Figures of Speech inspired by hobos: Part II

See Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos: Part I

Today’s exploration of the “Figures of Speech” will make-up the content of a continuous story involving myself, a colony of hobos and quite possibly extra-terrestrial life. Therefore, read each sentence in sequence, as a story of TRIVIAL SIGNIFICANCE will be revealed!

• asyndeton: Omission of conjunctions between related clauses.

Julio Grumbles discovered a 1,000 year-old tent city which was built by hobos, for hobos, with hobos. That’s right; they used the older, weaker hobos as mortar, as brick, and as accent walls…
Little did Julio know that, upon his discovery, he would become such a resident, a resident of a land without homes…just tents. Tents made out of homeless people.

• classification (literature & grammar): linking a proper noun and a common noun with an article.

It all began, 1,000 years ago, when Frederique the blind hobo, Linda the deaf crack-whore and Upgreyedd the crippled pimp sat around a burning cauldron filled with animal feces.
Though these three street-dwellers had never met, this chance meeting, unbeknownst to them, would change the fate of the Earth, and of Project Julio, forever…

• chiasmus: The word order in one clause is inverted in the other (inverted parallelism).

Soon men of all classes and faiths came to visit their encampment. They looked with the blind hobo, listened with the deaf hobo, and with the crippled hobo, they danced.

• climax: The arrangement of words or sentences in order of increasing importance.

Soon, however, unemployment hit all three major cities surrounding the three wise-men, and what was just a humble camp turned into a town, and then into a city, then back into a camp, and finally, and most importantly, it became what it remains to this day: a city of hobos.

• consonance: The repetition of consonant sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse.

The deranged ordeal started on a dark and desolate dirt-road when my 1987 Dodge-Durango ran out of diesel.

• ellipsis: Omission of words.

To make matters worse, my cell phone ran out of battery-life, as did my GPS, my HPS (hobo positioning system) and my butt-plug (travel edition ®).

• enallage: The substitution of forms that are grammatically different, but have the same meaning (e.g. isolated use of incorrect grammar; abrupt change in grammatical person; abrupt change in quantitative pronouns).

I was afraid, but determining, when I, Julio, finally exited the car. Then, out of the darknesses, a crafty hobo appeared to me in a flash of bright light! This hobo then shouts to a nearby broken street-lamp, “BOYS…I’VE DONE GOT US’S ANOTHER ONES!”

• enjambment: A breaking of a syntactic unit (a phrase, clause, or sentence) by the end of a line or between two (or more) verses.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by hobos, hobos
who began probing me with their warm,  throbbing rods
(that pierced my darkness with an eerie glow). These 
rods, I later learned, would be repeatedly inserted into
a bright, radioactive dust created by Nuclear-bomb
test which had taken place in the area during the War of 1812
reenactment which occurred sometime during the early 1960’s.

Just then, as Julio realized that he was about to be anally raped by a group of alien hobos wielding removable, glowing penises, something happened…a tiny glowing man, no more than 3 feet tall, walked up to Julio, took his hand, and in it he placed $3.50 in quarters. “E.T. Phone Home,” he said.

• enthymeme: Informal method of presenting a syllogism.

“What luck!,” I thought,  as I contemplated my fate. If a hobo, alien or not, gives someone else money, they MUST want something in return…so instead of being RAPED anally by alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises, I’m instead going to be PAID to have consensual anal sex with alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises. Fan-fucking-tabulous!

• epanalepsis: Repetition of the initial word or words of a clause or sentence at the end of the clause or sentence.

I should intervene and let my readers know that I’m okay and unharmed. My anus, luckily for me, and luckily for my anus, was spared that day. The name of the game was not “shove glowing rods into this guy’s anus.” The integrity of my anus, and all that my anal virginity represents to the integrity of my anus, remained intact.

• epistrophe: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the end of successive clauses. The counterpart of anaphora (also known as antistrophe).

