Offensive Portrayal of Muhammad! A "Must See" for Angry Muslims!

If you read this blog, you know that I have a deep-seated desire to cause outrage and violence across the Muslim world by portraying the Prophet Muhammad in various inappropriate circumstances. Given the rise in popularity of such acts, I have decided to showcase Project Julio's most memorable, sacrilegious portrayals of the Prophet Muhammad (now in COLOR)!

First off, is a Project Julio classic of the Prophet Muhammad stealing an expensive book by sneakily placing it within his robes:

If a prophet steals a book in the woods...
                                             

And how could we forget this one of the Prophet Muhammad transforming a woman into a horse and then conjuring flaming demons to force alcohol down the throats of hobos!

Is it hot in here, or is it just that we're all engulfed in flames?

And finally, here's the Prophet Muhammad after eating a very spicy chili pepper!

This pepper is HOTTER THAN A GIRAFFE IN HEAT! Keyoooow!

Nyan Cat Makes Everything Better

So...Nyan Cat did do it?! We have proof now!!



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It's All Krap All The Time

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Al-Gaddafi Pledges Fight to the Last Woman and Child; Men Poised to Surrender

I don't speak Arabic, but I think the banner says: Dear America, all future military targets will be manned by women and children. Good thing we never taught our women and children to read. Otherwise, they be able to read this banner. Lol.

Aloha, America and the West! It is I, President the honorable TOTALLY COOL "and definitely not Hitler" Muammar al-Gaddaffi! I say "Aloha" because I, too, was born in Hawaii, thereby making me a U.S. Citizen. You wouldn't bomb an American now, would you?

Okay, if you don't buy that, then you leave me no choice. I, Muammar al-Gaddaffi, vow to fight to the last woman, child, unborn fetus, futon and/or my priceless porcelain figurine set depicting the profit Muhammad performing goatse in front of the aforementioned demographic.

Fuck you! It could happen.

I'm willing to put blood on the line, just as long as we're clear that the blood we are talking belongs to someone else. Anyone else, actually. Except for men's blood. Because let's face it, ladies, men are just too valuable. Who else is going to suppress the women's literacy movement? Not women, that's for sure! Believe me, we tried that, but all the women did was complain and complain until we tied them to a post and beat them to death with the bodies of their own children. Do we really need to go down this road again?

But I am not a cold, spineless and absolutely cruel human being. In fact, most of you have given up on my humanity a long time ago. In order to prevent more male-oriented bloodshed, I am willing to do anything possible to prevent more male-bloodshed. For instance, instead of having men undertake the dangerous job of manning our tanks, anti-aircraft installations and artillery, we've instead used hemp rope (because we LOVE the environment) to bind women, children and homosexuals to said military installations, thereby saving thousands of (male) lives!

We surrender! Please don't shoot! I made this flag out of my friend's underwear! Why didn't I use my own? Well, after the first round of air-strikes...and well, a "brown flag" doesn't do me any fucking good, now does it?!

But my kindness doesn't stop there. I've also utilized state of the art gluing technology to attach puppies and kittens to the tops of all armored vehicles. Not only does this provide environmentally-friendly insulation, but c'mon, blowing up puppies doesn't win "hearts and minds." But we're not bad people. In an effort to win "hearts and minds" of our own, we've retrofitted a designated number of armored vehicles to serve as ice-cream distribution centers. Call us crazy, but we love our children too much NOT to use them as human shields!

Prototype ice-cream tank

Prototype balloon-tank, code-named "human shield." That isn't really a code-name, is it? 

It's more like, "hey, we're going to use human shields, just-so-you-know. Yeah."

(a photoshopped image of a tank covered with puppies and kittens is supposed to be here also, but because I'm lazy, and because you're a pervert, I instead substitute it with a link to a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens. Slut!)

In conclusion, do not judge lest ye be judged, and he who is without sin may cast the first stone. Unless we're stoning a woman and/or child, in which case go right on ahead!

In Soviet Libya, stone throws you!
...also, our children make their own death-stones. 

The Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator: Just blame it on the Liberals

Pat Robertson: The Man


As we all know, ever since God accidentally created Pat Robertson from a mutated fragment of Hitler's DNA, Liberals have been a bigger scapegoat for all society's woes than the Jews, 9/11 and violent video-games put together. But this idea is anything but original, as this Conservative axiom of "Just blame it on the Liberals" has gone unchanged throughout human history. Whether it be when the Liberal Jews decided to follow Jesus, thereby forcing the Conservative Jews to kill him in order to "conserve" their corrupt power structure. Or when the Liberal Jews in 1930's Germany decided to own successful businesses, thereby forcing the Conservative White Anglo-Saxon Protestants to "conserve" their awful business philosophies by committing genocide. Or when the Liberals of the USA promoted gay rights, thereby forcing God to arrange 70 virgins for each of the 9/11 hijackers. Or when the Western Liberals of the late 1800's ended the slave trade, thereby creating a pact with the devil, thereby causing the Haitian revolution, thereby forcing Satan to cause the 7.0 magnitude Earthquake that killed over 150,000 Haitian civilians.

