Friday, February 27, 2009

MP3 Players Kill Teens, Prove Natural Selection

According to NPR, a teen was recently run-over by a train. This normally would be hilarious to me; since the incident occurred because the teen was too busy listening to his I-Pod, however, it can (and should) now be hilarious to anyone. The story, entitled, "With MP3 Player On, Teen Didn't Hear Train," fails to envoke the sympathy one would expect from NPR. Their second attempt, "Caution: Walking And Cell Phones Don't Mix," in fact, envokes even further suspicion as to the intelligence level of the anticipated audience, which surely cannot be anyone who reads NPR, let alone knows what it is. This is why, if I could travel in time to that day with just enough time to save him of his impending death...I don't think that I would do it. Darwin and I both agree that nature is perfectly capable of handling this case all by itself.

Darwin will learn you Pictures, Images and Photos
Darwin, the first and only heterosexual bird-watcher

Thus, we arrive at the topic of this article. Think about the turtles hatching on the beach and head towards the ocean. Though we hope for their safe arrival, it is not humanity's place to interfere with natural selection by unloading a 12-guage semi-automatic shotgun into the hawks and other carnivorous animals that try to eat them. In the same way, human evolution also incorporates natural selection, which for you idiots out there means that only those "fit" to survive until procreation are allowed to pass their genes onto future generations.  
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Thanks to a twist of fate and/or God's twisted sense of irony, teen Joshua White was never 
allowed to pass on his curse/genes onto future generations...why ironic? He was an avid 
listening to Christian music, and was probably listening to it at the time of his death...where 
was "GOD" then? Hopefully, he was busy saying the following:
"Our God is an awesome god he reigns..FUCK, JOSHUA, LOOKOUT FOR THAT...ah, 
fuck it, you're a dumbass anyway."

Now let us return to the teen who was hit by a train because his MP3 player was "too loud." He was deliberately walking on the train tracks. Even if we assume that the teen never saw the movie "Stand by Me," we can assume that he knows that train tracks exist for the sole purpose of moving trains. Similarly, roads exist for the sole purpose of moving vehicles. As a result, there is not a single person out there who feels a need to inform the public of the dangers of "crossing the road without looking both ways." Yet, for some reason, the "San Francisco Transport Agency" feels the need to inform the public of the dangers of "walking in front of a moving train...while listening to music!" Seriously...THERE'S A PUBLIC AWARENESS CAMPAIGN on the "DANGERS of WALKING in FRONT of TRAINS"...Idiocracy was right, this country is going to SHIT if our future leaders can't walk from point A to B without getting hit by the LARGEST VEHICLES in the world (i.e. trains, moron)!

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Beethoven? Are people who listen to Beethoven really that stupid (why not Jay-Z)? Or instead is the ad demonstrating that even deaf people manage to avoid being killed by trains, thereby multiplying the stupidity required for such an event to occur...

I apologize if I seem insensitive, but if you are 16 years old and do NOT understand the concept of "a 100 ton train moving at 60 mph will CRUSH you instantly," perhaps this world is not for you. Would you want such a mentally deficient teen driving on the same roads as your teen whom you raised to live in the same reality as everyone else? There should be a similar ad campaign entitled, "Hey there, idiot...please stand on the X below this sign. Now walk three steps to your right. If you're still reading this, you probably weren't just hit by a train... CONGRATULATIONS!!!" This would reduce the cost of entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, Welfare, etc. by weeding people out of our society who are too smart to be considered "retarded" yet too stupid to be considered "not retarded." I'm looking at you, guy who asks "do you serve hot coffee..." at a coffee shop. I'm sorry, we only serve COLD JUICE HERE. DUMBASS!!! Anyway, it would be a good campaign is all I'm saying.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Organ FAIL! When Your Internal Organs Turn to Mush (or an equitable consistency)

At some point in our lives, we are each going to come face-to-face with our maker. This is especially frightening in Tom Cruise's case, since his "maker" is intergalactic space-pirate "Lord Xenu." Regardless, that security-blanket you call a "religion" can't protect you from physical death, no matter how increasingly painful and horrific those deaths become as I list them in quasi-alphabetical order: Instant fecal-hemmoraging; diabetes of the genitals; innumerable stab-wounds (to the face); the first/any season of: The Apprentice; Grey's Anatomy; House; and finally, "Grey and his gay lover's anatomy don't allow for a biological offspring."

