Wednesday, July 29, 2009

FROST-HITLER: The Secret Interviews FINALLY Released!

Image Hosted at ImageLodge.net
Movie to be released during WW3

Until now, no one really knows what happened during Hitler's last days on Earth...except, maybe, for the guy who wrote this book. Or the guy who wrote the screenplay for this movie. And maybe even God (i.e. FSM). But I bet you would have never guessed that British journalist, David Frost/Oprah Winfrey, parachuted behind enemy lines during the last days of WWII to conduct an interview of the likes the world had never seen...and interview with the infamous genocidal dictator, Adolf Hitler/Dick Cheney. Below is a transcript of the interview. Unfortunately, the video itself was given to NASA for safekeeping...and they eventually recorded over it with sports bloopers and fart jokes. Fucking NASA.

FROST/HITLER Interview; April 30th, 1945; 12:00 H.S.T. (Hitler Standard Time)...oh, and Hail Hitler!

Photobucket
Frost: Thank you, Hitler, for taking the time to see me. It's an honor, no a priveledge, no a wish come true to be here in your presense today. Let's film that again; I don't want to be interpreted as Pro-Hitler, but rather, Hitler-Sympathetic. *clears throat* I appreciate you taking the time to see me, mein Fuhror...FUCK! How about you start?

FROST/HITLER Interview; April 30th, 1945; 12:05 H.S.T. (Hitler Standard Time)...oh, and Hail Hitler!

Hitler: Thank you, Frost, for wasting the final moments of my life with a paltry attempt of muckraking by making a man whom everyone knows is guilty admit that he's guilty. Great job! Here's my idea for your NEXT interview: O.J. Simpson
Photobucket
Frost: Who's "O.J. Simpson"?
Hitler: Nevermind. Anway, I assume you want to ask me about the "holocaust," my antisemitism, my abusive father and the invasion of Europe and its subsequent anexation by Germany.
Oprah
Frost: Oh, right, of course. Please, tell me about the "holocaust," your antisemitism, your abusive father and the invastion of Europe with that anexxy-thing you mentioned.

Photobucket
Hitler: Well, obviously due to my antisemitism, I vehemently despise the Jewish race. I simply took that hate to its logical conclusion and killed as many of them as I could. So, I suppose, in that way, I was victorious. However, if it wasn't those darned kids, and the United States of America, and my BRILLIANT strategy of a war on two fronts, we'd be conducting this interview in German and you'd be licking my boots! And speaking of which, PLEASE stop licking my boots!
Photobucket
Frost: Sorry, Mein Fuhror! I mean, I was collecting DNA for cloning purposes.


Hitler: What's "cloning"?
Oprah
Frost: Nevermind. Anyway, now I'd like to ask you if you are ready to apologize for the murder, by way of execution, torture and/or acts of war, of 20 million people.
Photobucket
Hitler: You've got me there Mr. Frost. I have no choice but to concede this debate over to your side. What I did was wrong. I gave the order for the execution, torture and acts fo war which were responsible for the deaths of 20 million people. I'm...I"m...sorry.
Photobucket
Frost: ...this interview needs to be about 12-hours long in order to get a movie deal, so could you please hold out just a LITTLE longer?

*explosion* *gunshots* *unintelligible Russian voices*

Photobucket
Hitler: I'm afraid I'll have to be going. If the Russians catch me alive they'll yank off my testicles
Photobucket
Frost: But...but where will you go? You CAN'T go...you're my hero!
Photobucket
Hitler: But I MUST go, Mr. Frost. You're a real journalist now! You'll be interviewing megalomaniacs such as myself for many, many years! Now, I must go. The crew of my secret, ahead-of-its-time space station await my presence! And oh, tell them Ava and I killed ourselves. People believe ANYONE who has a British accent!
Photobucket
Frost: *sniffle* Good-bye Hitler...Good-bye!

*rocket-engines ignite*

Photobucket
Goodbye Hitler, goodbye...for now? *dun dun dunnn*

Monday, July 20, 2009

"Hobo Chic" and "Accidental Sexiness"

And now


another asinine guest post by Static


needs more shatner "Must... Self administer... Defibrillator... & Buy Fax machine... Or time machine... '07 model... Get me some hot Hobo Chick action..."

- William Shatner, famous hobo









What is "Hobo Chic" and how does it become "Accidental Sexiness"?

Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of "Hobo Chic". Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.

hobo chicks
Is it "Hobo Chic?"

boho chic?
Is it "Boho Chic?"

heroin chic?
Or is it "Heroin Chic?"

When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo...a bag lady.

The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.

I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I've had a stack of newspapers that I'm still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.

The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.

According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It's okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.

But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn't all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.

Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila...a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.

"How do they do that?" they asked, "I have to have the look!"

Similar clothing was often taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.

Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the "Hobo Chic" look.

hobo chic terminator stylee
Hobo chic: Terminator-stylee


Cruising' for hobo chicks
Cruising' for hobo chicks



So how does "Hobo Chic" become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren't)?

Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick hot...as long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.

This:
not so hot bag lady

Becomes this:
hot belly dancer


And this:
not so hot hobo grandma

Becomes this:
not so hot exotic dancer


And this:
hot for a hobo chick

Becomes this:
for a hobo it's instant love

For a hobo, it's love at first sight.


Hoboken, NJ As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.

Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.

These women will confess that it's easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!

After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.

They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.

Since nothing short of death seem to repel men's advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.

And this of course is how the HoBlogger is born.

HoBlogger

The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too. NSFW.

*Julio's Note* ...and if you haven't figured out by now what "it" ~Static~ is talking about, allow me to clarify:

Photobucket
HOBOS GET ALL DA BOOTAY!!!!



