Monday, February 28, 2011

al-Gadaffi to Libyan People: The Revolution Was MY IDEA. Your welcome.



gaddafi with the people

Greetings cockroaches people of Libya. Yes, it is I, Muammar al-Gaddafi, democratically elected (by 100% of Muammar al-Gadaffes) dictator President of Libya AND hack author of this here Project Julio internet(s).

I ask you, Libyans, why so glum? We are one of the 10 wealthiest oil-producing countries in the world! With that kind of cash, we can afford extravagant luxury items such as limousine-Hummers for President the honorable Muammar al-Gaddafi; all virgin, all-female bodyguards for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL Muammar al-Gaddafi; as well as golden fountains of highly enriched anal lube for President the honorable TOTALLY COOL (and definately NOT Hitler) Muammar al-Gaddafi!


Don’t you see? We are united as one, the people AND Muammar al-Gaddafi. Therefore, what is good for Muammar al-Gaddafi MUST be good for the people.

For instance, referring to Muammar al-Gaddafi in the third person is good for the people. And since al-Gaddafi and the people are one, when I am referring to the people of Libya in the third person, I am also ipso facto referring to myself. Therefore, when I am referring to a revolution of “the people” I am really referring to a revolution of al-Gaddafi. Therefore, al-Gaddafi is revolting against al-Gaddafi!

BRAIN ANEURYSM!

No, seriously, I think I need a doct—oh mierda, yo ahora hablo espaƱol!!!!

Shocking Confession Part I: Project Julio is Written by a 14-year-old Girl who LOVES Justin Bieber!

Me and my friends before a Justin Bieber concert

See how much I love Justin Bieber!? Just about as much as I love talkin’ about hobos.

I started blogging when I was only 11 years old. That was when my best friend, a hobo named Christopher Googlenherst III, died of cardiac arrest after realizing that an 11-year-old girl was his best friend, and that instead of being a successful Wall-Street Banker, he is a hobo whose best friend was an 11-year-old girl.

Pfft, LOSER! Ha!

Do We Live in a World Where...

Do we live in a world where…
wait, do we even know if we live in a “world” at all?
Is this even a real world at all?!
Is THIS real, are YOU real, am I even real?!
What about pickled pigs feet and the less popular pickled
POPE dicks?!
And of the origins of the origins of the “Origins of Species” by the great sir Charles Darwin (Audiobook by Dennis Quaid. Yeah, that guy from “Dragonheart.” Have they no RESPECT?)
And of the recent discovery that I have an extremely large
fireplace in my new apartment.
AND by “in my new apartment” I of course mean my ass-
ortment of new apartment homes made out of discarded
tractor-trailers used for interstate transport.

iHobo

It has recently come to our attention that there has become a new addition to the list of movies about hobos. The Soloist, starring Jamie Foxx as the hobo, and Robert Downey Jr. as someone with a house who inexplicably doesn’t have sex with hobos. I can’t tell you anymore about this film other than that it is filled almost entirely with crazy, and mostly drug-addicted, hobos...with iPhones. I hope they didn't forget to add the iHobo app! Learn what it's like to live like a virtual hobo. You know, because it's not like actually doing it.



BP to Use Experimental "Stick Rod-in-Hole" Technique


This is a picture of Rod Stewart.
And yes, they are going to shove him in the hole.
 “We’re essentially going to fuck mother Earth in her glory hole” said British Petroleum (BP) CEO, Tony Hayward.

At his 46th Press Conference, Hayward revealed his “Stick Rod in Hole” technique as the latest solution to the oil spill which had been spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for over 6-weeks.

BP is recovering from several failed attempts at closing the oil spill, the latest of which was “Top Kill,” in which mud, golf balls and Obama’s approval ratings were pumped into the oil well.

Since then, the hole has been successfully “capped,” but a permanent solution has, until now, yet to be decided on.

Hayward’s reputation, and the reputation of BP, are intimately connected to the success of “Stick Rod in Hole,” codenamed “the Big Bang.”

“We’re going to fuck the Earth before the Earth fucks us,” Hayward added, in his usual way of completely ignoring reporter’s questions and saying whatever the fuck he feels like.

