And now
another asinine guest post by Static
"Must... Self administer... Defibrillator... & Buy Fax machine... Or time machine... '07 model... Get me some hot Hobo Chick action..."
- William Shatner, famous hobo
What is "Hobo Chic" and how does it become "Accidental Sexiness"?
Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of "Hobo Chic". Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.
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| Is it "Hobo Chic?" |
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| Is it "Boho Chic?" |
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| Or is it "Heroin Chic?" |
When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo...a bag lady.
The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.
I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I've had a stack of newspapers that I'm still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.
The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.
According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It's okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.
But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn't all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.
Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila...a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.
"How do they do that?" they asked, "I have to have the look!"
Similar clothing was often
taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.
Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the "Hobo Chic" look.
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| Hobo chic: Terminator-stylee |
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| Cruising' for hobo chicks |
So how does "Hobo Chic" become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren't)?
Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick hot...as long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.
This:
Becomes this:
And this:
Becomes this:
And this:
Becomes this:
For a hobo, it's love at first sight.
As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.
Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.
These women will confess that it's easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!
After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.
They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.
Since nothing short of death seem to repel men's advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.
And this of course is how the
HoBlogger is born.
The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too.
NSFW.
*Julio's Note* ...and if you haven't figured out by now what "it" ~Static~ is talking about, allow me to clarify:
HOBOS GET ALL DA BOOTAY!!!!
You can find more about
Hobo sluts and
Static by squatting at:
Static
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