You can find more about Hobo sluts and Static by squatting at:

Static
Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor
the Land of Arse
USA
It's All Krap All The Time
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit Krapsody.com and request a signature like this!

Monday, July 6, 2009

"Hobosapien," or, "Congratulations, Assholes!"

Here is the accepted standard of a "hobosapien" :

Photobucket

What is a hobosapien, you ask? A hobosapien is considered such if and only if the hobo is chronically homeless. Having your wife kick you out because you took nude pictures of her sister does not make you a hobo (although it does require massive balls). But if we analyze the question further, we still have not defined what a "hobo" is. What is a hobo, anyway? Luckily for us, our friends at the National Hobo Museum (NHM) have answered that question for us.

Photobucket
Scientists believe this museum to be the birthplace of the first "hobo" known only as "Garfunkele"

A hobo is not a lazy, good-for-nothing drunken vagrant, nor is he the manifestation of hopelessness and suffering. No, a hobosapien is as such by choice. Who but the wealthiest of individuals have "a way of life where you are not bound by time schedules, home owner bills, job expectations, the IRS...travel wherever you want...and never pay taxes." Homelessness is not suffering, but in fact is a "lifestyle/culture so sweet, so addictive, so seductive, so intoxicating..." and SO amazing that living with a roof over your head is practically torture! Where else can you taste food 2 months past the expiration date? How do you know what a McMuffin tastes-like when marinated in ketchup and soda for 3 days? Only by living the hobo-lifestyle can one truly become a "hobosapien."

Congratulations "Bum-Hunters": You're a FUCKING asshole!

What's the appeal of the hobo life? First of all, being a hobo can also be a lot of fun; in fact, it's a lot like bieng a pirate! Hobos, like pirates, live on the fringes of society. Like pirates, hobos search for treasure, though instead of gold deblumes, hobos usually uncover rotting food scraps or half-empty beer bottles. They usually are missing a leg (or two) and because they don't have 'real' parrots, they repeat everything they say (which is usually to themselves) twice. Hobos even follow their own "hobo code," a strict set of guidlines which explain the art of doing nothing to better oneself in a respectable and polite manner.

Photobucket
See, being homeless can be fun! Who wants to play Lord of the Rings...for the next 60 years?

To speak of hobos, however, without first talking about assholes is exactly like speaking of shit without first talking about food. You see, much like shit, hobos do not start off as hobos. First they are regular people like you are me. Unlike you or me, however, hobos eat out of trashcans and create endless amusement using only black markers and cardboard. But before they ascend to greatness, it is required that the hobos go through the system of assholes which is specifically designed to bring out the "inner hobo" in all of us. We all know where babies come from...but where do hobo-babies (or ho-babies) come from?

Photobucket
Baby hobo, exhibiting a natural ability for civil disobedience

Ho-babies are considered as such if and only if they were addicted to crack from the second they were born because of their mother's drug usage. Crack, by the way, was deliberately distributed to poor black communities by the CIA during the Vietnam War. But I digress. You see, most if not all homeless people suffer from some type of mental illness or physical disability. Drug use by their mother greatly increases the odds of this occurring, in addition to building a life-long desire for mault liquor, shitty weed and, of course, smoking crack. As you can clearly see, we now have all of the key engredients required for creating a hobosapien. Making your own hobo has never been so easy! Just remember that hobos by their very nature are to be feared; why else do we pretend to be hobos on Holloween?!

Photobucket
No, this isn't not "The Sims: Hobo Edition." This is actually how hobos are made. For reals.

It doesn't stop there, you see. The hobo may be entitled to mental health and drug rehabilitation services that could get their life back on track. An educational system that addresses the problem of homelessness for a student as much as preparation for a standardized test could break the cycle of poverty and learned helplessness. Unfortunately, someone doesn't want the cycle to break...someone known only as the one-and-only GIANT fucking asshole, AKA the: prick; giant dick; dick-and-ass fucker; fuck-ass shit sucker; or "ass-hole not otherwise specified (AH-NOS)."

Dick Cheney Pictures, Images and Photos
Above: world's biggest A-hole

You see, the fucking asshole doesn't like hobos. Unlike you or me, the fucking asshole is not entertained by hobos in and of themselves. They treat hobos like garbage for one simple reason: they can. They have a deep desire to perpetuate a lower-class of persons in order to artificially elevate their own status and overstate their own accomplishments. For these people, without hobos, the idea of having 9 homes just wouldn't be as glamorous. When coupled with the fact that many people have NO homes, however, 9 homes is just, well, a fucking incredible example of a successful free-market economy! Not to mention the fact that hobos who actually DO rise above homelessness end up doing menial physical labor at the expense of their physical well-being all for the simple goal of building new condiminiums, sports arenas and other useless yuppie garbage that only makes the world a better place for those who can afford it.

statium
This statium is DEFINATELY worth the cost of getting 700,000 homeless people the help they need! USA: 1 Hobos: 0

But then again, maybe hobos are just LAZY. I mean, the fact that 1/3 of the homeless are severely mentally ill only illuminates the liberal bias of psychology and its over 60 years of intricately analyzed methodology and research. Perhaps then ALL of social science is hogwash. I mean, what is a "random sampling" other than individuals who are randomly selected from the group demographic of the particular study that alltogether represents the demographic as a hole. I mean, other than being the basic foundation of sound law-making in this country, what IS social science anyway? Sounds like liberal fact-finding of the reality-centered Left...yea, that's it...Great Job!

Image Hosted at ImageLodge.net

Recent Posts

Popular Posts

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...