Regardless, this was truly an “Encounter of the Third Kind,” where “the third kind” is defined as “anal rape” and “encounter” is defined as “being surrounded by hobo aliens” and “truly” is defined as “letters I wrote to my attorney in order strengthen my ‘psychological instability’ defense during my first murder trial.”

*Julio’s Note* To be continued…but don’t be homo(cidal)!!! In the next segment, the story continues as we discover what exactly the glowing midget meant when he said “E.T. Phone Home” and why exactly aliens would (or wouldn’t) live in an ancient, 2,000 year old hobo village!

iHobo

It has recently come to our attention that there has become a new addition to the list of movies about hobos. The Soloist, starring Jamie Foxx as the hobo, and Robert Downey Jr. as someone with a house who inexplicably doesn’t have sex with hobos. I can’t tell you anymore about this film other than that it is filled almost entirely with crazy, and mostly drug-addicted, hobos...with iPhones. I hope they didn't forget to add the iHobo app! Learn what it's like to live like a virtual hobo. You know, because it's not like actually doing it.

Dial "Hobo" for Murder!

A hobo, a chef, and an unlikely story. A murder plot hinges on the moral fortitude of Santa Monica’s homeless. A celebrity chef offers cash and food. Which will prevail: hobo hunger or hobo heroism?

 

 

 

 

Hobos Refuse Money for Murder, Turns in Chef to Police

Hobo heroism, of course. According to CBS news, “Investigators say the celebrity chef, Juan-Carlos Cruz, allegedly scouted Santa Monica, hoping to find a hit man among the homeless. The plan backfired when the homeless men tipped off police.” Bravo hobos, bravo. These “Hobo Samaritans” are the epitome of the hobo-God, Jesus, and his teachings. “Never kill a prostitute,” Jesus once said, “unless you’re a hobo…for he who is without a home may cast the first stone.”

It should be, then, no surprise that hobos came to the rescue. Hobos among us are the wisest and sturdiest of citizens. They live day in and day out without a “home,” i.e., a place which we home-dwellers use to shield us from the elements and shield our wives from our meth-lab in the basement. Yet it is a surprise to most of us. Below I will discuss the reasons why hobo heroism is so unexpected.

Hobo Heroism: When a hobo becomes a hero-bo

“Gossip website TMZ.com is reporting the intended target was Cruz’s wife Jennifer Campbell. Police confirm there are three men who claim they were offered $1,000 cash to slit a woman’s throat.” Murder for $1,000 cash is quite a large sum of money for a hobo with nothing to lose. However, opponents to this view will try to pin the chef’s arrest on his being a cheap-skate. I believe the case is much stronger in support of Hobo Bravery (herein known as “HoBravery”) and Hobo Honesty (herein known as “HoBonesty).

The Hobo-God, Jesus, tell us the story of the Hobo Samaritan

Just imagine, for a second, why this is an unbelievable scenario. What is the most defining quality of a hobo’s suffering? Hunger. What is the most defining quality of a chef’s abilities? Making food. How, then, does it come about that a hungry hobo denies the request of a gourmet chef? The allure of even a single meal might convince a normal man to commit murder if he is on the brink of starvation. But a hobo…no, not just a single hobo, but the entire hobo society of Santa Monica, defied the allure of perhaps years of satisfying meals and stable housing that a celebrity chef could provide.

And what makes this story so unbelievable is precisely what was his downfall. Namely, the false perception that the homeless will do ANYTHING for money (or food, or beer, or a naked lady) no matter how self-abasing or morally corrupt. What gives us the right to judge a man’s character simply by his poverty? If he cuts, does he not scream for hours until he is tazed by police? If he takes a dump on the street, does he not give it a name and carry it around in a paper bag? Hobos are human, believe it or not. They may be mostly crazy, delusional and potentially rabid, but they are still people.

However, no amount of mental illness or troubling economic times will undermine the hobo spirit. I believe that, if all of us are at some point in our lives forced to have unprotected gay sex in a dumpster for bus fare, we would all be as morally sound as the hobos of Santa Monica.

Epilogue

Douchebag who will soon learn how to stuff “prison sausage.”