You see, in Pat Robertson's world, and the ignorant wackjobs who provide him with a forum to create that world, the Liberals are to blame for all the world's problems. It is the conservatives, rather, who solve those problems by doing nothing. For you see, nothing can really be a problem if you resign yourself to hopelessness and decide that all problems are unsolvable.

Pat Robertson: The Bullshit


Bullshit was invented by "Dr." (Ph.D in Bullshit) Pat Robertson, circa 33 B.C. (or as the ATHEISTS/LIBERALS say, B.C.E.). The height of this achievement, however, did not occur until early 2010, when Pat "horse manure" Robertson stated as fact that Haiti was "cursed" after a "pact with the devil." Unfortunately for Mr. Robertson, this is somewhat based in fact, but not in the way that he thinks. You see, the myth of the Haitian pact with the devil was originally crafted by the Haitians themselves, and used as a weapon against their enslavers. During the Haitian revolution, Haitian general (a black general...IMPOSSIBLE!) Toussaint L'Ouverture used the ignorant superstitions of the Europeans (regarding African black-magic) as a weapon against Haiti's oppressors.

You see, Toussaint used an especially painful poison to assassinate enemy generals and afterwards openly claimed to have been using "black magic" to cause those deaths. The fear spread by these superstitions aided in reducing the morale of French troops. This increase in fear led to frequent retreats by French forces during battle, and also reduced French support for the war effort. You see, Mr. Robertson is not CRAZY...no, it is the cunning intellect of 17th century Haitians that serves to prove that Pat Robertson is STUPID. He's an ignorant, superstitious egomaniac, much like the French slave owners in Haiti over 200 years ago. Pat Robertson is just the kind of racist idiot that the "black magic" myth was intended to fool.


Pat Robertson: Just Blame it on the Liberals


Recently revealed on krapsody.com is a list of persons, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of God." Below, we here at Project Julio will provide a list of person's, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to "Acts of Liberals." Oh, and if you're looking instead for a "Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator," just follow this simple formula: "Problem X" is/was caused by "Liberal Group Y" because of "Liberal Action Z". Example: 9/11 (x) was caused by Homosexuals (y) because of Double-fisted anal/penile penetration (z)

Project Julio Presents: The Official 2010 Pat Robertson "Acts of Liberals":

*The Making, and epic failure of, Kevin Costner's film "Waterworld"
*Itchy Wool Sweaters
*9/11: see above example for details
*Kevin Costner
*The hole in the Ozone Layer: because liberals starved the Ozone Layer of its precious CFC's.
*Oxycontin: the only drug that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Rush Limbaugh
*Earthquake in Haiti: due to the terrible events known as the "Abolition of Slavery"
* Pedophilia: the only affliction that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Republican Congressman Mark Foley
*The Civil Rights act of 1964: "since when did MONKEY'S have the right to vote?!"
*Hurricane Katrina: again, double-fisted anal/penile penetration is responsible
*Reality: for having an "inherently liberal bias" - Stephen Colbert
and finally...
*The View: double-fisted anal/penile penetration...AGAIN

The Guest Post From Hell

What in the hell is hell? I'm not a christian or a religious person. However, IF I could define hell, I'd say that it would be having your car break down in rush hour traffic on the freeway.

There are hundreds of people trapped behind you, cars and cars full of angry eyes, they honk their horns, give fingers and yell out their windows as they go around you.

The predicament makes you so frazzled you stop thinking straight and make a hasty decision to walk to a pay phone because your cell phone is dead. Along the way to look for a pay phone an SUV full of teenagers (who are obviously driving mommy's car) chuck a milkshake on you and proceed to laugh, and speed off, splashing you with a huge puddle of water beside the road.

By the time you call for help and get back to your car, it's been towed by the police because you essentially "abandoned" the vehicle without so much as leaving a note in the window (oops, won't ever do that again.) So then you end up trying to hitch a ride. Someone finally pulls over after you flash your hairy pasty white leg at them.

You get in the car and you enter the world of "Creepy Guy" who proceeds to hit on you in every way imaginable. After protesting his advances he goes psycho on you, and robs you at screwdriver point (that's when someone holds a screwdriver to your jugular and starts making demands - thank the stars he isn't demanding teh buttsecks.)