Despite your best efforts, organ failure is often irreversible, which is sort of humanity's way to say, "Hey God, F-You! Your "complicated" universe can't even re-animate my internal organs...oh shit, how can I be alive talking if...crap, I'm in Hell, aren't I? Well, at least I don't have to listen to "Christian Rock" anymore!" To make a long story short, here are my FAVORITE examples/proof of a Godless, meaningless universe!!!

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Looks like "Mother Nature" disciplined this pair of blood filtration devices!

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"An image of a human heart undergoing angiography to repair a massive aneurysm of the aortal arch." Well, there isn't anything more to say, is there? Humanity: 1 Nature: 1 God: 0!!!

Well, that's all for now. For more, please put on a white doctor's coat with the word "Doctor" followed by "Your Name" and visit your nearest Emergency Room!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Biggest Ass-holes In The Entire World

This is not about evil tyrants and revolutionary visionaries such as Hitler. This is about everyday assholes who take being an asshole too far and in fact become a total "dick douchebag HOLY FUCK did he just do that!" The following are examples of such extreme assholery.

Cutting in line is usually not a good idea at a restaurant which exclusively serves to impoverished drug addicts who never learned how to cook.


Everyone punches a baby once in a while, right?


Why did Oscar Grant CHOOSE to be black?

it's like taking $10 from a 6-year-old boy...

Did he punch the kid to make sure that he would always remember some dude F'ing his mom?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Shock! Blogging Tutorial

Though it might not sound like it, "Shock! blogging" can sometimes require the diligence and malnourishment of a Tibetan monk. Myself being a tibetan monk, I have taken it upon myself to deliver unto thee the exact procedure required to make a high-quality "Shock!" blog-entry. It goes as follows:

Step 1: Find a Shocking Image which fits the criteria of a "Shock!" image (i.e., is it shocking?).

Step 2: Upload appropriately innapropriate "Shock!" image onto photobucket

Step 3: Select "Re-Mix" sub-menu (http://s212.photobucket.com/albums/cc87/Yourusername/?action=remix)
a. drag an appropriate "NSFW" alert image (gallery) in the first slot of the editor
b. place "blur" effect/transition
c. place innapropriate "Shock! blog" photo entry into slot

Step 4: Paste HTML to your blog to enjoy an appropriately innapropriate Shock! blog. SAFE FOR WORK (SFW) version/NOT SAFE FOR WORK (NSFW) version...link to SFW version: *photo of naked nun* followed by, "hey, douchebag, GET BACK TO WORK YOU LAZY FUCK!!! What the hell's your problem. Why are you looking at this bullshit instead of working. What kind of job do you have? Accountant? "Manager"? Where do you FIND THE TIME??? HOW RUDE!!! If you're not working at work, you DESERVE to be caught viewing a website that features fetal-incest porn ("Now with 100% more violence!"). Being that this is such a website, I suggest you hand-in your retirement now. ON THE DOUBLE!!!"). What, did you think that you were reading a parenthetical just now? Jackass; there was never an open parenthesis to begin with...how can you live with yourself?

Examples:



1. Jesus riding a dinosaur (appropriate) followed by what appears to be Satan kicking Zeus's ASS (Shock!)!

Though I admittedly believe I should switch the captions of the Jesus photo and put those on the Zeus/Chronos photo, and vice-versa. Or I could be lazy and NOT do that. I'm going with the latter.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Shock! Blog, Where The Internets WIN!!! ver. 2


Following up Julio's recent post on shock material, I've decided to continue the Campaign of Shock with a second installment of Shock!

Are you shocked yet? Well you should be!

Our mission at Project Julio and NPH: Tired of all the lolcat, loldawg and lolrus internet phenomena, we have made a non-verbal agreement to wreck icanhascheezburger.com, via shock site tactics because we are tired of your nasal bleating, Fisher-Price web activities, Internets!





So there ya have it. More Shock! to assault your senses. You have inadvertently put your finger on the dark fear haunting the feeble internets. What sites will we single out next? Stay tuned to find out.

For those who are truly shocked we hope we've left your quivering souls in complete awe - in some sense, you easily offended sacks of bodily fluids are superficial semi-persons assembled from packaging; infinitely sad, second-rate replicants who don’t really know what they are doing here, but feel vaguely significant, compelled and creative each time they gaze at their sleek designer machines and power them up to view Project Julio.


You can find out more about Shock Blogging by visiting:

Static
Krapsody - the place to find out of the ordinary humor
the Land of Arse
USA
It's All Krap All The Time
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit Krapsody.com and request a signature like this!



Tuesday, February 3, 2009

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