Friday, December 26, 2008

By King's Decree: Amateur Comedian Bloggers UNITE!

Conclusion:

...So, I propose that all you non-cracked.com/video/picture bloggers out there who have something at the very least mildly amusing to say, I hereby extend my hideiously deformed hand (which also was horribly burned in a fire and embedded with glass in a near-fatal car accident) and ask of you your friendship...as well as partnership in an alliance the world has NEVER SEEN!!! I intend to unite comedy bloggers such as yourselves under one flag; to create a democratic nation of bloggers whose sole purpose is to produce quality comedy in the face of mindless photoshopped images of cats and dick jokes. Here are but a few members of this new project, a project I hereby refer to as "HUMOR-BLOG.COM'!!!...darnit, that's already a website I just found out about after I wrote this article. I guess "PROJECT JULIO!" will do for now...:

www.Krapsody.com: web-blog created by a magical African American who goes only by the pseudonym "Static." It is about, well, topics of a politically incorrect nature (such as Russian prostitutes and the illegal trade of Yak's milk) which oddly enough do not involve (as far as we know) magical African Americans such as Shak, Michael Jordan and Bill Clinton.

http://angryclown.blogspot.com/: web-blog created by the spawn of Satan, Damian. Unfortunatley, Satan isn't exactly a one-woman outcast angel of death. Suffice to say, being the "son of Satan" is similar to having "at least one homoerotic experience" or "having unprotected sex with an underaged asian hooker named "Charleen...san." Having his father's temper and his mother's desire to have sex with Satan, Damian makes angry tyrades about important issues such as "cellular phone kiosks that you see in the mall," and "that guy at work who you plan to rob next week after he gets off of work because he's such a total DICKFACE I HOPE HE DIES!!!!!" Like I said, he's a bit angry... 

30 MINUTES AGO...before I came up with this awesome conclusion about creating a coalition of comedy bloggers in order to combat the evil "LoLcats" and "Hey, look at thsi video of some guy getting whacked in the balls!"


My worst enemy...en Espanol.

Introductory paragraph thing where I "introduce" you to a potentially offensive, racist tyrade

The internet is a big BIG world, or, as some (e.g. Sen. Ted Stevens; no one else) would say, "a series of tubes!!!," consisting of millions of people who are only a click away. Granted, most of these people are under the age of 18, and half of the other half that is over 18 consists of closet-homosexual internet gamers who live in the basement of their parent's garage (which is also itself a basement) and pretend to be women in order to entrap heterosexual virgins (on sites such as match.com; eharmony.com; heterovirgin.com) who are so desperate for sex that they may be willing to forego their sexuality for one anonymous night with an overweight man who promises to be gentle but never calls even though he said he would and DAMN YOU ROBBY YOU BROKE MY HEART AND STOLE MY ANAL VIRGINITY!!!...but I digress.


Oh, so THAT'S how old people think the internet works. No wonder I have to constantly tell my 
grandfather why a 12 lb. pipe-wrench is NOT required to open internet explorer...

So, being that "the internets" is such a huge place, can someone explain to me why there are SO MANY comedy blogs and websites yet so FEW of these blogs make it to the top of the Digg.com list without involving a video or cartoon of some sort. Is there something about complex sentence structure and figures of speech that are too painful to process mentally and therefore requires a 4-square cartoon or 30 second you-tube video to summarize without using such frontal-lobe related formats? 

car keys animated Pictures, Images and Photos
Internet humor in the year 2050

If that isn't enough of a pain in the ass for all you Liberal Arts majors with an internets connection, here's another: there seems to be a monopoly stranglehold on written comedy on the web. The only "written comedy" website I can find on Digg is from www.cracked.com . That's it. I went through the past YEAR of Digg articles and guess who's always on top: silly pictures of cats (lolcat), videos which find it necessary to expain that Barack Obama is black (really? I thought he was Asian!) and articles from Cracked.com. 
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Oh, I get it now! ROF to the L (shoot me now)!!!

Happily controlling 3rd place as the internet's comedy medium, cracked.com proudly publishes on topics such as "boobs"; "comics, toys and cartoons (that we grew up with which necessarily means that it is funny)"; and of course, penises. Go ahead and type in any of those there words/phrases and you pretty much will find every article on there. You see, when you force your webpage into a "list" format, you pretty much have to make at least one bullet point about either of those three things or else you'll lose your audience. They say explicitly on their forums that "We do not do satire, parody, character pieces or stories," or other complex forms of written expression. Only lists. And only about things that will either kill you, destroy the world and involve sex, violence or a cool picture that doesn't require photoshopping. No, I'm serious. There are entire articles about pictures and how these pictures were not photoshopped. Simply amazing/brilliant/lolcats!!! (that's called sarcasm, btw, a simplified of irony which involves using a que to imply the opposite of what was said. Bastards)!

cradeled infant Pictures, Images and Photos
You see, they really didn't REMOVE THE BABY'S HEAD...they are just taking the photo
at an angle...HAHA/ROFLCOPTER/NIEL DIAMOND!!!