After being robbed and beaten about the head and neck with a screwdriver handle he dumps your half-conscious body near an underpass where a stray dog humps your leg and pees all over your head. This disgusts you, but nevertheless rouses you from your concussion, and you then begin walking to the nearest pay phone to call the police. But you realize you are in Crackville, have only spare change, and waiting for the cops to arrive in such a neighborhood isn't such a good idea any way. So realizing you have some change, you instead look for the nearest bus stop to get the "hell" out of Dodge.

While waiting for the bus a homeless guy asks you for some spare change. You tell him you don't have any, but he doesn't believe you. He gets angry and belligerent. He tells you that you are not a good christian, screaming that the apocalypse is near. And then he starts to throw feces on you. You run out into the street to escape the mad man and a bus nails you head on sending you airborne.

You land on a speeding car that veers out of control when the driver freaks out, and go crashing through the front window of a 7-11 breaking a gas main. The accident causes an explosion that nearly incinerates everything within 1,000 feet of it's epicenter.

You then wake up in the hospital (since you aren't dead yet) with 3rd degree burns over 95% of your body. In fact most of your flesh is gone and they have plans to do multiple skin grafts from the skin on your ass (the only place untouched by the explosion.) Months and months into the procedure, a nurse one afternoon forgets to keep your life support plugged-in and you slowly slip into a coma.

You wake years later and don't remember anything. Everyone you knew gave up hope that you'd ever "return", and they are no longer a part of your life to help refresh your memory or hold your hand through this difficult time. An inexperienced by-the-book representative from a collections agency shows up upon hearing of your recovery and since the insurance ran out a few years ago, he/she orders that you pay the sum of $12 million dollars for your hospital stay or you're out on the street.







That's hell.

Of course hell could also be allowing a guy like me to guest post on your blog.









Visit Krapsody.com to find out what kind of hell is in store for you!

Static Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA

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It's All Krap All The Time

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Jesus (with a little help from our friends, the Dinosaurs) Continues to Bring People Together...literally. He uses glue. That's his secret. Glue.

"...and a little more here, a tad there aaaand I'm done. Let this be a reminder 

to all of you whom...make and sell t-shirts of my name in vain...without 

first consulting my lawyer. He can be reached at 555-..."

As you should already be aware (I'm looking at YOU people whom I've guilted into visiting my blog. Read past the first blog entry contained in the link, will ya! Don't make me write an article about YOU...ooh, good idea, I had better write that one down...), I have recently posted a blog entitled "Jesus, Dinosaurs and YOU!," in which I parody the literal interpretation of the bible associated with those involved in the creation (no pun intended) of the Creationist Museum (located in Kentucky...surprise!? e.g. Kentucky Law #1:Dogs may not molest cars.) or what I like to call, the most entertaining thing EVER to come out of religion (more on this later). Anyway, the article concerned an aspiring pastor who is holding a fundraiser to put himself through Seminary school (insert_semen_joke_here), and how he offered to backlink anyone who posted a blog "discussing" this. Being the husband of a Christian, I have had much practice in the satire of religion, and it was time compile my ideas which were hidden inside a stack of empty bill envelopes (i.e. I threw the bills out and instead filled the envolopes with useless crap). Much to my surprise, the aspiring pastor (though I am still not sure exactly what a pastor does except for turning dinosaurs into glue) actually read the article and even followed through with the promised backlink! This affirms the following two things:

1. Not all religious people lack a sense of humor and 2. To those that DO lack a sense of humor, I  would not advise reading the rest of the article. In fact, I would not advise reading the ABOVE part of this article...in fact, even reading this very SENTENCE is not recommended, as side effects include: nasal sodomy; ingrown eyeballs; unexplained testicular grown; urge to purchase the entire box set of "House."

Now that I've mentioned his fundraiser, AGAIN, shouldn't I logically be entitled to TWO backlinks? Or maybe one backlink that's like, twice the size of the other ones?! Or four backlinks that are HALF the size of the rest...ah well, I'll leave that decision between you and your maker (i.e. your mom and who you generally assume to be your dad). Anyway, I shall now continue my tirade against fundamentalist Christians who read the bible literally by conducting a further tirade against them as well as a tirade against pretty much every religion ever --- And yes, I'm including every religious belief, from Greek mythology (e.g. Zeus and the mountain where all the gods engage in incestual/homosexual sex and every dude seemed to give birth to extremely hot goddesses...and then have sex with them immediately thereafter) to Christiani--- (oh, we covered that one already...), to Hinduism (yes, fecal fetishes, 1,000 + sexual positions, etc.), and even Egyptian mythology (you know, mummification, burying yourself with not only all your possessions but also your living servants...[p4]). You know, all the "CRAZY" religions...