 “I feel America’s pain,” he concluded, as he climbed aboard his signature solid-gold helicopter “Dy-No-Mite” which was filled to capacity by bikini-clad supermodels and piloted by actor/comedian Jimmie Walker who starred in the 70′s sit-com “Good Times.”

The logistics of the plan are as follows:

1. Laser-guided Robotic submarines (from the future!) will position a 30-ton stone phallus about 1 mile underwater into the appropriate position, known as the “missionary” position.

2. The robots will then begin playing Marvin Gaye’s “Lets get it on” using specially-designed underwater speakers.

3. The phallic rod will then be coated with industrial and commercial lubricants and injected into the giant leaking hole using a military-grade explosive charge.

4. Combining this operation with “Top Kill,” a hollow tube within the rod will inject mud, golf balls and Obama’s apathetic and submissive response to the disaster directly into the hole, hopefully sealing the leak for good.

Dial "Hobo" for Murder!

A hobo, a chef, and an unlikely story. A murder plot hinges on the moral fortitude of Santa Monica’s homeless. A celebrity chef offers cash and food. Which will prevail: hobo hunger or hobo heroism?

 

 

 

 

Hobos Refuse Money for Murder, Turns in Chef to Police

Hobo heroism, of course. According to CBS news, “Investigators say the celebrity chef, Juan-Carlos Cruz, allegedly scouted Santa Monica, hoping to find a hit man among the homeless. The plan backfired when the homeless men tipped off police.” Bravo hobos, bravo. These “Hobo Samaritans” are the epitome of the hobo-God, Jesus, and his teachings. “Never kill a prostitute,” Jesus once said, “unless you’re a hobo…for he who is without a home may cast the first stone.”

It should be, then, no surprise that hobos came to the rescue. Hobos among us are the wisest and sturdiest of citizens. They live day in and day out without a “home,” i.e., a place which we home-dwellers use to shield us from the elements and shield our wives from our meth-lab in the basement. Yet it is a surprise to most of us. Below I will discuss the reasons why hobo heroism is so unexpected.

Hobo Heroism: When a hobo becomes a hero-bo

“Gossip website TMZ.com is reporting the intended target was Cruz’s wife Jennifer Campbell. Police confirm there are three men who claim they were offered $1,000 cash to slit a woman’s throat.” Murder for $1,000 cash is quite a large sum of money for a hobo with nothing to lose. However, opponents to this view will try to pin the chef’s arrest on his being a cheap-skate. I believe the case is much stronger in support of Hobo Bravery (herein known as “HoBravery”) and Hobo Honesty (herein known as “HoBonesty).

hobo samaritan
The Hobo-God, Jesus, tell us the story of the Hobo Samaritan
Just imagine, for a second, why this is an unbelievable scenario. What is the most defining quality of a hobo’s suffering? Hunger. What is the most defining quality of a chef’s abilities? Making food. How, then, does it come about that a hungry hobo denies the request of a gourmet chef? The allure of even a single meal might convince a normal man to commit murder if he is on the brink of starvation. But a hobo…no, not just a single hobo, but the entire hobo society of Santa Monica, defied the allure of perhaps years of satisfying meals and stable housing that a celebrity chef could provide.

And what makes this story so unbelievable is precisely what was his downfall. Namely, the false perception that the homeless will do ANYTHING for money (or food, or beer, or a naked lady) no matter how self-abasing or morally corrupt. What gives us the right to judge a man’s character simply by his poverty? If he cuts, does he not scream for hours until he is tazed by police? If he takes a dump on the street, does he not give it a name and carry it around in a paper bag? Hobos are human, believe it or not. They may be mostly crazy, delusional and potentially rabid, but they are still people.

However, no amount of mental illness or troubling economic times will undermine the hobo spirit. I believe that, if all of us are at some point in our lives forced to have unprotected gay sex in a dumpster for bus fare, we would all be as morally sound as the hobos of Santa Monica.

Epilogue


tv-chef-murderer
Douchebag who will soon learn how to stuff “prison sausage.”