So, a wealthy, home-dwelling TV show host attempts to kill his wife. This amounts to attempted 1st degree murder, where this is distinguished from 1st degree murder, which carries the death penalty, by the simple fact that hobo heroes intervened and brought his plan to failure.

What, then, will be the penalty of this heinous crime? A MAXIMUM OF “9 years in prison.” 9 years. For attempted 1st degree murder. And the disparity does not end there. The failed  attempt by a wealthy individual to pay for murder gets 9 years; however, the failed attempt by a hobo (or anyone) to go through with that murder carries a maximum life sentence.

This is yet another example of how the divide between the rich and poor is not just economic. It is also deeply ingrained in our justice system. Another example is the racial and economic disparity between crack and cocaine jail sentences, “It takes 100 times more powdered cocaine than crack cocaine to trigger the same harsh mandatory minimum sentences.”

Matthew, seen here, takes crap from public for public crap.

The final, and most damning, example of this disparity is the criminalization of public defecation. Matthew Sodoma, 21, who has a very apt name for this situation, is currently “being held on charges of defecating on a public sidewalk or building and…criminal mischief” simply for defecating on the sidewalk in front of a substance abuse clinic.

We are in solidarity with Matthew Sodomy. But there is still hope. The “Matthew Sodomy Legal Fund” has recently been founded for the acquittal of Matthew Sodomy with the overall goal of decriminalizing public defecation.




Trending stories about hobos and murder: Absolutely none! Well, that's FUCKED.

"Hobo Chic" and "Accidental Sexiness"

And now

another asinine guest post by Static

"Must... Self administer... Defibrillator... & Buy Fax machine... Or time machine... '07 model... Get me some hot Hobo Chick action..."

- William Shatner, famous hobo

What is "Hobo Chic" and how does it become "Accidental Sexiness"?

Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of "Hobo Chic". Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.

Is it "Hobo Chic?"

Is it "Boho Chic?"

Or is it "Heroin Chic?"

When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo...a bag lady.

The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.

I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I've had a stack of newspapers that I'm still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.

The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.

According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It's okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.

But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn't all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.

Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila...a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.

"How do they do that?" they asked, "I have to have the look!"

Similar clothing was often taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.

Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the "Hobo Chic" look.

Hobo chic: Terminator-stylee

Cruising' for hobo chicks

So how does "Hobo Chic" become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren't)?

Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick hot...as long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.

This:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

For a hobo, it's love at first sight.

As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.

Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.

These women will confess that it's easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!

After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.

They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.

Since nothing short of death seem to repel men's advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.

And this of course is how the HoBlogger is born.



The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too. NSFW.

*Julio's Note* ...and if you haven't figured out by now what "it" ~Static~ is talking about, allow me to clarify:

HOBOS GET ALL DA BOOTAY!!!!

You can find more about Hobo sluts and Static by squatting at:

Static Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA

http://www.krapsody.com

It's All Krap All The Time

funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire

Visit Krapsody.com and request a signature like this!

"Hobosapien," or, "Congratulations, Assholes!"

Here is the accepted standard of a "hobosapien" :

What is a hobosapien, you ask? A hobosapien is considered such if and only if the hobo is chronically homeless. Having your wife kick you out because you took nude pictures of her sister does not make you a hobo (although it does require massive balls). But if we analyze the question further, we still have not defined what a "hobo" is. What is a hobo, anyway? Luckily for us, our friends at the National Hobo Museum (NHM) have answered that question for us.

Scientists believe this museum to be the birthplace of the first "hobo" known only as "Garfunkele"

A hobo is not a lazy, good-for-nothing drunken vagrant, nor is he the manifestation of hopelessness and suffering. No, a hobosapien is as such by choice. Who but the wealthiest of individuals have "a way of life where you are not bound by time schedules, home owner bills, job expectations, the IRS...travel wherever you want...and never pay taxes." Homelessness is not suffering, but in fact is a "lifestyle/culture so sweet, so addictive, so seductive, so intoxicating..." and SO amazing that living with a roof over your head is practically torture! Where else can you taste food 2 months past the expiration date? How do you know what a McMuffin tastes-like when marinated in ketchup and soda for 3 days? Only by living the hobo-lifestyle can one truly become a "hobosapien."