Conclusion: (wait...didn't I do this part already in a sort-of "here is the ending now let us see the process of how we got here, ooooooh I get it now?" How about a video of Ted Stevens yelling "NO!" at our democratic political system?!)








Friday, December 19, 2008

Heath Ledger dies...but not before he banged the Olsen Twins while snorting cocaine. Awesome.

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Luckily for Mr. Ledger, most children aren't smart enough to make "ledger" jokes.
Luckily for me, I have dictionary.com

Heath Ledger (who was born with a name which involves the ill-conceived combination of a chocolate toffee bar and a book used to record transactions) is dead. I hereby express my sympathy to all you hugely gay-men who got hugely gay-boners while watching him makeout with Jake Gyllenhaal in "Brokeback Mountain" while sitting next to your, at the time, EXTREMELY uncomfortable straight friend (whom you obviously have a crush on) who decided to see it with you as a joke, and began to immediately regret that decision during the intense and painfully passionate scenes of anal gay-sex during which, by the way, you were obviously sporting both a huge boner AS WELL AS a facial expression which expressed intrigue, suspense and extremely homoerotic fantasies involving your straight friend who has been in the bathroom for, like, 30 minutes, probably because of that period of 15 minutes (immediately after the first sex scene) where you stared at him while breathing heavily and rubbing his very tight-fisted and reluctant hand against your crotch...

Wow. Not only was that the longest structurally valid sentence in recorded history, but also probably the gayest (even moreso than "OMG, I want gay sex...NOW IN 3-D!!!"). But I digress.

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For some unknown reason, all of the 3-D glasses in the movie 
theater are stuck together...

What you really came here for was the news that HEATH LEDGER FUCKED THE OLSEN TWINS (yes, really, we're not making this up) WHILE SNORTING COCAINE. While all of you may be a bit ambivalent about having sex with twin sisters whom you've basically known since childhood (making them both ALMOST family,) as well as the vivid memory you hold of them as 11-year-olds, you also know that, deep within your loins, you not only want to bang them to kingdom cum (pun intended), but if you had thought of it, you would do so while snorting an 8-ball, because, hey, why the fuck not (you're already banging the Olsen twins, so what've you got to lose?!)

Sure, they may not be considered as "attractive" as most of the Hollywood elite (Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie), but god damnit, they sure are YOUNGER (Ms. Berry is the ripe age of 42, and Jolie is 33), and though the Olsens are in their early 20's by now, they sure as fuck don't look it. Admit it guys...you still have a thing for all those 16-year-old girls that you didn't date in high school because they only dated college guys (and also b/c they were waaaay to hot for you, and you were a total loser who brought his Star Wars collectable action figures to school in a special, gold-embroidered glass-case). You poor nerd.

Olsen twins Pictures, Images and Photos
The Prom date I ACTUALLY wanted...but was too nerdy for. *fap fap fap! sobs

Revenge of the nerds GIF Pictures, Images and Photos
Above: My actual prom date. *sobs farts sobs


I'll be the first to say this: 16-year-old girls are fucking hot. In the 1800's, a girl as early as 12 could get married. To her FIRST cousin (I'm looking at YOU, Edgar Allen Poe...and you too Jerry Lee Lewis!)

Here is my point: I am NOT advising anyone to marry their 12 or 13-year-old first cousin. Nor am I suggesting you should stalk 16-year old girls. It's disgusting, not to mention ILLEGAL. But I AM saying that the acceptable age of consent, and therefore beauty, has changed over the course of human existence. It is completely natural to be attracted to a 16-year-old who has a fully developed body and who is already sexually active (citation needed/awesome). At 16, their bodies are at peak child-bearing age, which means that they pretty much have perfect bodies without even having to try...though there is much less scientific evidence (i.e. NONE ) to justify pre/post-marital sex with the following:

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This was "HOT" by 1842 standards. In the year 282 B.C., a 
fertilized egg was the subject of many an erotic cave painting.

Editor's note: I am starting to sound like (and currently AM) a total pervert with no formal education in history, and will therefore rethink how to focus this article AWAY from 16-year-old girls (and history), though I am not sure if I know how...speaking of which...

Google.com: enter search: 16-year-old girls: 1,000,000 + infinity results found (20 minutes later) "Look officer, her website SAID she was 18..." <--- Not directly related to personal experience...it was for a friend who was...doing...research on the subject.

Oh Pedro, didn't Napoleon teach you better than that? Your
political career is ruined...

Want MORE hilarious pedophile traps? "To Catch a Predator" has to be the most HILARIOUS thing ever invented other than the Mad TV spoof. Plus, the decoy is friggin' hot...at least that's what I said during my closing statement at the trial. I also proposed marriage to Chris Hansen.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

If you don't like America...

I am at work today, so today's blog will be short, simple, to the point and entirely ripped-off from a South Park episode. Enjoy:

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