So, a wealthy, home-dwelling TV show host attempts to kill his wife. This amounts to attempted 1st degree murder, where this is distinguished from 1st degree murder, which carries the death penalty, by the simple fact that hobo heroes intervened and brought his plan to failure.

What, then, will be the penalty of this heinous crime? A MAXIMUM OF “9 years in prison.” 9 years. For attempted 1st degree murder. And the disparity does not end there. The failed  attempt by a wealthy individual to pay for murder gets 9 years; however, the failed attempt by a hobo (or anyone) to go through with that murder carries a maximum life sentence.

This is yet another example of how the divide between the rich and poor is not just economic. It is also deeply ingrained in our justice system. Another example is the racial and economic disparity between crack and cocaine jail sentences, “It takes 100 times more powdered cocaine than crack cocaine to trigger the same harsh mandatory minimum sentences.”

Sodomy
Matthew, seen here, takes crap from public for public crap.
The final, and most damning, example of this disparity is the criminalization of public defecation. Matthew Sodoma, 21, who has a very apt name for this situation, is currently “being held on charges of defecating on a public sidewalk or building and…criminal mischief” simply for defecating on the sidewalk in front of a substance abuse clinic.

We are in solidarity with Matthew Sodomy. But there is still hope. The “Matthew Sodomy Legal Fund” has recently been founded for the acquittal of Matthew Sodomy with the overall goal of decriminalizing public defecation.




Trending stories about hobos and murder: Absolutely none! Well, that's FUCKED.

Joe Biden: An Automatic Biography





“Alright, who let him out of his cage?”


Barack Obama on Joe Biden

“Finally, someone finally is taking office that will actually bail us out!”
Amtrak on Joe Biden

Introduction
Joe —”insert foot-in-mouth“—Biden is best known for being the Vice Presidential pick of President Barack “Pronounces Words Correctly” Obama. Obama, aside from being the first openly black president of the United States who has no “Negro dialect,” is the only reason anyone will ever remember the name: Biden. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.

Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Joe “who—the plumber?” Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly[1] born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would “Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya…Oh shit, you’re a God-damned cripple, aren’t you?!.”
Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry “Kill Them Japs” Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, being a frickin’ child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of lack of age, experience and potty training would not play a factor.

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Queen Latifah. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this “Joe Biden” until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually (after three hard-fought hours) lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

To add insult to irony, the eventual (after 12 years of campaigning) victor of the 2008 election turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew Obama’s name, and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as an “Baracka-brations” In addition, during the general election, John McCain (R-OLD), a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated. This victory officially made Obama the first Muslim/Mortal Kombat Character to be elected president.

According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no-one interviewed for this story even knows who or what a “Joe Biden” is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new “Starbuck’s coffee-drink,” while the minority (mostly Bob Barr supporters) believed Joe Biden to be a “common sexual endeavor involving muskrats, anal beads and shaving cream.” On a recent episode of Family Feud, however, the survey found “anal beads” to be the #1 answer to the question, “Name something Barack Obama recently revealed at the Democratic National Convention.”

Personal Life

Family

Mmm…tastes like my foot!

Biden was the father of three children and proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, still angry at Satan for creating “happiness”, decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children, as a sort of celestial Social Worker. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden’s wife too, allowing him to became a single father of two children…two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered “Clark Kent” type of person. Then God murdered his family, turning him into a real-life, God-hating and all around bad mother— SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Need proof? Here’s an actual quote recorded in his memoir shortly after the incident: “I liked to walk around seedy
neighborhoods at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight
God had played a horrible trick on me…I’m gonna KILL that son-of-a-bitch (God)! SATAN, IMBUE ME WITH YOUR DEMONIC AURA! I…AM…INVINCIBLE!!” Seriously, that’s what he fucking said. Mostly.

Memoir

Biden’s first memoir reached the top of the Best-Sellers list. His latest memoir, entitled “Joe Biden: I’m infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I’m resigning!“, however, was the worst selling book of any kind ever produced in history. Ever. It even beat out such terrible literature such as “Hitler: He’s the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with…then kill nine million people” and “Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren’t spears!” After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-for-tv movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the World of Literature and has been, according to extremely unreliable and nerdy sources, active in the World of Warcraft.

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