Congratulations "Bum-Hunters": You're a FUCKING asshole!

What's the appeal of the hobo life? First of all, being a hobo can also be a lot of fun; in fact, it's a lot like bieng a pirate! Hobos, like pirates, live on the fringes of society. Like pirates, hobos search for treasure, though instead of gold deblumes, hobos usually uncover rotting food scraps or half-empty beer bottles. They usually are missing a leg (or two) and because they don't have 'real' parrots, they repeat everything they say (which is usually to themselves) twice. Hobos even follow their own "hobo code," a strict set of guidlines which explain the art of doing nothing to better oneself in a respectable and polite manner.

See, being homeless can be fun! Who wants to play Lord of the Rings...for the next 60 years?

To speak of hobos, however, without first talking about assholes is exactly like speaking of shit without first talking about food. You see, much like shit, hobos do not start off as hobos. First they are regular people like you are me. Unlike you or me, however, hobos eat out of trashcans and create endless amusement using only black markers and cardboard. But before they ascend to greatness, it is required that the hobos go through the system of assholes which is specifically designed to bring out the "inner hobo" in all of us. We all know where babies come from...but where do hobo-babies (or ho-babies) come from?

Baby hobo, exhibiting a natural ability for civil disobedience

Ho-babies are considered as such if and only if they were addicted to crack from the second they were born because of their mother's drug usage. Crack, by the way, was deliberately distributed to poor black communities by the CIA during the Vietnam War. But I digress. You see, most if not all homeless people suffer from some type of mental illness or physical disability. Drug use by their mother greatly increases the odds of this occurring, in addition to building a life-long desire for mault liquor, shitty weed and, of course, smoking crack. As you can clearly see, we now have all of the key engredients required for creating a hobosapien. Making your own hobo has never been so easy! Just remember that hobos by their very nature are to be feared; why else do we pretend to be hobos on Holloween?!

No, this isn't not "The Sims: Hobo Edition." This is actually how hobos are made. For reals.

It doesn't stop there, you see. The hobo may be entitled to mental health and drug rehabilitation services that could get their life back on track. An educational system that addresses the problem of homelessness for a student as much as preparation for a standardized test could break the cycle of poverty and learned helplessness. Unfortunately, someone doesn't want the cycle to break...someone known only as the one-and-only GIANT fucking asshole, AKA the: prick; giant dick; dick-and-ass fucker; fuck-ass shit sucker; or "ass-hole not otherwise specified (AH-NOS)."

Above: world's biggest A-hole

You see, the fucking asshole doesn't like hobos. Unlike you or me, the fucking asshole is not entertained by hobos in and of themselves. They treat hobos like garbage for one simple reason: they can. They have a deep desire to perpetuate a lower-class of persons in order to artificially elevate their own status and overstate their own accomplishments. For these people, without hobos, the idea of having 9 homes just wouldn't be as glamorous. When coupled with the fact that many people have NO homes, however, 9 homes is just, well, a fucking incredible example of a successful free-market economy! Not to mention the fact that hobos who actually DO rise above homelessness end up doing menial physical labor at the expense of their physical well-being all for the simple goal of building new condiminiums, sports arenas and other useless yuppie garbage that only makes the world a better place for those who can afford it.

This statium is DEFINATELY worth the cost of getting 700,000 homeless people the help they need! USA: 1 Hobos: 0

But then again, maybe hobos are just LAZY. I mean, the fact that 1/3 of the homeless are severely mentally ill only illuminates the liberal bias of psychology and its over 60 years of intricately analyzed methodology and research. Perhaps then ALL of social science is hogwash. I mean, what is a "random sampling" other than individuals who are randomly selected from the group demographic of the particular study that alltogether represents the demographic as a hole. I mean, other than being the basic foundation of sound law-making in this country, what IS social science anyway? Sounds like liberal fact-finding of the reality-centered Left...yea, that's it...Great Job!