Its perfectly logical, you see. Jesus was homeless, so it only makes sense 

for Santa to be homeless too! "Hobo Santa, I want a new bicycl---I mean, 

uhm, some soup. Yea, I'd like some soup...damnit, here's 20 bucks. And 

don't tell your friends the freeloading elves or that thieving reindeer 

with the glowing nose."

If only Santa had four arms...but I digress. You see, there is a reason why SOME sects of Christianity (mostly ones which read it literally) are infinitely bizzare and insane, and therefore hilarious. Here are just a few of them, just in time for the holidays:

I. Christmas

  This day is recognized as the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ (and to show that Christians aren't just a bunch of depressed emo sissies, they celebrate his death too! Any time is a good time for a party, I guess...even BRUTAL TORTURE! Hoooraay for torture!!!). You see, he was born to a virgin mother, and if that sounds contradictory, that's because it is. Opponents might say that she was impregnated by God himself (the literal interpretation) yet, the logical conclusion from that involves God participating in hot, young virgin action with (if I read the book correctly) his own mother, Mary (if Jesus is God...and God is God..and the Holy Spirit is...uhm...Patrick Swayze?). 

Editor's note: It seems that this blog is getting a little long, so instead I shall continue it next time with: Why (some) Christians are completely insane, Part I(1) I/II(and 1/2) and so on and so forth until a complete volume has been amassed, but that surely will not be the end of it. So...until next time!

Dinosaurs, Jesus and YOU!!!

Oh...so THAT'S what happened. Oh Natural Selection, how foolish do you

feel NOW?!?!

Okay, so here's the scoop:

There's this guy who wants to attend Seminary school to become a "pastor," so he started an online funraiser. Given the context, as well as my lack of knowledge on religious matters, I will henceforth assume that "Seminary school" involves, at some point, the study of male reproductive fluids, and "pastor" referrs to some sort of combination betwen an adhesive paste (hence the root "past") and canivorous dinosaurs ("Volosaraptor" supply the "or") ...PLUS something to do with the Christian religion. Logically, the outcome looks something like this:

Now I understand why Christians called their God an "Awesome God."

Anyone who lives amongst the dinosaurs is NOT to be messed with!

Now, I understand that, thusfar, this blog entry must not only be offensive to the proespective dinosaur-glue producer, but to every single individual who regularly reads his blog. In fact, the chances that he will comply with his promise to "backlink" me on his site are next to none. However, I just googled the "Bible," and a bunch of sites came up talking about "honesty" and "keeping a promise," and "Shellfish is an abomination!" Since this is not pornography, but rather, a satirical spin on the extremes that exist within our society, I have faith that this future pastor will backlink my blog, no matter how painful it may be to read for anyone who accesses my blog from said link. In closing, here are a few important statistics:

-Chances of this guy actually reading this far into the blog: 3%

-Chances of anyone who comes here through the backlink will, after vomiting and experiencing EXTREME diarrhea, recommend the site, let alone re-visit it: 0.05%

-Chances that the wrath of God will fall upon me for my general disdain and lack of understanding of religion: 100% for Catholics, 0% for Athiests and [some percentage between 0 and 100...and stop asking me, will ya? Seriously, leave me alone or I will call the Police] for Agnostics.

Speaking of Euthanasia...Pope John Paul II --- EUTHANISED?!?!

Here's some extra dough for your troubles...and make it quick, will ya...

Aah, forgedaboudit!!!!

You'd have to see it to believe it. That damned "liberal media" has tried to supress this article from the well-known Conservative magazine "Time" which purports an argument, supported by evidence (how dare they!), that Pope John Paul II did not die of natural causes. Rather, the article claims, Paul II was part of an assisted suicide (or as the Italian medical professor interviewed in the article calls it, "Euthanized") where he is reported to have refused a feeding tube, a request which his doctors dutifully complied. Basically, if Terry Shiavo's brain was more than just a bowl of goop surrounding a brain stem, and she could do basic human activities such as speak, recognize family members and have power of attorney over herself (because she would be mentally capable of self-representation in court)...well, if this new, not-brain-dead Shiavo were in the Vatican during the whole 2005 fiasco, they would have killed her anyway. Don't you love contradictions? I sure do, especially when they pertain to the method of the contradictor's demise, such as when someone like Pope John Paul II condems euthanasia and assisted suicide as being equivalent to genocide...and then, on his death bed, asks his own doctors for euthanasia and assisted suicide.

You liberal bastards! How dare you defane our next President by showing us

his actual facial imperfections! For shame, Time magazine, FOR SHAME!!!!

*shakes fist*