Washington D.C. --- Whilst President Barack Obama is enjoying his first days in the White House, nearby home prices fell by as much as 50 percent. "There goes the neighborh..." said one resident, who stopped mid-sentence when he realized I was holding a microphone. "My best friend is black," said the elderly white gentleman who failed to identify himself. He then abruptly locked himself in his 3456 Pennsylvania Ave. estate while singing the National Anthem (of Canada, for some reason) and using a "White Power" bracelet to conceal his Swastika tattoo. "It's a temporary tattoo...I found it in a box of Cracker-Jacks," he later admitted after I threatened to call fellow black reporter Todd "BLACK-LIGHTNING" Tolken to the scene. 

   A "Cracker-Jacks" Spokesman known only as "Leeroy" claims that the tattoo did not come from "Cracker-Jacks." Instead, it belongs to its father company "N****r-Jacks," which had first opened during the late 1950's. "It was a different time," said Leeroy, "Being openly racist was the cool thing to do. Then, after that darn Civil Rights movement, we were all forced to be racist in the privacy of our own homes, community centers, discriminatory hiring practices, inflated interest rates, college admittance and, of course, Klan meetings. The nerve. What the heck happened to this country?"

As it turns out, racism is a "bad" thing and should not be tolerated. Nor should it be given access to public media,such as this website, to spread their message of hate. Afterwards, I conducted a 30-minute interview with several racist homebuyers and property-value appraisors that was broadcasted, live, throughout the entire country...I'm fired,aren't I? In that case, I am not obligated to finish this story, though I am obligated to say that I am a registered sex offender and cannot not reside within 600 feet of a school, playground or PTA meeting.

If you don't like America...

I am at work today, so today's blog will be short, simple, to the point and entirely ripped-off from a South Park episode. Enjoy:

Why the words "Fox" and "News" should never be allowed in the same utterance. Also, why everyone in this video is going to hell...

Speed up to 4:50 to hear the most POLITICALLY INCORRECT sentence 

in the history of the English language! Also, 3:26 is kinda AWESOME.

What is that sentence, you ask? In referring to the world's first "Pregnant Man" (who happens to be transgendered, so is biologically a woman with ovaries and cooties), the questionably heterosexual commentator (named Bill Schultz, and as one commentator comments, "Bill has a beard and that doesn't make him straight") )contends that, because this woman has grown facial hair and worked out in a gym, her child, by some unknown reason (probably due to some pact with Satan), will be seriously and irreversibly deformed. I, however, cannot give his statement justice, so here it is if you were too lazy to watch the video: "This little Ewok that she's going to crapout might even have a third eye." 

Now, I know that the transgendered man/woman still has the female sexual organs required to give birth...so I am not really sure why or how he would assume that this birth is somehow going to be delivered anally. I suppose his knowledge of the situation came through text message, so his totaleducation on the situation consisted of, "Pregnant Man. Abomination. Why are gay people trying to be like us...lets ridicule them until they commmit suicide." Speaking of suicide...the female commentator, who apparently decided early on not to be outdone by a gay man in the department of insulting people who are different than you, mentions that, during pregnancy, the first 6 months aren't all that bad...but, rather, "It's months 7, 8 and 9 that you want to KILL YOURSELF...and I HOPE THAT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS."

Yes, these two commentators were hired, as if I had to tell you, by the folks who brought you "Bill O'Rielly decides to "FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE (see below video),"" Fox News! That's right, Fox News: We can say whatever the fuck kind of crazy shit we want and still legally call it "news"

Here he is, the master of the Universe, Bill O'Rielley, having a temper tantrum because

the world does not, as he often assumes, revolve around his arrogant, inflamed asshole.

Also, Fast forward to about 1:00 and you will realize that his mother and father must have

NEVER HUGGED HIM...EVER. Not even once. In fact, they would reach foward to hug him...

and then beat him with Rainbow-colored, Democratic and Athiest magazines (respectively)!!!