"HoBlogging" (i.e. Hobo Blogging) and "Twittering Without a Nest"

Say goodbye to Youtube, Facebook and even Google because there is a new phenomenon taking the internet by storm: HoBlogging (i.e. hobo blogging). Yes, this is no typo; hobloggers do exist. Remember the hobo that always sits near a pile of garbage between Taco Bell and McDonalds? He has a blog. The naked Mexican whose best friend is a shopping cart filled with empty boxes of cigarettes? He's got a blog too. It appears that even homeless people, the absolute lowest class in society, cannot abstain from writing about the mundane aspects of everyday life.

Most Recent Post: Interview with the GIANT SHIT I took on 7th ave. near FootLocker

What are they writing about? The best place in the city to grab a hamburger...half-eaten? The loudest nightclub...that you can hear from the alleyway? The nuances of local produce...found in a dumpster as compared to canned produce...found on the ground near the dumpster? Although little is known about the origins of HoBlogging, one can surmise that it began with the mystical union of a hobo, a computer and frequent complaints by library patrons regardeing a pungent odor...an odor itself ceated by the mustical union of urine, human fecal matter and used tampons (classic signs of a hobo blogger, or HoBlogger).

Artist's rendering of a hobo-compatable computer. Powered by spare change.

This phenomenon first caught my attention during one of my frequent visits to lifelong rival NPR. The story (click here) told of the online adventures of Eric Sheptock (visit blog here), a part-time janitor and full-time hobo. He started a blog using the hobo-friendly facilities available in the Washington D.C. (i.e., hobo capital of the U.S., i.e. juxtoposition of imaginary U.S. wealth/freedom and real U.S. poverty/class warefare.). His blog focuses on educating the house-living home-ful public about very true and very disturbing facts about homelessness. Since I haven't actually read it, however, I prefer to imagine that it provides helpful tips on topics such as: sign-drafting and design; loitering safety; and how to bathe in a public restroom.

"I don't cleam, I'm not cleaM"

Look, hobos. Since you're capable of blogging I am sure that you're probably reading this (certainly no one with a life would!). I don't hate the homeless. I feel your pain. I, too, know what it is like to wake up every morning in a different place covered with my own bodily fluids (LSD is a crazy drug!). I am forced to ask total strangers for change on a daily basis (though us house'd folk call them "tips"). I even dig through dumpsters and garbage cans for food (no witty remark this time...I just love eating garbage!). You may not like the fact that I am making light of your plight (that rhymes!), and it may be my one-way ticket to eternal damnation (forced to read hoblogs for ALL ETERNITY!), but if you can't find humor in everything, anything can end up making you feel hopeless (deep man...real deep).

Oh, and did I mention they produce their very own hobo "tweets", AKA "Tweets without Nests"? Below is a list of my favorite hobo-authored twitter activity (*note: not all tweets are by the same HoBlogger):

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fist time eva using twitter...anybodey have spare change?

6:34 PM April 7th from the web

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found a half-full (or half-empty, depending on how you look at it) bottle of Coca Cola. Turns out it was filled with piss...MY piss.

7:14 AM April 7th from the web

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got a flat shopping-cart-tire today. Tride to steel new 1 from BestBuy but police sed noes.

11:45 AM March 12th from the new cardboard computer

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Banker LFW (Looking for Work). Former employers: Enron, AIG, Lehman Bros. N33d $$$ to keep Yacht.

3:30 PM March 6th from my Yacht

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find another half-full bottle of Coca Cola. Also filled with piss...probly same bottle as b4 =(

8:14 AM April 7th from the web

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Above: Photo of Eric Sheptock, first of what we hope to be many "HoBloggers." If you or anyone else are in the D.C. area and would like to provide him with assistance and/or use him in a satirical documentary on the financial disparities that exist in the USA, please e-mail him at ericsheptock@yahoo.com